Drew my tattoo

 Morning~~~

I was struggling to sleep last night, just couldnt sleep cus I was aching - I had done too much ^^;

so we got up and I had pain killers and fruit loaf, we were only up til 10:45pm tho so it wasnt too bad. I slept well. I dreamed of vampires. 

we woke up at 8:50am, Jack's first words were "its ten to nine!? Oz is not going to be pleased" and he went straight out to that loaf. He loves that rabbit. Almost feel second best here! XD

I felt a bit flat this morning, I just couldnt get going with anything. Just didnt know how to start my day. I didnt have breakfast as my stomach wasnt happy. Jack found me on the bed at 10am and came to structure my day ^^ he says we would go garden centre for cacti and I have meat to cook and cake to make, do art together. I instantly felt better about the day

so we got ready to go out to garden centre. 

we got in the car and the engine management light came on. This worried me. So we called in at my parents house for my dad to look at the car. He doesnt mind. So I was with mum whilst the 3 men were round the XD dad said it was nothing to worry about. Just needs a good run as its been stood a month without use. 

so we left there for the garden centre. I picked up a cute money monkey plant up and 2 oils to put in the diffuser at night, theyre so nice I cant wait to use them!

we came home and I had a bit to eat and then I cooked meat for lunch

we had lunch

and then after lunch I laid on the bed next to Jack whilst he played on skyrim

I then repotted my new plant, its happy and I like it. Ive always wanted one of those but never seen them before

we then sat together doing art. Jack warhammer. and me, well....since my 30th (in february) I have been thinking about a tattoo. I know what I want. the design has not changed. I am scared stiff of getting the tattoo tho. Which is why I havent gone and got it done! but then I didnt want it done, then I did, then I didnt. And all in all, I was glad I had been too scared to go so it meant I didnt rush into getting a tattoo that I would regret. I came across INKBOX a sight were you get temporary tattoos, I found out about them a few months ago but only 3 days ago did I look at the sight and realised you can make your own tattoos!! you can have your own design!

so I decided to make a digital image of the tattoo I want. I was disappointed that I couldnt have colour, you could only have black :/ but still. 

so here's my tattoo

it combines the bunny Jack drew for me for my 29th birthday 

I added the pumpkins as I have true love of pumpkins. I like the design. INKBOX tattoos take 2-3 days to sink into your skin then last about 2 weeks. It cost me £18 for a 2" tattoo!!! thats almost the price of a real tattoo!!! can you believe that!? but if it means I can see it on my body, see how I feel, see what I think. Before committing to it for life, then its £18 well spent. Im actually really excited for this. So thats the art I was doing XD

I then made a cake

I had a look at my work wear. I have been wearing loose trousers/joggers for work for months. Because I was so body conscious, I couldnt bare to wear anything fitted i.e. tights/leggings. But now I have come to accept I am fat. It aint gonna get any better. I dont care. So I am ok wearing tighter stuff now. I thought I would go into work in a skirt or shorts tomorrow teamed with tights.

But I had a look at my work skirts and tights....theyre so tired and worn looking. I never pay much for my clothes. I always buy online so much cheaper from ebay people selling unwanted clothes complete with their tags! So I cleared out some crap, I could have done this ages ago if I knew the state of my wardrobe!

So this meant I was then looking at clothes online. Luckily you can get new with tags boohoo clothes for like £5 of ebay. So new school wear wont cost too much. Not everything is worn out but the stuff that is ok is my winter wear - wool skirts etc

Now just doing dinner

I will do a growwithjo later and have my weekly pamper in the bath

tomorrow is school T^T

first self harm thoughts of the school term

 Evening

I was really low in bed last night. 

Had my first self harming thoughts of the school term!

I havent told anyone tho, dont want them to worry. I wasnt gonna do anything, I just had thoughts. Thoughts about whats the point of my life, what makes me happy? when do I feel happy? whats the point of my life? that kinda lovely thinking

I fell asleep around 10pm, I had played Okami over an hour

We got up early for food shopping, which went fine.

We got home and had a brew after unpacking, I had the other half of my breakfast as I couldnt face eating breakfast before shopping as I already had stomach ache. I wanted to get off shopping and not sitting on the toilet. So I ate when I got in.

I cleaned Oz out

I cleaned the bathroom

we had lunch

I then flopped on my bed, I was wanting sleep. But my phone rang

my dad was on his way over to sell the corsa on my driveway

well that was it. Wide awake. Just staring blankly at my wall. Who can sleep when they know my dad is round the corner. So I got up

he came and was outside with the people, I started cleaning out my new car. I know its suppose to rain allllll of next week so I am not gonna wash it this weekend just to drive through puddles. But I thought i would disinfect the inside at least. Jack saw what I was doing and instantly came to give me a hand ^^

my dad left after selling the corsa

I then sat down with a brew

we got up and went for a walk for 50mins which was quite nice. We got back and had an early bath. Then Jack went to go game. I was looking at clothes online as you do.

Then I got on with dinner as I was hungry.

after dinner, I did my daily routine of watering the grass seed

then I cut out the magnets for my garage door and it is finished off nicely now ^^

it got to 6:15pm and Jack was saying I just need to sit quietly for a bit now. Done too much and I know I have been on the go all time. He says tomorrow I gotta have a rest day T^T the hardest of days. we might go garden centre tho tomorrow :3 

so I am currently sat in my lounge with ricky gervais show on dvd playing cus I needed to see it again. Oz is by my feet. I need to do some actual drawing tho

tomorrow

should be an easier day? ^^;

I am already done

 Evening

I was struggling to sleep last night, my mind was too busy. So we got up til 10:30pm and I took a sleeping tablet I did eventually drop off. At 6am tho I needed more sleep -_______-

we both had stomach issues  this morning would you believe! Jack was dying on the toilet, cus of stress - hes also got ulcers as he gets when hes stressed out. Then after breakfast I had to go die on the toilet. I had to sit with the hot bag during the car journey. We didnt leave til 7:45am tho!!! so we were a bit late this morning but stress and stomachs dont go well!

school

I didnt think my day was gonna be that bad, then a teacher wanted help with her classroom display. God I did not know it was gonna be such a job. I had sweat running down my back, my forehead was soaked, my hair was wet, my pants were wet. Yup I felt really quite grim. I asked mum if she would pop over to my house to pop the hot water on so I could shower when I got in. 

I was exhausted. so spent. Jack said I looked shattered. I was so done

I txted mum to say how things were and she said she would leave coming over today as shes been busy and had got to go fetch her car.

I got home, showered, lunch, bed

woke up almost 2 hours later......did not realise I was quite that tired....

I got up and looked at recipes and wrote out the shopping list for tomorrow, I cut my nails and fussed Oz and basically sat on my ass~

Jack came home and showered, we had dinner and I think hes now getting ready to game. I am by myself tonight. But thats fine. Might actually do some drawing? I may have a design in mind

tomorrow

food shop, clean Oz, and any other chores I gotta do

I got through my first week, well half week. Already this tired. Yup I can tell I am back

only another 37 years then I can retire!

looking forward to wearing my new molcar hair clip tho ^^

witnessed a squirrel death

 Evening

I went to bed with tummy ache. That dull tummy ache I seem to get after my evening meal -____- I didnt have long in the bath as the bath was making my stomach feel worse.

We got up for school, Oz made a break for it so we had to both try and get him from under the bed...I taxed my car before leaving the house. On the way to school we went to a fuel station so the car is all set to go now! and after all that we were only 2 mins late! we did well

school felt slow, I was doing computer work and I found it hard work. Just because I suck massively at excel....I got the rest of my stuff done ok tho. I couldnt wait to leave tho

On my way home, I witnessed death

Yup I watched a squirrel run on the otherside of the road and the on coming car hit it...like 4 metres from me. I watched the whole thing and I can replay it many times over in my head. It is ingrained into my memory, that footage. the squirrel body the landed on my side of the road, luckily there was not another on coming car so I was able to swerve to miss it as no way was I running over an animal,, dead or not. It was horrible. It was quick no suffering happened. But I honestly felt like I was going to throw up. I was about 2mins from my house. i got out the car and my stomach felt like i was on a boat.

I got home, dumped my stuff and went straight to Oz to give him a big fussing. Told him - as I do everyday - that hes my life and I love him so much

My mum turned up shortly after and I gave her a cuddle and told her what I had seen. I did manage a bit of lunch 

She left me and in all honesty, I didnt know what to do with my afternoon. I was tired, my head was banging, I had no art work on the go.

So I did a bit of googling for ideas for a halloween picture. I have maybe some idea now?

Then I flopped on my bed and had Hammington time. I made sure NOT to fall asleep as I need to sleep tonight! So I was just there for 45mins

I got up and still didnt do a lot if I am honest

Jack was late home as he wanted to go warhammer shop in the city >.> 

when he came home I had dinner ready. I had only a bit of tummy ache

I somehow managed the strength to go just dance for 25mins. Originally I was just gonna go on it for 2 songs. Just so I felt better about myself instead of feeling like a fat lazy oaf, but I actually got into it and sweated.

I had a shower instead of a bath as it was getting late. Then fussed Oz and took him home, I keep giving him dandelion leaves and other leaves out my garden to go to bed with. Theyre all gone in the morning. Bless him. Good for his teeth and digestion.

Love my loaf

tomorrow

friday, I have 1 practical at school, I have 1 easy chemical to make up for it so yeah I think tomorrow should be ok really. Me and mum said we might go somewhere after school but depends on how I am feeling kinda thing.

first day back T^T

 Evening

I struggling to sleep last night. But I did eventually sleep. It was hard to sleep with tummy ache. 

This morning, yup that anxiety was there and strong. I could not get off the toilet......

School

I felt like spirit had instantly been zapped the moment I passed reception. ugh teachers.....

I got to the prep room and was swarmed with teachers

its kinda like when you bring a bag of bread to a pond and the ducks come over. Its like that. Teachers see a technician and flock.

I felt very overwhelmed 

people

noise

it was too much and I had such a strong need to flee the school

but then 8:30 happened and they all left for the hall including Jack and Julia

I was left alone with my jobsheet and head phones. I calmed down, I caught my breath.

I got my jobs done, in the quiet. It was an alright day to be honest

then I came home and had jobs to do, mum showed up, Oz kept legging it out the room. Hes a bugger. Mum stayed and helped me with car stuff. She was no actual help but nice to have the company whilst doing it.

We just need to get up early to tax the car online.

I did get £17 back on my insurance tho! how does that work? how is my newer car less to insure than that banger!?

She left and then I did 55mins of yoga, I felt much better for it. I think I had been quite tense today to say the least. I made Jack's lunch too as I thought he would struggle for time tonight what with gaming but turns out gaming isnt on. Wish I had known! rushed round for nothing. But I am kinda glad if I am honest. 

I got my clothes ready for tomorrow, watched some youtube videos, added my new art work on instagram and redbubble

https://www.redbubble.com/i/sticker/QQTwins-by-LunatiqueDesign/122198397.EJUG5

my next art work SHOULD be halloween. However I have zero ideas right now. None. So unlike me. Usually I have a halloween idea and cant wait to bloody do it but I just cant think what to do. I have plenty of other art pieces to get on with but I should halloween first so its done on time.

I got my new boots in the post. Listed as 'new' and 'never been worn' clearly have been worn. They were only £20 but not the point. So I emailed photos over and the person said she was  selling on behalf of her daughter so didnt realise and gave me £10 refund! I was happy with that. I wasnt expecting anything but I wanted to point out she wasnt being fair to people.

We had dinner. dinner = tummy ache

so now I have tummy ache til tomorrow morning. I didnt eat all my dinner just cus I was getting pains whilst eating.

I also have another purple lump 'down there' had one a few weeks back which was like a big ass blood blister. Got another! saw a red lump yesterday and I just thought it was an ingrowing hair, didnt think much of it. But this evening when I got undressed....how have not seen that all of today!! it was dark purple the size of a pea. Freaking huge. it BLED my god did that mother bleed. No puss. Just endless blood like its attached to vein. I felt sick.

so thats sore with a plaster on. I usually dont bother with plasters, ever. However where it is, its trying to heal and there for fuses with my pants....so each time I go toilet I rip the scab off by pulling my pants down. yeah....not nice.

I am gonna have a hot chocolate and watch RWBY we have 2 episodes left!

tomorrow

school

but whats more, is its new car day! he's on the car awaiting me~

we need to get up early to tax it online, and also to get to a fuel station before work. he's on vapours here

That was summer holidays 2022

 Evening

i struggled to sleep last night. No surprise really as I was aching from painting and also had a very busy mind. So we got up and I took yet more pain killers -______- we were only up til 11pm tho :) 

I slept ok from there but woke up at 8am because Jack was chasing Oz out the bedroom XD he had made a break for it XD the git.

This morning I got my stuff ready for school, hoping it would maybe help with some anxiety. It did not. My stomach has been in knots and hurting everytime I eat. So I asked Jack if he would come on a walk with me as it was sunny but not hot it was perfect ^^ I felt better for getting out.

Mum came to join us for lunch then talked to me for a little bit before popping to the shops. She had wrote on her calendar that I was back to school today so she was happy to find out that I was still home today XD 

she left, and despite Jack telling me to have an easier day today,  I couldnt. Massively restless.

So I painted the handle on the garage as mum gave me back my paint and now the door is done and looks so much better~ 

I then washed my wheelie bin, it was suppose to be black but was no longer black as it got covered it crap when we had the pavement done. As the guys came  on bin day and my bin happened to be too close to where they were working. So I cleaned my bins. I used detol. I completely forgot that you need to wear gloves with detol otherwise you get chemical burns...I thought the stinging was from the hot water. But long after I had finished the job, my hands stung! they still sting now to be honest. My own stupid fault. I then planted grass seed in the dirt Jack had levelled as we need grass to grow before the weeds take hold.

at this point, even tho Jack had chosen to come out and do jobs besides me

he told me to STOP

he was right. He worries. I do too much. I know I do.

He could see I was struggling to sit still so he suggested I have Hammington time whilst he lay next to me on his switch. I did that for 90mins and drifted in and out of sleep. It was good to be honest. I needed that and didnt realise how tired my body was. I bleed that adrenal gland dry, I live off my adrenaline.

I then got up to make a cake so I would have something to snack on at school. I didnt rise that well but I think its cus I used coconut flour instead of self raising. I did try to make it 'healthier' and used wheat cereal and oats as the bulk of it. Does resemble a heavy brick XD I like making cakes without weighing anything

I made dinner which was alright

then I had a quick pamper and had a bath, when I got out I pampered Jack XD he let me ^^ he didnt protest. He laid his head on a pillow on my crossed legs on the lounge floor and I used acids and scrubs on his face. Hes in the bath now washing it off. I hope he feels smooth after it. I have sorted him out a face sheet to do afterwards~

trying to make us feel fresh for the new school year. I like how he joins in with me.

Oz used the opportunity to leg it out the room. I swear I leave the door open 10 seconds and hes gone. Hes going to miss us tomorrow. He has literally had us to himself for almost 5 weeks. Hes been ether in the garden or lounge. Which ever he chose. He has been a house bun really. So to be locked up for almost 5 hours probably wont sit well with him tomorrow bless him. I know I will come home to find a savaged hutch -_____- he does have paddies.....spoilt loaf 

so yeah that was my last day off work. Last day of the summer holidays 2022

I got a lot done. I mean so did Jack but some of my highlights were;

painted garage door (after waiting a year), painted the porch door, 2 massages, cleaned the house, had friends over, smear test done for 3 years, hair cut, made mia's wedding card and birthday card, completed my christmas and birthday presents for this year, cleaned the garage out, tried new recipes, went out for jack's birthday, brought a new chair, BBQ with jack's family, sorted cars out, had the pigs, sent Miho a baby shower box. God yeah I got A LOT done in those weeks! I am glad as I sure as hell did not wanna waste this time off!!

Tomorrow

stew morning so up at 6am to put stew on and then go school. School SHOULDNT be too bad as its insec day and I always skip all the whole staff meetings! and therefor I am totally alone in the school! so its shouldnt be too bad. I can not be arsed to talk to people.

How was your holiday?

yeah good. yours?

good thank you.

no one actually cares about each others holidays. It is a pointless exchange I have zero energy for. So I am gonna try and avoid people. Thats my mission tomorrow!

then mummy is coming over for lunch, then shes helping me with my car stuff. As I need to get rid of the corsa and start up with my ford fusion. I had a meltdown about it the other day but I feel better about it now and knowing that she will be with me helps even more! Then we can finally use our new car! Jack is going halves on the car with me so this will be his first car! up to now hes been using MY car, which is fine and I offered to buy the car this time but thought id offer if he wanted to have ownership this time round and he does ^^

so hopefully tomorrow wont be too bad??? Just gotta get the day done

next holidays is half way through october. september will be stressful and busy.

been busy painting doors

 Evening

I just kept running out of time to do this -____- but on the plus side I have transferred like 20+ photos on to my laptop to share on here ^^

So lately I have just been stressed out with car stuff - now have 2 cars on my drive

I have had my pavement lowered so I can get two cars on my driveway - currently waiting on a date to get some of my driveway tarmaced. 

I had been painting the garage door frame purple - next is painting the actual door

been helping Jack with the garden - mammoth job its been hes literally landscaped the garden

and yeah just busy -_____- I was so exhausted

I keep having apocalyptic dreams, I can only assume this is because school is starting soon.

I have felt dead after my massage, as I usually do, however I have not been able to rest like I usually do. I also have clean my house top to bottom

Tomorrow I am gonna paint the garage door, finally. Been wanting to do it for literally 1 whole year! I can not wait to see it not white and chipped. The door isnt great but we discovered today the frame is quite knackered as its rotten! 

Jack said his friends have asked if we want to meet them at pudding pantry tomorrow at 1pm. I am literally gonna see how I feel and how far I am with the garage door as that is more important to me than some ice cream. I have said I will go but yeah I am gonna see how I feel tomorrow.

only 2 days left of my holidays T^T

I gave myself a real good pamper tonight, I have made ice cream and thats in the freezer, I hope to do some digital art as I havent had chance last 2 nights

oh here is the side I did recently of my porch door, it was hard to get far enough back but you get the idea. Its no longer white and old- peopley