Arcades tonight

Evening or afternoon as its only 4:45pm!

I was up again til 1am
3rd day in a row
im tired!!

Felt crippled when I got up like id have a road accident or something
it took a while to get going
and i wanted to get going
i somehow, and god knows how, but found the strength to go for a run
and i did my usual route not a short cut
i took it a lil slower but felt much better for getting out

i had a shower and whilst i still had energy i got out my cutting stuff
and started cutting fabric
that took me til lunch when id have enough

after lunch i laid on my bed for a while just in the quiet
not wanting to do anything really
i got up went on my laptop looking at dances and other bits
didnt get far with anything
cant think

im tired and achy
but i want to keep going i dont want to lose what i built up
the voice in my head is quiet 
its almost too quiet
like lonely in a weird way
i want the energy it provides and the pain relief
is it coming back?
so unsure

sometimes feel frustrated that im not getting as much 
done as id like to do or earning money and then another side of me thinks
"its first week of the holidays chill out for gods sake!"
just a bit in limbo with stuff

id rang up the mental house haha and asked if i could speak to the
psychiatrist today and the receptionist said he'd give me a call today
and with only 10 mins til his shift ends it doesnt look like he will be making that
phone call to me
just want to tell him ive stopped my medication really
i have no idea where it will get me

tonight im going out with adam
were going for food at 6pm and then onto the arcades
when i originally planned this i felt good
but cus im so tired and a bit withdrawn into myself
it feels like a massive ask to go through with this evening
i want to tho i cant give in ive got to go out and enjoy myself
got to be normal and not wallow in self pity
i just wish i had more energy and not all these thoughts i cant control

tomorrow will probably be a repeat of today
exercise, fabric cutting, getting through the day somehow

Like being how i used to be

Evening~~

I didn't sleep again
I was up til 1am like last night
so im tired
I woke up at 7;45am
didnt go for a run as my knees were hurting and it was raining

Took me ages to get going this morning
like had zero energy
so i tidied up hoping it would motivate me by getting moving
i reluctantly got dressed in my exercise gear and i did some dancing
soon got sweaty!
went for a shower then decided id go out and do 3 jobs i had to do
all to do with health very boring but needed to be done
i came back and sat with mum
made myself lunch then i sat and cute fabric out
took me a while and ive hardly made a dent in the amount ive got to do
usually i can go for longer but i felt exhausted and gave it up

i had cereal and tea for energy but nothing helped
i went to bed and mum came home she saw in my bed and i said i dont feel well
i felt like how i used
in pain with fibromylgia 
shattered with chronic fatigue syndrome 
my head is quiet
but i have these other issues
im just so tired and achy

i woke up and sat on sofa
i felt exactly how i used to
and its so saddening it truly is
i cant go back to that place
its like ive done a prison sentence and i dont want to go back there
im so gutted i feel this way
and praying im back on form tomorrow as i cant do this

dreading sleeping tonight
like literally dreading it
as ive slept in the day and i ache
not a good combo at all
so thats me up til 1am probably

tomorrow im entertaining myself in the morning and afternoon
then in the evening im going out with adam
hes booked a table at a restaurant for me and then were gonna play on the arcades in a bowling ally across from the restaurant. My suggestion and he liked the sound of it
i didnt suggest food i wanted to avoid that and go out after we'd had food at home
but no he wanted to eat out so im already having anorexic thoughts about that. 
im hoping it will be a nice evening
to be honest im just hoping that i will be healthy enough to see the evening through

got a new t-shirt in the post for £7

MCM Manchester 2018

Evening~~

Once again I havent been on my laptop much but Im trying to make the effort to update my little trip so here we go~

Friday came round and I was up at 6:30am showering and the like
getting myself ready for Mia and our trip to manchester
My brother kindly took us to the station and we were on the train for 8:45am
we got to manchester fine, never stopping talking on the train
our hotel room was ready luckily so we could ditch our bags off and hit the shops!
it was another warm day but didnt put us off

Mia picked up some brand new converse, I got a pair of red converse 2nd hand for £14 i needed some as i keep wearing the ones i save for school ><
we went round Manchester's Afflex palace and picked up the odd bit here and there, I got a jumper reduced to £3 completely plain but wont be by time i've finished with it
A bag to take away with me on holiday for £5 so it doesnt matter if it gets ditched

a smartie style necklace for £3
we went round shops in their mall and I got from one shop a pink hoodie reduced to £5 its plain but I plan on doing that up as well, and I got a black dress reduced to £6
all winter stuff but its the time to buy!

During the day we had a peanut butter salted caramel ice cream

we had a pure fruit juice in a different cafe and basically survived off them instead of lunch
by time late afternoon came we both had belly ache
a combo of heat, ice cream, fruit juice and no lunch had done a number on us

we decided to go back to the hotel and at 5pm we went out in search of food
we had an Italian and we both had pasta I enjoyed mine it was red lentle and mushroom id never had that combo before, we were gonna have a brew but decided we'd go and have one in our room
and thats were we stayed all evening! i kid you not, we werent going round bars or clubs, we sat drinking tea in an air conditioned room, I even had a bath!

At this point I decided to tell mia what was 'wrong' with me
i told her id basically got split personality 
she cried a lil
i think it was the shock 
she couldnt believe id had it so many years and kept it to myself
she understood why i found it so difficult to come forward and tell her
but overall she took it really well and we talked til 10pm 
so 2 hours of talk about  my mental health
not how i thought the evening would go!
i told her i didnt want this trip to be about me and seem to be attention seeking but she said it was nonsense and she was keen to learn
she never stopped asking questions and said a lot of the stuff growing up makes sense now
we went to sleep and i slept really well in an air conditioned room
luxury
i was sure to tell adam as i know he was sweating his balls off XD

Saturday
I got to the sound of Mia''s phone alarm at 6:45am
i was up and straight in the shower
i went toilet, did my teeth, put kettle on and mia was just waking up
doesnt do mornings my poor sister XD
i made her a tea and didnt talk to her
i waited til she had a shower and let her come to me
she came out and started talking to me
i turned round to her to see her in bra and pants...yeesh that girl 
we got ready together and checked out the hotel for 8:30am
the convention opened at 9am

we lined up for a lil while as quite a lot of people were there way before us
god knows what time they must wake up to get ready and get there
we just stood in line looking at everyones costumes 

we got in the convention and we had a good mooch round
ate a cheese toastie and picked up the odd bits here and there
didnt go mad cus stuff is expensive and id be buying for the sake of buying you know

i did pick up a bunny necklace, an eevee plush that was like a pikachu x eevee style well cool, an okami badge, guinea pig badge, pens i wanted to get as mine were dying, guinea pig badge for my mum for christmas along with a mini guinea plush 

we took photos as we went round 

came across a very dodgy looking Squirtle and Mew plush
awful huh

at around 12 or 1pm we left the convention for this year

we went to go get some lunch I was in cosplay for the whole day
and i did a few comments from men...mia said "take it as a compliment" i wanted to cave faces in, honestly adam was suppose to prevent this crap. someone said "alright sexy" to me i wanted to cave his face in, ugh
for lunch i had porridge and mia had salad

then we went on over to the dessert place we planned to go to like we did last time we went manchester i had the brilliant and magnificent white chocolate cookie dough with custard. jesus my teeth ached from the sugar and my heart was pounding but it was bloody good. 

after i ate it i regretted it simply cus of the mentalness i got

we grabbed our bags from hotel and went to get our train
mia slept quite a bit on the train but i was too wired from the cookie dough
rob picked us up and dropped me off home
mum had the pigs in the hall so mia fussed over them XD

rest of the day went quick as i got home at 6pm, i showered and put my stuff away and talked to mum about stuff and i went to bed, got out of bed and went back to bed. it was gone 1am by time i did fall asleep. 

Today
I woke up at 7:15 and thought "sod it im sleeping in no running for me" 
but as i laid there blowing my nose and turning over someone said to me in my ear
"alright?" i jerked round that fast in fear and shock that i jerked my neck
it freaked me out a lot
so i got up and went for a run
it was drizzling but i did my run in record time man
got home and showered 

then i whipped out my sewing as i wanted to sew on a pocket to these joggers 
and i did that, did dancing and before i knew it it was gone 1pm adam was ready to see me and i had yet to eat lunch so i got in order and saw him for 2:15
as it didnt stop raining today we didnt do much
i talked to him and his parents about manchester
and it was announced to me that adam wants to be in france for his birthday so i kept getting things shown to me on the computer and asked "what do you think to this place?" 
we didnt do much and i went home for dinner
since then ive been dying of hay fever for some reason

gonna watch tv with my parents and oz
oz missed me bless him

so yeah that was manchester
we said we'd go again next year to the convention
and go to manchester for shopping in january 
i love my awesome sister

Back home safe from Comic Con Manchester

I'm home!!
im fine and ill update tomorrow!

Medication decision

Evening

I couldn't sleep
I was in so much pain and discomfort 
its my fibromylgia it was in total full force
seems when the voice is cut off my old illnesses surface
and i could understand, from last night, just why i was on so much pain relief
no wonder i took tramadol like smarties
of course i wasnt prepared to go at the tramadol but did try 3 different types
of pain relief 
i fell asleep a bit after 11pm
woke up 12:30am from a nightmare
which didnt seem fair as i hadnt been asleep long!!!!
i got up this morning for another run which i found easy this morning
mum did her run also

i got ready for my interview
i arrived no issues and got straight into mingling with the children
until i was asked if i had any questions
and through one thing or another i discovered that 
the job wasnt for me, the hours meant i would literally be giving up
my teaching assistant job, the job i trained in, the job that pays more
they wanted me but i couldnt give it all up for a breakfast and after school club
as they had seemed to have filled their holiday work up with current staff
so that was that
i came home
had a brew to revive me as i was a lil drained
tired and achy
i was glad i went tho as i really wasnt feeling it this morning 
really wasnt in the mood to look happy for others

i started packing stuff for my one  night stay in manchester tomorrow with mia
didnt take long as i dont need much for a one night's stay
then it was lunch time really
and i talked with mum about the job she says i did the right thing not doing it
i talked to her about my medication
im giving it up
im stopping it
as of tomorrow
its not worth all it brings and its causing me to have fibromylgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome again (what i believe anyway) and i cant go through that again
i said to her "i believe my mental health is more fixable than my pain and tiredness illnesses as i had them years and no one could provide any help, whereas theres a lot of help out there for mental health. so im gonna come off my tablets (that im convinced have made me put weight on and it said they can do that) and become mental again just so im not in pain and tired constantly"
she said it was my decision and she could see my logic in that
its been nice past few days being myself but the almost loneliness of it all has been a little strange and  i wish i didnt have any of the illnesses but im taking what i believe to be the lesser of two evils here. im trying my best
last night i wanted to invite the voice back in if it meant id be out of pain

adam turned up i made us pasta for lunch its been decades since he stayed for a meal at my house, i was ok i was still more relaxed than i was before
postman came and my new joggers id brought to run in came
far. too. thick.
for summer anyway id sweat to death.
so im still in need of joggers with zip pockets /:
i decided that id go buy some adverage thin joggers with no pockets in which are in abundance in shops and I'D sew my OWN pockets on damn it
so i took adam down to TK MAXX and i brought a pair of joggers i will shove under my sewing machine in due time dont you worry
then we went to his house

we had a brew and i was aching in his sofas as well as my own sofas 
he said we'd go on his bed
i kept pushing him away as who the hell wants anyone near them in 35c heat/humidity 
stupidly humid today to the point where its like death
i hate it
i came home and dived in the shower
keep showering twice a day

i sat and read as i now have only 20 pages left of my book!!
my new book came today actually ready for when ive done this one!

ive only been on my laptop past two days for like a total of an hour
its too damn hot for this crap

tomorrow
im up at the crack of dawn getting ready for my trip to manchester
my brother is taking me and mia to the train station
we're picking her up at 8am and train leaves at 8:47am
then we'll be in manchester! we will go shopping then saturday is the convention 
should be a good weekend
ive told mum im taking some of my medication with me incase i feel i need it but i probably wont be taking it anyway but its there if need be
its making feel like crap and fat
did i tell you how fat i was? how much weight i need to lose?
sick of people telling me im not fat
I AM
deal with it
i can feel it and see it
its going 
im getting rid of it when this medication goes down the drain
dont want antidepressants ether
i want to work through my mentalness
might tell mia about it
might tell adams parents
all people i dont want treating me differently

be back saturday 6pm~

An easier interview

Evening~~

I got up for a run this morning
mum dropped me off at a park whilst she drove the park car park and did her own route and drove home again whereas i just ran straight for home, wasnt a long run by any means
probably 20-25mins but still a run
i came back and showered 

i got ready really for my interview
i left with plenty of time to spare
i arrived at the nursery and a woman answered the door and told me i was at the wrong place....ah i instantly panicked but she told me the place i did want was like a minute away and across the road and she'd let them know i was here
so i went to find this place
could i find it?
like literally couldnt see it
the road was less than 100m long how hard can it be!?
turns out it was hidden behind a garage with a small A4 plaque 
i would never have found it
i was panicking until a woman called out to me and i walked over and she said she'd come to fetch me and it happens all the time
so i was relieved i had been found!
she said i wasnt late or anything and to breathe XD

i was taken to an empty office where the interview took place
it was standard questions but i found them easy
ever since that head teacher went through everything with me i feel more confident with how ive got to answer stuff, and the lady was really really nice to me and put me at ease
wasnt a grilling anyway
at the end she said she liked me, id done well at the interview and would like to take it further so when i was next available could I come work with them for an hour to see how i get along with children and the staff and for me to see if i like it
i told her i could do tomorrow morning
so im booked in for 10am tomorrow to work in the nursery 
never ever worked in a nursery before
2 -4 years old
GULP! i hope theyre not bratty XD
good area tho so hopefully it will go ok
im still not 100% on what the job entails but i can check it out

i came home and had a brew and cereal as i felt drained from all that!
i had lunch later on with mum then went to go pick adam from gym
we went into a town for a walk through the woods and charity shops
i picked up an awesome coat
i know - coat - in summer
but i couldnt resist it was sick
its like a fawn colour with a loose cowl hood and is very cape like
and if its something i love, its capes
always had a thing for capes
ponchos, capes
gotta love em
it was £6 in very very condition and originally from Zara
so probably £60 in shops
i was very hot from walking and needed to take my make-up off

i decided that id go back to my house
and since ive spoken out about how i feel about house guests
i feel more relaxed like the air has been cleared in a way
i didnt have this pressured cloud over me
so we stayed here for 90mins then went back to adams house
he had a brew with his dad but i couldnt sit there so sat in the other room catching up on txt messages i hadnt done yet

we went in his bedroom afterwards
he wanted to give me affection but i didnt want it
feel very hollow like theres no feeling what so ever
its only gotten worse past few days
and it eventually lead to us two talking a few things out
how im struggling with feelings and stuff and what he thinks
it was worth doing as we both dont know whats on each other's minds
it was that involved i ended up being late for dinner

i came home and had dinner
i spoke to mum about what id talked to adam about
finding the last few days hard/difficult/different
im used to this voice being there but its not there and when youve had something since you were like 10 years old, to suddenly not have it feels weird 
it feels like something is missing and a reassurance has gone
im alone now
it should feel fantastic
but it doesnt
why doesnt it?
and i dont have all my emotions ether
so it hasnt cured that issue

mum told me she read in a mental health magazine that something good for body conscious people and those who dont like their bodies is Burlesque dancing...yup
so i said if i could find somewhere id give it ago
couldnt find anywhere near me that did it, all in town or other end of town

tomorrow im going for another run in the morning
mum is dropping me off again
then im doing this hour at the nursery, then seeing adam, then packing for friday, then doing my nails in the evening. woah full on day man~

Anorexic thoughts + shorts

Konbanwa

I was so restless last night
stupidly so even tho my body was tired and achy
i fell asleep just before 11pm
kept waking up in the night 
i woke up at 7am but stayed dozing til 7:45am
just couldnt face getting up to life
so i was too late for a run

I wore shorts round the house
seeing if i was brave enough and comfortable enough to leave the house in them
turns out i was! i went out the house in just shorts no tights!! achievement 

i sorted a few bits out in the morning and did 25mins dancing
it was hard dancing as it was already warm this was at 10am
but i still sweated
i had a shower
did a couple of doodles
wrote a list of crap to take with me to manchester
sorted out my Rika Jougasaki cosplay too - not tried it all on tho i was too hot
sorted out fabric into cutting piles
got ready to see adam
my new t-shirt arrived in the post, stunk of fags real bad, i banged it in the washer for a drowning and then hung it up outside 
ive since tried it on and had to order a privacy bra as its a bit big (understatement) so it reveals a fair bit shall we say, but i like it and want to wear it, and i said it was a t-shirt but its more like a dress and will look awesome with tights. I could even take it on holiday with me

I went to go and pick adam up from the gym then we went to his house
we had a brew and sat with his dad but id had enough of sitting i was aching
im sure theres something in this
a quiet head = aches and tiredness
a busy head = more energy and no tiredness or aches
its weird

adam played Crash but I didnt want to
i laid on his bed trying to fall to sleep but he soon came and put a stop to that
much to my annoyance but he was right
i always said to him "dont let me sleep during the day"
he was only following orders but my god it peed me off
and then we were just annoying one another
i felt off in way
adam's dad suggested we go get ice cream
i instantly shut down
like enter panic mode
food i shouldnt be eating

we set off and i was quiet as my head was noisy
just full of anorexic thoughts
and when my head is busy the outside world doesnt matter it fades away
and adam was struggling to get a word out of me
we had
I shouldnt be eating ice cream
think of the calories
i will be fatter than i already am
do i have to eat it?
how can i get out of eating it?
shall i eat something less tonight?
so stressful -____-

we ordered ice cream and i didnt really enjoy what i was eating
and we walked back home and i know it was a good thing that i did it
but i turned to adam and said "you wont think twice about the ice cream you just ate, but i will be thinking about that until i fall asleep tonight, do you have any idea how exhausting that is?
he told me he loves me, my body is fine, he loves my body
but its not good enough
as much as i appreciate what he says to me and that no one is calling me ugly or fat its just not enough somehow, perhaps its got to come from ME. ive got to like myself
which i dont

we came back to his house and laid on his bed for half hour then i went home
about it really
adam appreciated me wearing shorts and paid attention to my legs
which i hated -____-

i came home~
got ready for my interview tomorrow which is at 10:30am
just want to get it over and done with really as once again i show willing for job i 99% wont get but hey i try and i attend. to the point where im not even arsed
its only summer work anyway
then i'll see adam in the afternoon i believe

its me and my thoughts tonight anyway
but im thinking of going for a run now
even tho i danced this morning and went on a short walk earlier
feel like wearing myself out
and tomorrow morning mum is going for a run/walk im hitching a ride and going a different route by myself, before my interview~ 

Probably my last of work til September

Evening~~

The agency phoned last night asking if I could work at a school
ive been to before, just different year group
so that was my day
I got up early to get to school for 8:30am
I felt anxious, stupid really as id been there before and im capable of my job
but its just cus im not in the right frame of mind
my mind was quiet this morning and then things woke up again

school, well i didnt stop! i was in year 2
and all I have done ALL day is
laminating 
cutting
sticking
wall displays
tidied up
I dont feel i was involved in the class much but the teacher had a wad of paper work to do and thats what i was tasked with, i have no issue with it as it kinda makes me tune off from everything
i had play ground duty this morning, glad it was morning and not the afternoon
today it hit 32c and a lot of humidity came along with it
the kids today just literally coloured and watched Horrid Henry
its end of term and far too hot to do anything
the teacher made them sit cus it was so hot
not 1 fan in the buliding and dont even think about air conditioning 
nightmare
staff and students all red faced
stupid really
teacher was impressed with my hard work

i came home and it became cloudy but still very hot
i went for a run
course i did
suicidal as i seem to be
i went in the woods and ran
love running in the woods really enjoy it
i came back and stripped my top off whilst i had a drink in the kitchen
my mum and brother were home but eh i wasnt arsed i was hot!
mum saw me but she doesnt say anything
i had a much needed shower

then ive tried to settle down but finding it difficult
my body is tired but im restless
my mind is busy with food thoughts and weight thoughts
apparently ive eaten too much and weigh far too much
but anyway

so i was looking at jogging bottoms with zip pockets in
as i failed to buy any from the shops so i thought id check online
think ive found some but ill see
then i wanted another book similar to "i know this much is true" by Wally Lamb
and I found one that sounded alright "Icy Sparks" by Gwyn Hyman Rubio
it was £12 on Amazon, £5 kindle and £2 off ebay
so i brought a book off ebay
seems weird that kindle digital text is more expensive than an actual book

tomorrow if i get up early enough i might for another run
if not i might dance
then might cut some fabric up for my quilt
then probably see adam

Day without the voice

Evening~~

I had to go to sleep listening to someone who lives at the back
of out house, blasting out 90's music T____T
The utter tat that was banging out their house
no taste
so that sent me to sleep last night
yeesh 

I woke up through the night then woke up at 7am and started my day
felt like crap like literally felt how I did 6 months ago when I still
had chronic fatigue and fibromylgia
i ached and i was shattered
felt worried that my illnesses were returning!
but the voice i constantly live with lately was like tiny
i couldnt even hear her/it like she/it was far far away and the voice wouldnt travel 
strange but thats how its been all day
maybe my medication is working?
im hoping the reason i feel crap is because i did a lot yesterday and not
because the voice is small
guess we'll see tomorrow if its fluke or if the meds are working

i waited for adam to txt me to announce he was still in the land of the living
we didnt know what to do and were lucky with the cooler morning
he said eventually he was ready to see me
but i wasnt ready, i hadnt bothered getting ready as i had no clue when we were
actually meeting up, besides i was researching fabric X3 more important
so i went to get ready which took me 15mins
came back into my room to find a message on my phone
"gone shops with mum"
great
so i got ready for nothing 
i laid on my bed telling myself not to go to sleep
my parents came home so i went to see mum
dad never says hello

spoke to mum about this and that and told her how
quiet everything was in my head today
adam said he was ready to see me so i did go up
but id not eaten lunch
there was nothing in and ive been living of cereal past 2 lunches
but knew id get told off from dad if he saw me eating them
told mum id get something later

went to adams and i just felt so tired
i couldnt be arsed with the day
the day which had soon warmed up to 25c 
we played crash and finished the last boss but i wasnt in the mood to play it
he dragged me out for a walk 
i did not want to go and was getting annoyed with the heat
it made me talk about everything that had been happening at home lately
and what i talked about with bob the psychologist 

we came back and i just died on his bed
literally the rest of the afternoon was spent on his bed
he sometimes cuddled me or went on his phone
i liked the company and its nice i dont feel like i HAVE to be doing something
earlier when i went for a walk i moaned "why do i have to go for a walk?"
he said "you cant sit inside all day you need exercise"
i said "exercise!? i do at least half hour each and every day, do i not get 1 day off!?"
anyone would think ive got weight to lose or something

i came home and took my make up off and went in the shower
needed the smell of him off me
nothing wrong with his smell i just needed to be clean from sweat and smells
the whole day tho i was able to spend it without the voice telling me to hurt adam
i could cuddle and kiss him without any anger
i told him this and he said it was good but hopes it not fluke
yes i tell my boyfriend i have thoughts about hurting him XD
nice and normal 

i confessed my sins to mum that i hadnt eaten lunch
i told her it meant coming home after my parents went food shopping and getting something
and dad is home and it means having adam over and eating in front of him
everything which makes me uncomfortable 
so i told her id eat double tonight
and my god i ate more than the rest of em! i made up for it i certainly did

looking at fabrics i need for the quilt
looking like ive got to spend around £13 but thats not too bad
im just conscious of spending money whilst not earning 
i will show mum the fabrics and see what she thinks then order whatever 

been nice not having that voice
everything feels quieter but i still have my worries and anxieties they havent left
see what im like tomorrow

tomorrow not sure as of yet what im doing actually