Crying so much over that damn house

 Evening

I havent been doing my diary, simply cus I have not had time to breathe!

my weekend once again was full on....I was so hoping to take a breather this weekend but no

Friday I stayed home

in the morning me and mum went to the shops to pick up numerous things for the house - surprise surprise - we came back and Jack came over for lunch 

then Jack, my brother, my dad went to go fetch a wardrobe from Luke and the rest of jack's stuff

they were gone for a while and then they went to the bungalow and unload. I didnt want to join in as I knew I wouldnt be able to help much or lift anything so i stayed home

we had food

and I stayed over at the bungalow, in the morning we finished off the stupid 2pt milk jack picked up - why he still picking up 2 pint milk like he is still at the flat i have no idea as theres both of us now. So it ran out and we started doing jobs round the house and then mum txted to say her and dad would be over between 10 and 10:30am

so we continued on and my parents came over, the guys were putting up curtain poles and dad wanted a coffee, i went to go and do them all drink, opened the fridge and yeahhh we have no milk

so my dad berated me in front of jack "how you suppose to run a family home when you cant even keep milk in? its pathetic. You need to sort yourself out"

well we hadnt been out yet that morning and also we havent actually done our first food shop yet ether. So its understandable right? mum went home and grabbed a milk and kindly gave it to me so we could have a brew. But i knew my dad was disappointed in me, heck he always is!

they finished up and chris gave me a txt to say he was heading over soon, so i went home and made jack some lunch all the time feeling like i was gonna collapse from sheer exhaustion, walked back over to the bungalow with lunch in hand. gave it jack and the door went, it was chris. so i politely sat and talked with them both, all the time just thinking about my bed and sleep and rest

in the end i left them too it. they were gonna look over at radiators and that.

i came home and slept

my parents had been to the shops, my mum said "ill get them a milk" my dad said "no they can get their own milk"

was this a punishment? spite? principle? it cant be money cus he knows id pay him back for the whole pound it would cost him. So of course it upset me as hes just such a horrible person. i feel hes only helping with the bungalow for something to do, literally

I got up and i walked to the shop, carrying 4 pints of milk and some bread to the bungalow, dropped it off, picked up 'dads milk' and brought it home

so after that

i cried, i sobbed, i cried.

i had had it.

done.

broken.

i couldnt see the point in continuing on anymore

i am getting no enjoyment out the house, its been one big slog and expense, i regret buying it at times. I cant see how i am ever going to be well enough to run a house and look after myself. i havent done anything creative or for myself for 3 weeks now. my dad hates me and always will. and yeah i cried in front of my brother, mum and jack

they all tried to help me feel better but i had to just let it out i think

i was exhausted plain and simple

mum told me to just go relax at the bungalow, she was so mad with dad as it was for his behaviour that i didnt want to be sat round in the atmosphere anyway

we got to the bungalow and jack made me a hot chocolate, i thanked him and then apologised for my outburst of crying. he told me not to apologise and calmly started talking about bungalow stuff to which i lost a few tears to. then i climbed into bed for 9pm.

this morning we got up and i was ok, just a bit tired.

i painted a few patches on the wall before school that i wanted to do at the weekend but ran out of time to do

got to school and julia asked how our weekend was and whilst i got on the subject and told her all that happened i was losing a few tears. im so fragile its untrue. its simply cus im so exhausted. i cant handle anything

during school, i had no practicals but still had lessons to prepare so i did that but i didnt hand anything out. jack did all the running around and i stayed in the prep room and office.

at the end of the day i didnt want to talk to anyone, look happy for others so the last hour i spent with the light off in the office and shut the door, making it look like no one was there, so i wouldnt be disturbed.

at home i fussed my Ozwald and sat with the girls too which was nice and mum had made cookies too. then me and jack ordered a new TV on cyber monday deals. 

he went home and he asked if i wanted to join him but i decided i needed to do something creative so i am gonna do my nails and fuss Oz and drink hot chocolate and screw everything else.

we have said that this week i need a calmer week and a weekend to recharge. i have scalp sensitivity/pain with a constant headache for over a week now. along with my ectopic heartbeat. both these caused by stress. i cant even tie my hair up anymore with out it feeling like someone is pulling my hair out my scalp. its painful. no cure ether. no skin problem ether like no redness. its simply stress.

so thats it now

bollocks to everyone this week, im at my limit now. i am becoming sick

Got another hard weekend ahead

 Evening

Didnt sleep too bad, I did wake up a couple of times, one time convinced i could hear music like mum had left her radio or something, i even checked to see if it was my ipod playing music as I couldnt make out the words being sung, but when I listened closely i realised there was no music...so what was I hearing?

annoying >.>

I decided to start my stronger pain killers today as the increase was from 75mg pregabalin to 100mg

i didnt see it as much of an increase so didnt see any harm or think anything of taking them before work. How wrong I was! It totally wiped the floor with me. I was on the floor a lot of today. In fact I think i have been to sleep twice today. Once was on my lunch break. I have been so useless at work today and I am greatful I didnt have any practicals could I think jack would have had to have covered for me or if i did do them id get them wrong. just zombiefied massively.

couldnt wait for hometime 

we got back and i had a brew with Oz and jack and mum

then we walked to the bungalow and I let jack get changed out of his work wear and we did a couple of small things round the house, he changed the lamp shades in the hall as the lighting was far too harsh and i had got the colours so very wrong! it looked like a brothel! but now i have them just right and I am happy with the colours. I also put up a few bunny stickers and hamster stickers to make it look cute. I also realised that another pair of curtains I have brought are too small much to my despair as its so boring looking at curtains and spending money on them.

i also wrote a big list of stuff i need to get tomorrow from wilkos

we did a small walk round the area as i was shattered but needed to do something

came in and had dinner then jack went home, i showered and looked for new curtains online

gonna go crash now with Oz its only 8:10pm but i am shattered and done. 

tomorrow 

i would LOVE to dance in the morning. I havent danced for over a week or possibly two now, simply cus i am exhausted. I am still exhausted but i am missing it badly now.

then I have Oz to clean out

then I am going wilkos with mum

then we are going to pack my dad's van with the book cases, drop them off at the bungalow pick up the table and chairs jack's mum lent us but we never used and take the back to her, pick up a wardrobe from Luke's house, pick up Jack's furniture and drop it off at the bungalow

then we are done for the day. done

we are saying we want sunday to just breathe and be as we are exhausted and have no more to give. its all becoming a slog. However, we might be having Chris over to bleed our radiators as one is not working and you can see your breath in that room and we cant put stuff in it or decorate it until it is sorted. so yeah we shall see

another hectic weekend!

All this week my scalp has hurt, feels like i have been tying my hair too tightly or something but i havent been and i even use softer hair bobbles so i dont have this issue. My head near my scalp has been then hurting too, a headache but near the top of my head. Found it strange. I mean scalp pain is an odd pain to have if you havent changed hair products or done anything differently. Mum decided to google it, i never bother googling my problems in life, but mum says its stress as its not a skin condition as the skin looks normal. Its caused by stress and anxiety and if my heart rhythm is anything to go by, i can well believe it. God I am getting worse not better! I need people to leave me alone and let me chill out!!!

my first night was a success

 Evening

So last night I had dinner with jack then I went over to our bungalow

we got various jobs done;

he washed up and I dried the pots and put them away so we can see the kitchen surface again

I also cleared the kitchen up and I did A LOT of recycling as basically we had been dumping all the packaging to everything into a space/room and not taking it out to the bin, so I did all that. I put a few things away which i brought over and I showed Jack where I wanted some nails knocking in and he put them in. I certainly did more than him last night. But it was good to get a bit of order in the place as it was just a tip. 

I didnt get as much hung up as I had in mind tho as Jack told me some things need hooks to hang on the wall instead of just a nail >.> i had a strop XD

I had a hot chocolate and some white chocolate buttons with him and read in bed then I went to sleep at 10:30pm, I wasnt anxious or anything actually. I felt fine

I slept pretty well, apart from waking up as Jack was trying to reclaim some duvet XD as I know I am prone to stealing it in my sleep >< 

My alarm woke me this morning and the house was cold but i had chose to get up early and the heating hadnt had time to come on. That and the fact it was minus out there, i only just got my car door open due to frost. I was fine showering in the bungalow as its a cubical shower and I dont always like being in cubical ones but I was actually ok. And the morning was fine too.

School was ok

the practical i did yesterday did not work apparently, so i had a play with it and got it to work, i needed more enzyme than what the instructions said to give so i was glad I got it to work ^^ i always try to get them to work. biology is a tricky beast.

I struggled after lunch to be honest. just it was all a slog. glass equipment i could have easily washed i whacked into the dishwasher and grabbed my sketchbook and paint and sat and painted whilst hannah and luke worked.

then we went home and Jack came back with me and we had a brew with Oz and mum

We had a christmas card from my cousin, she had lovingly hand painted us a cute card and congratulated on our house!

then we ordered a freezer which isnt coming til 18th december....

we had dinner and then we walked to the local shop for bread to go with our soup tomorrow then we walked to the bungalow. When we arrived we had a parcel addressed to both of us and we opened it and it was two cookies. One in the shape of a house, one the shape of a door and decorated respectively. They were moving in gift from Karen ^^ it was really sweet. but theyre too good to eat! We decided to take them to work to have with our brew on our break

I walked home and did my diary and now I am gonna get Oz then die in my bed

tomorrow is friday and just school

trying out my new house tonight!

 Konbanwa

I slept once again, which is a blessing. I needed my alarm as well

I went over to the bungalow for Jack, and was knocking at the door but he wasnt answering, i had txt to say i was on my way and i was thinking "jeez how long does it take to put some shoes on" and rang the door bell. in the end i walked back to my car for the bungalow keys and opened the door to find jack running out the bedroom looking panicked

i was like "whats wrong!?"

he said "the door bell woke me"

seriously -______________- this guy is 27!

so i let him brush his teeth and i grabbed some crisps and chocolate bar and told him to do his shoes up in the car. I put the snacks on his lap and told him to eat something and drove us to work and was only 2mins late. I made him a coffee as soon as we got there. He really hadnt adjusted to the day....

Luke had brought in a shed load of baby cactus for me ^^ i was well happy i just need to put them somewhere now! 

My day went ok and I got through it ok too, and dropped jack off at the bungalow so he could apply the second coat the study whilst i sat with Oz with a brew and mum of course. Then I did 45mins of yoga. Oz sat the entire time on the sofa. So he had been sat there 90mins!!! One lazy bunbun X3

Since then I have been looking for bits to take over the bungalow, mainly bits I can put on the walls actually to make it feel more homey as tonight I will be having my first night at the bungalow! I do feel slightly better about it than what I did at the start of the week. I just hope I sleep and not wake up constantly listening to all the different sounds that house makes compared to this one.

just want to sleep and not be stressed with it all. I am sure  I will be ok

I will have a quick sit with Oz and head on over

Then tomorrow is school really

actually bloody slept

 Evening

I slept! thank bloody god. The alarm was actually needed

I felt better for actual SLEEP

School was fine

i felt so much better and able to cope for sleep, instead of just dragging a corpse and trying to get through the day. The sheer difference sleep makes. I forget. I go so many weeks without sleeping through the night that I forget what it feels like to function on a proper night's sleep

We had lunch and I had my pain killers as usual and for some reason I felt terrible

i could barely keep my eyes open i was drowsy, almost like someone has laced my soup with drugs or something, i was dizzy and in and out of sleep/consciousness on the floor

after an hour i decided no more and stumbled to my working area in the prep room but soon had my head on my arm on the desk and i heard julia say my name to jack about something then Jack called me over. Telling me to come back to the floor til i was better. He said I looked terrible and gave me fruit juice and a biscuit in the aid of bringing some life back into me. it took a little longer and i was back on my feet, i found the fruit juice hard to drink  and didnt want the biscuit but i knew i had no choice in the matter XD

I got the rest of my lessons prepped and then sat painting for the last hour of the day, did some more of the star wars display. then we went home

i dropped jack straight off at the bungalow as he was gonna go paint. I went home for my brew with Oz and mum

then we sat with the girls, then went for a walk

I came back and helped with dinner, I went on my laptop and ordered jack a lamp shade for his study he is currently painting.

 ate dinner alone and then rang Jack asking him if i should bring him his dinner as it was 7:30pm and he said it would be great if i had the energy

so i popped over with his dinner 

and when he finished i helped put away stuff. i cleared away a bin bag and 2 carrier bags and a few boxes of stuff ^^ so that helped jack as i am better at clearing up and organising than he is

we changed the curtains in the bedroom as the first lot were too small - my mistake

so theyre up now and they look good, i wanted orange curtains but instead i got Ochre 

then at 8:30pm I said my goodbyes as i needed to get home, i am tired!

gonna get my lad and have a sit with him

tomorrow is school, i have just 1 practical too

but also i SHOULD be having my first night at the bungalow ><

makes me feel sick when i think about it! if i think too hard about it, it makes my heart go out of rhythm 

got my bed back

 To say I got my bed back did not mean I slept

I woke up loads from having odd dreams

so I was quite tired today

I had a lonely morning like the good old days but i got on with it just fine.

Oz was snoring next to me so its all good XD

School was easy really as i had a quiet day

i made a class set of this muscle diagram thing made from card. Took me like almost all day would you believe. but last year we needed them and we only had one to show, this year we couldnt even find that one! so a teacher made one to demonstrate with and I asked to borrow it so i could make a class set, only mine was far better looking XD

came home and had a brew with mum oz and jack

then me and jack walked to the shops for some bits for him like fabric cleaner and then walked to the bungalow and dropped the stuff off and measured up a few things. Also a parcel was waiting for me, it was from Tara, a total surprise! She had sent my christmas present too but i put that away. She had sent me a hand made candle she did, a fox candle holder and some treats for Oz, it was so sweet of her, and she sent us a card addressed to the 3 of us X3

we came back here for dinner then jack left to go home to go sort the bungalow out a bit

i decided to look for stuff online and brought him a new curtain pole and curtains for his study which is the next room we are doing up. he needs lighting next but i have ran out of time and i am shattered and it is 9:15pm

i should be in bed!

doctors phone call appointment went ok, hes upped my pain killers much to his disaproval but hey im dying here.

tomorrow is school

jack's at the bungalow = me getting my bed back :D

 Evening

Last night I did try to sleep, Jack had offered to sleep on the sofa but I said it was fine as it was the last night we would have to share a single bed. As i started to drift off to sleep he blurted something out in his sleep, as he fell asleep before me, it made me jump and i wasnt comfy so i got up and had yet another night on that sofa. To be woken up at 7:50am by my dad's mobile blasting out a video as he doesnt adjust his volume so everything, EVERYTHING, is on full blast. It annoys all of us. i could hear my brother banging in his room as his room is above the kitchen - where dad was watching this video. So it woke him up as well. I went to go wake jack up and spent a bit of time laying on the bed with him.

This morning I wanted to go for a walk but no such luck as my parents had other plans

my dad was dragging my brother and jack to make the bed up and do other bits and pieces round the bungalow and i was to go shopping with mum to go get some bits from B&Q and food shopping just so jack as well could have breakfast round the bungalow T^T

we got back and i went to bed feeling exhausted

just as i began to go to sleep, jack rung me T^T does no one want me to rest, seriously!?

he wanted the stuff we had been out for. I almost cried cus i couldnt take much more. mum could see my distress and stopped making mine and jack's soup for the week and took the stuff over so i could go to bed. i woke up at 2pm to find jack home, waiting to have lunch with me. mum offered to make him lunch but he wanted to wait for me. so i had to make both out lunches which was hot cross buns 

then as the sun was still up i said i wanted to go for a walk

and as we were half way round jack's mum txted to say she was 20mins away with his stuff. we were not 20mins away from the bungalow. so jack started to pick up more of a pace. a pace i was struggling to keep up with as i was tired and achy. i told him that his mum can wait 5mins

we got home and loaded the car with stuff to take round to the bungalow, i dropped it all off with jack, his mum no where to be seen as she'd stopped off for a mcdonalds so we hadnt needed to rush afterall. I went straight home before his mum could show up as i didnt want to stand there getting colder by talking.

got home and had a cup of tea with Oz then went for a shower

took my socks off to see my toes were purple and blue they looked like a corpse's toes

really gross

i was ages in the bathroom as it was the most peace i had had in days. no one to disturb me, no one to want anything. god i should have spent my weekend in there if i knew id left alone!

i felt so much better for a shower and had chilled out a bit 

jack was over at the bungalow til 6:30pm as his mum had gone back home and brought him more stuff and its an hour round trip. so he now has all his stuff just not his furniture. mum says "Bet it will look like a bachelor pad round there until you get your stuff in Jo"

he came round and i sat with him whilst he had dinner as i ate mine with my brother

then we laid on the bed. i cried. letting out everything i had held together this weekend. sheer exhaustion. i have no idea how i will get through school like this. i havent rested at all. cus people always want something. but jack is in now. he is still gonna have meals here until we have a freezer and all the means to prepare food. apart from that hes done. he will wait for me.  i cried earlier thinking about moving out and the big change it will be. but he told me not to rush. and my first sleep over at the bungalow is scheduled for this wednesday. as i used to sleep over at jack's flat on wednesday.

hes gonna work out the shower tonight and make the bedding up and hopefully get his ass sorted for tomorrow morning when i got pick him up for school

so tonight i get my single bed back to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can not frigging wait

i have kicked all his stuff out my room, put my bed against the wall instead of in the middle of the room and i have so much more room its great ^^

i hope he is ok tonight tho. he has no interent til 5th december tho XD

so school tomorrow, should be a quiet day as i dont have a single practical. 

just shattered

doing my nails tonight, something for ME as ive done nothing for myself for days and days now 

i once again forgot to take photos -____- everything is so full on and  go go go that i dont have chance to sit there and appreciate the house never mind photograph it

next weekend hopefully i can

is it all most done yet?

 Evening

So last night me and jack went over to the bungalow for almost 2 hours and returned just before 9pm, we had applied the first coat to the bedroom. I was so shattered

showered and sat with Oz

I tried to sleep but jack soon went to sleep and was heavy breathing, my dad was snoring in the other room and my brother was on his ipad but sounded as if they were all next to me.

I tried to get comfy and felt my back twisting so decided to get up as my back is only just getting better really so i didnt want to twist it again.

i slept downstairs but couldnt get comfy to be honest and so my sleep quality wasnt great but at least I didnt get a twisted back

I got up at 7:45am and got my breakfast all sorted to eat outside when Jack came downstairs he hugged me and apologised as he felt awful knowing i had slept downstairs and offered to sleep downstairs tonight. I said it was fine and just didnt want a twisted back. I still ate outside in the garden it was chilly but i felt i needed the air. Oz was well happy about me being outside, he came running and kept showing off in front of me X3

I cleaned him out and he came to investigate what I was doing.

By 9:20am we were round the bungalow painting, applying the second coat. Which about did me in and then dad came round and did some jobs and we had finished he went B&Q with jack for some new locks for the house, I had come home and crawled to bed. Whilst I had been in bed Jack and dad had been fitting other things round the house such as new lights and things i had ordered online. I thought they were coming home for lunch! so mum took them lunch round, i ate lunch at home then came over to do all the white wood work in the bedroom which truly killed me off. I had had enough T^T

so much has been done to that house its unreal.

whilst i was painting in the bedroom, jack was outside the door in the hall putting up the new lamp shades which were paper lanterns. I chose one bright pink one bright red. Thinking they would add a tinge of colour to the plain light grey walls. nooooo. it made the place look like a brothel i mean we found it funny. but i has got to change it looks awful. the colour and lighting was much much stronger than i thought it would be but we liked the concept. So since then I have ordered a pale purple and pale pink. when they arrive we will put them up. I chose them cus i they would hide the hideous old wire holding the lightbulb up and add a touch of colour. they hide the wire perfectly but yeah need a lighter colour!

but dad goes at 100mph just one thing after a sodding nother. had enough. i keep leaving him with jack as i cant cope hes making my heart beat erratically. Jack copes with him better than me but then dad aso treats jack better than he does me so yeah :/ 

i came home and showered at 4:30pm 

done in

so much for "take it easy this weekend Jo" as numerous people have said to me

how can i take it easy when people want things from me all the time!? whether thats doing stuff, fetching stuff, making decisions, talking about whats next all the damn time! Leave me alone!!!

ive been slopping off to be by myself when ever i can i just need quiet time. i dont even want Jack. i just want peace and quiet. and he keeps finding me, keeps giving me affection. i just want alone time.

tomorrow i hope i dont have to do a damn thing for that house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sick of it

think theyre aiming to get jack able to sleep there tomorrow. so i can have my bed back to myself

i have plenty of stuff to order online anyway. so that will eat a lot of my time no doubt

just had enough.

not enjoyed any aspect of moving out so far  

i hope i sleep tonight

i can see myself being on the sofa, despite jack offering to take the sofa i feel bad him doing that.

i must take photos of the house tomorrow!

had the bungalow a week

 Evening

Yesterday I just ran out of everything to give

it was nice to have my bed to myself on wednesday night, I was in bed for 9pm whilst Jack was over wallpapering the bedroom with his mum and step mum, he didnt finish til 10:30pm I didnt even hear him come home I told him to take the sofa so I didnt see him til thursday morning.

School was sooo hard. I had 3 hard practicals and yeah it was just full on really. But I was praised for my hard work. The highlight was head of science bringing in a tray of ringed sprinkled doughnuts *0*

I came home, went to bed, woke up for dinner and said bye to jack who went to paint the ceiling in the bedroom, went to bed, woke up to sit with Oz and stayed up for Jack and we went to bed at 9:30pm I hardly spoke to him. I was so tired, so full of pain killers - mum said my speech was slurred! 

so totally written off day for me, didnt do any exercise, go on my laptop or even use my phone

Didnt want to go school this morning, I was just done with life

I was in a mood all morning just felt tired, in pain and couldnt be bothered with it all

took me 5 hours to start to feel more like myself

i had 2 hard practicals back to back for head of biology and afterwards she actually praised me for my organisation and pracitcals! as I got them right and got them to work ^^

so i felt good that in 1 week I had

head of science praise me

head of biology praise me

a biology teacher tell jack i was doing really well

makes me feel like i can do my job right even if i dont understand the science behind what i am doing

i got home, dosed myself up and sat with Oz and the girls with a brew

and opened up the multiple parcels i received - all house stuff of course

then i have sat for a bit but im about to have dinner then go over to the bungalow to give the bedroom its first coat of paint. i havent seen the living room, kitchen or hall since its been painted so it will be good to see the progress

i cant get over how much has been done to that bungalow in the space of a week as we have had that bungalow exactly 1 week. a lot of hours and efforts has gone into that bungalow.

just tired of it. 

tomorrow probably be painting and putting up stuff in the house

house stuff anyway

but i will have to heal over the weekend otherwise i will be dead for the next week -_____-

we're aiming to get jack in the bungalow on sunday

so i will soon get my bed to myself!

painting begins and stupid fire alarms

 Evening

Didn't sleep great, sharing a single bed sucks. Just waking up all the time cus there is no space. This morning when I woke up at 5:15am my back felt so painful i couldnt wait to get up, I got up at 5:45am my back killed, it was like twisted. It hurt yesterday but today is worse, like another night not sleeping in the right position has just killed it. Hurts from my right shoulder blade, down my right ribs, lower spine. So I tried to help it with hot bags this morning -___-

when I ate breakfast with jack I told him about my back and told him one of us is sleeping on the sofa tonight. He volunteered. But I told him I felt bad making him sleep on the sofa but he insisted. Turns out he is wallpapering tonight, determined to get the job done with his mum so I said that works out well as he doesnt need to worry about getting back late and disturbing me if he stays downstairs tonight, so i am gonna put all his bedding and pyjamas in the living room for him for when he gets in.

So school

I had a practical first thing - a big one

and I decided out of the kindness of my heart that I would totally set the practical up, everything was trayed up into group work. So 10 trays full of all the equipment they would need + on the sides extra equipment such as water baths. It was for Luke and he was very happy with the way I had done it for him and his class ^^ head of science passed the room and I called him to look and I said "look at this! its like a work of art, im well happy with it" he praised me ^^ during me setting all this up, jack found me, he was on the phone to mum as I had left my mobile at home today - woops - he passed the phone to me. It was mum saying that dad's friend who is painting thinks the colours i have chosen look a bit too strong for the room, do I want to proceed? well it was a bit hard not to proceed as I cant go fetch any other colour and to be honest anything would look better than the grubby walls that it was, heck bright pink and lime green would be an improvement! so i told her to to him to just go for it.

2nd period i would have the same practical in the same room - excellent

well it would be excellent if it wasnt for the fact the fire alarm went off....

some nob-head was vaping in the toilets!!

we were stood outside, in the cold, then in sleeted, fire men came, half hour later we were allowed back into the building >.> i was hurting. I had been stood half hour in the cold which is probably the worst thing i can do to myself.

so it took me an hour of recovery, jack found me and made me a hot chocolate and warmed my hot bag up for me, what id do without him ^^ i took double pain killers, something i have never done at school before but i was desperate to feel better. My practical had gone tits up and will need to be repeated on friday T^T

after I felt better I got up and went to remove my practical from the room, upon coming down with the trolly of stuff in the lift i felt suddenly very dizzy and faint. to my luck, a chair was outside the lift, i saw it and sat on it. A TA found me and asked if i was ok, got me some water and a mini chocolate. Then Jack found me - course he did - and took me back to the prep room. honestly, bet he doesnt want to take his eyes off me. 

So I felt crap really but stuck it out and got home

upon going home i found dad was home >.>

him and mum had been round the bungalow and were able to watch the transformation as dad's friend painted. so dad couldnt wait to tell me what he had been doing. all i wanted was a quiet after school brew but i had dad talking about the house. and sometimes i just dont want to talk about the house. im very grateful for all they are doing but sometimes i need a break

I went for a walk with mum and jack had a shower whilst i was gone, we had dinner then my brother kindly drove jack over to the bungalow to paper, i came on my laptop to look at stuff for the house. i know what curtain rods i want i just need to order them and then i have ordered the light fittings for the side walls but no the ceiling in the living room. slowly getting there.

I tell you what i am being in my bed before 9pm tonight I CAN NOT WAIT

is it sad i cant wait for an early bed alone? i told jack that. he didnt look pleased but i told him i have to make the most of it before i have to sleep next to him for the rest of my life XD

tomorrow is school

got a few practicals too >< just hope i can get through the day

Oh and I havent personally seen the paint jobs but mum took photos and i think it looks ok, she said ti does look alright actually and dad even liked it! my god! my parents always hate my colour choices! so i am keen to see it in person!

made sugar mess

 Evening

I woke up a fair bit in the night, so was a bit tired this morning 

we got to school and many of science staff asked us about our bungalow and they had even been talking amongst themselves about it too, as some came up to us and was like "heard about your bungalow!" they were happy for us ^^

I made mess today, making up 5L of sugar solutions, I used the hot plate to heat the water to make is dissolve quicker and i spilt the sugar onto the hot plate then the solution split too, so i had this liquid and sugar crystals burning onto essentially a hot hob! it smelt nice at first, kinda like caramel then turned to burnt smell XD I spilt solution where i was working too, honestly i couldnt havent made more mess if i had tried! I put it down to tiredness

I did other stuff and got the day done but i was bloody done i tell you!

got home and was ready for a brew and pain killers

found out mum and dad had been at the bungalow today ^^ helping out which i appreciated very much

after dinner i took jack over to the bungalow as his mum and step dad were coming over to help wallpaper, i was going to measure stuff cus you know - i have more stuff to buy! and as i spent 5-10mins looking for the tape measure i was using i gave in and rang home. dad had pocketed the tape measure -_____- i was peeved but im only a 1min drive away so its not all bad. i went home, grabbed it, came back and measured up. jack's parents turned up and i stayed for a few mins talking to them then went home to order. and been here ever since. i have more bits to order but dont want to order before i have confirmed a few things with jack so i will show him tomorrow as i imagine he will get back late. no rush anyway.

it will come together i am sure

we got stuff in the post today such as bedroom curtains and curtain pole and cutlery organiser so i can wash my cutlery now and take that over.

mum says she will just keep popping over when she has time, shes so good to me

tomorrow just another school day then anytime left goes to house i suppose :/

slept on the sofa

 Evening

I was so done last night

Jack didnt get home til 10:15pm

He needed to shower, so as soon as he came home I sent him to shower, baring in mind everyone was thinking of going to bed and he had the shower on. I was stressed with everything, I was at my limit and had enough. He came out the shower and joined me in bed but was very fidgety due to him doing a physical and mental activity of hanging wallpaper half hour previous, so he was fidgeting, my dad was snoring, my brother was playing his ipad in his room.

my limit was met

i grabbed my stuff and took it downstairs.

left it on the sofa and went for a wee, i came out the toilet and found jack in the living room

i was like "what you doing here?"

jack "i came to see if you were ok"

"yes I am fine I just need to be alone, im sleeping on the sofa"

"thats not fair on you tho, you will ache, I will sleep on the sofa"

"no jack just go away I am sleeping here"

and he left. I felt a bit awful but I just needed to be alone, i was in the quiet and had more space on the sofa than on my bed with jack

I woke up to the sound of the printer my dad turned on at 6:50am --_______--

I went to see mum at 7am and told her i slept downstairs and I did sleep but had a stiff back

I went to see jack and he wondered if i was cross at him, i wasnt and gave him cuddles. we got up and had breakfast

signed into the online meeting in our pyjamas and when that had finished we went to the bank so i could transfer jack money. then we went to pick up yet more paint. came back to the bungalow to find chris had just pulled up to have a look round the house and gave his opinion on stuff which was nice of him. and as luck would have it our bed was delievered whilst chris was there so he was able to help jack shove it into the spare room until we are ready for it

I took jack home and we had some lunch, i took him back over to the bungalow with the microwave as i thought i could take some stuff over slowly. stuff that wont get in the way whilst decorating and cleaning kinda thing. his mum came over and helped him lay more wallpaper and he came home at 6pm for dinner, then went over with dad to do some odd jobs then home again for the evening

his mum is coming over again at 6;30pm tomorrow to help with wallpaper so it will be another late night no doubt which i am not happy about due to having school in the morning but i cant turn the help away. just gotta get through it.

i have just slept and took it easy today, and done some display work really

tomorrow is school

i hope i sleep and i can get through a boring day at school >< 

Already fed up of the house

 Evening

I didnt sleep great, I woke up to dad snoring, then jack snoring, then my arm was hyper extending off the bed, I got cold as I lost my blanket. And yeah it just wasnt a good night to be honest

We woke up at 7:30am as my dad wanted to go to the tip at 8:30am as jack's mum was coming at 9am

so I got up with him - reluctantly - but i knew he would want to eat breakfast with me rather than eating alone. So then him and dad went and took more garden waste to the tip. and then went straight to the bungalow. I stayed home as my collection order would be ready between 10-11am at B&Q 

so i pleased myself and did some dancing and yoga as i was very stiff from not doing anything yesterday but it was an effort

mum came with me to collect which I am very happy about as I picked up paint from B&M as well which was cheaper than B&Q as B&Q didnt have my paint in stock. but it was all soo heavy to carry

I got to the bungalow after dropping mum off home, I txted mia who came round bringing me stuff and bringing me the hoover which i asked her this morning if i could collect from her but she brought it all round with rob and the dogs, had a look round the bungalow and then went and took the dogs a walk. she loved the bungalow, feel like everyone loves it but me!

after making jack and his mum a brew and measuring up a few more things i came home as I felt very much at my limit to be honest of what i could handle. i was sick of having to do things and fetch things and think of things. I made lunch and dad took it over to jack and did another tip run with him whilst his mum went home to his sisters for a bit. i went to bed.

mum woke me wanting to do a walk

so i was happy in a warm bed and got thrusted outside in the cold

upon walking down the side pathway of the bungalow we looked up and saw that dad jack and dad's friend bran was in the bungalow, dad waved for us to come in so we walked round. and basically thrust on me that bran has a week off (hes a painter and decorator) and wants to help, what colours do i want the living room, hall and kitchen? just like that i am suppose to know! so i went inside the bungalow with jack and he looked as clueless as ever when it came to this sort of thing. so i made the decisions and ran it by jack but he would be fine with anything. told bran and my dad and then went for a walk with mum like we were doing. we talked about the house - could of guessed we'd talk about that!

i got home and just wanted to be left alone to be honest

i had had enough T^T just everyone leave me alone!

so instead i sat with Oz on the sofa and looked at yet more stuff i have to order! yet more money! thats another £100 gone just like that, and tomorrow I need to buy paint T^T so more money

i couldnt order paint online again tonight so i will go down to B&M and see if they have any paint

dad came home with jack and i made him sit, i made him a cup of tea with brandy in it

i made us beans on toast for dinner as he was meeting him mum round the bungalow at 6pm for wallpaper laying

he later phoned me "i dont have a pencil"

i could cry

he works so slow and is so disorganised im always picking up the pieces

but i guess he is busy and has a lot to think about 

he just is so slow doing anything.

so mum drove me over to the bungalow, pencil in hand, as i looked like death

delivered pencil and came away

its 9pm and he isnt home yet, hes got to shower all the paint and dust off himself yet!

I sat doing some school work at my desk to chill out to for an hour and means i have an hour's less work to do tomorrow, it chilled me out painting baby yoda 

tomorrow we are working from home for the first time ever on an insec day!

so we are gonna do that and do other bits like the bank, and let chris come see the bungalow as he said he would help and there is a lot he can help with to be honest.

got A LOT to do tomorrow, from bank, work, carpet shop, B&M for paint

i want to cry

its all too much 

i dont want the house anymore

just take it away

first 24 of the house

 Konbanwa~

We both slept well

but got up as I knew we had a lot to crack on with

so by 9am my dad had fired the chain saw up and got one his friends to help him

we went over about 9:30am, i didnt even get out my car I just dropped jack off XD

I had an easy morning as I was quite dead to be honest but I went to the corner shop with mum to get bread for lunch and helped but lunch together for the 3 guys

jack hadnt done an awful lot by lunch time due to him being on the phone to his mum then his nan....

But I made him sit and eat lunch and i made them all a hot drink 

just as jack was finishing his coffee his mum and step dad arrived, they wanted the grand tour then my brother turned up who also wanted the grand tour so i did that then he soon sloped off whereas jacks parents stayed and helped clean. jack and his mum took the kitchen and the other 3 men were outside decimating the garden. we have nothing left as sadly the trees were rotten and bushes were dead. so yeah it looks like a grave yard. but needed to be done. its now a blank canvas for mum

i left after 90mins as i could feel the cold seeping in my joints and my stomach knotting up 

so i went home, hoping i didnt look like a lazy, ungrateful selfish brat

i went online after i had measured things up at the bungalow and spent £140 on stuff for the bedroom and a few things for the house we needed

then i went and got warm in my bed

Jack came home and showered and we ordered pizza 

then we looked at stuff to decorate with on B&Q website. we managed to order everything apart from paint. like no paint in stock. its a bit worrying. so im hoping there might be something in store tomorrow i can pick up maybe, if not then i guess we will have to paint at a later state. but at least we have the wallpaper and stuff for now, spent a further £70 online there tho -______-

so i will go down and pick it all up tomorrow at some point in the morning

my dad and jack are going to the tip at 9am to get rid of all the garden waste 

and his mum is coming over to clean for a few hours in the morning as well

so another day to the bungalow, another day i cant really help out

im shattered and just had enough already whereas i should be excited and getting involved but once again my illess likes to make its self known and likes to ruin my life.

the kitchen isnt even fully cleaned yet. everything is taking sooooooooo long

Jack and Jo in da Bungalow

 Evening

I slept well and so did jack actually, probably the brandy in his tea last night XD

This morning i did 25mins of dancing til I was hot and sweaty then went for a shower, then me and jack started to watch some of the videos we are gonna watch on monday just to keep us busy and to save time really, it was really boring and we only watched the first health and safety video as the solicitors rang jack at 10:30am and said we can go get the keys!

so I shouted mum from the top of the stairs and told her to get her stuff together as we were off to get keys and to also get a shed load of cleaning products, mum cleans all the time she loves it and knows what works best and what to get so we took her with us and she drove us to the estate agents and we got the keys and they have an awful key chain on XD then we went wilkos and spent £97 on cleaning products! 0.0 how is that possible!? my mum was loving it. We also got a kitchen bin with all that too as we need one.

we got home at 11:50am and had tea cakes and a brew and biscuit then we drove all the cleaning stuff over to the bungalow

I felt sick if i am honest but mum said it was excitement

I went and put the key in the door and opened the door and made jack carry me over the threshold XD he only just managed it, it was very inelegant but i expect no less from him

we looked round the bungalow, refreshing ourselves with it and assessing it really

the people who owned it and had left us wine, a card, lawn mower, garden equipment, microwave, washer, fridge, sofa, garden ornaments, a bit of cleaning equipment and a note 

it was very lovely of them and i think they appreciate we were first time young buyers so we dont have anything

upon looking around i was feeling quite overwhelmed as i just literally didnt know where to start. everything has like a layer of grim on it like nothing has been cleaned for a very long time. like everything. window frames, light switches, surfaces, tiles, taps, everything

mum said for me and jack to do the kitchen as she wanted to do the bathroom

so i started on the fridge which was grim to be honest i had to take all the shelves out and disinfect everything and wiped down the whole outside too. jack started on the cooker, he thought the glass cover on the top was frosted glass...no it was just layers of grime. yeah its all very unloved and gross

we had all the windows and doors open to air the place as the air is stale

i was getting very cold

and to be honest it all got to me and i cried and jack held me. i was tired, in pain and just done.

mum saw and straight away was like "taking you home"

but i felt like i was giving in, i wasnt able to keep up and only managed to clean a small fridge

she said "it is not worth making yourself sick, things will get done when they get done. every little thing helps so what you have done has helped. we will just do a bit each time"

so she left jack there and drove me home were i got wrapped up, dosed up with pain killers and went to bed. i felt useless and didnt want think or feel

jack later woke me up and i was glad he was home and he was smiling but the smile soon vanished when he realised how dead i was. my body was weak and shaking. and i looked like death.

yeah not good

he told me his mum is coming on saturday and i cried as i worried that i might be able to help, its frustrating and if i can manage to even clean a house how will i be able to even live without the help of my parents!? if i can not help tomorrow and end up going home to rest, what will others think? will the think i am lazy or disinterested or ungrateful?

yeah i wasnt happy

i should be happy

i have a house, something i never thought would happen

but im just overwhelmed by it all

but i am also sure that we will do this

jack is supporting me all the way

my dad and brother maybe will come tomorrow, dad is rearing to go XD hes even taken the day off work something he NEVER does.

i hope tomorrow goes well for us

so yeah we are officially home owners

jack has been sorting out all the bills bless him

i cut his hair for him tonight so he looks tidy for when his mum sees him tomorrow, cant let her think im not looking after her baby boy XD

i am looking forward to decorating tho, i will take photos but today was just full on and i didnt get my chance.

I'll be a home owner tomorrow

 Evening~~~~

I didn't sleep well last night, a certain someone who will remain unnamed was snoring >.>

but he was tired yesterday so I didnt wake him and just tried to sleep but the noise of it kept waking me up! I woke up at 4am and was pretty much awake from then on. By 5:40am i was up, i'd had enough of waiting for the alarm to go off and I had stomach ache too.

two mornings in a row Ive had upset stomach T^T

Today at work I feel it was painfully slow

just time went slow and I was so tired and exhausted so it felt like it took 10x more effort just to move my body around the school

I got everything done tho and did some extra bits I have wanted to do but just wanted to go home the day was such a slog but we got nice comments upon leaving  like "good luck tomorrow" 

We got home and had a brew with Oz and mum, I was gonna dance but dad came home early! urgh what were the chances of that happening >.> I was well annoyed so I decided to go a walk and jack kindly came with me :)

we got back and jack started looking at house insurance and other housey bill crap stuff and had a shower and then worked on my drawing for the first time all god damn week!

so this time tomorrow I will be a house owner

bit hard to fully appreciate or comprehend 

and is incredibly daunting 

jack is much more excited about it all

i am just overwhelmed and wonder what the hell i have got myself in for

but we have had loads of support and people saying they will help

so we shall see what the next chapter will be~

so tired -_______________-

Paid for the bungalow

 Nyaw~

I slept better last night but jack didnt sleep so well, he said he caught me one time scratching myself in my sleep and stopped me. I do that when I am stressed I know I do but I didnt know  I was scratching last night. I got up at 4am for a wee and a drink and to blow my nose - - needed the full works at 4am XD then woke up at 5:50am and got up

School was ok 

I was a bit stressed as I knew all the money for the house was in my account and needed to be paid into the solicitors account before 1pm. I was so stressed and fuzzy headed that I told jack at 9am I wanted to go to the bank now and do it. Just to get it out the way and to stop thinking about it. he didnt argue and just came with me. wasnt until after I had driven and started walking towards the bank did i think "the bank opens at 10am" we got there and yup 10am

so i had to drive back to school, work, drive back to the bank and hour later

we were almost an hour in the bank as we had to wait to be seen to and then doing the transfer took a while as they have to make sure none of it is fraud related

but I did it and they said it will take about 90mins for the money to transfer

we got back to school and I quickly had to get a practical ready and I did manage it. 

luckily we had brought a cake and i was able to top up my sugar levels as i felt practically faint, i was so shaky and weak. i rang my bank after lunch and the money has left my account so thats all done and we let the solicitor and estate agents know that we had transfer them the money

we finished school and had a brew with Oz, after which i did 45mins of yoga and Oz sat there the whole time on the sofa by himself just dropping in and out of sleep bless him X3 so he was out on the sofa for like 90mins and no toilet accidents. just lazy that bunny

i helped a bit with dinner

than after dinner i sat talking with jack about stuff like understanding life and will i get bored, what more is there to achieve, what is next, where do i go from here, whats my next goal

he is able to calm my thoughts and see things in a different perspective

sadly no time for drawing tonight even tho i probably had some concentration for it too! T^T i just tun out of time for my own life on a weekday its so sad. its 8:10pm and i have got to go get my lunch prepared for tomorrow, see Oz and then go to bed >.>

still last day of school tomorrow as we have permission to have friday off! woo! its bloody needed!

nothing more i can do now apart from wait for the keys on friday~

ending is in sight

 Evening~

I couldnt sleep at all, I did however try to sleep IN my bed last night as apposed to sleeping ON it. As thats how I have been sleeping for the last few weeks and I did manage the night in my bed but I kept waking up simply cus I was about falling off the bed! it is so difficult in the end I woke jack up saying hes got to move as I am slipping off the bed

I woke up at 4:30am and kinda just waited til morning really and got up at 5:40am as I had enough

Oz was such a grouch this morning tho! woke up on the wrong side of the bed himself I think XD and all day he has been in mood which isnt like him

School was hard as I had 2 practicals first and second period, the beetroot prac. its hard work and I helped the students clear it up  too and then I had shed loads of washing up. it makes 2 full bowls of washing up. so many cuvettes and test tubes T^T I did some of Julia's washing up too for her

My mum had the job of transferring me her money and in the end she rang me and i video called her so i could talk her through sending her bank information so i could have her money basically. But it didnt work the first time so she rang me back 2 hours later it needed to be done differently and she was so stressed bless her so i talked her through it again and yeah she wasnt happy just cus she was home alone doing this massive thing by herself

I got home and hugged mum and she was happy to see me

she made me and jack a brew and we sat with Ozwald who was still grumpy for whatever reason then me and mum went for a walk i could not be arsed to even keep my eyes open never mind a sodding walk i was sooo tired been tired all day, life just feels like an endurance test. i keep feeling dizzy and my heart is erratic at times. but i know all should calm down once we have the keys 

i fell asleep for 20mins after dinner, mum woke me up and she asked if i would check my bank account to see if things had progressed and they had so tomorrow me and jack are going to the bank in the morning to transfer money and pay for bungalow and then we are done, well should be as this is literally the last bit i feel i can finally see some sort of ending in sight. I am dead nervous tho, this is biggest amount of money i will ever sign away and probably wont see again, but it will be worth it i am sure.

so thats tomorrow, work - bank - back to work - home - die 

still no money

 Evening~

Didn't sleep great, I woke up at midnight after having a nightmare of being chased through fields and once I woke up I was sweaty and got up for a wee and climbed back into my small portion of my bed T^T

We got ready for school pretty early as I started my day at 5:40am - i get earlier -_____-

School went fine it was a bit tiring

I rang the bank up to see if my money had been transferred but no such luck, mum' hasnt been transferred ether, it might be that friday doesnt happen :/ need that money done and dusted by tomorrow or wednesday morning at the latest

I didnt want to go home

I didnt want to talk about the house, or the fact the money hadnt gone in. or anything house related. but luckily i think people sensed that and didnt talk to me about it, and i voiced how i felt.

Oz has a bit of an off tummy from his injection yesterday bless him, hes ok tho he is eating. we sat with him after school with a brew then i motivated myself for a walk and jack came with me and I havent really done much else since then been shattered

tomorrow I have 2 difficult practicals first and second period. I spent 2 hours today corring beetroot for it! I had had enough of doing that I can tell you. But once tomorrow is out the way I dont have to do it again for another year! But the rest of the day doesnt look too bad. just a hard morning. Then I have to ring the bank up again and check if the money has gone in my account to probably only be disappointed. 

so thats tomorrow really

Oz had his vaccinations

 Evening

I woke up in the night with my arms hanging out the bed - hyper extending.....not good for someone with my type of joints. I couldnt move them. I almost woke Jack but the thought of waking him saying "I cant move my arms" sounded a bit retarded. So I slowly moved them and it felt sooo painful. But managed to sleep after that but it is so hard to sleep in that single bed. I miss my plush too T^T

I woke up at 7:30am and needed to move I got right out of bed cus i felt like I hadnt moved in hours and my joints hurt. So i went up to Ozwald and released him into the garden. Then I just laid on the sofa for a bit, heard my mum and dad wake up so i went to see mum as I was a bit troubled by the aspect of taking Oz to the vets that morning. But mum reassured me and stuff. think i just needed to air how I was feeling.

So with a bit of help from Jack we got Oz all set to go~

we had to wait in the car til someone came out to collect Oz from us which is very strange and watching him being carried off by a complete stranger set massive alarm bells of anxiety off inside me

I was called to say he was all well and vet vaccinated him and that I could come collect him and pay for his treatment.  £67 it cost me! £67! usually its £35 I was quite surprised but i can remember last year I took him and they offered me this extra vaccination for £30 and I chose not to have it but they said they have combined the two vaccines so thats why it was expensive >.> but at least he is safe and protected against fatal infections and diseases. The vets were kind enough not to comment on his weight XD

I brought him home and put him in his cage to chill out as he was a bit stressed

from there he has been grumpy and feeling a bit off I can tell he doesnt quite feel right. but vaccinations always do that to rabbits and even us humans, we can feel yucky after being jabbed

me and jack had an hour's walk after that and picked up tea cakes for lunch too then had those when we got home.

This afternoon i brought a few little things off ebay just earrings for jack and a bow for me and hair accessories, as it will probably be the last time i stock up on such luxuries ><

I had a cry to mum just cus I said I didnt want to go to school tomorrow as it feels from there its like the final countdown to owning a house. but she supported me and said it will probably all feel like a relief once we have it and then we can take stuff at our own pace. sick of being such a wreck. i looked like death. jack came downstairs and found me just finishing up my cry to mum and he went to fetch Oz who was grumpy and we had a brew with him which mum kindly made. everyone looks after me and tries to keep me happy and sane.

I've done some drawing as well, ive started my Moltres and Birdramon picture, I do find drawing birds tricky as I am not used to drawing them at all! but I am trying.

I want to paint my nails tonight and have an early night as I am so tired its untrue. Sick of my eyes burning all the time even tho i use my eye drops. So tired. think it is just stressed related. my body is just exhausted.

tomorrow is school and I dont think my day will be too bad to be honest well i hope it wont but as of right now i feel like i literally dont have the energy for it but i know i will get through the day somehow. I might have to pop into the bank during school hours to transfer money tho. As cus of lockdown my bank is only open between 10-3pm mon-fri and i work those hours so i will  have to leave just to pop down the road and sign some papers which should be fine. and hopefully the last thing i will have to do!

Oz as vets tomorrow :(

 Evening

Last night I put Molly to my face - mistake

I forget how much of a reaction I have to Molly

i couldnt breathe my chest was tight my nose was running

and my eyes were running so much but one had a real bad reaction it was soooo red and watery there was no white left on it and it was like that when i went to bed

I woke up a lot in the night and had an awful dream about a rabbit that had half it's face bitten off by a dog and was still alive. horrible

woke up at 8am and felt crippled my shoulder hurt like i had slept funny

I cleaned Oz out this morning and then did 30mins of dancing until I was sweaty

then after my shower I got on the phone to the bank and sorted a few bits out, still got more to sort out tho.

I laid on my bed whilst Jack was using his laptop on my desk to look at bills we would have

I fell asleep and woke up at 1pm wanting food

and after food me and jack went for a walk then sat with Oz

then havent done much else since really as ive been tired and need to rest

we are however watching anime tonight together which we havent done in ages it was jack's suggestion so we chose Haruhi Suzumiya

tomorrow at 10:15am my Ozwald has the vets

where he be told he is quite overweight...I also cant go in the room with him

then I will do a walk with jack no doubt

this time next week I should be a house owner!

 Evening

I slept like crap last night, felt so tired this morning, literally woke up every hour

so yeah quite tired today

school went ok I had 2 practicals, one of which took a lot of work on my part to be honest

and i had just had enough. but got the day done

i had 2 cookies jack brought me and my heart went out of rhythm 

so sick of this! its not fair! I love sugary foods but now it seems like i deemed to suffer eating them

it sucks so much! to the point where i wonder if it is even worth eating them T^T

we showed Hannah pictures of the bungalow today and she really liked it

We got home and had a brew

then I did 40mins of dancing ^^ it felt good to do some and i wasnt even that out of breath afterwards, was sweaty tho and I dont think Jack has ever seen me that sweaty before XD

I had a shower and got in pyjamas and ate my dinner with my brother as Jack had some online scout meeting that went on for 90mins! so he had dinner after  us

I sat with Oz on the sofa whilst he ate his dinner, there was a few fireworks but nothing compared to last night so i luckily havent needed to have Oz in my bedroom tonight

god I hope i sleep tonight im so done

jack is playing on his laptop on my desk, hes online with theo and harvey i encouraged him to play online with them as i think its healthy for him to talk to his friends now. 

i just hope he doesnt finish up too late

tomorrow 

i will dance in the morning ^^ then to be honest I am unsure what is happening

be my last weekend of freedom before i am tethered to a house!

stupid fireworks

 Evening

I slept pretty well in fact i looked at the time this morning thinking it was gonna be 3am and i could stay longer in bed but it was like 5:50am! so i got up

All day i have felt sickly anxious like when youre gonna do an exam

i got the day done at school some how but i kept stopping as my heart was going erratic and what with running around with a mask on, it was making me feel quite dizzy and faint. a few times i felt like if something was to go wrong or someone have a go at me id literally cry. very much at breaking point. my heart goes out of rhythm a lot today, mostly when I think about the house!

im just having an off day im sure

i spoke to chris and he says he has a whole week off work and nothing to do and its literally as we get the keys he has a weeks so hes kindly offered his amazing DIY and electrical skills to the bungalow and to be honest he looks more excited about doing it up than i do! and he knows how to do sooo much as hes done it all before. i hope he can help but i also dont expect it.

I got home after work feeling knackered 

it hurt to walk and joints hurt a lot so i knew i was gonna be doing yoga tonight and not a walk so after a sit with a brew i did 45mins of yoga and felt a bit better for it, helped with dinner but ended up getting Oz and the girls in half way through our dinner as the fireworks out side had reached a loud and stupid point and they dont like the noise so they came in

and its 8pm and Oz his laying under my bed, well happy, and also hot. hes been running around upstairs that much that hes made himself rather warm! but he total forgets about the fireworks when he comes in my room he loves it so much, just cus its such a rare treat for him. literally only bring him in bonfire night and the weekend it is close to as thats the worse for fireworks. keeps it a treat for him something special and distracting 

tomorrow it is friday thank bloody god

dont know how i am gonna get through the following weeks

8 days til i am a house owner.....