Evening~
I ached man in bed
took 3 types of pain killers to numb my pain
i did fall asleep around 11pm so wasnt too bad
it was yoga that made me ache
karen worked us hard
but she did the dragon dance with us which was good as its like tai chi
and its movements you learn in a sequence so its like a dance to me ^^
I woke up at 7:45am
felt sad about not running
i want to run, badly
its crushed me in a way as i feel its another thing my body or illnesses
have taken from me, and over the years they have both taken A LOT from me
running has been added to the list
I rang up the chiropractic clinic my parents use and have used for over 10 years now
im going on thursday to go see if anything can be done to help my joints
didnt like the feel of even my shoulders knocking in and out of place during yoga
sick of it
got ready to go city centre with mum
i was numb to the world today, in my own bubble as it were
its like drowning and you get so far under you just give up and let yourself drown
im not happy and havent been happy for a long time
i do feel like giving up
no aspect of my life is giving me happiness or if it is i dont feel it
like i said, numb
so we got into the city around 10;30am
mum got the bits she needed
i brought a jumper in the sale for £7 and a iridescent t-shirt for £6
never worn a t-shirt like it, its see through but shimmers i liked it
and said id wear it on holiday as you can see everything
i have a bralette i can wear under it
we came home for lunch i didnt want food but ate anyway
it keeps raining today like random scattered showers very annoying as girls havent been out and i was gonna go for a walk
i did some sewing
i eventually got the border on took a while but got there
made the straps for it to hang off as well
so now it needs a good iron, attaching to the backing blanket then quilting and done~
looking good~
quilting will be difficult tho i know it will
i sat and had a brew sat with Oz on the sofa whilst drinking it
he looked shattered XD
eventually i laid along side him reading my kindle
didnt realise he fell asleep whilst i was stroking him!!
bless him! never had a rabbit fall asleep whilst touching them!
so sweet he is lazy
i did a little bit of drawing, digitally
need to photograph yesterdays pen drawing
looked at dances i want to do
want something else to learn for some reason XD
so ive picked Predianna Let Me Alone
did it a few years back but i like the dance and want to try again
knowing i can do better these days~
tomorrow i would be doing my 11th park run with adams parents in a wood
the whole thing is a kick in teeth
be weird not going
i will find another way to entertain myself
tonight i might start that dance
in my room, havent danced in my room for such a long time
might read manga too!!!
might do japanese too ive been currently cermenting in my katakana and hiragana
just about nailed them
i can read them no trouble but remembering to write them and their strokes
is something i need to cerment in
this came in the post today
flag that basically says 'ice' kinda like the japanese version of a sign saying 'shaved ice' or 'ice cream' what i make out anyway, just see it on anime all the time
saw one on ebay for £2.80 and wanted it
not sure what i'll do with it yet but i will think of something
Evening
I slept normally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
first time in absolutely weeks!
I fell asleep around 10:30pm and woke up at 7am
so not bad at all~
would have been a perfect morning to run it truly would have been
but my joints are still hurting, im hurting if im honest
just my body aches, its being thrashed too much
so i said i'd dance, think mum was happy i wasnt running
so i danced for 30 mins which was good as i practised more Yosakoi
but without the Naruko as my brother was home
can be annoying XD
From there I showered and did the sewing I wanted to get done
cut out my border but didnt sew any of it as adam turned up from work
of course instantly theres an atmosphere
mum was right in a mood and it makes me in mood
so i a bit off with adam i literally cant help but push him away
it must be hard
i was bored and fed up
so in the end i took us to a park to walk round
me as usual doing the taking
walk was alright i was quiet, deciding id let him do the talking for a change
he tried i guess but he's just dull
we went to his house and his parents were both off work
so i saw them
and it was the first time ive seen his mum in almost 3 weeks
she said she'd missed me
his dad challenged me every given moment
so its me him batting it off whilst adam and his mum just laugh
it passed time, guess i didnt mind it even tho i am the court jester in a way
feel i just go up to entertain him and his family
i came home for yoga
all id done at adams was sit and talk to him and his family
so i was glad to come away but didnt know if mum was still in a mood
she had chilled out a bit
adam even asked if something was wrong between me and mum and said
he could feel there was an atmosphere and he has never said that before
perhaps he can feel my mum doesnt want him over
dont why mum is being hard work with it all
adds to my confusion
i know my parents dont think highly of my choice of relationship
but what can i do right now
makes everything harder
we went yoga
karen had a week off last week today was her first day back
jesus it was mental it seriously was
shes crazy
my body hurt, shook, and aches and is tight
positions i dont usually have an issue with have been getting harder lately
and its due to running
so i talked about it and im gonna give running up
its doing more damage than good it truly is
its making everything hurt
and aggravating my hyper mobility syndrome
its a crushing blow but ive got accept it isnt right for my body
ive only got one body and ive got to listen to it.
i dance and do yoga so i'll go back to how it was
sad isnt it when i was doing so well
im planning on ringing up the chiropractic clinic my parents go to for a free consultation to see if they can help my joints of its my hyper mobility getting worse and theres nothing that can be done
got this in the post a lip balm its really good stuff
can see why its usually £10 but i won it due to no one bidding
so it was mine for £3
doing nails tonight
tomorrow city centre with mum!
Evening~~
I was downstairs on pain killers and doing yoga
til 1:15am
fed up of it
i even subjected myself to a rank sleep tea!
did bugger all
I woke up at 7:45am listening to mum leaving for a run
i usually accompany her on
she didnt even wake me >.>
we agreed to give my joints a break today which has been hard
ive wanted to run but my joint hurt
I got ready to see Lynn today
i went to go meet her at a park and ride car park
but it was rammed like it was christmas or something
turned out it was some religious thing so loads of muslims
filled the car park up to walk to this religious thing on the field near the car park
so i had to turn out the car park and drive down the road
i texted lynn saying i was a 10 min walk away
i saw her and it was good to see her
she looked much better than i had expected
i must say ive never really had to deal with cancer
my auntie died of it but i was never around her when she was having treatment
so i wasnt sure what to expect
but yeah she looked good :)
we went round this tiny market
i could tell lynn was weaker than what she was last time tho
so i carried stuff and she looked for a cafe to sit and have a drink
there was none so i suggested i get my car pick her up and take her to one
that was a disaster as i said id pick her up from the car park as there
was no where suitable close by to pick her up from
got the the car park and all the muslims decided to leave didnt they
so i was effectively blocked in the car park
eventually got to lynn and we sat in my car for a while til we could get
out the car park
i drove us to a town and to a cafe me mum and adam frequent and so does lynn
she treated me to a brew and beans on toast
we talked and talked
we talked about mental health and i told her whats up with me
its amazing how she can relate to what i have
i told her i'd been on Cabramazepine and she said
"that one gave me fits. isnt that for psychosis?"
i was like "yeah..."
we walked by a few shops and i saw my first christmas thing this year
yup already
i kid you not, its August 22nd a 4 months before christmas
thats a 3rd of a year before christmas and theyre getting the stuff out already
it was a giant cut out of santa
god knows why they wanted that in the window
unless they wanted to get egged XD
she asked if i could take her home
i felt tired but i did it as i know shes not strong
i stayed at her house for an hour saw her husband Den and spoke with him
then i left
i decided i'd be an alley cat today and stay out all day
i drove to adams unexpected to him X3
he was happy to see me tho
and i felt better today that yesterday
just the way the moods flow
we didnt do much adam was crippled from physio he'd been too
his back is bad but he was told his hip was out of alignment and thats why he was having such trouble with his back
i left for home, had dinner and danced for 15mins
dont feel ive done a lot of exercise today so god knows how tonight will go
usually full of thoughts about how fat i am, how much weight i have to lose
all cus i havent exercised much
fun!
i got this in the post today etude house
sun cream for my face for when i go abroad complete with free samples as usual
tomorrow unsure as of yet what to do
probably exercise, quilt, maybe adam, then yoga~
mum keeps telling me how tired i look lately
Evening~~
Last night I took 3 Calms tablets
and had a sleep tea
I havent had sleep tea in ages Id given up on it and it tastes horrid
so i avoid it
I made a mug up last night
my brother says it smells like a bin (after he'd sworn twice)
my dad said it smells like a tramp's arse hole
i have to drink it!!
but i think it did help as I fell asleep just before midnight
woke up at 7:30am feeling tired but its those calms tablets they
make you groggy at first
I picked a wasp up by the wings today to get it out my brother's room
he HATES them makes him swear and everything
he told me to F off twice when he saw what I did XD
absolute shock and disgust XD
He says his friend is coming over this week to bleach his hair and dye it silver
i was quite envious as when i was 17 i really really wanted white hair
i had really short hair at the time, kinda like a pixie cut so it would
have looked sick but i didnt do it in the end as it would have wrecked my
hair and not to mention the roots would have been annoying
I danced this morning
got sweaty quickly as its been humid all day its been horrible really
i went for a shower then pretty much worked on my quilt
its all one piece now! took me ages to applique the flowers onto it but
done it now! so it now needs a border, feel im on the home stretch of finishing it
worked on it for a few hours today anyway
this is fabric i ordered from Korea for the border
cleaned up for mum
went online and checked a few things
no one got back to me about dance lessons
theres a film i want to see, an actual film XD
cant remember the last time i saw i film!
its called Your Name
knew about it from last year but came across it again today and want to see it
its on Netflix but when i checked my brother's Netflix it wasnt on
so i believe its just the American one its on
well annoying
the DVD is £8.35 /:
not sure whether to buy it or not really
Adam insisted on seeing me today
before he did i danced and got hot and sweaty
it was good tho as i blasted out music :D
see adam...
ahhh that was difficult
he came and he said "you have no emotions again"
i just kept pushing away and away
i couldnt cope and i told him and i told him hes making this difficult for me
but i could see he couldnt understand just what was going off in my head
when i dont understand or confused or unsure i withdraw and thats all i wanted to do
but he kept on
he said "i cant feel your walls going up"
he tried to kiss me and said "see, why did your back arch like that?"
not my fault i was tense
he has no idea
and i tried to tell him and he said "you cant bury your head, you say you fight through life but you dont fight whats going off in your head"
it is true that
i told him "i cant understand why you still bother with me"
he said "because i love you, why do you even say that? do you want me to go?"
i said "sometimes i want everyone away other times i dont want people to give up on me, im so conflicted and dont understand whats going off"
but it was nice that he stood up against me instead of letting it pan out
he said "you are hard work today"
i thought i must have been for him to say that
i did eventually relax a bit tho and tried to enjoy his company
dont know whats up with me
its not his fault i just wish i was normal and had normal emotions so i could work stuff out
he left, he walked to mine and walked home
he hasnt done that in a very long time
usually im ferrying him around
he says his parents have been asking about my whereabouts XD
cus im usually up and ive only been up once for 2 hours in the last 2 weeks
not sure what to do tonight might read manga
which is what ive been doing past few nights just on my bed
i grab pandora hearts im on vol17 next
tomorrow i believe i am seeing lynn
my god i havent seen lynn in over a year easy
shes currently having her chemotherapy and has lost her hair
so it will be a shock to see her but i just want to see her
were going to a market
i dont need anything i just want to go see her :D
Evening~~
Yesterday was games night!
Id been awake since 2am and woke up at 7:45am
safe to say I was tired
but I still motivated myself for a run
I came back and showered
did some sewing but realised I needed yet more fabric!
I did other jobs to pass the time
I didnt want to see adam til at mia's
4pm came and I was over at Mia's house
it was good to see her and rob
didnt get very long with them at all before adam arrived
and I know i should feel happy to see him but I didnt really
i just instantly felt my walls go up
i feel awful treating him so coldly but im so confused how i feel right now
and i think my way of coping is to not feel and to push it all away
anyway so games night
we played crash team racing which of course i was a total pro at
i just havent lost that skill i owned all their butts on that games ;D
we played frogger but me and mia soon introduced to the boys how we play frogger
we play 'romeo and juliet' basically one person is romeo one is juliet
romeo has to sit on juliet and the whole 'death do us part' happens
as hippos go under water, logs disappear so when you sit on a hippo and it goes
under the water you die together
we kept doing it to the boys as we've had years of practice and my stomach
hurt from laughing so much mia was laughing her head off too
we played Darius a space ship game ive never known anyone to have even heard of but Rob said he owned that game!! oh my god i was shocked!
played rayman, pandemonium, let mia and rob play star wars,
we ordered pizza
2 x 12" BBQ
1 x 12" vegetable
i didnt eat any vegetable due to it being spicy and i didnt want an off stomach, dont cope with spice but the BBQ was good i had a few slices
then we went back for more games
me and mia went to make a brew and when we came back we found the boys on truck racing, level of sadness there but we sat and talked whilst they did that.
then that was about it
lots of laughs
adam tried to sneak a few cuddles from me by grabbing me whilst on the carpet but i didnt want it i just want to be left alone
we left at 10:30pm
i took adam home
he said "its not nice having an unemotional girlfriend whos not affectionate"
i said "well you try giving out affection when you feel no emotions, it feels wrong and i dont like doing it"
he said "my mum asked if everything is ok between us"
i said "what did you say to her?"
he said "i told her everything is fine. because it isnt it?"
the way he looked at me made me feel sick cus i just wanted to say "no" but i couldnt cause that hurt right there and then and so i replied "yeah it is"
he just looked so helpless and worried
its hard for us both right now, im in a messed up place and he doesnt know whats going off with me.
i wish i had a normal mind
he asked if he'd see me monday or tuesday i wanted to say "nether"
what is wrong with me? why am i such a jerk
i just said "not sure what im doing this week"
im so cold and heartless hes done nothing to deserve this coldness from me but i cant help myself
i drove home, thought i saw someone but no one was there, thought i saw a horse it was a cyclist
my brain is telling me stuff that simply isnt there or really there
its quite distressing and becoming more frequent
im not sure how to control it ether
i got home to find a text from adam
"my mum asked again if everything is ok between us"
i said "what did you say?"
he said "yes we're fine, i think shes wondering why you havent been up for 2 weekends now"
I said "last weekend i couldnt face the monotonous routine and this week i wanted to get stuff done and then see you at mia's"
he said "yeah i understand"
i ended up staying up til midnight as i needed time to wind down from all that excitement and fun so it left me stewing away with thoughts.
thoughts of adam
thoughts of whats wrong with me
thoughts of food and how fat i am and how i ate pizza
*gasp* sinful pizza -____- bet no one else went to bed feeling guilty about the pizza
i woke up at 7:30am
i felt rough like id been drinking or something
mum saw me and said "wow you look like death"
literally did look like a corpse
god knows what that was about
it took a while to get motivated and i even laid down on my bed thinking i would go to sleep but i said to myself that i really wont sleep tonight if i do that
so i got up out my pajamas and put my work out clothes on and did 15mins of dancing but it was exhausting!
i went for a shower and went to the shops for fabric, picked my brother up a surprise of a pasty for breakfast which he was well happy about XD
came home and went into the roof to put the playstation away
helped my brother with a job
checked my emails
it was 11am by this point i was impressed with how much id pushed myself to do to say i felt like death when i got up
i did some sewing
and this is how far i am
ive decided tho that the black surrounding the tshirt motif needs a bit of attention at its too plain so i looked at japanese to see if i wanted to write a quote but i think it will be fiddly doing kanji in such a small space so ive opted for flowers to match that on the geisha's kimono
thats tomorrow's job as id had enough
but looking good
needed the black outline on all the kimonos
sat with Oz and had a brew
we tried him with new cereal and he went mad for it
very cute but embarrassing Oz, have some decorum XD
I went to sort my dinner out
mum decided she'd do hers at the same time
she ended up by accident knocking over my trinket pot that i used every single day to put my pills in and it fell to the floor and broke...
i wasnt happy
2 things in 2 days that have broke of mine
this too was Lisa Parker the hare design!! i can not believe that i seriously cant
its a kick in the teeth as i love both items and both are not replaceable
ive tried gluing it and i'll check in the morning if its fixed
they say it happens in 3s so whats next of mine to break?
whats number 3?
stop breaking my things!!!!
looked at dance schools
but all the websites are crap
like they assume you know what types of dance mean
no prices nothing
so ive got 3 i need to email
planning on running tonight
i really cant be arsed if im honest
but i havent ran in the evening time in ages ive been doing it in the morning as i got in the habit of getting up early before the hot sun and doing it but the weather has been very mild lately so i can run in the evening and it did help my head so im hoping it will help my mentalness and i will sleep tonight as im sick to death sitting up by myself til 1am doing nothing cus im so damn tired and just want to sleep.
give it ago
tomorrow not sure what im doing
i know i should see adam
but god knows
and god knows what we'd do even
wish my head was normal
Evening~~
Last night I watched the final to Picnic at Hanging Rock
such a weird ending
feel like I watched 6 hours worth of a program i didnt fully understand XD
good tho
then I watched another episode of 8 out of 10 does countdown
it was good and i laughed, caught up with that now
its been such a long time since ive watched tv with my parents
i had a stretch on the sofa and my knee came out of place
oh my god i could have been sick
such a vile disgusting feeling and pain
i spent a while trying to get it back in
i could feel it knocking trying to go back in whilst i walked on it
oh it was gross and i said i wouldnt be running in the morning if it was still out
ive never had so much trouble with my knee joints since i started running
im always trying to run on softer ground to help my knees
my joint crack and come out of place cus of my Hyper Mobility Syndrome
but certain things aggravates it
i fell asleep around midnight so not a bad night for me really
woke up at 6:45am as a stupid wasp came into my room and was just buzzing
on my window it did my head in so i got up after a few mins
stupid thing i released it but felt like killing the bugger
i got up and felt round with my knee and i think keeping it in one position all night had settled it down as it seemed to be back in
i went downstairs dad was up as usual
he was putting the pots away from the dishwasher when i heard a smash and i knew on gut instinct that it was one of MY mugs
and i was right!
i couldnt believe it was my Lisa Parker Hare mug T^T
ive had it years and its my sodding favourite!!!!!
it was totally lost to us tho as it smashed into hundreds of pieces i kid you not
it went everywhere...at 7am
think we've hoovered up 3 times since it happened as we kept finding these tiny ant sized white mug pieces very odd the way it smashed
i was gutted and have since looked for a replacement online
but its discontinued which i knew it would be
i moved on cleaned my pigs out, stretched and had break fast
and went to park run
i wasnt in the mood to run
i saw Guy before the run started so i spoke with him
as the race started i could feel loads of adrenaline it was unreal
i tried hard this week actually
it was my 10th run
after the race i was sure i was gonna see my breakfast
i saw guy after the race and spoke with him til he left
he has so many hobbies and has such a great level of fitness
i said id see him again no doubt at park run
i went to wait with 2 people from mum's walking club
i did feel ok actually i was fine
i noticed that someone from my high school geography class finished the run too
i didnt like her in school so i didnt bother speaking to her
but i was silently pleased that id finished before her XD
mum finished and we set off home
i looked up the park run results and i got a new PB just a few seconds quicker than last week so i did it in 27:19 so thats alright,
i looked at Guy he did 25mins and it was only his 2nd park run
i was 115th out of 310 people so not bad huh
the girl from my year he quickest time was 31 mins and shes done it 67 times!!!
i felt kinda good to say ive done it 10 times
not sure how much longer i will keep it up for tho
running hasnt grabbed me ive just done it
I showered and sat round on laptop til lunch
had lunch then did my final 2 kimonos!!!
24 are done!
i laid them out in the order id like for them to be sewed
but upon laying them out did i realise that they quite mingle into one...
i believe that the design needs to be changed
so i have decided that each and every kimono will be outlined in a 1" black border
ahhhhhh more work!
but if im not gonna be happy with the finished result then theres no point and i will put in the extra time to get it how i want it
i felt a bit fed up mentally
just wasnt right really
felt like giving up with it all and was swamped with thoughts
i couldnt cope or bare to have the whole day like this
so i slept
cant say i felt that much better afterwards
i got up and had a brew whilst reading manga
then i went into the roof to get my playstation one down for tomorrow~
i sat looking for stuff online
just having a browse and sorting some stuff out
ordered some japanese learning books to try help me as i want to improve
i sat and did some japanese
i need to work harder for it but my head has been so busy and tired its hard
having the focus i need for it
tomorrow
i might go for a run not sure yet guess i see how i feel
then i might start cutting the 100 strips i think i need for the quilt XD
then i will get ready to go see mia
making adam walk to her house as its between mine and his house
he used to walk by it for high school so i know he's capable
looking forward to it~
Evening~
Look who was up til 1am again!
man its getting tiresome in more ways than one!
sick to death of not being able to sleep even tho im shattered
before bed I went on pokemon SoulSilver to see what I had on it
and thought about restarting it but havent found the time or effort
then at 10pm I went downstairs to find my parents watching
8 out of 10 does countdown
not seen it agessss! it was good actually i laughed loads
which doesnt help with the whole winding down for bed thing XD
good tho
we've got the last episode of Picnic at Hanging Rock to watch too~
I woke up at 7:45am
i could not be arsed to get out of bed
which isnt like me but its those Calms tablets ive been taking past few days
they dont sedate me but just make me groggy when i wake up
didnt get out of bed til 8am
whereas normally when i wake im up
i couldnt be arsed with the day even
but i found the motivation somewhere and went for a run
showered, shoved breakfast down me, no brew or dried my hair
and went out with mum
we just went round a few shops
we didnt get anything really
i got 2 pairs of pants reduced to £1 each, bargain!
a pair of jeggings reduced to £2
and sunglasses reduced from £15 to £2
ive got 1 pair of glasses and i worry about them breaking and not having a back up
we went for a hot chocolate and cake then a walk
i was quite tired from running then a walk but i got on with it
had lunch when i came home and almost fell asleep on the sofa
i was tired, headache, sicky
just felt off
not only that ive been a bit weaker mentally today
just not handled being around people in general really
think i hear or see things
its quite tiresome!
I wasnt in the mood to do my last two kimonos
so i made a hair bow
using the cardcaptor sakura ribbon i got this week
its a pinwheel bow never made one before but i didnt want a bog standard bow
precious ribbon this!
I then went to do one of the two hoodies i got from manchester
chose to do the pink one as the patches i ordered for it came today
so thought might as well
so i stitched 2 patches on, a couple of buttons and a pair of cat ears :3
so its no longer plain it looks cute actually
i will photograph it tomorrow
that was my day
so ive done 2 exercises and done 2 crafts things :)
Mia txted me to say games night is on this sunday!
so thats a trip into my loft to get the playstation one out XD
thats our night basically playstation one + pizza
me mia adam rob
from 4pm this sunday~
should be good and something to look forward to
tomorrow I've got parkrun
double digits tomorrow it will be my 10th!
not gonna go mental just gonna get round XD
just hope i dont have another moment like i did last week
