Doggy Key Chain

Evening

Didnt sleep too badly
woke up at midnight for a massive wee then fell asleep after half hour or so
then woke up at 6am and been awake since as my god did I need to get up 6am
felt crippled, so I sat down stairs with my kindle and cereal

Took me ages to get going this morning
I was so stiff and tired for some reason
and it was hard to find the motivation to get going
but at 9:30am I grabbed my ipod and went for over an hours walk!
i was so slow at first but got going after half hour
it was chilly this morning and i hoped the walk would get me awake and motivated
id gone out the house without brushing my hair
cus sod it the hat and scarf cover it any how
i came home and put pigs out and went for a shower

when i came out i looked for jobs but couldnt find much
there was one for a cafe you had to take a CV physically into like the good old days
then another school one online
so i sat and did the online form took ages as they usually do
i had my hot chocolate for lunch and sat watching an episode of anime

then at 2pm me and mum went food shopping
i dropped my CV in too
got home had a drink and went to psychology
which i feel was a waste of time
he doesnt think i need medicating as he thinks i just need to accept myself more and stop being so hard on myself. also he looked at my notes from over the year from when i was on anti-depressants and to be honest things werent that much better when i was on them! and he was kinda hinting that it would be better to stay away from medication if i can

i came back and had dinner
which only gave me stomach acid i didnt get too much pain thank god
i did some drawing after dinner
drawing a christmas card for my hair dresser as i usually do her a card and realised i forgot to do her one and im seeing her on saturday!
mia rang me up to announce that helina is pregnant so we talked about that
i dont see helina anymore but still

i made this for rob to give to his secret santa
he'd requested id make it and gave a fiver for doing it

think it looks ok


tomorrow i have got work at a school 10mins away just for the morning
yay morning only work!! 
its in year 3 so a decent age
but last time i was in that class i got lumbered with the special needs kids and i told agency this but they seem to think its down for being just classroom assistant not one to one
but theyve been wrong 100 times before so im not holding my breath
im there thursday also

i should be seeing tara in the evening tomorrow
but we will see
not seen her since september would you believe

Small world. 2 encounters and 3 kids

Evening

I went to bed at 8:45pm
didnt fall asleep til gone 10pm
then woke up at 3:45am needing a huge wee
and i can safely say ive been awake since!
what a friggin long day!
i got up in the early hours i didnt do yoga but i had some cereal
no pain killers i was just grateful to be up out the bed cus i was in pain
i got up for work at 7am

so work was alright
i felt a bit panicky at one point in the morning but managed to talk
myself round and went a read a christmas story to 5 children
it started as just 2 but 3 more heard me reading and came to join :)
i came home for lunch
id had a text from mia whos drive way i parked on today, saying she'd had a mcdonalds yesterday
i had a hot chocolate for lunch as i didnt want to chance stomach ache from eating food
i went back to school and i saw someone and when i heard her voice i was like
"im sure i know that woman"
and she waited at the school gates with her children to be let in i was waiting also
we looked at each other and at that point the penny dropped
we were in the same form at secondary school!
i spoke to her briefly 
shes got 3 kids..0.0 i could not imagine having 3 children
i saw the 3 she had and her eldest was 8 she said, she said "i had her when i was 18"
wow i was sick in bed at 18
how different lives are
she lives only round the corner so hasnt moved far from her family home XD
she said then another lady from our form works actually at the school and to look out for her
small world or what!!!!
but as i left her i wasnt envious of the fact she had a partner, a flat, 3 children
the only thing i was "envious" about was the fact that she was healthy 
we've added each other on facebook now
my afternoon at school went ok
bumped into the other lady who was in my form! she looked so different

i left school and checked my phone to see if mia had text to say
"come in for a brew" or something but no nothing
so i went home leaving her drive way but could tell she was home
i got home to see a text messaging saying "you dont need an invite you should have come in for a brew"
i thought "shes had all day to txt me!"
but to be honest i was glad as i was cold and her house is cold so i would have spent more time being just plain cold plus id had enough mentally of the day what with working a full day and being up at 3:45am
so i sat at home had a brew with mum then went on just dance 3 for 20 mins 
then i sat with Ozwald for 10 mins and went on my laptop 

i had dinner
which absolutely crippled me thats the worse stomach pain ive had in a long while
i was on the living room floor for an hour just in pain and the pain made me feel sick after a while as well,  food is not worth the stress as of late!
i wanted to go a walk but ive only just got off the floor and its almost 8pm
and its cold out ah ill see

tomorrow ive got psychology at 4pm
still cant get in with the psychiatrist it is truly a joke 
ill go and off myself and then see what they say
not sure what else i will do tomorrow, probably look for jobs

my brother took maisie to the vets today
shes got to have anti-biotics for a while longer but shes making a good recovery :D

here is mias birthday card i made for her this year

Done my Wrapping!!

Evening

Didn't sleep well
it was gone 10pm when I slept to be woken up at midnight to the sound of my brother's car thumping his music whilst pulling up home -_____- wasnt impressed
but somehow fell back to sleep
to be woken at 1am as I was having a nightmare
being raped by a shadow...
this is the 3rd night in a row now that ive had to wake up cus a dream is taking a turn for the worst dont know why im having nightmares
at 2:30am i got fed up of aching in my bed so got up had some cereal, painkillers, and did 30 mins of yoga downstairs then came to bed around 3:30 but took a while to get off to sleep
woke up at 7:40am
tired

i had an easy morning of drawing and pets really
by 11am i had showered and was off out into a town by myself naturally
i walked round a few shops all i got was a tissue box for tara's eevee tissue box cover for her christmas present so i could wrap it, then a new car smelly for my car
i dropped my bag off at the car and went for a walk
came home 100mins later XD

i warmed my lunch up which was left over lamb stew 
i had a pear and a hot chocolate and thats been the biggest lunch ive had all week!
i was full up
i got stomach ache of course i did
when it subsided i went on just dance for a while and i got 5 stars on 2 dances! ive only ever done it on 1 song before but today i got 2 more done i was surprised and i wasnt actually trying my hardest as i was done in from walking round for 100mins
after just dance i grabbed my wrapping paper, scissors and sellotape and presents and got to work

yeah its maybe a bit early to wrap but i was kinda in the mood to just get it done and didnt know what else to do with my day really
so i got everyone's wrapped! good feeling knowing its all sorted took a few hours anyway
here's part of mia's birthday present which is on boxing day so i wrapped that too

shes always wanted sakura from cardcaptors as a figure, wasnt cheap but hope it brings her happiness anyway

i did some yoga as i was aching then i laid in the sofa whilst dinner was cooking shutting my eyes
im so damn tired i really am
wish i could sleep
and wish my pain would just calm down 
dinner i didnt eat much and still got stomach ache
mum says i aught to get looked at but ive been here before with my stomach
and no one can do anything so theres no point really in even wasting my time sitting in a doctors waiting room for hours on end 

im anxious about tomorrow
my first full day at work since i quit my job
im hoping i will cope
im going to bed early in the hope i will grab some sleep 
its at the same school and class as friday

i text karen to see if she had been well enough to put her decorations up this weekend
she told me and mum on wednesday when we bumped into her at a garden centre that she was putting them up this weekend before her next chemo session
but she replied saying her 22 year old daughter with anorexia was admitted to hospital on friday so they didnt put them up. her daughter is now in the 5 stone boundary can you believe 0.0
mental health is scary

Hand Painted Penguin Pot

Evening

I haven't been myself
I don't think I've done much lately apart from cry if im honest
my eyes actually sting from crying so much over the last few days
im so tired and in a lot of pain
god i sound right misery guts right now but yeah im just not right...

So since I last did my diary I can't say ive achieved much as I have
simply been trying to recover my body from running it into the ground
but I have tried where I can
I signed back on with the agency and been applying to jobs left right and centre
not that i know what i want to do ive just been looking for part time jobs really
as clearly full time is out the question

we had Maisie poorly
she was struggling to breathe properly which is what lily died of
so of course we were down the vets spending £70 on her to get her better
but do you know what, usually any animal treatment i am on it
im like mini vet at home
but i didnt get involved with maisie, yes i gave her the medicine daily but i wasnt checking her, i wasnt doing the feeding i left that to my brother and mum, i didnt feel anything towards her
id completely closed off from her as if i simply couldnt handle anything else
mum said it was so not like me and i wasnt doing it on purpose
on friday we had had maisie a year! and fingers crossed she is looking better!
my brother was a bit upset by it all as he loves maisie to pieces

what else
on friday i had work for the afternoon at a local primary school thats opposite mia's house and was my old nursery actually
god it was so very different to the nursery i had just left
the kids werent feral 
so different
the agency told me to get there for 11:45am got to the school and the receptionist said "youre nice and early you dont start til 12:30"
so i wasted my time by sitting like a melon in a staffroom by myself
just wait to the agency hears from me
i felt a little panicky time to time but talked myself out of it
im there in the same class all day monday
which im apprehensive about to be honest
but i want to try
right now agency work sucks but its the only work i have, the only income i have and keeps me in the social world. I want to keep going with it til i can

after school i popped into mias as she has fridays off
i stayed til 6pm i talked to her about this and that
and she said she wasnt surprised i had to give the job up and could see i wasnt right

i havent been eating properly
despite putting yet another pound on
thats a pound a week for the last 4 weeks
so thats sent anorexia thoughts into over drive
i dont want to eat cus of my head
but not only that i keep getting really bad stomach ache when i eat
so ive had a liquid diet where i can
as its not as painful mentally and physically 

the pets are in the shed now so its a bit of a chore to go up and get them but last year we put them in the shed in november so at least we've had a month less of walking up to that shed this year

I rang up the psychiatrist on monday for an appointment the secretary said he was in a meeting and would ring me back
friday came no phone call still
so i chased it up
turns out the secretary forgot to write my name down to say i called....
so she said she'd get him to call
never got the phone call
so thats another week im waiting now
disgusting isnt it
good job im not topping myself
although i have had multiple thoughts about blades to the skin or over dosing
but im still here

i havent been running at all this week
i did dance one day this week and i enjoyed it but it wasnt for long at all as i was too worn out but i wanted to try

im just so tired and in pain, not sleeping cus of thoughts and pain
its like being back in the old days
i just want to be healthy so i can keep up with life
at the moment life is over whelming and not enjoyable 

not sure what im actually doing tomorrow
weather has been horrid lately
windy and rainy it makes you not want to go out thats for sure
but i will find something to do

here is that pot i painted a couple of weeks ago
i kept forgetting to upload a photo

I Quit

I resigned my job today

i feel fabulous about myself right now

Illnesses 1000points - Jo 0points

Bulbasaur Pot

Evening~~

I didn't sleep well
mum woke me by screaming in her sleep again -____- she only did that the other night!
that was at midnight and i got up for a wee
then I woke up at 5am and have been awake since
so Im tired
and did not want to go to school

School was hard work as per usual
its such a demanding job and I hate it
just doing everything there
its so political as well so much paper work and stuff to learn
agency work was so much easier i have to say
and it is tempting to return to agency work
but im trying to last til christmas
its just effecting my health

I asked if i could make a phone call at 9:15am to make an appointment
with the psychiatrist and when they answered im sure the woman told me
i could be looking at March time!! i thought 'is she for real!?'
ether way i couldnt get through to the psychiatrist and i asked if he could ring me
but he never did

lunch i sat in the staff room then did some yoga
it was indoor sodding play so the kids were hyper
i had the job of doing a bit of exercise with the whole class then reading them a story
went fine and i finished as the teacher returned 
but kids were ready for a run around
i was late doing my groups as my watch seems to be going slow
but group work seemed to go fine
i was rushing round at the end of the day
and then someone said "you staying for the asthma meeting?"
i said "didnt realise there was one"
so i had to stay then for this meeting about a child  i dont know and about his asthma it went on for an hour and i dont know now how to work an inhaler! 
so id hate for him to have an attack on me
but i went to grab my phone cus i thought in case the psychiatrist rings me but id missed a call and it was from the psychologist he's back at work now
so as soon as i was done with the meeting  i ran him up and im seeing him tuesday
even tho i was 45mins late finishing i wasnt too peeved as i have to stay an hour this week anyway to earn the inset day off so im taking it off that time
not getting anymore time from me thats for sure
luckily i did well with traffic coming home

i got home and had a brew before dinner and got my school stuff done
so i dont need to think about school again til tomorrow
still wont stop me waking up early and thinking about it no doubt
dont know how much longer i can do this for
hate it
dont know whats worse, hardly working or working at this school
ive got a telephone appointment tomorrow for the weekend job but its during school hours so ive had to email them to change that

might go for a walk tonight feel i need to get out and do something for me
tomorrow is another crappy school day
hopefully we will do P.E. this week tho as we didnt do it last week
im leaving school early too as I have a chiropractor appointment
so im leaving school 15-20mins early
thank god

ive counted how many school days i have before i finish for xmas its
13!!! just 13 more days to go!

here is a pot i ordered for mia for birthday/christmas
but because i forgot i ordered it i'll probably give her next year as ive brought her plenty already! Its a plant pot and you put a cactus in it to look like the 'bulb'
i need something to treat myself with i think
i have nothing to spend money on tho
feels pointless earning it in such a crap way

2nd December and 2nd Advent Calendar

Evening~~

I went for a half hour run last night which I enjoyed more
than the run at running club on Wednesday
I came in showered and sat with Oz
I also took a sleeping tablet and was in bed for 9:30pm
which is the latest I've stayed up all week!

I woke up at 6:20am
wow go me im still waking up at 6am!
But at least I had slept through I suppose
just spending the rest of the day with a really gross taste in my mouth from sleeping tablets, doesnt tend to wear off til like 5pm

So in the morning I went to Mia's at 9:30am
she was keen to show me her christmas tree which was nice
and when I turned up Rob was putting up the decorations outside
It was good to see her, we had an hour together anyway
even tho I was only over and hour my clothes still manage to smell like her house XD
even at her parent's house she had a strong house smell not a bad one just strong
and its followed her to her new home XD strange isnt it house smells
i came back home and went  on Just Dance 3 for a bit

it was then lunch time and I did myself a salad
then I went out to a town
I parked up and walked the long way taking me through a park
then to the shops
mum had said she was gonna buy herself an advent calendar just to annoy dad
but i noticed when they came in from food shopping she hadn't followed through with it
so i went to the shops and found a Kinder Chocolate one reduced to £3!!!
i LOVE kinder chocolate so I brought it and decided mum could have my Cadbury's one
so here is my new one! I dont think mum has ever had an advent calendar you know

I also picked up a few various pieces for putting up at christmas

its my job to decorate so i want it to look good and stuff
so yeah i brought a few pieces which came to £10 so good value
I walked through a few other shops and then walked to my car and came home

I went on my laptop for a short while
then as I had the house to myself for the first time in a long time
i practised my dancing downstairs
so I did the 'Eevee March' and Mana Ashida's Gyu Gyu Gyu 
2 short dances Id like to get done~
i enjoyed it tho but I was running short on energy as i havent been grabbing out to sugar today no matter how much I may have wanted to I didnt
I feel like ive got withdrawal XD
then I had a brew with mum

I sat upstairs doing my Japanese, practised Kanji and started to learn how to tell the time too
I helped out with dinner
now im just here doing my diary so i can get in the shower, sit with Oz, do my nails and go to bed to wake up at 3am and worry about a job I dont want to do!

tomorrow is sodding school
i cant tell you how much i dont want to go
and i havent been there a month yet! also but not yet
gonna start my day with a big bowl of cereal thats for bloody sure