Evening
Well guess who was up til 2am
yup
I just cant seem to sleep
just become like wired in the late pm hours
i have to get up as im aching in bed from laying there that bloody long
went to bed at 9pm last night as i was so damn tired
i stayed in bed til 12:30 then went back to bed 1:45am
after doing some stretches, dancing, reading
im so damn tired
my eyes and eye lids sting
i was up at 6:50am
so every morning for god knows how long ive only had 5-6 hours sleep
plus the amount of exercise and stuff im filling my day with
its exhausting!
When I saw mum this morning she said "oh you look white. You lips even look blue"
how is that possible? how can i look so corpse like in the morning?
I got ready to see karen
for a massage ive been needing
she says she can feel ive got muscles these days XD
we talked about bits and she asked me questions about my mental health condition that dissosiative identity disorder. i didnt mind tho
at the end of the massage karen said "you have more colour now, you dont look quite so vampiress now" XD thanks, I must have looked rough this morning im guessing!
i left there and was home for 10:30am for a needed shower
from there i didnt do much
i honestly felt like death
but i pushed myself to do 2 more kimono squares
i went wrong a few times but i got there
did a fair bit of cross stitch today
went to walk to the shop with mum
tidied up a bit
it has been unbelievably hard to NOT exercise today
like stupidly hard
its all i can think about that i havent done something
im used to doing AT LEAST 30 mins everyday
and to take a day off it torture
but i was determined to do it as ive had a massage and been exercising so hard my body aches a lot so i know i need the rest its just very hard having the rest
crazy really but it feels like something i need to do is exercise
i have been disciplined today tho and not exercised
im back on it tomorrow tho
in a way it picked a good day for my day off as im so shattered honestly
body feels like a heavy weight including my eyes
theyve been sore all day, theyre sore from me rubbing them awake so much
i feel ive done nothing today
but its been necessary
tomorrow i will be back on my game
tomorrow im ether going into a town in the morning or i may go city centre
ether way im by myself
then at 3pm i have psychiatrist
then 6:30pm i see mia
id like to do a run in the morning also~
a doodle ive done as part of adams present
Konbanwa~
I didnt sleep well
I went to bed at 9pm shattered but could I sleep?
at 11pm I went downstairs for pain killers and sleep tablets
at midnight I got up went downstairs for cereal, a bit of dancing and yoga
fell asleep around 1am
Luckily taking the sleeping tablet meant i wasnt awake at 7am
as usual and living off 5-6 hours sleep
nope I woke up at 9:15am! the latest i've woken in days
I still got up and went for a run tho
it was cold and drizzly but I got it done, quite quickly too
i showered and didnt bother with breakfast at it was 11:30am
so i waited for lunch and had an amazing lunch X3
I sat and did some sewing then I thought I'd show the 16 I have done!
just 8 more to go~~
they're looking good :)
Adam had texted me "what time you coming up"
hmm convenient at 1:30pm
how the sundays have been going for the past however weeks is
adam wakes about 11:30am from doing two 12 hour shifts
he walks to the shops for lunch
he eats lunch
then he texts me saying he's ready for me
i go up to his house
i sit there talking to his parents whilst adam zones off on his phone
i paint his mum's nails
i sit round. i sit round some more
i go home
its dull, its boring and im sick of the boring routine our relationship is
to be honest not a lot grabs me about my relationship currently
so i text him back saying "not sure if i am coming up today"
he says "oh how come?"
i say "cus i dont think im in the mood for the monotonous Sunday"
he said "oh ok then"
and left it at that
i never not wanted to see him, if he wanted to walk to my house i wouldnt have stopped him but he stayed home doing not a lot with himself
i didnt feel bad cus i was fed up with it all and thought id maybe get annoyed with him
I went on my laptop and did a bit more work on adam's birthday present
not that i felt i wanted to do it but gotta be done
I got up and went for a 50 min walk
after doing 25min run and sewing i still had energy for that walk
trying to tire myself so i sleep tonight
so looking forward to my bed!
i got really sweaty walking it was so humid from the rain
i came in and had a brew and let the girls stretch in the hall
then my parents came back an hour later
i helped out a bit with stuff with mum
then went for a shower as i was cold
adam asked if i wanted to go bowling maybe next week
and i feel bitter towards it as even tho i know he's trying to suggest things i know its ME who has to drive and take us there and its grating on me
when he said months ago he was gonna learn to drive he hasnt even bothered applying for his license he just sits back in the passenger seat all the time happy and content to do nothing
and it is bothering me
i HATE it when people say they'll do something and dont actually do it
yeah like i said nothing in this relationship is doing anything for me lately
and its making me jaded and not wanting to see him cus im almost wondering what the point of any of it is.
i know i need to talk to him about it
just dont feel that happy about stuff
I could tell he'd missed me today not to mention he'd told me he's missed me
but a part of me feels 'yeah youve missed the routine of me being there' i dont feel he's missed ME hes just missed what he usually takes for granted to happen. I feel like a source of entertainment for him and even his parents. and i wasnt in the mood to play that game this week. I wanted to break the routine.
he never takes me anywhere cus he cant because he cant drive
he never comes up with anything to do
he doesnt have a social life
he doesnt do anything
he is doing a job that 16-18 year olds do
he stuck in time
and i hate that, i can never bare to watch time sit still
i fight
ive got to much fight in me
so much determination and motivation
he hasnt, hes happy and content to watch life flutter by
and if thats what he wants to do then fine
but im moving on if he wants to do that as i feel he's holding me back
and just irritating me
tomorrow i have got karen for a massage at 9am
so i am taking the day off from exercise
no running or anything
day off
it will be very difficult for me!
tuesday i have psychiatrist at 3pm
at 6:30pm im seeing mia finally
wednesday i might be seeing Ed!!!!
thursday might see adam or make him wait til sunday
friday going shops on the other end of town with mum
so i got stuff lined up this week~
Evening~~
Ah last night didnt go well...
I stayed up and picked adam up from work as his parents are away
and I said I would do that for them and for him
So at 10:10pm I went to go get him
I was only waiting 2mins when I pulled up and he showed up at 10:25pm
we were happy laughing and joking then he asked me how my psychology session went
I told him that i went fine and that I was close to being discharged but that I still had sessions in place as I was anxious about being discharged
adam said "good cus you need something in place for when it goes bad"
i was quite taken back by this and said "thanks" sarcastically
I had been positive about it all, and come back from my session positive and happy and mum was positive about it and then he just berates it like that
he said "i wasnt being mean but we've had it before when your voice has gone and then come back" I said "well it's been back a week"
he said "oh right" yeah bub you werent expecting that, seeing as you never asked
I said "yes which is why ive been asking you 'how do you think i've been mentally?'"
he said "i wasnt being negative"
i said "you best bloody not be"
i was so hurt and mad that my hands were shaking on the steering wheel
I couldn't believe the lack of faith he had and it made me feel like he must see me as being a weak person. and pulled it apart like that
I went quiet as i was hurt
he casually asked about Oz and the girls I just answered automatically and just focused on the short journey home at that point
dropped him off and pulled off before he even got his house keys out
i felt like crap
i got home to find a text message on my phone
'thanks for the lift and i wasnt being negative'
no well it sure bloody seemed like that
i said "if im honest you peed me off"
he said "im sorry, i wish i hadnt said all that"
i said "im hurt. i was so hurt and mad my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. I stayed up for you and picked you up just to get screwed over. it stinks"
he couldnt apologise enough i think he soon realised just how crap he made me feel
i had a lot of text messages then up til 1am about how much he's screwed up and how much he loves me. I told to get some sleep which is what i wanted to do
i didnt tell anyone til I told mum this morning
when i woke up I sent him a messaged saying I wasn't mad or hated him and i didnt want him thinking about it all day
turns out he'd been awake a lot in the night, he'd been crying, he was sorry
in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big a deal
we shouldnt have discussed my mental health at 10:30 at night
normally and snarky comments go over my head but comments about my mental health are a sore spot and im fragile about it
i went for my park run
unsure why i did really
i felt a bit unwell
i hadnt slept, my hands were shaking and my legs felt like jelly and i hadnt even got dressed yet
not a good start, i almost didnt go
but i told myself to go, not go for a new record and to just take my time getting round.
we arrived at park run, I didn't see Guy from last week which didnt surprise me
i didn't feel great and said to mum i wouldnt push it
I took my time getting round, my god it was a slog i had to really talk my self through it and felt like walking or even giving up!
I did it and felt I had managed under 30 mins
as I caught my breath i had a bit of moment....
i thought everyone was looking at me, coming near me, walking near me, coming in my space
i hated it and started to feel panicky like there wasnt enough space
i went into a corner and held myself
i would have gone to the car but my mum wouldnt have known where i was so i waited
and waited
i wanted to cry i felt so unhappy in the world i wanted to dissolve into nothing
mum crossed the line, saw me, saw i wasnt right and took me straight to the car she didnt wait for her friends like she usually does. She saw my arms and hands shaking and said i looked grey
how i looked grey after id been panting and sweating i have no idea
i got home and i was cold
i wrapped up in a thick dressing down whilst drinking tea
my stomach felt like it had flipped upside down
i was shaking
just wasnt right
i couldnt be bothered to shower but i did
mum cleaned the pets out for me, usually i do it before we park run but i didnt have the energy this morning.
i checked my time and I had achieved a new PB of 27:32 so I believe I have taken 14 seconds off last week's time. I was shocked i truly was as I didnt push myself or peg it over the finish line how i usually do. Last week I pushed myself because I felt good.
maybe i'm finding it easier? am i getting fitter?
wish my dancing improved this fast!! ><
i popped to a shop for bread with mum
came back and had lunch then went to bed for 2 hours
i had a text from adam 'a delivery for you is coming at 5pm'
great
what i needed, him feeling guilty and paying out again
i told him it wasnt necessary but he said he felt he needed to
i didn't do much all afternoon from waking up at 3pm
just felt drained
i sat talking about my relationship with adam to mum for over an hour
just stuff im not happy with and what i need to address
but last night has made no odds as to how i feel this has been building for some time
5pm came and the delivery did in fact turn up
dad answered the door with me behind him (he got there first)
a man stood with a big ass flower arrangement....oh dear....
it was so unnecessary
so i had all these flowers to sort but mum said she wanted to them as i usually do hers
they must have cost a pretty penny honestly
they are nice but im finding it hard to look at them
im undeserving of them
he didnt need to do it
but here we are
a lot of flowers huh
and he'd written a little card that came with it saying how much he loves me
it wasnt that big a deal!! i wasnt mad today or holding a grudge!!
he needn't have bothered
im suppose to be seeing him tomorrow as i do every sunday
but im not feeling it
not sure i want to
i know i cant avoid him forever but i just cant face it right now
nothing like this has happened before and im unsure how to handle this situation
its so new to me. such a learning curve
i want to make things better but because i had so much swirling in mind about our relationship anyway its made if feel all the more difficult to face him
i did text mia see what she was doing tomorrow
could go out with my parents
i dont know
i feel messed up right now
my head has too much going off
my body feels tired and shaky
i didnt do any sewing or drawing today
had a day off from life
What did annoy me today tho was when the door was answered to the flowers
dad asked "what are these for?"
i said "ah adam was a bit of a jerk last night but this is over board"
he said "maybe you need someone being a jerk to you sometimes"
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN!?
i said "thanks dad i'll remember that when im feeling crap"
so not sure what i will do tomorrow
Evening~
Well I didnt sleep til 2am
just couldnt sleep and was achy so i dosed myself up well over dosed really
and made myself feel quite sick!
I woke up at 7:45am by 8:05am I was running up a big hill
i kid you not, Id only been awake 20 mins and i went for my morning run
talk about shock to the system but i got it done cus im just that motivated!
I got back for 8:30 so I made good time, showered, breakfast and then
straight out to psychology
psychology was at 9:30am
I wasnt looking forward to going
i was a bit anxious about this 'review' session we were gonna have
as i didnt feel ready to be discharged
and i told him my concerns about this and he said that we would have appointments
still but theyd be far apart and i can always return if i need to
so i felt reassured about that
i told him about my decision to live with 'my other half'' shall we say
the whole thing of taking anti-psychotics which made me by myself in my head
scared me and panicked me
when ive had a voice and a presence in my mind for over a decade to suddenly have it
gone wasnt nice and wasnt how i expected it to be
at the start of my psychology sessions i decided i wanted my other half gone, dead.
But ive changed my mind, ive seen the bigger picture and that this is a part of who i am.
I have accepted that i will have this other 'being' with me
and now i want to learn to live with it basically
i do not want to be at war with one another
i want to co-exist
so thats what i told the psychologist this morning
thats where im going with it
he was impressed with this acceptance and said its a massive step
there will be bumps in the road but i will continue to improve
since my 'acceptance' things have been more bearable in my head
almost like that aggression has gone as im not longer trying to get rid of her
i came home and mum made me a brew
she said i looked the happiest i think ive ever been after psychology
i told her it was because i dont have to go back til end of september XD
that was my 9th session
i did see a sign on his office wall about a group that meets up every 3rd wednesday of the month to talk about hearing voices and my condition Dissociative Identity Disorder was listed
i plan to ring up and get information about it, looked for it on google maps and it doesnt look like it exists which i found weird but we can see
I did some sewing and I got 2 more kimonos done
so thats 14 done 10 to go~
me and mum went to shops i just got a pair of tights nothing exciting
we did for mum to try and find her a swim suit but no luck
so we're gonna try next friday~
i came home and went on my laptop for a bit
but i soon get bored of laptop if im honest
i did upload my Yosakoi dancing! Its out there XD
so far ive had nice comments
still a little unsure whether to show my family and friends on facebook tho 0.0
daunting task that is!
even nervous about showing mum!
silly really as its only a dance, and whilst i know im not brilliant i know im not terrible XD
i sat and did over an hour of cross stitching
in the quiet tuning off from it all
my head was a mess and i was tempted to sleep but knew if i did that then i really wouldnt sleep tonight so i was disciplined and sat quietly
i was pleased with my effort
its hard for me to sit still for so long!
tonight i've got adam to pick up from work at 10:30pm
he says i dont have to but i will
he has to walk through a rough part of town otherwise and id only be worrying about him getting home without being stabbed or mugged not that he's helpless but hes not superman ether
so im gonna get it done
go to bed
then park run in the morning!
i highly highly doubt i will be beating last weeks awesome record of 27mins
i am NOT trying to beat it im simply turning up and enjoying it
well hope i enjoy it!
then probably sew or something rest of the day or do digital work that i havent touched today
Evening~~
I didnt sleep til 1am
just couldnt tune out
I woke up at 7am
groaning as I was tired and could not be arsed to start the day but
i got up any how
mum wasnt gonna go for a run and i really wasnt feeling it
so i had a slow morning and danced at around 9:15am
I didnt dance for too long as I just didnt have the energy but I made an attempt
showered and watched my brother empty the contents of his
room for his new bed
hes moving from a single to double moaning he hasnt got enough room
i sleep on half a single XD i have a single bed but half is taken up by toys
and i dont move them and they dont move ether
everyone wonders how i fit on my bed XD
I went and did some digital work as I need to do something
for adams birthday next month /:
i made a start but got bored as I havent been into digital work for a while
I will keep going with it when I can
then i cracked out the sewing
Ive got a total of 12 kimonos done
I laid out all the kimonos and the t-shirt to see where I was at with it all
i believe I need a total of 24 kimonos so I am half way
I only have to cut out another 4 kimonos so at least its not too much more cutting
but a fair bit of sewing yet to do
then ive got borders to do! so much work! but i enjoy it
I made pumpkin soup using hand grown veg from adams dad
so that was nice to have for lunch and mum appreciated coming in from work
and being able to have fresh lunch~
adam had rang me whilst making it but my phone was upstairs so i missed the call
he left me a text saying "gonna go home now" he means from work
and im guessing he was expecting me to cave and say "oh no you come over!"
but fat chance, he can go home and do nothing all day
which is exactly what he has done!
he does nothing
to be honest ive been thinking long and hard about my relationship with him
as im not sure its gonna work if it continues
he does nothing and his lack of motivation to live his life is holding me back
so i think words have got to be said
thinking of doing it sunday
this isnt me getting rid of him this is me stating that im basically not happy
with watching life pass me by whilst being with someone im finding quite dull lately
too comfortable with life and i sometimes wonder if he is autistic
so i stuck to my guns and didnt see him
deliberately breaking up his usual thursday routine
life is too much of a routine for him
I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon
i felt tired and achy from sewing and exercise
plus my head was going through a 1000 scenarios with adam
i needed out, i needed a break so i fell asleep and didnt want to wake up
but i got up and continued on
we had yoga with karen
luckily it wasnt hot today so we didnt sweat too badly but it was still warm
and humid in her room with no windows or doors open
we came back and just in time too as it threw it down so we got the girls and oz in
Oz has been out all day and i think its because its cool hes made the most of it
by sleeping in the shed on an old yoga mat would you believe
life of some bunnies
tomorrow i might get up and do a run
i will see
dont like running the day before park run
but i doubt it will be a good park run anyway as i have the job of picking
adam up from work at 10::30pm so im gonna be tired
i have psychology at 9:30am so if i do do a run i gotta dab in and get it done
i will upload my yosakoi video too at some point
still not shown mum it id like to know her opinion before i share it with my
friends on facebook
probably just sew and maybe go out with mum maybe tomorrow
id love to learn Onepixcel's "Sparkle" and "Be With You"
both dances and song im really into
Evening~
Well last night going to tara's was a royal disaster
I went and got 5mins from her house to find the main road closed
i had no satnav and no one with me
i was forced to take A roads
i had no idea where i was, where i was going
and i just want to come home
i was scared
i am not a confident driver. i dont drive far and im scared of getting lost
honestly being lost scares the crap out of me
its happened too many times and each time i about have a panic attack
behind the wheel which isnt safe
somehow i always manage to find myself back
if im honest i do have a great sense of direction whether on foot or by car
i can just do it and find my way back
if i panic then it goes to pot
i found my way home through my tears and shaking arms and hands
i pulled up and got out the car and i couldnt speak i was so shaken
mum hugged me and was shocked at how badly i was shaking
panic attacks do that
stupid really
very stupid
but we all have things we dont cope with
technically i knew i would never actually be lost as i had my phone on me and i know that has google maps but if im honest ive never used it. usually i have satnav or someone with me who uses google maps for me.so last night my brother showed me the app for next time im lost
i texted tara she apologised for not letting me know the main road was closed and we'd meet at the pub another time. I just dont know that end of town
all night i was sunk inside myself. drained. i couldnt be doing with anything or anyone
i went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 7am
me and mum went for run and we both said after how tight our chests were
so i think the air must have been dusty it was very windy today
but i managed it and had a shower and breakfast afterwards
i went shops with mum
we went all over really
i got a few bits to make some crafty presents with
then i came home and had lunch
cut some fabric out and i got it all cut out actually
just blasted on through it and got it done
adam texted me last night he said he felt bad about the day how he practically sent me home and was no fun. i told him he was fine. but he says i was off with him giving 1 word answers but i just wasnt in the mood to text and talk.
today he said i could come over if i wanted to
he'd been doctors and for a hair cut he didnt bother going gym this week
so he''d done nothing all day
i went over around 2:30pm
we did nothing
not a thing
i know i wasnt perfect with how i was mentally as ive been in a bubble since last night
but he really wasnt talkative or anything
so at 4pm i got up and i left so thats twice ive come home early from him
he texted saying he was sorry i told him he had nothing to apologise for and if hes tired he should have told me and not seen me. i told him not to see me tomorrow after work id see him on sunday as i want him to have a break. he says he has a break friday and saturday well he works 9am - 11pm friday and saturday i dont call that a break. he works til 12pm on thursdays so he can have the rest of the day to himself and depending on how we both feel depends on if i see him sunday.
i went through my newly cut fabric and arranged which colours go where
so theyre ready to be sewn now, then that will take me up to 20
i brought the backing blanket today which is white with multi coloured polka dots on
not that you'll see it as it will be the back of the wall hanging
tomorrow i will go for a run as i think mum is wanting to run im not sure
then do some sewing and we have karen with her mental yoga session in the evening
my nails this week~
Evening/Afternoon
it's ony 5pm but because Im unsure of what Im doing
tonight I thought I'd get my diary done now~
I could not sleep!
so hot
too hot
and too wired
i was up til 1am
woke up at 7:45am
but I said to my self I wasnt gonna run today
I had my breakfast and I got my kimono on and did a bit of hair and make up
and I walked to a local park that is ALWAYS deserted
I noticed the gate to the actual park had a lock on it? didnt understand that
so I climbed over as the gate only comes to my waist
I set up my camera and had a few attempts at recording my yosakoi dancing
took a few attempts before I was happy with my dancing
took me a while to calm down i was quite nervous, stupid really
but eventually i stopped caring and paid no attention to those walking round the park
and got the job done
i was dripping afterwards!
i came home and got changed into my work out wear
and did a little bit of dancing but my body was shaking so i called it quits
and went for a shower
i sat and did some sewing and got the first 10 finished!
they look really good :D
i then looked at my Yosakoi video, and I felt ok about it.
My problem is that everyone i know wants to see my yosakoi dancing as no one has a clue what it really is so id like to show everyone but theres no point in uploading something i will live to regret but i think i could possibly show my friends this. Im yet to show mum she said she would like to see it and i want her opinion before i share it to my friends
most friends have no idea i do youtube dances, some know but dont know my channel
i live a secret life!
so most havent seen me dance
not that im any good at it!
the dance i have recorded today will be on my youtube channel on friday~
i had leftover noodles for lunch which were good
then i quickly left to go collect adam from work
i didnt have to but i chose to
its hot and i felt sorry for him XD
i too him home and said i didnt have to come in
he hesitated and said that i should come in for a brew
i did and a couple of times he said "you can go home at any time"
he never says that to me
so hint taken i got off the floor and said id leave
he tried to grab me but i walked off and put my shoes on
his dad asked why i was leaving so quickly i said "cus adam is tired"
i just got the feeling he didnt want me there
so i went
no skin off my back as i wasnt doing anything and wanted to go home
and cut some fabric which is exactly what i did go and do
starting to cut the next 10 kimonos out
tonight im SUPPOSE to be seeing tara
but shes notorious for messing me around so i basically dont hold my breath now
so i may or may not end up going over to her house basically
id like to see her as i havent seen her in months
and shes engaged now too!
tomorrow i said to mum we might go out to the shops as i need a canvas to make adam something and i might look at other stuff. then maybe see adam who knows
but i know me and mum are going for a run in the morning, not that i run with her but shes still driving me down the road~
