Evening~~
Yesterday was games night!
Id been awake since 2am and woke up at 7:45am
safe to say I was tired
but I still motivated myself for a run
I came back and showered
did some sewing but realised I needed yet more fabric!
I did other jobs to pass the time
I didnt want to see adam til at mia's
4pm came and I was over at Mia's house
it was good to see her and rob
didnt get very long with them at all before adam arrived
and I know i should feel happy to see him but I didnt really
i just instantly felt my walls go up
i feel awful treating him so coldly but im so confused how i feel right now
and i think my way of coping is to not feel and to push it all away
anyway so games night
we played crash team racing which of course i was a total pro at
i just havent lost that skill i owned all their butts on that games ;D
we played frogger but me and mia soon introduced to the boys how we play frogger
we play 'romeo and juliet' basically one person is romeo one is juliet
romeo has to sit on juliet and the whole 'death do us part' happens
as hippos go under water, logs disappear so when you sit on a hippo and it goes
under the water you die together
we kept doing it to the boys as we've had years of practice and my stomach
hurt from laughing so much mia was laughing her head off too
we played Darius a space ship game ive never known anyone to have even heard of but Rob said he owned that game!! oh my god i was shocked!
played rayman, pandemonium, let mia and rob play star wars,
we ordered pizza
2 x 12" BBQ
1 x 12" vegetable
i didnt eat any vegetable due to it being spicy and i didnt want an off stomach, dont cope with spice but the BBQ was good i had a few slices
then we went back for more games
me and mia went to make a brew and when we came back we found the boys on truck racing, level of sadness there but we sat and talked whilst they did that.
then that was about it
lots of laughs
adam tried to sneak a few cuddles from me by grabbing me whilst on the carpet but i didnt want it i just want to be left alone
we left at 10:30pm
i took adam home
he said "its not nice having an unemotional girlfriend whos not affectionate"
i said "well you try giving out affection when you feel no emotions, it feels wrong and i dont like doing it"
he said "my mum asked if everything is ok between us"
i said "what did you say to her?"
he said "i told her everything is fine. because it isnt it?"
the way he looked at me made me feel sick cus i just wanted to say "no" but i couldnt cause that hurt right there and then and so i replied "yeah it is"
he just looked so helpless and worried
its hard for us both right now, im in a messed up place and he doesnt know whats going off with me.
i wish i had a normal mind
he asked if he'd see me monday or tuesday i wanted to say "nether"
what is wrong with me? why am i such a jerk
i just said "not sure what im doing this week"
im so cold and heartless hes done nothing to deserve this coldness from me but i cant help myself
i drove home, thought i saw someone but no one was there, thought i saw a horse it was a cyclist
my brain is telling me stuff that simply isnt there or really there
its quite distressing and becoming more frequent
im not sure how to control it ether
i got home to find a text from adam
"my mum asked again if everything is ok between us"
i said "what did you say?"
he said "yes we're fine, i think shes wondering why you havent been up for 2 weekends now"
I said "last weekend i couldnt face the monotonous routine and this week i wanted to get stuff done and then see you at mia's"
he said "yeah i understand"
i ended up staying up til midnight as i needed time to wind down from all that excitement and fun so it left me stewing away with thoughts.
thoughts of adam
thoughts of whats wrong with me
thoughts of food and how fat i am and how i ate pizza
*gasp* sinful pizza -____- bet no one else went to bed feeling guilty about the pizza
i woke up at 7:30am
i felt rough like id been drinking or something
mum saw me and said "wow you look like death"
literally did look like a corpse
god knows what that was about
it took a while to get motivated and i even laid down on my bed thinking i would go to sleep but i said to myself that i really wont sleep tonight if i do that
so i got up out my pajamas and put my work out clothes on and did 15mins of dancing but it was exhausting!
i went for a shower and went to the shops for fabric, picked my brother up a surprise of a pasty for breakfast which he was well happy about XD
came home and went into the roof to put the playstation away
helped my brother with a job
checked my emails
it was 11am by this point i was impressed with how much id pushed myself to do to say i felt like death when i got up
i did some sewing
and this is how far i am
ive decided tho that the black surrounding the tshirt motif needs a bit of attention at its too plain so i looked at japanese to see if i wanted to write a quote but i think it will be fiddly doing kanji in such a small space so ive opted for flowers to match that on the geisha's kimono
thats tomorrow's job as id had enough
but looking good
needed the black outline on all the kimonos
sat with Oz and had a brew
we tried him with new cereal and he went mad for it
very cute but embarrassing Oz, have some decorum XD
I went to sort my dinner out
mum decided she'd do hers at the same time
she ended up by accident knocking over my trinket pot that i used every single day to put my pills in and it fell to the floor and broke...
i wasnt happy
2 things in 2 days that have broke of mine
this too was Lisa Parker the hare design!! i can not believe that i seriously cant
its a kick in the teeth as i love both items and both are not replaceable
ive tried gluing it and i'll check in the morning if its fixed
they say it happens in 3s so whats next of mine to break?
whats number 3?
stop breaking my things!!!!
looked at dance schools
but all the websites are crap
like they assume you know what types of dance mean
no prices nothing
so ive got 3 i need to email
planning on running tonight
i really cant be arsed if im honest
but i havent ran in the evening time in ages ive been doing it in the morning as i got in the habit of getting up early before the hot sun and doing it but the weather has been very mild lately so i can run in the evening and it did help my head so im hoping it will help my mentalness and i will sleep tonight as im sick to death sitting up by myself til 1am doing nothing cus im so damn tired and just want to sleep.
give it ago
tomorrow not sure what im doing
i know i should see adam
but god knows
and god knows what we'd do even
wish my head was normal
Evening~~
Last night I watched the final to Picnic at Hanging Rock
such a weird ending
feel like I watched 6 hours worth of a program i didnt fully understand XD
good tho
then I watched another episode of 8 out of 10 does countdown
it was good and i laughed, caught up with that now
its been such a long time since ive watched tv with my parents
i had a stretch on the sofa and my knee came out of place
oh my god i could have been sick
such a vile disgusting feeling and pain
i spent a while trying to get it back in
i could feel it knocking trying to go back in whilst i walked on it
oh it was gross and i said i wouldnt be running in the morning if it was still out
ive never had so much trouble with my knee joints since i started running
im always trying to run on softer ground to help my knees
my joint crack and come out of place cus of my Hyper Mobility Syndrome
but certain things aggravates it
i fell asleep around midnight so not a bad night for me really
woke up at 6:45am as a stupid wasp came into my room and was just buzzing
on my window it did my head in so i got up after a few mins
stupid thing i released it but felt like killing the bugger
i got up and felt round with my knee and i think keeping it in one position all night had settled it down as it seemed to be back in
i went downstairs dad was up as usual
he was putting the pots away from the dishwasher when i heard a smash and i knew on gut instinct that it was one of MY mugs
and i was right!
i couldnt believe it was my Lisa Parker Hare mug T^T
ive had it years and its my sodding favourite!!!!!
it was totally lost to us tho as it smashed into hundreds of pieces i kid you not
it went everywhere...at 7am
think we've hoovered up 3 times since it happened as we kept finding these tiny ant sized white mug pieces very odd the way it smashed
i was gutted and have since looked for a replacement online
but its discontinued which i knew it would be
i moved on cleaned my pigs out, stretched and had break fast
and went to park run
i wasnt in the mood to run
i saw Guy before the run started so i spoke with him
as the race started i could feel loads of adrenaline it was unreal
i tried hard this week actually
it was my 10th run
after the race i was sure i was gonna see my breakfast
i saw guy after the race and spoke with him til he left
he has so many hobbies and has such a great level of fitness
i said id see him again no doubt at park run
i went to wait with 2 people from mum's walking club
i did feel ok actually i was fine
i noticed that someone from my high school geography class finished the run too
i didnt like her in school so i didnt bother speaking to her
but i was silently pleased that id finished before her XD
mum finished and we set off home
i looked up the park run results and i got a new PB just a few seconds quicker than last week so i did it in 27:19 so thats alright,
i looked at Guy he did 25mins and it was only his 2nd park run
i was 115th out of 310 people so not bad huh
the girl from my year he quickest time was 31 mins and shes done it 67 times!!!
i felt kinda good to say ive done it 10 times
not sure how much longer i will keep it up for tho
running hasnt grabbed me ive just done it
I showered and sat round on laptop til lunch
had lunch then did my final 2 kimonos!!!
24 are done!
i laid them out in the order id like for them to be sewed
but upon laying them out did i realise that they quite mingle into one...
i believe that the design needs to be changed
so i have decided that each and every kimono will be outlined in a 1" black border
ahhhhhh more work!
but if im not gonna be happy with the finished result then theres no point and i will put in the extra time to get it how i want it
i felt a bit fed up mentally
just wasnt right really
felt like giving up with it all and was swamped with thoughts
i couldnt cope or bare to have the whole day like this
so i slept
cant say i felt that much better afterwards
i got up and had a brew whilst reading manga
then i went into the roof to get my playstation one down for tomorrow~
i sat looking for stuff online
just having a browse and sorting some stuff out
ordered some japanese learning books to try help me as i want to improve
i sat and did some japanese
i need to work harder for it but my head has been so busy and tired its hard
having the focus i need for it
tomorrow
i might go for a run not sure yet guess i see how i feel
then i might start cutting the 100 strips i think i need for the quilt XD
then i will get ready to go see mia
making adam walk to her house as its between mine and his house
he used to walk by it for high school so i know he's capable
looking forward to it~
Evening~
Look who was up til 1am again!
man its getting tiresome in more ways than one!
sick to death of not being able to sleep even tho im shattered
before bed I went on pokemon SoulSilver to see what I had on it
and thought about restarting it but havent found the time or effort
then at 10pm I went downstairs to find my parents watching
8 out of 10 does countdown
not seen it agessss! it was good actually i laughed loads
which doesnt help with the whole winding down for bed thing XD
good tho
we've got the last episode of Picnic at Hanging Rock to watch too~
I woke up at 7:45am
i could not be arsed to get out of bed
which isnt like me but its those Calms tablets ive been taking past few days
they dont sedate me but just make me groggy when i wake up
didnt get out of bed til 8am
whereas normally when i wake im up
i couldnt be arsed with the day even
but i found the motivation somewhere and went for a run
showered, shoved breakfast down me, no brew or dried my hair
and went out with mum
we just went round a few shops
we didnt get anything really
i got 2 pairs of pants reduced to £1 each, bargain!
a pair of jeggings reduced to £2
and sunglasses reduced from £15 to £2
ive got 1 pair of glasses and i worry about them breaking and not having a back up
we went for a hot chocolate and cake then a walk
i was quite tired from running then a walk but i got on with it
had lunch when i came home and almost fell asleep on the sofa
i was tired, headache, sicky
just felt off
not only that ive been a bit weaker mentally today
just not handled being around people in general really
think i hear or see things
its quite tiresome!
I wasnt in the mood to do my last two kimonos
so i made a hair bow
using the cardcaptor sakura ribbon i got this week
its a pinwheel bow never made one before but i didnt want a bog standard bow
precious ribbon this!
I then went to do one of the two hoodies i got from manchester
chose to do the pink one as the patches i ordered for it came today
so thought might as well
so i stitched 2 patches on, a couple of buttons and a pair of cat ears :3
so its no longer plain it looks cute actually
i will photograph it tomorrow
that was my day
so ive done 2 exercises and done 2 crafts things :)
Mia txted me to say games night is on this sunday!
so thats a trip into my loft to get the playstation one out XD
thats our night basically playstation one + pizza
me mia adam rob
from 4pm this sunday~
should be good and something to look forward to
tomorrow I've got parkrun
double digits tomorrow it will be my 10th!
not gonna go mental just gonna get round XD
just hope i dont have another moment like i did last week
Evening
I just dont sleep -____-
i woke up at 7:45am
I decided seeing as it was raining that I'd dance
I did 25mins i was dripping from my forehead and lip
like it was humid or something as i have no idea why i was
sweating THAT badly
i felt my dancing sucked today but i think some bits are sinking in better
i expect more from my dancing
sometimes i feel like joining a dance school so i can improve
but im unsure where the qualification would get me really
other than me enjoying it of course XD
I did 2 more kimonos bringing the total to 22
so 2 more to go!!!
Adam came to see me...
i havent seen him since id had that tiff and i knew he could tell i was off
with him cus i was
i had so much going in my head
the more confused and unsure i am the more i retreat and so does my emotions
i felt pretty emotionless if im honest
eventually it came out why i was in the mood i was
i told him everything that bothers me with the relationship
i could tell it was hurting him and i did not for one second enjoy it
it had to be done tho
he's had it said to him now anyway
i felt better for getting it off my chest
what will come of it i have no idea
he was very quiet for a long time
i did say "if i feel someone is holding me back and things arent going anywhere im gonna leave" dont think he liked that as he hugged me at that point.
yeah you will freak out when i mention leaving
and surprise surprise we did nothing all afternoon
we just do nothing
and its so dull
i still feel feelings for him i know i do
but how long those feelings will keep going for i dont know
i havent walked away from him yet anyway
but im not sure what will happen
i know we're not looking at mortgages or children or marriage
theres no big step to work to we''re only at the stage of enjoying
one anothers company day to day
but if im not enjoying the day to day stuff then the harder stuff such as mortgages
just isnt gonna happen or be right
who knows
single life doesnt frighten me
sometimes id welcome it as this is a lot of hassle and confusion
we''ll see
i'll give it a lil longer
we went to his house mid afternoon
where i told his dad that his collection of stamps hes worked on for years is only worth the glue on the back of those stamps. he wasnt impressed XD funny tho adam was laughing hard
i left for yoga anyway
yoga was a lot of holding positions
we didnt have karen but i still feel ive worked muscles
unfortunately before i went to yoga my calf, the same calf, went into spasm
damn well hurts it has nothing on cramp
and it hurt to put weight on
i stretched and stretched to try and help it before yoga
but still hurt throughout the session and even now!
tomorrow
if i wake early enough i will go for a run
then i believe me and mum are going shopping to shops on the other end of the city
should be good :)
I thought id share photos from yesterday
ice skating and our bentos :D
Evening~~~
I had a brilliant time with Mia last night
didn't get home til 10:30pm
we laughed, and caught up, talked about my relationship, my mental health
at the end of the evening mia said
"i've beaten everyone at work doing the plank for the longest, we did it in the staff room and i won! i bet i could beat you easily"
i sighed know where this was headed at 10:15pm
so she got fired up over something so simple as doing the plank...
i wasn't arsed
im not competitive, my other half is tho she could only think about challenging mia
mia given the chance wanted to match her not me
so she even put music on...
jesus
so we started holding it
at 2:49 mia gave in, i was very very impressed she held for so long considering she doesnt do any form of exercise i gave in after she did. id had enough and could see no point in putting myself through that strain any longer.
she was annoyed and said she'd rematch me at some point
honestly
this morning i could feel that id held the plank for that long
i wasnt gonna go a run or anything as i had set the day to Ed
praying that he came anyway and didnt let me down!
i got ready ether way
he did eventually text me to say he was leaving at 10am
by 11:20am i heard this engine pulling up my drive way
oh my god his motorbike *0* amazing!!
i was very impressed indeed
i wanted a go so badly but knew i would not have the strength to hold such a monster up
he came in and we had a brew i introduced him to Oz
and he saw my girls
by 12 we were headed into the city centre
we stopped by ice skating first
god it was cold, my hands had lost all feeling - next time bring gloves!
we skated round i was like a brick when i first
but i soon loosened up
we skated for an hour it wasnt too busy even tho its summer break
we left there at 1:45pm to go get food
we walked by a Japanese restaurant and Ed suggested we have Japanese
i do really want to try japanese food, ive only had snippets
and no one else will eat it, Ed has loads and loads of asian food due to him being Chinese born British so im gonna get no better chance or better teacher
so thats what we did
i got to try a few things ive always wanted to try
jasmine tea which i loved
tofu which meh wasnt amazing
proper teriyaki chicken
japanese dumplings
miso soup
it was all really good and better than i had expected
i even gave sushi another go as every sushi ive had hasnt been nice but i actually liked this one so i was happy to know i could stomach japanese food if i ever get the opportunity to go japan
we walked round the city a bit
i picked up 2 pairs of new tights from charity shop along with a bunny jumper
then we came home really
we sat a brew with my Oz who was licking Ed's hands
honestly that rabbit will befriend anyone -____-
ive been doing my best messing around with Ed today
and ive kept that closeness we once shared, to a degree
of course some things arent appropriate anymore but we can still do some things
like i held his hands and linked arms and gave him a couple of hugs
he laid his head on my lap as played with his hair, we tickled one another
but i never saw it as anything dirty or 'wrong' cus i love Ed
i love him as much as any other friend and that love wont go further nor do i wish for it to be taken further we are simply good friends
so when he said "i feel like ive ruined your relationship"
i said "why?"
he said "cus of what ive done today ive been bad and im sorry"
it made me think 'is what ive done bad?'
i told him it isnt cus its not
if we were kissing or anything then sure but we werent
so i was fine with everything
i could tell given the chance he'd do more and he confessed that
he also told me that he didnt see me for a while as he didnt want to come between me and adam he also didnt know if he would be able to 'behave' himself whilst i was in a relationship
i knew he wouldnt be able to not touch me cus its not the relationship we have/had
we've been close and i dont want to totally lose that it would be mean and stuff
so i feel it was kept at a safe level for Ed and for my relationship
i have morals damn it, im no slut or anything XD
he eventually left at 7:30pm
i watched him kit his bike up and i got to sit on it and rev it
my god the power
id love a go i was almost begging for a go
but because i knew i wouldnt be able to hold the bike up i didnt
theyre soooooo big and he said his isnt even the biggest
since then ive just showered and done my diary really
it was a really good day and Ed treated me to everything too ><
after all this time he still takes care of me
i hope he gets home safe
mum said it was good to see me genuinely happy today
she says she can see how good my relationship is with ed and how much i enjoy myself round him and have a laugh. it was good to see
she says im not like that adam XD
speaking of him, hes sent off for his provisional driving license
not sure whats triggered that
he'd left me a txt saying he's sent off for it
i said "really,like really really?"
he said "yeah cost me £14 coming in two weeks"
i said "sorry, just wait a sec"
he said "what?"
i said "i was just lighting the fireworks id saved for such occasion"
he said "cheeky git, were they good fireworks?"
i said "we'll theyd almost gone out of date"
point match me~
tomorrow im seeing adam for the first time since we had that tiff on
friday night
so not sure how it will be but we can see
wont be long anyway as he has work i have yoga
gonna run or dance in the morning
then sew~
i will share photos tomorrow of today when i get the photos from ed off his phone
Evening~~
I took one too many sleeping tablets last night
didnt really help
fell asleep around 12:30 so i guess it was a bit better
but i had been in bed since 9:45pm
I did my nails last night~
quite impressed at the neatness~
I got up at 7:45am
i reluctantly went for a run
passed my dad running and he was in his van
i waved he waved but didnt smile or even look at me really
i wondered two things
1. did he realise it was his daughter?
2. if he did realise, does he really not like me or something? why not smile
he didnt look impressed with me
I came home and showered, had breakfast, and went into a town
i picked up fabric, facial scrub, face pack, new socks, cereal
not much but it was needed and luckily i didnt have to go all over like i first thought i only went into two shops :)
I came home at 11am and had my first brew of the day
sat with mum for a bit as she had just come home also and i chose to make the most of her company
after lunch i did 2 more kimonos
only have 4 more to go!!!
i also practised a bit of dancing
i did a yosakoi and beat generation and i do feel theres some improvement with beat generation it doesnt feel like a quick messy effort to get all the moves in how i first started out XD
at 3pm I went to psychiatrist
he says hes gonna look into applying for funding so i can see ether a specialist for dissosiative identity disorder or to see basically i higher psychiatrist
but considering other people are worse than me i may not 'qualify' so to speak
he hasnt made another appointment with me and i kinda felt like he washing his hands of me because theres nothing he personally can do as he's not that qualified in this area and i have refused medication.
i came home feeling a bit deflated with all
as im anxious as to what the next step is
i have a gut feeling that no help will be available to me
i will finish my sessions with the psychologist and that will be it
but i could be wrong
time will tell
i came home did some cross stitching and sat with Oz
had second shower of the day as i always feel dirty from that mental health buliding
smells like very cheap air freshener and no windows open
icky i felt i always do
i did see mum's friend who works there tho
she told me well done on my PB from saturday and that she''ll see me saturday down there
tonight i am seeing mia
looking forward to it
just hope we dont talk about my mental health too much
as im fed up of that topic for a while
tomorrow i believe Ed is coming over!
hopefully hopefully
fingers crossed
and we said we'd go ice skating
we shall see
Evening
Well guess who was up til 2am
yup
I just cant seem to sleep
just become like wired in the late pm hours
i have to get up as im aching in bed from laying there that bloody long
went to bed at 9pm last night as i was so damn tired
i stayed in bed til 12:30 then went back to bed 1:45am
after doing some stretches, dancing, reading
im so damn tired
my eyes and eye lids sting
i was up at 6:50am
so every morning for god knows how long ive only had 5-6 hours sleep
plus the amount of exercise and stuff im filling my day with
its exhausting!
When I saw mum this morning she said "oh you look white. You lips even look blue"
how is that possible? how can i look so corpse like in the morning?
I got ready to see karen
for a massage ive been needing
she says she can feel ive got muscles these days XD
we talked about bits and she asked me questions about my mental health condition that dissosiative identity disorder. i didnt mind tho
at the end of the massage karen said "you have more colour now, you dont look quite so vampiress now" XD thanks, I must have looked rough this morning im guessing!
i left there and was home for 10:30am for a needed shower
from there i didnt do much
i honestly felt like death
but i pushed myself to do 2 more kimono squares
i went wrong a few times but i got there
did a fair bit of cross stitch today
went to walk to the shop with mum
tidied up a bit
it has been unbelievably hard to NOT exercise today
like stupidly hard
its all i can think about that i havent done something
im used to doing AT LEAST 30 mins everyday
and to take a day off it torture
but i was determined to do it as ive had a massage and been exercising so hard my body aches a lot so i know i need the rest its just very hard having the rest
crazy really but it feels like something i need to do is exercise
i have been disciplined today tho and not exercised
im back on it tomorrow tho
in a way it picked a good day for my day off as im so shattered honestly
body feels like a heavy weight including my eyes
theyve been sore all day, theyre sore from me rubbing them awake so much
i feel ive done nothing today
but its been necessary
tomorrow i will be back on my game
tomorrow im ether going into a town in the morning or i may go city centre
ether way im by myself
then at 3pm i have psychiatrist
then 6:30pm i see mia
id like to do a run in the morning also~
a doodle ive done as part of adams present
