Redrawing Ninetails

 Evening

I had an alright evening but struggled to sleep due to pain, took me til gone midnight, I almost got up but I think Jack knew or sensed I couldnt sleep so he stroked my back and it did calm things down, I wonder if he did that in his sleep? I shall ask him~

I got up at 8am and felt a bit rough and weak, had an easy morning, tried porridge for breakfast instead of meat and it made my stomach make some noises, I had to go toilet and my stomach felt heavy with porridge so I am not wanting that again.

We went food shopping which really tired me out but we did it

when we got back we had a brew with Oz, he's been a bit quiet today, We have brought some parsley for him to try - the girls like it XD

We made my soup and whilst it was cooking I somehow cleaned Oz out and the bathroom but it about killed me off. I needed to do my chores, I will not be beaten.

After lunch I slept for 40mins and when I got up we went for a very short walk as I wanted to. When we came back we had another brew with Oz.

I then did some drawing, I am 'redrawing' a picture of Ninetails I did in I think 2018? Ether way I want to see if I can do better now, just drawing the line art Jack says he can see the improvement  ^^ I can tell I am tired tho as I was looking at thinking 'its not quite right, but 8 tails is right' jack pointed out "it needs 9 tails" yeah the clue is some what in the name....

I did dinner. To be honest if it wasnt for Jack helping out and eating with me I probably wouldnt bother with dinner. Which made me reflect on how little I have been eating the past few days. I havent been having my snacks, just my main meals....I need to try harder to eat.

Now I am gonna do some drawing, have a bath and see Oz and maybe do my nails. I was gonna try out my new weights for 10mins but I will see how I feel.

We got our new anime dvds from mum this morning.

chobits works fine

Inuyasha final act....they dont even load!! theyre worse than the first lot! I am gutted as its like Im not suppose to see this series T^T

tomorrow

it's school

and of course I am worried about how the day will go. Will I get through it?

Chris's birthday

 Evening

Last night I was pretty dead and didnt do any exercise. Jack was gaming and I just sat with Oz and went for a bath. I sat with the massager til Jack came downstairs, we watched Fruits Basket, went to bed and I slept through the night til 7:50am

I got up this morning and felt a bit worn out but felt better than yesterday morning that was for bloody sure. So I went with Jack to post my cousin's birthday present, we went down to wilkos as we needed a few bits for school. Then I took Jack to Munchies - where my brother goes every friday morning. For a breakfast baguette, Jack got a foot long baguette with hash browns, bacon, sausage, egg all for £4.70! Bloody bargain that! We got home and I had the rest of my breakfast as I couldnt face it again this morning, and Jack ate his baguette, he was quiet and I could tell he was loving every bite...He said he would go munchies again XD

It's Chris's birthday today and as we missed his 30th last year cus of lock down I thought I would make him a birthday card which he loved ^^ I drew his favourite character which is Chi from Chobits, holding cheese and chris is a cheese fiend

My mum wanted to know how I was today so I gave her a ring. She asked when i was next going down to tk maxx, she had forgotten to pick something up. So I suggested that we go for an hour, as long as its just that 1 shop and nothing else. 

I went to mum's and she drove us down to tk maxx. I picked up a father day presents for dad which is a tshirt, I picked up a couple of tshirts for jack, some birthday presents for jack, some skin care (which the woman didnt charge me for!) I got some leggings for work. Some gardening equipment too. So it was worth the trip. Mum was happy as I was pointing out skincare for her, shes really worried about the whole aging thing so it was good to help her as I do know a thing or two.

I got back to mums and we had a brew with the sows on our laps, I spoke with my brother for a bit, dad came back home so I said hello to him then I was home for 1pm for my lunch. Mum had lent me some pots for me to grow my sunflowers in when I pot them.

I had my lunch which I didnt really want but ate it. I had a massive sleep in the day as well, I was annoyed that I had wasted time in bed but I could not help that.

I got up and had Oz in and then we did dinner. I feel a bit awful for Jack as his friends were meeting up at harvey's tonight and I didnt want to go I do not have the strength for that but because Jack can not drive he cant get there and I knew he didnt want to ask me to play taxi so he said he wasnt fussed but I wondered otherwise, his other friends online then are online tonight but not until 10pm and I said to jack I can go to bed by myself but he said "when youre feeling better ill try again as its not working right now is it" I felt bad. I offered to drug myself up so Id sleep. but he said "how selfish is it of me to ask you to drug yourself up so I can game" But hes missing out because of me.

As the evening has gone on, Ive become tired and struggling to hold the mentalness back so I have told him I dont want him gaming late I need him tonight. he is fine. I just feel selfish. 

I had an early bath as I can not work out. I am exhausted. Heck I was tired in the bath just washing myself! So yeah no work out today. Jack sat with oz then when I was dressed I sat with Oz.

We are both going into the study now I might do some drawing and Jack gaming.

I have decided to not weigh myself this week as I cant cope with anymore.

tomorrow is food shopping and chores, sure I will be exhausted after tomorrow T^T

but I achieved stuff today~

 

It just gets a bit much you know?

 Evening

Last night I did manage to do a bit of drawing, and then Jack asked if he could game with his friends as they were online. I said this was fine with me, I will go to bed when I like.

I was in bed for 9:45pm

But I could not sleep. I ached and then the sheer overwhelming thoughts that just would not shut up.....thoughts that I had been blanking and shutting out, ignoring over the last few weeks just got too much. I think I just cracked a bit.

I got up at 11:15pm not being able to take the pain any longer, and over dosed. Making me feel quite sick. I needed to be numb to not be able to think or feel. To not hear the thoughts about self harming, to not hear the thoughts about calories. Both thoughts I have been trying to bury for the last couple of weeks. To pretend I had never had them, that my mental health had not fallen that badly. But it has. And admitting that is incredibly hard and soul destroying.   I pretend Im ok, that Im not falling to pieces inside, that I can continue to be strong, that I can wear my mask for others. But I guess it just leads to the path of burn out, I burnt myself out.

I cried alone in the dark in the living room. Jack came to bed at midnight. I was hoping he would think Hammington in bed was me. But he soon discovered I was not in bed and came to find me. damn it. Usually its mum who finds me crying but now its jack I guess

He said I should have got him, that helping me through all this is far more important than being on a game. Hes right, I know. However its not nice seeing your love one like that and I dont want him to tire of always seeing me like this. He said that would never happen.

I stayed up just quietly crying whilst he cuddled me and I think I fell asleep around 2ish

the alarm went off and I felt dizzy and weak as a kitten. I could barely sit up. I said to Jack that I couldnt make it in today. He was like "no no you are not going"

he then had a mad rush of getting ready with no breakfast, running out into the rain to wait by the main road in the village for hannah from work to pick him up. I felt awful for him having such a hard night with me then a sucky evening. I txted my brother at 7am telling him to tell mum I was off school, shes wouldnt be checking her phone til gone 8am and I was gonna ring her. But I fell asleep >< I fell asleep for 3 hours too! I was just gone. I woke up and had to get rid of everything from my stomach. I felt terrible at this point, I txt mum that I was awake and she popped by on her way home which was around 11am. She made me tea and I had some breakfast and my morning meds. I looked and felt awful. In fact mum said I looked green.

She kept me company talking for a couple of hours but left me to get lunch. I ate my lunch with Oz and then I just did the odd little thing round the house, drew, got Oz out and just did that on rotation.

Jack couldnt get a lift home with hannah until like 5pm, he finishes at 3:30. But people were going for a drink in the pub for chris's birthday tomorrow. So Jack joined them and then hitched a lift with Hannah I was happy he went pub, does him some good to have a drink and socialise.

He came in and I warmed our leftovers up and we had dinner, he had a shower and was just about in time for his dungeon and dragons, I had managed to see him a little bit before his gaming.

I sat behind him on my laptop finishing off my drawing I have been working on for weeks!!!!!

It is done I think. It was hard but if you dont challenge yourself then your art doesnt improve.

its on my redbubble page

https://www.redbubble.com/people/LunatiqueDesign/shop?asc=u

Now I am just with Ozwald who is always hungry XD

I am not doing any exercise tonight as I am drained and weak. I literally cant do any exercise so I admit defeat tonight and will be kind to myself and to my body. Have a nice bath and relax.

tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow

I am posting my cousin's birthday present as its her birthday 3rd June so I want her to have it in time.

then I will go a shop for some stuff for school, and then I have been saying to Jack  I will take him to this sandwich place my brother goes to every friday. I show Jack my brother's breakfast cobs and Jack really wants one so I will take him there tomorrow finally just to collect something.

Then I am doing nothing the rest of the day I hope!

very happy news!

 Evening

We were in bed for 9:30pm, it was very early by Jack's standards but I was happy about it

I soon fell asleep and slept through the night

I didnt die on the toilet so all in all I was feeling pretty good today ^^

Just a bit anxious about school but that was because of the practicals I had got coming up

Practicals which i had nailed. A few students didnt finish so I let them in during break, then at lunch to finish. It was nice I was trusted by the teacher to do that.

I got a lot of other stuff done, I was shattered I did not stop. So tired. The break I did have, I was on my mat stretched out and the dept head saw....she probably thinks I do nothing all day. so that saddened me a bit cus yeah I just hope she doesnt think I am a lay about

I was so tired by the end of the day

but it did not stop there

when we arrived home from picking Oz up, Chris and his wife had arrived before us. Chris was here to fix jack's computer finally and he had his wife with him. I have never met his wife Yuna who is from china. She speaks english but has a very strong accent. In honesty I found it hard to understand her at times but she is the first chinese born person I have spoke to. I will get used to her way of speaking I am sure :) their relationship made me laugh tho. She walks all over him. If it was any one else I am sure chris would tell them where to stick it but I can see the love in his eyes for her.

Mia turned up at 4:45pm with her dogs, she had asked me if I was up for a walk and I thought I would as she only wanted to do a small walk, however it turned into a longer walk as she had some very very exciting news! theyre going ring shopping!! yup I think the engagement is finally finally happening ^^ I was thrilled for her I mean Im just happy for her. Shes wanted it for so many years.

I got back and made dinner straight away, whilst it was cooking I did a 15min weight video, ate dinner and got Oz in to which Jack sat with him whilst I went for a bath. It's not 8:30pm and I have actual time to myself now! I might do some drawing unsure yet.

I told Jack that I felt no jealousy towards mia and her engagement. When my friends moved out I was jealous as I never thought I would achieve it. But I dont feel jealous about getting married.

I told this Jack and he was like "fine dont wanna marry you anyway" jokingly

but I am really ok, I could be engaged but as for marry....no way could I handle that right now 0.0

So yeah different evening but a welcomed one

tomorrow is friday, its school, but then its weekend!!! I hope I feel good again tomorrow!

There's never any help for me

 Konbanwa~~~~

So last night I managed to get into bed for 9:30pm woo

I did manage to fall asleep without Jack who had started gaming at 9pm

I woke up midnight on the dot from a terrible nightmare involving my mum taking a sick and twisted interest in body parts and was showing me all these body pieces in a red gooey room. I realised that my 'mum' was actually my other personality so woke up. Drenched in sweat. I noticed that Jack wasnt in bed. But was thinking maybe he was coming off at midnight. So I waited in my sweaty bed til 12:15 until I was the impression he had simply gotten too involved and carried away....

I went upstairs to him, he looked at the time, swore, announced he was leaving and left. All in the space of 15 seconds. Like I was gonna tell him off or something XD He apologised and came to bed with me

however, in the act of going upstairs and making sure he got to bed so he wouldnt be tired the next day, it kinda woke me up and then pain kicked in. I tried to sleep next him but he soon started sleeping and snoring. I got up and had to have pain killers. I was up til 3am....even when I went to bed it took me ages to get to sleep. All I could think about was school in the morning, how dead Id be, should I go and then knowing i needed to go because of the bacteria practicals. 

I was shattered when we got up for school and slightly peed off at Jack as I looked like death all because of him. He said he wouldnt have another late night on a weekday. Which i agreed to. But then I turned round and said "I  just will leave you to it, it will be your issue if you are late to bed and tired for school" he said thats fine, and agreed he would set an alarm so he doesnt get carried away.

I didnt have to go to the toilet this morning so that was one good thing!

We got to school and its just been back to back busy all sodding day. I felt stressed out by the sheer amount of work I had to do and how god damn tired I was. I could barely think. I blamed Jack who I could tell felt guilty. good >.>

we got home and I necked a cup of tea and we drove out to the doctors as I did not want to go so Jack insisted he came with me

and what a load of crap

ZERO help

I even saw a doctor I have never seen before simply for a new perspective as my doctor is crap and last time I rang up telling him my pain was awful he suggested aromatherapy.....

but this doctor literally had nothing to say to me

no help no suggestions

i did test positive for ANA but he didnt seem arsed

I told him I have pain in my stomach and have to empty my stomach content out an ive lost 5.5kg in 2-3 months. But it was like I had just said "nice weather today huh" he didnt even register I had mentioned that. It was shocking. I think Jack was stuck for words and felt worried about me

I swung by mums and collected Oz

told her my bloods are, theres no help or cure so whats new. I did cry a bit as even tho this is nothing new to me, being told it still hurts. I asked the doctor is this how I am suppose to live from now on but he said he would talk to my usual doctor, they will ring me back but FAT chance. I will never hear from them again

we got home and ate the stew thank god I didnt need to cook as I was exhausted by this point. 

Mum rang me and said how appalling it is how bad i was treated and to write a letter over the weekend to the practice manager and complain, so I have that to do which I get I should do however that eats up my time and they dont give me any of theres

anyway enough of that crap

tonight we are doing yoga, hot chocolate, bath.  Were doing yoga with the patio door open and watching and talking to Oz

tomorrow is school, I have a very busy day -_____- i hope sleep 

i will continue on somehow

Deathy morning

 Konbanwa~~~

After our walk I did 15mins of weights and went for a bath, after I asked Jack to come off his game early we watched fruits basket and went to bed

I woke up for a wee in the night which annoyed me. But then I had a good dream about being a vampire.

We got ready for school and all was well in the world, we even got up 10mins earlier as I keep making us late due to stomach issues. However my stomach thought I was trying to get away with it al and went nuclear on me. Literally died on the toilet. I felt sick, it hurt and it would not stop....

I felt so utterly drained after it all. Its not fair. After all that all I want to do is crawl into a ball and lay on my bed until the pain goes. But no I have to dash out the house with a painful stomach and then the journey in the car makes me feel sick cus my stomach is unsettled. My life SUCKS

We got to school and Jack heated my hot bag and I lay on the floor in a ball until the pain subsided.

When I could I got up to do my jobs and I walked in head of science's room he asked if I was ok

I automatically responded with "yeah im fine"

he said "really?"

I said "yeah"

he shut the door and said "youre not your usual bubbly self, whats up"

where do you start?

I know he genially cares and isnt just asking cus he feels he has to. He mentioned about the meal and I said I couldnt eat out right now im too anxious and that I have been struggling with food lately but I was going doctors soon. He asked if anything can be done at school for me. Everything is good at school honestly. He said to take breaks and if I need to go a walk to chill out then thats fine. And maybe ideas on what to do next time if eating out wasnt my thing.

All morning people were asking me "you ok?" so i said to jack "do I look like death or something?" he said "yeah...you look quite deathy" chris saw us and said "you two alright today??" looked at me "youre obviously not" >.> guess I must have looked like death.

I continued my day finding it hard til about 2pm as I would have had some food in me by this point

but I did my bacteria and such. and cleaning up and other practical prepping, I went to the shops for stuff for my practicals too. it was nice to go out in the sun :)

I txted mum asking if she wanted to come over for a brew and so she bought Ozwald over and we had a brew with her. Oz was snoring on the floor X3

I did dinner which was so damn good as I marinated the meat at 9:30pm last night

I will go do a bit of a work out and then bathe, Jack said he will spend time with Oz whilst im in the bath. Then I can pretty much go to bed anytime after that as Jack has asked if he can have a late night. I wanna go bed early so yeah I will give it a go. 

I want to try be in bed early, I will take a sleeping tablet.

I will write my cousin's birthday card too so I can give that and her present for mum to wrap tomorrow as I will go post office on saturday and get that off.

Tomorrow

its school, its also a stew morning so we need to get up and get that stew on! 

I should also have my doctors appointment. However I rang up today and asked if my blood tests were back and the receptionist said no....but it takes up to 3 days. They said "they should have come back on friday but theyre not in" Im gonna ring tomorrow and see if theyre in cus if theyre not then theres no point me in going to the doctors. So we shall see what happens there. 

Just by being asked out to dinner

 Konbanwa~~

I had an alright evening which involved doing a bit of exercise whilst Jack watched dinner with my Ex, some of people on that program.....0.0 dregs of humanity 

He had the bath after me and we watched Fruits basket then was in bed for 10pm

we have been watching Inuyasha final act, however the dvd has gotten worse and worse and now refuses to play....so I have been looking online for another copy. I was loathed to get another as Jack had gifted the series to me at christmas so it felt wrong to buy another but when i talked to him about it he said there was no point in having a dvd that you cant watch. true true.

This morning I actually felt alright, no anxiety. Physically I actually felt pretty good. I cant remember the last time I felt this good for school I really cant.

My day, which I thought was going to be quiet was actually really busy >< I had practicals that I had forgotten about til I saw them written down when I came into school. I got it all done and prepared them with love and teachers appreciated it ^^

I was still feeling pretty good too. Until at 2pm I realised we had an email sent from head of science saying "I have booked _____ at 6pm next thursday here is the link for the menu"

instant panic and anxiety

I cant believe how quickly I was affected by it. Just by being asked out to dinner

i felt anxious about eating food made by someone else so I didnt know what was in it

eating in front of a group of 15

being inside with the public without masks

food made by a stranger 

being late home and too tired for school the next day

having tummy ache after eating food im not suppose to eat

I got a bit teary by this point

Jack said "we dont need to go Jo, its not worth this"

i said "but if I dont go it means you cant go"

he said "to be honest, with covid, I am not keen on going ether. I would rather spend the money on a new anime box set, watch anime and sit with Oz. Thats a better evening in my eyes"

ahhhhh he knows all the right things to say ^^ I only shed a few tears but I felt dizzy and my heart was going of out rhythm. Amazing how that one email made me feel and it was a positive email too it was suppose to be a nice thing to do. But I just cant handle that right now. I dont need to do that to myself. So we put down on the invitation form that we werent attending. Saves us about £60 as it wasnt cheap and we could get a few dvds for that! XD

we collected Oz on our way home, mum said he hadnt done much all day as it had been pretty awful weather. Jack made me tea when we got home then we did dinner which was good. 

Jack did quite a few chores to help me too and then I suggested going for a walk as it was such a lovely evening so we did a short walk it was nice actually. We hadnt managed to get out for a walk at the weekend. We got back and Jack showered whilst I sat with Oz. 

I will do a quick 10min weights video.  then go for a bath I think

We will watch fruits basket later hopefully but Jack is gaming so who knows

tomorrow is school and I have bacteria to grow again

the students bacteria had grown however they had not made a good job of it XD