I actually return to school tomorrow

 Evening

Do you ever have the same dream more than once or twice? I do. I even know whats going to happen. Like watching the same film twice. I had to watch a child drown last night. I have no idea why I have such dreams but yeah I knew she was going to do, helpless to do anything but spectate. 

I slept well but was unaware of the clocks going forward

but its fine it just means we had a bit of a rush to get out for shopping

I was  like a corpse going round the shop I must have looked like I had the hangover from hell

We got the job done

I came back and cooked my breakfast meat, prepped fish for tonight

then somehow summoned the energy to clean the bathroom and gave it a real thorough cleaning as we've both had upset stomach

I was dead, I only had hot chocolate for my lunch as food was burning my stomach

But all afternoon I was so empty and hungry I ate a hot cross bun but it hurt

Jack washed the car, mowed the lawn, hoovered up. Most hes done in 2 weeks!
I sat in the car with him whilst he drove on our road to have ago doing manovers in the car which he actually did better than i can do T^T 

we did dinner and I was so hungry I felt sick, I got less than half way and my stomach churned. So not fair. I ate my fish but left the sweet potato. 

We finished watching twin star exorcists turns out that was a pointless anime to watch!

I need to see what we're watching at dinner time next

really really enjoy cells at work. its fantastic and learned so much about the human body.

I dont feel as if I have done much with my day or weekend really but probably best I havent worked myself to death. My mum phoned to see how I was. I am ok so far about going back to school tomorrow I just dont want to go! But knowing that I only have 4 hours to get through  makes it bearable going back

I watched Oz play with the pigeons which was cute. He had fun inside with me too. Lots as fuss as always. Such a happy bun. I live to make his life happy

I had a bit of a pamper in the bath so I can try a look semi-decent for tomorrow

I just dont want to return >< mum says she will be here waiting for me to come home ^^

few confessions

 Evening

For the love of god I keep forgetting to write this!!! jesus >.>

Just got to bed without thinking about doing my diary!

Well I have been 'back' at work but working from home

I had 300+ emails waiting for me....yup that was my morning gone!

Over the 2 days I got through my emails, I got my pictures finished, I went through the biologists's lab sheets to see what they want this coming week. I was really quite exhausted!

heres my pictures, one is o a caveman (our ancestors) trying to train a wolf (kinda like how domestic dogs started) thats kinda where I was going with this, and also a now days horse showing off its evolved hoof the 'first' horse

Jack was still suffering with stomach upset and coughing fits

I had an afternoon of crying

It was work triggered. Just reading everything brought everything back. I dont want to go back. i am only just starting to feel like myself again. I cant volunteer again to work myself in to the ground and make my self so sick that life doesnt feel like worth living. This process keeps happening and I have reached breaking point. i cant do it again. This time I did come close to just overdosing and ending it all I couldnt see a way to live my life happily.

I expressed this to mum through tears as she came to see me, I cried to Jack too

I said that I need to accept this, I will not be able to the summer term after easter as a full time technician, I will need to be part time. my plan was to last out til I could get the job as art technician (hopefully) and work those part time hours starting september. I would only need to hold out 1 more term being full time.

But I cant

So i began to stress about that and the meetings that will follow

I have also made an active effort since thursday to take the correct dosage of my pain relief which is 8 tablets a day apposed to sometimes 16 tablets a day

i had let it get that bad

I was overdosing at work to get me through the day 

then I was signed off sick and in such a state that I was overdosing for my stress induced pain and back i had pulled out (is still recovering 4 weeks on!) then I was just taking them cus I wanted to. Not cus I needed them. I wasnt seeing any 'repercussions' of taking extra so I just kept doing it as it helped me feel less about life. But i cant do this

I can not keep poisoning my body like this

so I have been taking the 8 tablets I am supposed to

heck if I can I might try and drop further!

Its hard admitting things that need to change. Change is hard 

today tho

I have had massive upset stomach....you know when you HAVE to go as you cant keep it in and what comes out is like rusty water....yeah I was shivering and sweating on and off the toilet. It was a horrendous day I was just massively grateful we had nothing on today. Sweet jesus

I dont think its anything to worry about, something has just gone wrong inside. I am sure I will be fine tomorrow 

jack was given and interview date so thats good news! think its 11th of april. Be so good if he gets a new job.

His mum rang today they are off on holiday during easter break. Jacks brother was going to come home and work from home there so he could pet sit. However he is unable to do that due to needing some heavy dentistry that very week, typically! So Jack's nan is having Enzo the cat

and we are having his sister's 2 bunnies! Skyla and Thumper!!!

I am mega excited!

I was dreading her asking us to travel over for 10 days straight during our holiday to go let rabbits out as that would tie us down and take 2+ hours out our day. So theyre dropping everything off on wednesday! Oz has never seen another rabbit before. So it will be interesting.

tomorrow is 

food shop

food cooking + food prep

clean the bathroom (that poor toilet...)

take Jack out in the car to practice as his driving test is on friday 

a very faint line and work tomorrow

 Evening

I slept pretty well again, certainly helps by not sleeping during the day but my god I would. Just lately I havent been able to sleep during the day for whatever reason.

I got my stew on when I got up at 7:30am

This morning I did a whole hour of yoga, I had had enough after all that!

I worked on my easter picture then at 11:30am mum picked me up and took us Pudding pantry, I treated her and brought Jack a cake from there. I said I wanted to treat her as its mothers day soon :)

Mum dropped me off and I had lunch with Jack

then did some drawing and got my easter picture finished ^^ finally. So I will upload that on easter whenever that is!

We had dinner then I had a bath then I might start my next piece of art

I have work tomorrow

This morning when I woke up I actually felt poorly, I wondered if I had covid so we both did a test Jack had a very very faint line like it was barely there. I am still negative....how? so I could rule out that I didnt have covid. What it was, was anxiety. Anxiety about tomorrow and the fact that Jack is unable to go to school. I dont think he will return now til monday.

So he emailed head of science (we havent heard back from) that Id like to work from home these next 2 days and that next week I might have to do half days. I felt better once he sent that email but I have been worried about the response but we havent had one so Jack said to work from home tomorrow and I will just do some digital work display stuff probably.

I dont want to return. I feel like I am just getting myself back again like I have personality again instead of just being a husk. But I am off sick not off on holiday and need to get back to it I guess. 

soon be easter holidays. Just 7 working days then holidays.

only £1100

 Evening

totally forgot to do this yesterday!

But yesterday wasnt anything great really. 

I went TK MAXX with mummy, didnt get a lot really

Today my Jack is still poorly T^T

covid got him good

I made some sort of lemon cake which Jack didnt like! The first food ever I have made that Jack does not like! The korean pork at dinner he loved and requested I wrote the recipe down and make it for him again XD

today I went for a walk by myself for 45mins in the morning which was nice, I had actually had a better night's sleep too. 

I did some drawing, I looked at skin care online as I am struggling to get what I want for a decent price. Lizi suggested Yesstyle and I was impressed with it actually and got what I needed for mum, jack and myself. spent £103 on skin care but it was suppose to be closer to £200 and it should last us a long while.

Mum came over but sat with me in the garden with Ozwald

she tried my lemon cake and liked it ^^

Jack helped me make salad for dinner and we prepped the dinner to whack in slow cooker tomorrow

we are gonna do another covid test tomorrow to see whats what

Just life a bit dull really. Both poorly, both would like to return to work

I can not wait to return to announce to everyone I am leaving. I would love to tell people I am sodding off. But instead I am tempted to keep it quiet and just announce when I have a new job. I got my pay cheque today and I never look at it as I dont understand it but I let jack see it

I was like "so what do I actually get each month?"

he said "after tax, £1100"

"thats it!?"

I honestly thought it was more like £1400 which is still rubbish for a monday to friday 8-4 job. I am basically a slightly glamourous slave. 

why do I do all the work I do for this?

what tops it off is that I was due to get a pay rise LAST april but only in this pay check I received it yup its taken them a whole year to sort that out. Grand total for the year of £200!!! woop!

which was totally deducted as it was taxed so I got nothing

I am no longer feeling guilty about having a month off work 

I can not wait to jack it all in

Jack told me if I get the art technician job that I wont be taxed on what I earn as I wont earn enough! so that will be something, to not get taxed for working my ass off.

I've got Jack again tomorrow

 Evening

I just can't sleep at night. My back - 4 weeks on - is still painful and tight. I am in desperate need of a massage but I know once that massage comes round its gonna hurt like bitch ><

So we got up at 7:30am and got ready and went shopping. 

Shopping exhausted Jack, we got there and lined up for 30seconds then the doors opened. We got to a checkout as they opened, we were only in there half hour for a weekly shop. Like ninjas but it exhausted my Jack

I had so much kitchen work to do once we were home

breakfast chicken to cook

pork to marinade for tomorrow

fish to marinade for tonight

soup to make for lunches for the week 

^^; it was a lot but I got it done in an hour~ AND cleaned the bathroom which took me over the hour. But I knew if I didnt do then I wouldnt do it as I was DEAD

after lunch I laid on my bed with hammington for 2 hours, in and out of sleep. Just exhaustion

I offered to take Jack in the car, I mean I wasnt looking forward to sitting in the car as my back hurt and I had done any exercise yet. When I spoke to him tho we decided that realistically he is not well enough to go school tomorrow. If a half hour shop killed him off how is gonna last 8 hours? so he said he will go in the car tomorrow which is fair enough

I did some drawing with Oz in the living room and Jack came to play pokemon

then I did dinner, had a bath then I did an hour of yoga, I could not be arsed but jesus christ my back was just so stiff and painful I had to do something. Jack went to game with harvey and theo. And theo announced that the girl he's been 'seeing' (seeing being the polite word) since before christmas is now his girlfriend! His first ever girlfriend at 29! I am pleased for him ^^ I could tell that Jack was happy for him too. Wonder when we can meet her. Shes brazillian. Harvey has met her as shes always over. Think he's heard her a lot too....

So hes finished gaming and its 9:20pm so we will probably go and play pokemon in bed and then try sleep. Please god I need to sleep through the night. Its been weeks since I slept through T^T

tomorrow mummy said she will see me, we might pop shops but see how I am first. I am relieved my Jack has been sensible and not going back to work too early. Hes really not right yet. I expect him to go back sometime this week tho as I could tell he wanted to go back tomorrow but I was like "youre sick!" he hasnt done another test as frankly whats the point. Hes sick and not going work

Made a tooth brush holder

 Evening

I still didnt sleep great. And my BACK when I woke in the night and when I got up this morning T^T

yoga was needed

I felt a bit deathy from reflex

I got up and we had Oz in then he helped me clean his cage bless him. Best time of the week.

I then came in and did an hour of yoga, i was dead. Got dressed and ready then made some biscuits.

I had a sit then I think we had lunch as after I had finished everything it was 11:30am!

I wasnt hungry and knew nothing would satisfy me so I just grabbed sugar really I just wanted lunch over with. I needed to do something creative. So I got out the plans I made a few weeks back

I was gonna make a toothbrush holder but it required and energy and 5 straight hours of work. These things havent been available for a long time so I havent been able to make it. But today I grabbed the bull by the horns and got on with it.

Dear god my back. 5 hours of clay working. My hands are bruised. The clay I had had for a few years and I think it had gone off a bit as it was hard to mould but also smelt of onions. I stuck with it. and yeah it functions but need to see how we get on with it.

I did dinner whilst Jack cleared up my mess and my clay was baking.

I then went for a bath to help my back but nah it hurts tooooooo much

Jack is doing better today ^^ he might game tonight but is waiting to hear from the guys

I am EXHAUSTED but I think its because I have literally been working all day. God I want my bed so damn bad.

Tomorrow is food shop

I am hoping Jack is up for it. He is still covid infected but he will mask up and keep away as much as he can. He says hes not happy about going but I said I needed him and also how many people are going round with covid on purpose or without knowing or not masking up. Told him not to worry about it. Only going in a shop 30mins and get there when it opens so its dead.

got chores to do tomorrow too T^T

better feet and enquiring about tattoos

 Evening

I couldnt sleep. i had a lot on my mind, mainly my impending covid test. So i was up til midnight dosing myself up T^T Even then i didnt sleep great. I woke up at 7:30am to find Jack already up! He said he couldnt sleep anymore it just wasnt happening.

I got straight into a covid test the moment I had said good morning to Jack. i was checking it every 5mins just waiting for that line to appear no matter how faint. But the time came and still no line....how? how is it possible? we share a living space and my body is very run down. I was relieved and let Charlotte know whats what as I would have reflex later in the day

I got up and ready and couldnt face another session of yoga so I txted my mum to see if she would go for a walk with me. So she met down the road at 9:30am for a walk.

I enjoyed my walk but I had had enough.

I sat with a cup of tea and then had my lunch really

I slept a bit after lunch I just felt exhausted. Always tired. Always knackered. Always exhausted. I am fed up of it all.

I went to reflex as Charlotte said it was fine to go if we both wear a mask that was nice ^^

I was much longer there than I planned as we were talking about tattoos as Charlotte has recently got her first tattoo and I was asking her about it and said I want one but I am scared. So after all that I felt a bit more confident about tattoos to the point that I think I will enquire about them at the same place she went. Expensive tho! She looked at my feet and after the hour said they had much improved since 2 weeks ago! I said they were no where near as painful ether. So my body might actually be trying to mend its self

I came home and did dinner straight away as I was starving. It was only 5:10pm but I dont think I have eaten that much today :/ 

after dinner I laid on my bed and Jack played with harvey and theo and hour then we got baths out the way. Probably watch anime and go bed.

I havent put Oz home despite it being past his bed time. Oz and Jack had been outside playing together whilst I was out and I think my loaf is tired as hes just been on his plush pad all evening! i havent got the heart to kick him out right now. Tired bun and its very cute. Hes all flopped out. spoilt and comfy

tomorrow I have zero plans as I will see how I feel after reflex

I hope Jack is ok tomorrow

today he is worse than yesterday but not as bad as wednesday