Last day of 2022

 I am alive, I can confirm this XD

I haven't been here since 21st Novemeber

if I am honest, I got fed up of it all. I got fed up of writing the same thing

"i'm tired" "I havent slept" "I ache" "fed up"

Its depressing and really brings home to me how I feel, how crap I feel and how restricted my life is because of my health. And when I am feeling exhausted, in pain and fed up, the last thing I wanna do is write about it! So I took a break, meaning to only be away for a week or 10 days but to be honest I got a taste for freedom. I enjoyed having that extra time in the evenings what I would usually use to write this, it can sometimes take up to half hour for me to do this and sometimes I would rather spend that time doing something more enjoyable.

I confessed to Jack I hadnt done my diary in 2 weeks, he suggested doing it at the end of each week not each day but even that felt like an ask. I decided I would leave it and just do a post at the end of this year to wrap the year up then 2023 I might do weekly diaries.

so I havent been up to a great deal this past month, I confirm I finished school without a sick day this half term so that was a nice achievement. I saw Mia's new forever home which is like a freaking mansion she has a mammoth project on her hands but I see the potential, my family dug up my drive so we can fit 2 cars on the drive, we had christmas together, we had asthma checks, just daily life really. I wasn't able to join in anything at school and friends with christmas and food cus of my diary but I did have 48 hours away from my diet on christmas eve and day. I stuffed my face with cake and chocolate, the sheer amount of calories those days was intense. and yes I did very much pay with my arse hole a couple of days later.....so much death.....

we have just ordered 6 months worth of this probiotic I have been taking as it seems to be the only thing working for my tummy. I cant rely and wait for NHS help. I am 99% sure that the problem with my stomach is that I am not making the right bacteria therefor acids are burning my linings. So I decided to research the best probiotics on the market. They were pricey but its actually been working. You dont mind paying if it flipping works. And jack kindly said he would go halves with me T^T so kind of him

tonight we have no plans - just the way I like it. Its 9pm and were gonna watch Yashahime together drinking hot chocolate then play scarlet and violet in bed together. Oh yeah the other day I completed the dex! I have never in my 20+ years playing pokemon, completed a dex. Never. But i have and i am so proud. Whats more is my brother bought pokemon

my brother bought pokemon. Those words dont go in the same sentence. He hasnt played pokemon since blue version when he was like 5 years old and too young to really understand it. Plus pokemon games were much harder in the day.

tomorrow, I am cleaning this house! it will be chore day! I have a lot of cooking to do also. Jack doesnt know it yet but he too will be cleaning. He wont be hungover anyway.

so lets review the year shall we

at the end of 2021 I said for 2022 I wanted to;

get more of my garden done

to work on biology GCSE

keep exercising - mainly weights

live well with my Jack and to continue strengthening our relationship

take better care of my self and be honest how I am really feeling

take more photos of myself to look back upon

so the garden, huge victory there. The victory credit mainly goes to mum and Jack if I am honest. those two worked solidly on that. I helped where I could but a lot of the time was banned from help cus of my health. But they have done a cracking job. I am so proud of my jack. He had such a tan by the end of summer!. We have a nicer looking garden that should be a lot easier to do in 2023 summer. Here's hoping we dont suffer 42c heat again....

biology GCSE....^^; eerrrmm I gave that one up. I ended up having that much time off work that I had missed too much and I got into my head that I didnt want to stay at school I didnt want to do science anymore so what was the point of it all. As much as I found it interesting, the science sadly wasnt coming natural to me. I had to study hard for things that most people already know. In the end I decided it wasnt worth the effort. I wasnt that bothered and would rather use the time for other things.

exercising, of course I exercise. God knows I exercise. I dont get away with it. And the guilt I feel for skipping a day! if I skip 2 days in a row man do I know about it! I have bought 2kg weights this year and my first kettle bell so I have been using them to try get stronger.

being with Jack. We still havent had a full on argument or any argument really. We work so well together and he takes such good care of me and I cant help but love and care for him. He did of course ask me to marry him by the waterfalls on October 19th ^^ he is the best

take better care of myself. Well this year I broke for the 3rd time. and after that 3rd time I confessed whilst sobbing to mum that if I was to burn out that badly again that I wouldnt have the strength to go on. That each time I burn out a piece of myself dies and I dont have enough strength to bring myself out of it a 4th time. That i would take my life. I only told Jack this a couple of weeks ago actually, he looked so sad and hurt and was disappointed I hadnt told him at the time that I would have taken my life. So going part time was the only way. I had a slow return to work after my break down and i liked working those hours so asked work if I could stay working part time and it was agreed. dont get me wrong it BURNS having to work part time. I hate it. I hate having to need this. But I also need to be fortunate that I am financially able to do this and I able physically able to work to. I hope to continue working like this

photos, god I suck at this one. Haven I taken one this year? are there any this year? god this is bad. I just hate looking at myself so much but I need to change this mindset. I have plenty of the loaf XD

so on the whole Id say I have done pretty well out of all those goals really.

big changes this year too was getting the whole house new windows, I gave up social media, we got a different car

what do I want out of 2023?

maybe I need to make more of effort with taking photos....

to live happily with my jack and support him through life~

do art and craft, I need to make that time for myself each and every day even if the work is rubbish. I need to do it for me and stop being a perfectionist. This year I lost out of doing a lot of art because I thought it would be rubbish and pointless whereas really, none of that  matters I should be doing art for me and not to go up in a gallery. Just chill out Jo!

I want to do up Jacks study, it needs properly sorting

be nice if I could decorate the lounge, maybe get patio door changed

go on a holiday even for 2 nights somewhere and make it somewhere new

keep up with my japanese but to enjoy it and learn it. I was the worried about falling out of the 'platinum league' on Duolingo that I was just the same lessons over and over again to earn quick lots of EXP and wasnt learning anything or even enjoying it. now I have fallen out of that league but actually improving 

think I will leave it at that

I will probably just be here weekly now as I stopped enjoying this, this was a chore. I am hoping weekly posts will be less chore-like

7th January is my baby boys 6th birthday. He is my world. I love him and will give him anything. I am so proud of him making it this far I hope hes 7 and becomes my longest living bun!!!!! Long live the loaf!

1 hour's sleep

 Evening

Last night was not good. Not only did Jack literally boot me out my bath, but I ended up not being able to stay up playing pokemon. Basically Jack urgently needed the toilet. So I was forced to get out early but better that than an accident! He spent a long time in there dying bless him. 

we went to play pokemon in bed, I had been looking forward to this time with my Jack but I couldnt keep my eyes open! I actually fell asleep before 10pm. I woke up at 11:30pm to Jack getting back into bed. I said "who dares disturb Jo's slumber" He said "I am so sorry, I didnt think I would wake you. I had bad upset stomach again" so this got my attention. I asked him if he would be ok going school tomorrow, he said he would not be going if his stomach was like this, which is fair.

then I asked "if you dont go, can I still work from home?"

he said "it wouldnt be ideal to be honest"

well that was it in, anxiety into overdrive. Dead worried about having to go into work without my Jack.

He fell asleep, I did not.

I was up

in pain and stressed (I got such a telling off this morning for not waking him up so he could comfort me)

by 3am I realised he hadnt been up to the toilet so I figured he was probably ok to go school. I decided to do my work! I was fed up of wasting the night away.  It was very clear to me I wouldnt be sleeping so I decided to do something productive. I sat doing my work til I had to wake Jack up at 6am

When he was awake I asked him "did you sleep ok?" he said "woke up a few times"

I said "and all those times you didnt realise I wasnt beside you?"

he said "why, where have you been?"

told him I hadnt been to bed since he got into bed from the toilet, that I was worried about school. Thats when Jo got a scolding.

I got Oz inside. There was a frost!! first frost >< bless him. He wasnt too bad and gave me plenty of licks. I had already had my breakfast several times through the night but I stayed up with Jack

when he left for work I went to bed thinking id sleep through til midday

no

course not

I was aching even then! how unfair is that!? only got another hour >.>

I felt drained of life when I got up

made some phone calls to get appointments booked

I did 30mins of yoga to try feel better but nope

I had lunch with mum, went to bed for another hour but still woke up aching like mad

I had a cup of tea with my loaf

then I have been in the kitchen making biscuits and dinner for tonight and Jack's lunch. Such a good house wife

I was late doing kitchen stuff as I had to die on the toilet really bad. Wasnt good. Thought I was gonna need a plumber XD

Dinner was good, just hope I get something out of it, please stomach digest food!

Not sure what I will do tonight. I wanted to do more of the wardrobe but we shall see. I am quite dead to be honest and i have a few days to do it yet

I look forward to playing pokemon in  bed with Jack later ^^

tomorrow

school, got a shed load of practicals to go back to from the sounds of it T^T please god I need sleep! 

2 bin liners full of clothes gone

 Evening

I had a bad night, the bed was like concrete then my head was a mess. Before I knew it I was up ti 2am.....I woke up at 10am!! again!!! my morning gone T^T

Jack was playing pokemon on the TV with Oz again. Luckily Jack got up at 8am so Oz was seen too.

I had to get straight into cooking near enough

had soooooo much to do

I made chicken meatballs, cooked them, cooked Jack's sausages for  his sandwich filling this week, cooked the marinated meat from yesterday which was 2 days worth of meals and my breakfast meat so it was 3 frying pans full....

I had soup to make also.

We had lunch and after lunch we went for a walk as it was sunny again so that was nice

Jack was getting his jobs done today. He sorted out his upstairs wardrobe. And actually threw stuff away. usually I have to tell him to part with things. It can be like working with a horder at times! But he did well. I threw out 2 bin liners full of clothes from my wardrobe and upstairs wardrobe

clothes I had been hanging on to for years simply cus I liked them, but when I held them up today I felt physically sickened by them. I thought "I do not want to be able to fit in them again" they were like childrens clothes! I know I had an eating disorder but yeesh I must have been skinny

other clothes I had held on to cus they looked good on but were anything but comfortable. I'm 30 now, I dont need this, I need comfort. Bring on the elasticated waists XD so they all went.

other stuff that didnt fit and just held on to

I felt cleansed. This is smallest amount of clothes I have owned in 15 years! I have a house now but own a small amount of clothes! I used to take up space in my mums wardrobes! I actually dont want to own that much again. Theres no need. its too much. 

I ran out of steam so I will finish the other stuff in my upstairs wardrobe this week. Cus I have a few bits in there now and my paints. Wont take too long, then next weekend that wardrobe can go! We have a wardrobe each in the bedroom and a wardrobe each upstairs. We are condensing to one upstairs. It did feel weird putting my stuff in Jack's wardrobe and bagging clothes up off the hangers. Felt like I was moving out again

I then sat in the living room, I was quite done in

I told Jack that anxiety about school has been upsetting my stomach today. I have decided to not go school tomorrow, to finish the display work I am so close to finishing! Takes the stress off me. 

I made dinner which was Nabe, never made it before. It was ok, not fussed on having it again really

tomorrow

working from home then I have cake/biscuit to make, wardrobe to sort. 

I have a few phonecalls to make as well.

cant remember if i uploaded this or not but birthday card I did for Jack's sister last month

Pokemon 24 hours in + new plant babies!!

 Evening

So last night I achieved a victory. I  have been promised plants for a few weeks now but we've been struggling to find any good ones. Not only that but we've really been having a problem with mould in this house and realised that a breed of plant we have actually helps with mould. So Jack said we could buy MORE. But we were struggling to find them too.

but yesterday in Morrisons I bought 1 huge mother 2 medium size ones (theyre the mould ones) then I found 2 cacti that were so cute and Jack said I COULD HAVE ALL OF THEM!!!! thats £40 worth of plants. It felt like christmas, seriously. I even found a green cushion with a rabbit on it in there!!! so yes this week's shop was a lillll expensive ^^; but it was all stuff we needed and said we would buy. I was so happy, especially as I had been having a rough time lately, it was a treat ^^

we came home and unpacked, got in pyjamas and at 8pm we began POKEMON!!!

we laid in bed playing pokemon, it was nice and what we had been waiting for

I gave in at 11pm, I ran out of concentration and my eyes were stinging. Jack said he stopped just after midnight. Id already fallen asleep. Oh we picked our starters I went for the grass cat I called it Spliffsy and Jack went for the duck. i got mine to evolve last night. I cant remember what Jack named his

This morning, I woke up and almost woke bolt upright literally not knowing what time or day it was. I think it was because when I opened my eyes it was LIGHT. Thats because it was 10am.....10am!!!! Jack wasnt in bed. He got up at 8:30am and was in the lounge with Oz playing pokemon. To me it looked like he had done an all nighter XD he hadnt tho.

So this morning Jack didnt bother having breakfast, I had a lil something to line my stomach for meds but I waited for lunch really

I cleaned Oz out, and then did a bit of weeding in the garden. I cleaned the bathroom, did mine and Jacks lunch. Jack hadnt left his seat still from pokemon. After lunch came the best bit

I laid everything out on the kitchen floor and made true mess...I set my laptop to watch anime on whilst for the next few hours I repotted many plants. In fact I ran out of pots and compost.....but its fine

I was nearing the end but I needed to move and Jack kindly said he would go a walk with me ^^

we got back and had a hot drink then I continued my plants whilst Jack continued yet more pokemon. He helped me clean up my mess cus it was a lot of mess. Then I made a banana cake then I made dinner. Jack broke off from pokemon to eat, went on it after he did the washing up but then I told him to go in the bath. After dinner I marinated meat for tomorrow too.

I am exhausted. I have achieved a lot with my day. I am glad my body is feeling up to doing everything. I just hope I havent over done it today. I wanted to keep the house running and let Jack play. If he wasnt with me he would be playing the game none stop, letting everything fall behind - house work, meals etc but with me around he can play and still function. The game means a lot to him  hes been waiting ages, counting the days. I wanted him to get his initial excitement out kinda thing. I know he would do his weekend chores at some point so I wasnt gonna lecture him and spoil his fun. I wanted him to do what he wanted which was sit for hours gaming. He has thanked me several times for everything and for being amazing, and also told me he will do chores tomorrow bless him

tonight I am gonna paint my nails and then play pokemon. I think I have done 3 hours and Jack had done like 12. Theo is REALLY FAR like I wonder if he has slept. Brandon says hes done 1 gym and is level 30! I am well far behind them all XD

tomorrow

I will be in that kitchen allllllllllllllllll morning. I have A LOT of cooking to do. then I might tackle clothes in my wardrobes, I need to have a BRUTAL clean out. But I will see how I am tomorrow, I hope I havent done too much today.

here is a christmas card I did for my brother~ 

Poorly tummy and new Pokemon Scarlet!

 Evening

I didn't sleep well last due to bad stomach like real bad stomach. I was up til 1am just dying on the toilet. I felt drained of life.

I got up at 6:30am and felt poorly, like death, I staggered to the toilet, did my teeth and went back to bed. Told Jack id work from home and do it later. I wanted nothing more than to be in a coma for a week. id had enough.

I thought id wake up around 8am. no. I could feel myself trying to wake up and seeing glimmers of the clock on the wall but it was like I had been drugged, I couldnt wake up. I was trying and trying. when I was finally allowed out the dream i was having it was 10:30am

10:30am!!! I felt sooo rough. But thats probably due to me not digesting anything including my meds last, and taking todays medication 4 hours late. I was starting to feel panicked because I felt unwell, and it was already 10:30am and I hadnt actually done any work yet!!! I tried to calm myself down but I could my heart hammering and my I was panting. At this point I rang jack. If anything else I wanted to be well for him so we could play new pokemon together

he calmed me down as I think I was on the verge of a panic attack. He said I could work at any point today it was fine. To eat, take my meds, fuss Oz. Yeah he made me feel better

I ate a bit with my meds and had lunch at midday then I worked til 2pm without a break, yeah I was determined to get stuff done! My mum turned up at this point. So I might do some more work over the weekend. Mum came with new pokemon which arrived at 1:50pm. so I texted Jack to say it was here.

Mum stayed for an hour, I ran a bath and did a 15mins work out video and felt better for moving my body, I think after that I wanna get into work out videos again. They had fallen off the page a bit due to poor health but I wanna try again with them even if I dont complete the whole video.

I had a bath, Jack came in and had a bath. We opened Pokemon together. Did dinner, then Jack washed up. We're gonna take Oz home 40mins early to bed then go food shopping

we'll come home, unpack, get into pyjamas and binge pokemon til midnight. My plan! Jack was up for it. Means we can without interruptions

I will still do stuff tomorrow but Jack has said he is having a pyjama day and playing pokemon which is fair enough. 

Oz has been good boy bless him. Being left alone in the living room for 3+ hours this morning! such a good bun.

we finished the second season of science fell in love last night which was good

we're gonna watch second season of cells at work next~

so tomorrow will be pokemon and chores for me 

I really hope pokemon scarlet has been worth the wait! 

flowers mum got us when we got engaged

dont wanna talk

 Evening

I slept a bit better but had a pain in my side that kept waking me up

I found it hard to get up this morning. Like a real effort to even open my eyes

I got ready for school then just before leaving the house I got bad stomach pains. We went to go drop Jack's switch off at my parents house as my brother was off work today and said he would change the joycons on Jack's switch.

we got work and god my stomach. stomach pains. But had to get on with it as I had so many practicals to do ><

I worked hard. I did get a lot done. However, I had a banging headache, couldnt think straight, couldnt get my words out. I was getting frustrated. I told mum to not see me, Id had enough. Couldnt even be bothered to talk to people including Jack. Just the way I felt today

I went home, at lunch with Oz and then went to bed for 2 hours I couldnt be bothered to get up. I wanted to be safe and numb under my covers

I got up, watched anime. Just monged out in front of anime. Had hot chocolate. yeah didnt do much. Just wasnt in the mood. I have no energy.

Jack came home, I did him pizza and made him lunch for tomorrow as well.

we had early baths as my brother was coming over to bring over Jack's switch and he stayed 90mins just catching up. 

going to watch anime and play switchs in bed

tomorrow is pokemon!!! new pokemon!!!!! Im getting scarlet and Jack is getting violet.

New green curtains

 Evening

so yesterday I had a mini heart attack as I started prepping the stew with jack after dinner, he had just been sharpening a knife then went to clean the blade. The next thing I knew, he was jumping up and down holding his finger! I shouted "NO!! you havent have you!?" I was in shock. He turned round so not to face me an examined the 'damage'. by which point, I had already burst into tears. yup. I was just that stable yesterday. Think it was the shock and panic. Turns out it was just like a papercut. Thank god. He had been lucky.

After we had dinner, we had a long talk about stuff to change in the house. Nothing expensive, just getting rid of some furniture and moving other furniture. We are changing the spaces, now we've been in the house 2 years we know what works, how stuff needs to function, what stuff we are needlessly holding on to. So its gonna be a bit of work but we wont do it all at once, just over a few weekends probably. we plan on moving bookcases, upgrading Oz's toilet, getting rid of a wardrobe (clearing out stuff in it we are hording) and getting rid of Jack's alcohol cabinet (he will use another cabinet for his alcohol) 

I had a bad night last night

everything aches, because it was day 2 of not moving my body

my stomach felt awful

I couldnt sleep cus I couldnt get comfy

I was up til 1am and felt utterly wiped out

Jack noticed I came back to bed at 1am and said to me "think you need to work from home tomorrow"

he said this evening that at 1am, I looked ghoulish and then this morning I looked like 'shit' XD yeah....I could tell stuff wasnt good.

If I had gone to school today I would have been pushing  myself and it wouldnt have been kind to myself at all. So I got up with Jack, did the stew, died on the toilet and then went back to bed. 

I had worked throughout the day simply cus it has been physically hard for me to sit at my laptop today so I kept having to break off. Its very annoying as I kinda want to just get my work done you  know

Mum came for lunch still

my curtains arrived this afternoon and after dinner my Jack put them up. I am in love! I am utterly amazed and impressed by them. I am very happy with them and looking forward to putting the other pair up eventually - when they arrive. But we are not putting them up until we have moved the bookcases. I do not want mould growing on my £100 curtains! I was grateful to Jack for putting up the new curtains this evening. Only a 15min job but he chose to do it instead of saying he was tired and do it at the weekend. He is also pleased with them

Oz has been in such an affectionate mood all day today. Both of us have had so much love from him. We love that bunny to pieces. I was watching Oz lick Jack's arm whilst Jack brushed him, whilst I was doing yoga. They love doing mutual grooming and i love watching it! my 2 boys ^^

So yes I did manage 45mins of yoga, well done me, feel a bit better for it

2 more sleeps til pokemon~

tomorrow

its school and I hoping I can go. I have sugar solutions to make up and i wanna do it. So I best have a better night tonight

Anxiety attack first thing in the morning, ordered new curtains!

 Evening

I did sleep better last night

but I was a mess this morning, I was anxious AF. struggled to get off the toilet, stomach felt knotted so sat with hot bag travelling to school, shed a few tears on the way to school. Walking into school I had an anxiety attack. My breathing was awful. Youd put me down if I was dog. So I was on the floor recovering. It did a real number on me. i dont feel I even got my lungs back to normal for the remainder of my shift, despite using my inhaler 5 times ><

Jack almost bought me home and was gonna work from home but I insisted I would be fine driving. And I was. I had got my shift done and got home. I need to give myself credit sometimes. My body is going through a lot and not absorbing my meds, I dont think I got much out my antidepressant as it felt like I very much couldnt cope with the day but I did it!

I had lunch with mum then slept for 2 hours

once up I ordered the curtains I was looking at yesterday and some much better quality ones for the living room window. Spent £145 on curtains T^T money we didnt have when we first moved in and bought cheap curtains. So I have thermal, black out ones on the way!

I then had a brew with Oz, prepared dinner for when Jack comes in I can just put it on.

got stew to prep and not sure what else as I am pretty dead

tomorrow is school, I hope to have a better day at school tomorrow and not an anxiety attack

Up til 3am looking at curtains

 Evening

ughhhh I was up til 3am T^T couldnt sleep, had stomach ache and Jack was breathing. I was up looking at curtains as Jack still wants me to magic up curtains for the living room. Yes we could get some made to measure for our patio door but its like £200+ and I dont honestly wanna spend that on some curtains

this morning I didnt feel too rough. But then once my meds kicked in I felt very tired. On the plus side I got to wear what I wanted for school so that was nice

I was mainly by myself at school but I got a fair amount of stuff done. I did notice towards the end of my shift that my legs were hurting tho >< I was disappointed as we went to the shop before school for some plant babies but sadly they didnt have any so we didnt even bother going round the shop. That was the highlight of my bloody day so I was disappointed

I got home and had lunch with mum and loaf. Oz frisked for everything he could get >.> such a pest that bun. I went to bed for 2 hours. I felt no better for that sleep tho I gotta say :/ 

once I was up I made some biscuits and started on dinner really. 

I had another look for curtains but still nothing really. It is hard

I havent done any exercise today but I have zero zero energy. Jack told me to just have a rest day. I just feel SO guilty doing that tho. But I guess no use pushing myself?

tomorrow is school >< and  my nails

Not absorbing my meds

 It's monday tomorrow T^T 

the weekend is always too short

I couldnt sleep last night, I had tummy ache and just couldnt get comfortable

So i got up for a bit and stuff, but only til like 11:30pm

I woke up at 9am and found both my boys in the lounge

I felt awful. Honestly really bad. Like I had woken up on the wrong side of the bed. My head felt a real mess. I ached too. I warned Jack that my head was a mess and to excuse any bad behaviour. I hated the way I felt. As soon as I woke up, I was in the bathroom, I ate breakfast and ran to the toilet again. 

So I worked out, the reason I felt the way I did - was because I had literally not absorbed my medication. I decided to take extra pain killers and extra anti depressant. And oh my god. The difference. I felt so much more myself. Such a relief. Think I would have had a very different day if I hadnt have taken that antidepressant.

I spent a good 30mins in the ball position on my bed. Getting rid of my tummy ache

so Jack helped me make my soup this morning and we had lunch

then after lunch jack was going round the house killing mould on the ceilings. We suffer from mould in this house. But the mould spray STINKS it smells like strong ass bleach and I personally cant stand the smell of bleach. So that spray is literal Jo-repellent. I went outside. It was too much. Even now at 8:30pm my house stinks still. Its slowly going, we had windows and doors open even in this cold weather.

I went outside and did some gardening with Oz, there was some big weeds that has been annoying me for like 3 weeks now. I found this therapeutic, I kept Oz outside cus the smell would burn his whiskers off.

we then went for a walk.

we came in and had a brew

then Jack measured up for curtains in the living room, mould has savaged the curtains and we need new ones but we had a very odd size. so I looked and looked online but no luck. I will keep looking

I made dinner  which was pancakes, two types as I have special pancakes. We were both so full

today, oz did something I kept saying to Jack will happen....he humped Jack! Yes!  I knew he would! he does it out of love not dominance but it was still so funny. Jack walked away from him, Oz got rejected bless him.

tomorrow is school. Ugh. soon comes round.

But its insec day so no kids and get to wear what I want. I have a cute outfit lined up~  

just hope I dont have another bad stomach morning

A day to myself

 Evening

I didn't sleep great, Jack says I keep falling out with my weighted blanket in my sleep. So I think I will have a break from it for a few days. I woke up at 6:30am when the alarm went off and got up with Jack. 

I had a normal morning with him until Chris came at 7:45am to collect Jack to take him comic con

I cooked my breakfast meat, put Jack's gammon on, cleaned Oz out, then was at TK MAXX at 9am. I did so well! I decided to go out by myself because it does me good to go out BY MYSELF. I am usually with someone and I dont wanna lose confidence in going out alone. I couldnt really be bothered but mum told me they had stocked up their skin care section. All I got from there was literally skin care! I did look at clothes but I didnt need anything and the stuff I did like i didnt wanna pay out for. 

I then arrived at mum's, I sat with her and my brother for a while and then I trimmed a very abusive truffle. She was not having it today. But I got it done....ungrateful sow

I then came home and bought Oz in from the garage, had lunch and decided to rest up in my bed for an hour. Once I was up I sat outside with my loaf. Got a bit of sun. cus it was 17c today!

Then I came in and started making a banana cake which turned out alright actually, did the washing up cus I didnt want Jack to come in to mess >< Then Jack came home! he was home for 3pm which surprised me actually

he'd had a nice time, hadnt eaten anything since breakfast bless him so he had some instant noodles and then told me about his day. All he bought was a new switch joycon cover thing as his joystick is drifting so he needs to take it apart and sort it. He bought 3 cute digimon keychains. That was it. He said there was still a lot to look round but was not the same as going with me. He didnt enjoy it as much and said he would want to go with me next time. He couldnt believe the price of some stuff tho

I then cleaned the bathroom,  made the dinner, did 30mins of yoga, then had a good soak in the bath. 

its been a chore heavy day but felt like getting them done out the way then hopefully have some time for myself or some time with my jack

I cant believe how much i miss him tho when hes not around, at the convention or at work. I think about him and miss him. He says the same thing about me XD think he said 4 times how he wants to go convention with me. that its better with me.

gonna do my nails tonight. Thinking of doing leopard print.

so yeah not sure yet what I am gonna do tomorrow yet. I have my soup to make but thats the only chore really.

here is a card I drew I think it was last weekend. its for Lizi for her birthday next month. she will be 32 and shes doing her teacher training

Jack going comic-con without me

 Evening

I had a bad nights sleep, throwing covers everywhere. Think about threw jack out the bed at one point

Working from home was dull, literally ended up doing my shift in the afternoon rather than the morning as my stomach was off in the morning, I was shattered and went to bed. But got all my work done in the afternoon. mum popped to see me

we did our food shop at 6:30pm as I need food, and Jack is out all day tomorrow ><

hes going with Chris to comic-con in birmingham, hes being picked up at 8am. I will miss him and it feels weird hes going without me. I am 100% fine with it and happy for him, he says he will be bring me back something too ^^

I have a whole day of chores ahead T^T

more engagement flowers

 Evening

Yesterday evening i did infact sleep! I had taken sleeping tablets I found in the cupboard and they worked. Proper knocked me out, proper deep sleep. Could have certainly slept for longer!

i ran out of time to do my diary yesterday. I decided to bring out half the stuff under the stairs and fill my craft room with stuff to put stuff away into my new boxes. Yeah I have no idea why I started that so late at night. Id had an alright day at work and stuff just busy

Then today, didnt sleep great last night to be honest.

school felt hard, so Jack arranged for me to do some work at home tomorrow, half it is more sodding training TT^TT but its technician training. At least it will be easier on my body and mind

I got home and had lunch with mum, then I did a bit of a work out which was doing weights for 25mins straight. I had an early bath and then had a brew with loaf. Then I sat doing more boxes. Quite exhausted and missed my afternoon sleep too ><

we're gonna watch anime and play switchs in bed soon, im shattered i have to say

tomorrow

work from home, see mummy and thats it really

oh today mum gave me flowers and a card from her friend shes known me since a baby, to congratulate us on the engagement they match the colours of my ring!

we're just so both tired

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, jack got up with me. We went back to bed at 10:30pm but I couldnt sleep. I also didnt have the heart to wake him again. I was up til 1am playing disgaea, anything to distract me from thinking about myself, my pain, the meeting i had had

I woke up at 5:50am and cuddled Jack a little bit but didnt dare fully relax as I was frightened of falling asleep on him and not getting up for school. So I did get up but god the temptation to just cuddle with him in bed for ages was so strong

so this morning I was shattered. I still went to school tho cus I thought I would improve

I noticed Jack was tired,  he wasnt his usual self and was runned off his feet bless him

i kept going but I had no brain power, I was shattered, i hurt everywhere and I had zero energy. I must have looked  like a pale zombie today

It got to 10am and I thought "am I safe to drive home" so I bought this up with Jack and he said "if you went home now could you drive" I said "im not sure" he said "right thats it youre not driving"

so the choice was he ether take me home and go school, so that takes an hour out of his busy day or I ring mummy. I rang mummy. She very kindly picked me up after my shift

I can not tell you how grateful I was 

I got home, got Oz in, put the chicken in the slow cooker, had lunch, bed

woke up 2 hours later and even then I found it very difficult to wake up

I got up and sat round with Ozwald

I then finished a couple of christmas and birthday cards

Jack came home, he was helping with the dinner, I made some banana biscuits, we were in the kitchen a while cus we had to prepare tomorrow's curry. 

we had dinner, Jack had a whisky with his

we were just so exhausted. I said to him that maybe we should have an early night, cuddle up with switchs and just sleep. I found medication sleeping tablets - very rare - in my cupboard. Jack says he will have another whisky and hopefully we will both sleep and feel loads better

we worshiped the loaf after dinner. He loves Jack so much. Jack once again was groomed

Jack took Oz to bed whilst I had a nice hot soak.

doing my diary then yeah, early night.

tomorrow is school

and i am so hoping I can go. Jack has arranged work for me to do at home if needed but I really dont wanna work from home. But just gonna have to see how I am >.>

please let us sleep tonight!

Had my meeting with two line managers and HR...

 Evening

I didnt sleep well last night, not surprised. Couldnt stop thinking about my meeting. I felt tired when I got up this morning and had to travel to school with hot bag on my stomach as I had sicky anxiety tummy -____- not the greatest monday morning I have to say. But this morning was my first morning of no social media. I sat doodling whilst eating breakfast and fussed Oz. I dont get to fuss him much in the morning as he spends those 50mins on the toilet or eating. so yeah I just doodled this morning.

So this morning we walked into the prep room to be pounced upon by teachers. So unfair and stresses me out so much. I was running round like a headless chicken trying to get practicals out.

we then had to go for our meeting at 10. I was assigned 30mins for said meeting. I was in there over an hour....I was SOOOO nervous. But the HR lady did put me at ease. he was trying to get out of me any changes to me health so in the end I said "Should I just reel it off?" and just went for it really. We laid out any changes we needed to make and what would help me and yeah. It was all very positive and it wasnt about trying to get me sacked. I felt relieved when I walked out the room. and very drained off life. I had a quick sit down, did a couple of jobs and went home.

I got home and filled mum and had lunch with her. Oz demanded apple from me (he robbed banana from me this morning) and then he went up to mum wanting her satsuma so he got that as well!! its very pressuring when hes in your face like a dog. beast. 

I had a sleep and when I woke up I had a hot chocolate, did 50mins of yoga whilst being sexually harassed by a rabbit. Id even cut him leaves to bribe him to not bother me. But he ate that and still had his way with my arm then hopped off >.> typical man takes what he wants of a woman then leaves XD 

I cooked bacon to go on jack's lunch so he has tomorrow on his wraps - pulled pork, sausage, bacon. Meat feast! I spoil him ^^

I then did dinner so it would be ready for when Jack got in which wasnt til like 6:20. cus of warhammer club. he appreciated the dinner and that I had done his lunch too. 

Oz had been waiting by Jack's seat for him to come home. Ate his evening carrot by Jack's seat and then showered Jack in licks and fuss. Wanted Jack today clearly as I havent had that kinda attention! bless him its very sweet to see tho. I made Jack take oz to bed

I had a boiling hot bath to burn those aches, now just doing diary. Its now 8:50pm and we still havent watched anime. Dont know if we might skip that tonight and just play on switchs in bed. Jack is just late doing everything tonight.

so today wasnt as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I will see what coming changes there will be at school. I feel after today I have a stronger permission to work from home if needed tho which is nice cus i feel guilty about doing that.

tomorrow is school

practical heavy day....

Bonfire night, bun sitting, meeting tomorrow

 Evening

I havent been doing my diary due to my laptop playing on the downstairs TV to drown out the sounds of fireworks from bonfire night, I did not want Jack reading my diary. He would die at my poor grammar.... But we've been Bun Sitting past two nights. To be honest I thought it was gonna REALLY bad fireworks wise this year as bonfire night - the 5th - actually fell on a saturday night not on a weekday

but it wasnt that bad. I have known it worse. Maybe its because people dont have the money for fireworks? thats all I can think of as the weather was good for it. Loaf was good anyway. He was going to bed later and loving all the extra fuss and treats. My face had been washed so much XD 

So this weekend has been ok. The whole of yesterday went to chores and cooking but it meant today was a lot more freeier for me. We did our foodshop I came out the shop and had a full on meltdown, tears the lot, all in the car. I waited in the car whilst Jack did the second shop. We got home and I hated myself. Apologised a lot for my stupid pointless childish outburst I still have at the age of 30. Jack never tells me off or tells me to get a grip. He is so understanding as says I cant help how i feel. In all honesty I have no clue where it all came from. I didnt feel right the whole day, like I hadnt had my antidepressant 

I didnt sleep well ether as I was in pain and thinking about my 'informal' meeting tomorrow. I know realistically it is nothing to worry about. But I cant seem to move past it and just keep focusing on it. I want it done and dusted. I hope i sleep tonight and not just worrying about it. Jack did a run through the meeting today with me and will be right next to me tomorrow during the actual meeting.

we did a nice 45 min autumn walk along side the woods this morning. Good job we did that when we did as it rained heavily in the afternoon, so I put my plants out for a water. I never did find any more plants to replace my dead ones but theres no rush

I sat and made a card for Lizi's birthday in december so it was nice to do some art today, I painted my nails yesterday too. I havent managed any digital work tho. Not been in the mood. I do enjoy drawing with a pen tho I have to say. Im tempted to sit doodling in the morning before school whilst eating breakfast as usually I scroll through art on instagram but I have to say for some time now, I have not been enjoying instagram its just so shite. really is. I dont post on any social media anymore. dont see the point in all honesty. But seeing what other put up is just crap. it really is. the whole 'reels' and 'tiktok' yeah, im out. I only go on intragram to look at bunnies and art but its getting old. I feel like doing something better with that 10/15mins in the morning whilst having breakfast

so I might do that. Whip out an old note pad and black biro and just doodle whilst eating. I'll sort that tonight. Im gonna challenge myself. Just decided. a whole week of no instagram (id say social media but i literally only have instagram) see if I prefer it

Jack is gaming tonight with Theo but has set an alarm to come off at 9pm as I told him I need him tonight in case I am worrying stupidly over school tomorrow

so I am gonna go sort that notebook out and play on my switch in bed. Not got long to finish disgaea4 before new pokemon comes out!!

2 plants died this week :'(

 Evening

I was having bad dreams last night, mainly about Adam chasing me and jack said I was thrashing in my sleep. The bed was tip this morning. I woke up 10mins before my alarm. Cus I have been sleeping with weighted blanket, my arms hurt from moving it around in my sleep!

I ate breakfast and died on toilet once again. But wasnt late leaving because i had got up those 10mins earlier! it actually helped this morning!

School was ok, still people congratulating us as they find out about our engagement. I got a lot done but god I was struggling to walk. I came to the conclusion that I would maybe benefit from working from home tomorrow. Id like to be able to walk at the weekend >< So Jack went through what work I can do and I have a shed load of online training to do that is overdue by 2 months.....heh woops. So that will be a lot of my morning tomorrow :/ 

I had lunch with mum and Oz. Went to bed for an hour, got up and had a brew with my demanding loaf of  rabbit >.> hungry and horny.....

I decided to do some jpop dancing for 15mins and got sweaty. I had an early bath and made sure to keep it warm for Jack coming home. I did his lunch for tomorrow, gave him pizza and cider for dinner and he ate that in pyjamas whilst watching anime. I look after him ^^ my dinner was alright. 

so I will probably have time to do something for myself tonight.

I am quite sad as 2 of my house plants have died this week. My bathroom leafy one that Julia gave to me died due to lack of water. Basically tap water browns the leaves due to chemicals in the water system but cacti dont seem to mind. So I usually gather rain water for it (hassle but I do it) or I stick it out in the rain. However we literally had over 2 weeks without rain and I also kept forgetting to buy mineral water from the shop for it. I could see it was withering so I fed it tap water. It went brown and shrivelled up....Next, my 2 remaining spiky cacti in the bathroom have had these little black flies on them for 10 days now. They seem to like my bathroom. So I suggested putting the cacti in the porch and hopefully we will lose some flies out the door as theyre so small the get swept up in the wind. I can pick them off the cacti due to them being very spiky. But my porch is cold. 1 cacti in just 3 days has shrivelled up and died. I am gutted and so sad. I feel a plant murderer. 

Jack says I can have more plants if I want :) But I liked  my plants. Some of mine need repotting too. I have since moved the remaining bathroom cacti back to his warm home of the bathroom. We have lost a good number of  black flies tho. I think cus I put my plants out for rain water time to time (only for a few hours never over night) I think something laid eggs in my cacti and theyve hatched as these black flies :/

tomorrow

I will be working from home then seeing mummy for lunch. 

Flu jabbed

 Evening 

I slept well and once again had trouble waking. Im wondering if its just the clocks have changed recently? It doesnt usually affect me tho.

We got up and did the wednesday chores before school. We were late leaving however as I couldnt get off the toilet. Had awful tummy ache

we were then in bad traffic :/ we got to school and went straight to the shops outside school for some ingredients for a practical and for a few bits for me for home! 

school was ok tho. Lizi gave us an engagement card which was nice of her and informed me of some alternative style bride websites as she said she wanted to buy me a wedding magazine but there was only e-magazines available...but she seems more hyped for my wedding than me XD I told her I havent googled a single wedding related thing as I am not in the mind set to get married right now. I will sort it as and when I feel ready for it

but because I was talking to people and doing other practical stuff I looked at the time 12:45pm....no freaking way!!! I hadnt even prepped one single lesson for tomorrow and I had 5mins left of my shift! so I quickly looked through with Jack and realised it wasnt much and I can sort it in the morning ><

I came home, had lunch with mum and Oz then I went to bed for just under an hour. Made a milk tea when I got up. I felt exhausted tho, the week is catching up with me I feel. I had zero energy and was hungry too. I didnt end up doing a lot and Jack was home early, he had a 30min sit then we went for our flu jabs. I happily told my nurse of my engagement whilst we she jabbed me and then did gave Jack his flu jab. She said we were both due for a asthma check up. Didnt realise I needed check ups >< but I felt ok after my jab I did so well ^^ I laid down for it and it always helps.

we came home, we were only half hour total and left Oz in the house he was good boy and demanded carrot as payment. I havent put him out again today as its been so horrible out there. Thats two days of house bun! he obviously goes in his cage to sleep in the garage tho. he'd live in the house 24/7 if he had his way >.>

after dinner I managed for the first time in over a month - to go on just dance! I did 3 slow songs and called it a day. I had a hot bath. I am struggling to walk now but I am half way through the week now, I can do this

tomorrow

just school nothing special. I just hope we both feel ok after flu jabs. I feel totally fine now but Jack says his arm feels heavy. I have had my sleeping side arm jabbed so I will have to try and sleep facing Jack. My weighted blanket has really been helping me sleep lately tho

We got round to telling more people our news!

 Evening

I slept well having vivid dreams, one about a ghost. Guess it was cus it was halloween maybe? My alarm went off and usually I hit off and im awake, im ready. This morning I turned it off and started to get back to sleep my body saying "you need more sleep" if it wasnt for Jack saying "come on Jo" I honestly dont know what time I would have got up/woke up....scary! People use snooze. I have never ever needed the snooze feature but I understand now why single people may need it!

This morning, my legs freakin hurt. Good god the pain. Really hurt to walk. I said to Jack that the only reason I was able to go to work was because I didnt have any practicals on.

we had breakfast and despite Oz having his morning carrot, he smelt me having banana, oinked over and JUMPED on the sofa between us! he never does that, and was in my face demanding he was to have my banana. Its very threatening my loaf! I gave him what he wanted and he hopped off the sofa, hopped off and ate it. Didnt see him again...user bun

School was ok I guess. We actually got round to telling more people about our engagement which was nice as so many people congratulated us and a teacher from yesterday had even been out to get us a card!! Its nice cus theyve watched us meet, date, move out, and now engaged. They have seen our whole relationship progress. 

so yesterday when I walked into the prep room, I said "it stinks" jack who still had a snotty nose, couldnt smell anything. I thought that maybe it was the usual funk of a school being shut up for 2 weeks. But today I could hear water and it was bothering me. towards the end of my shift I thought id check the freezer (having already used the fridge yesterday) and the freezer was full of water and warm.....it had broke. And the smell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of 2 rotting lambs hearts T^T dear god. So that was the source of the smell. The water was from it dripping and the bottom tray collecting the water and sloshing when we walk by it. so I was helping Jack sort that disgusting thing out. He changed the fuse and left it on to see if it worked. The back got hot but inside wasnt getting cold. So some element had gone. we need a new freezer! but that was grim. Then had to walk in the pouring rain to my car. so that was a sucky hour I have to say!

i dont feel like I got much done of my shift today as everyone kept talking to me and people were talking about weddings to me too, i had the freezer to sort. so yeah not a productive day but I was glad my legs held out. driving home was exhausting tho

got home to find mum had already bought my bunny in, we had lunch then I went to bed for just an hour today. I had a cup of tea with my loaf then I was in the kitchen for many many hours...

i made some treats for me to eat, I made Jack's lunch, I did tonights dinner also. jack came home and I served him dinner, I helped him prep for stew tomorrow morning so yes in the kitchen a long long time. I wasnt able to exercise cus honestly its bad right now. i am also shattered. So I just had a fuss of the bun with Jack, took him to bed and went for a bath.

that was my day

tomorrow

school and flu jab TT^TT dont wanna go >< buts its free as I have asthma so I should make the most of it. But my job also gives free flu vouchers. Flu jabs to buy are like £15! So jack is leaving work a lil early to get home earlier for flu jab cus hes having his also.

blatant begging isnt it

Happy Halloween!

I couldnt sleep last night. My stomach was HUGE, I honestly looked 5 months pregnant. I never let anyone touch my stomach but I let Jack touch it just so he could understand what was going off. It was huge and pressured. He felt it and said "its like a balloon in there!" it was so painful. I felt like stabbing it and letting the gas out. My whole intestine must have been blown up for my stomach to achieve such a growth. My skin felt tight. I was gonna take a photo but I knew if I saw said image, id cry.

So I was up til midnight cus I couldnt lay on my stomach it was soo painful. I waited til I was shattered so I could lay down and conk out right away.

We got up earlier this morning so we could get fuel before school. I didnt feel too bad about school ether. 

I checked my emails and I had the awful email saying I gotta have that absence review meeting >.> pointless exercise thats gonna be!

I did a lot today tho. We told Julia about our engagement too ^^ 

I got my practicals done, I was on good form today actually. I was topping Jack up with coffee to keep him going bless him. He still stayed for war hammer club, course he did

I saw mummy for lunch, she left at 1:30, I went straight to bed, woke up at 3:40. sweet jesus. That was my afternoon gone! so once I got up, I decided to make our salads for dinner and also jack's lunch for tomorrow. I sat and had my dinner with Oz cus I was hungry and I didnt wanna be up and down to trick or treaters during my meal.

I did some bun yoga for 45mins. We had so much time together. I love that bun.

I only had to answer the door 3 times cus we got heavy rainfall on trick or treat night!

last year we had so many children dressed up that we ran out of sweets! so I bought a few packs this year.

1st time answering the door, two young children dressed up with parents 20 metres behind them, all fine and polite

2nd time answering the door, a black 12 year old in hoodie. I answered the door "wheres your costume?" he said "it ripped" i gave him sweets as I couldnt be bothered with that one

3rd time answering the door, 9 13year olds. none of which were dressed up....I gave them sweets cus I didnt want to take the chance of having my house egged.

at that point I decided that that was blatant begging. am I wrong? if it was on any other day of the week and teenagers asked for sweets at your door youd tell em to do one. But on halloween its justified? 

Im not into that. At this point, I took my pumpkin out from the window and turned the lights off at the front door. But it didnt matter as it rained heavily and no one has since come to the door.

dont know if I will bother next year if its gonna be like that. so I now have a lot of sweets left. what a waste and pointless exercise that was.

I am disappointed cus if I am honest, I do like seeing costumes and I remember how much fun I used to have on halloween with my friends dressing up trick or treating.

anyway, I sat with Jack whilst he had his salad, I made a hot chocolate and we watched anime. then I had a hot hot bath.

so I didnt achieve anything with my afternoon annoyingly but I was shattered. cant be helped.

bit of a crappy halloween tho must say

tomorrow is school :/ 

That was October half term

 \evening/

So today is the last day of my October half term T^T

Last night, I was by myself. I sat and painted my nails, watched the first 3 episodes of overlord again, played on my switch in bed til 10pm. Yeah I had a good time by myself actually XD Jack said he came to bed around midnight but didnt sleep well as he couldnt breathe, hes full of cold :(

I got up at 8:30am which was actually 7:30am. But Oz doesnt understand and so had thrown his dish. He doesnt do waiting XD I let Jack sleep in. When I woke up I was straight in that bathroom, a repeat of yesterday morning!

I had a good breakfast~ I made myself a hot chocolate on the stove by warming almond milk, dark chocolate drops and coconut sugar. It was actually pretty good, heck I've had worse from cafes! I drank it along side banana cake~ what a breakfast ^^

I did 50mins of yoga as my legs really really hurt today so I thought this might help them, I thought wrong

I then sat cooking Jack's lunch meat, chicken for 2 meals for us and then Jack helped me with my soup

we had lunch then Jack fell asleep, Oz fell asleep. So I had no choice but to be quiet!

I sat making an account on Transcribeme, reading the everything about the damn sit -____- took me AGES cus I wanna take the 2-3  hour exam and hopefully pass the damn thing (english not being my strong suit) and then transcribe some videos! see if I can earn a bit more money but when I chose. Cus it would be nice to earn more money now that im part time. But theres no way I could work 2 jobs with my health being what it is. So for the last 3 weeks I have been researching these kinda remote jobs that you can do as and when you want. I have told NO ONE. In case it doesnt work out! 

I had a cup of tea outside with my loaf, he likes attention outside

we did the dinner which was salad, thats as most as I am willing to say on topic T^T

then I had awful tummy ache

every damn food I have eaten today be it snack or meal, I have ended up in that bathroom. My stomach is not happy. Why? Im on that damn diet what more does it want!? Right now my stomach is massive, skin stretched, painful, I feel sick and look about 5months pregnant. But nothing comes of it. I just have sit and deal with the pain. Its horrible. I feel sick and dreading taking my last lot of pain killers...I have put it down to nerves about school tomorrow. I am the same everytime after a holiday. My stomach has a nervous disposition I know it does. It's more bothered about school than I am! I have been keeping myself busy all day but my stomach has been hyperfocused on school all day.

I had a good pamper in the bath to burn those aches. My skin came out matching my hair - red

gonna watch anime and go bed

tomorrow is school T^T no fair. Next holiday is christmas holidays too. my worst holiday ugh. Dont wanna go tomorrow! Its also Halloween tomorrow! so I will be wearing a cute outfit~

but been the best holiday this year, we actually went out!!! and of course our engagement 

I just hope Jack is well enough to go school tomorrow so we can tell people together. I wont tell people without him.

Carved Pumpkins

 Evening

I whipped out my weighted blanket last night, forgot how good that sucker is! it felt so good on my aches to have pressure on them. Slept really well, got up once for a wee and that was it

this morning I woke up and straight away had to spend quality time on the toilet. It was awful. Not sure where all that came from. Jack weighed me and said I had lost 0.5kg since last week....he said "youre literally shitting yourself thin" I burst out laughing. He doesnt usually tell me about my weight

We went off shopping anyway, bumped into mum into the car park ^^ she was round the shop a lot with us. We did well shopping, I got new ankle weights ^^ 

Once we were home we unpacked and had a quick sit

then I sat cooking some meat, marinating some meat. Then Jack helped me clean Oz out. I cleaned the bathroom.  We had lunch. God I was done you know! I went to bed for a good hour. It didnt do much good but gave my body rest I suppose.

Once I was up we did a half hour walk as that was all i was up to.

we came in and I made myself and almond milk earl grey tea. Best one I have made. Its with different almond milk but I added more earl grey tea leaves and more sugar, actually made it taste so much better. I might be on to something there. 

We then carved pumpkins! originally Jack was like "I dont want a pumpkin" but then today round the shops he decided he wanted one....when they had zero pumpkins. He picked up a 69p ghost pumpkin. Its tiny. Fits in the palm of your hand. I said "you are gonna have a hard time carving something so small" but he got it. So I had mine which is the size of a large football and he had his mini ghost pumpkin.

I went with a happy goofy look which is different to what I usually go with, Jack on the other hand did so well! its probably his best pumpkin to date! I was very impressed. So they currently are looking at me with candles in.

I made a banana cake to snack on as I finally have dark chocolate drops to put in stuff! I also found a dark chocolate bar I like! so finally I have some 'decent' snacks on my diet.

I did dinner straight after banana cake

dyed my eyebrows and eyelashes. Managed to get dye in BOTH my EYES. jesus christ. Like acid. I was squealing and stamping my foot and pushing  my eyes into my skull. Anything to take the pain away. It luckily only lasts 10 seconds but its 10 agonising seconds

had a bath now doing diary with my lazy loaf who has nothing but frisked me for food today....

I plan to paint my nails later. Jack is gonna go game with Theo so I am by myself. I will then game in bed and hopefully sleep

tomorrow is my last day off....my last day of my holidays.....sad.....

I have plenty of chores to do like 2 lots of meat to cook and my soup to cook as well T^T my weekend to just goes to the house and chores....but I hope to do something for me. I still havent done any art work. I am not even sure what my excuse is.

I got red hair~

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, I ached and my stomach was a bit sore to lay on so all in all I could not get comfortable -_____- I was up til 2am cus of course I was

wanting to sod my diet and eat exactly what I want to eat

I just feel so unsatisfied all the time and miss food. No matter how hard I try with recipes the foods just arent cutting it for me. I was watching food videos, imagining what food must taste like. I miss carbs and feeling satisfied and full 

I woke up just before 9am

I didnt bother getting ready. I just ate breakfast and began cleaning the house. Jack didnt need prompting he just got on and joined in which was good of him. I was so dead after all that tho. Jack reminded me it didnt need to be done all in one go but I just wanted it bloody done.

we had a brew then lunch

after lunch I did my experiment! my expensive flours had arrived. Sadly the dark chocolate isnt here yet tho. But I had stuff to work with. I had a recipe for dough but i altered it to make it sweet and such. So  i made sweet chocolate rolls kinda thing. Theyve been the best thing I have eaten on this diet but cus I wasnt sure if it was gonna work, I only made four and ive eaten two! but cus its made with starch and therefor carbs it means hopefully they will give me some energy

mum came over at 2pm to dye my hair. I have red hair. I was washing it and the dye wouldnt stop pouring out! I thought  "did anything take to my hair!?" it washed out purple water, then red, then brown! I got the shower and yup. I AM RED. I swear im redder than on the packet!

we did dinner and had that in pyjamas. I have actually unintentionally had a pyjama day >< 

now I am just with my loaf who is full of beans today. 

I might put some songs on my ipod ready for school. God I cant believe after this weekend I am back at school! where did my holiday go!? its been a good holiday tho

we started watching a new anime today as we finished season4 of overlord. That is a solid series. I can not wait for series 5! I wanna watch the second season of Tonikawa cus its about marriage. But we will watch that one in the evenings after highschool DxD and we will finish that one this week

tomorrow

just food shop and chores T^T

We went Birmingham

 Evening

I was too dead yesterday to write anything. I had no brain cells left

we got up at 7am and put the stew on and Jack washed my hair for me - my  at the moment always looks crap and greasy as its due a cut and dye!

we set off for the train station, and went to catch our train

i was stupidly anxious and was a bit stressy. But it was just anxiety. I havent really travelled for 3 years

We caught the train and got seats thank god cus my legs are not able to support me for an hour standing

I shut my eyes for the 1 hour 15mins journey and Jack read

we arrived and I said I was mega thirsty and wanted bubble tea, not had bubble tea in 3 years and its also not really breaking my diet. It was soooooooo  good and refreshing

then we started looking at shops, we found the shops we wanted to go. The main one being Tokyo Toys. Jack said we werent leaving without something XD there was cute figures and plush but nothing really called out to me. I felt like I would be buying for the sake of buying you know? until I found one little bunny plush by itself!! I loved it. I said to Jack I wanted this one!! so thats all we got!

we were looking for a cafe to go to for lunch. We would be meeting Jacks sister for lunch, Sophie. I was trying to find a place to eat that did food I could eat. I was getting grouchy at this point as it HURT to walk and id had enough, i needed drugs and a bloody sit down

we found some where called Soho cafe. Jack bought me an earl tea but I was so thirsty I practically downed it. Didnt really savour ACTUAL tea. God I miss tea -______-

sophie turned up on time and we ordered lunch. i told Jack that no matter what I eat I will be breaking my diet as no where does paleo food. Unless you count a fruit pot. And i wanted something that will fill me for more than 20mins. So I chose a wrap and luckily it didnt have any sauce it was just chicken and veg so Id only broken my diet with 1 cup of tea and the wrap bread bit. So i didnt push my luck.

we left there after over and hours sit. My bum was going numb

sophie joined us for a bit. and we walked round a few shops

she left us as she wanted to go home and sleep

I said to Jack once she left that I am very much struggling to walk now, could we catch an earlier train home?

so we headed back to the station and there was a shop I really wanted to see Miniso it was full of super cute tat, all stuff you dont need but I could have bought A LOT

and the price!! how were they making any money!? it was dirt cheap but so cute and decent quality too. I got a pumpkin cushion, hair bands and clips. I wanted to study stuff more but we wanted that earlier train so we made a dash for it. We were lucky cus it was just 1 carriage and less stops but meant less seats! thank bloody god we got seats. I couldnt stand i was too tired and in too much pain

my home felt so far away. I just wanted to be home with my creature comforts. I drove us home as I could see the traffic was mounting, it was 4:50pm and I didnt have time for Jack's hesitant driving. I wanted us HOME. So I drove as I get the job done.

we got in and didnt stop from there as just because you go out for the day doesnt mean the house will run its self right! mum has been over and delivered my almond milk for me to try and stirred my stew too, checked on Oz. 

so we were doing mash for stew and sorting Oz and 1000 other things that needed sorting -___- I was shattered and hurting

I had a hot bath and Jack kindly massaged my legs for me which I think helped a lot.

I tried my experiment which was warming almond milk on the stove, pouring earl grey tea leaves and coconut sugar into it. Stirring it til it bubbled then straining into a mug. I have massively been missing warm milky drinks aka hot chocolate. And this wasnt too bad. My next experiment will be warm almond milk with melted dark chocolate drops. But I found something drinkable at least. not amazing but drinkable. Almond milk is an acquired taste

we fell asleep quite quick we were both wiped out. But we'd had a lovely day out together. We havent had a day out for AGGGEGSSSSSSSS 

This morning, I woke up at 8:30am, closed my eyes and next thing I know its 9:30am....

what the hell!? jack got up at 8am. So he sorted oz out thank god

I spent an hour doing yoga then cus I had sweated and felt grim I did go have a shower

then I had to cook Jack some meat for his lunch

after lunch we had to trim the fur round Oz's bum 

I did the shopping list and sorted other stuff out

I had reflex at 2pm it was soooooo relaxing. But because I had been so poorly lately I was expecting it to be bad and painful but wasnt painful at all and charlotte said nothing much cropped up, the best I had been!

I came home and made an almond milk tea

fussed Oz then I drove Jack for chip shop then bought us home, quickly microwaved my leftovers and had dinner. I do not know how Jack ate all that but he was very happy for that little treat. I want him to have a good holiday, I just feel bad I wont join in with take away. Well I cant right now on my diet anyway.

I didnt bother having a bath as I had a shower this morning and I dont want another one. Cant be arsed. Oz is going to bed in a minute

not sure what I will do between now and bed time. I could sleep I know that much.....

tomorrow

doing the dusting of the house T^T 

after lunch mummy is coming over and she says she wil dye my hair hopefully as god my hair looks a mess right now. Kinda gone brassy

I cant see me having any other outer city days out this year but going derbyshire and birmingham this holiday has been nice as we've literally not gone anywhere for 3 years! But now everywhere will start to get christmasy and busy. So I cant be doing that.

we said next year we would do birmingham convention. Its on next month but my cousin went to it in the summer and said it was crap. Covid had killed off all the stores so me and jack said we would give it a year to build back up hopefully. I would like to go manchester too maybe. jack keeps saying he would like to show me newcastle - where he went to uni