mummy brought me home

 evening

I actually slept really well. I didnt even notice Jack come to bed at 10:30.

I still felt absolutely drained and tired this morning

Jack then told me he got a phone call at 10pm from his step dad saying Jack's mum had been taken into hospital. She gets awful migraines, is medicated and sometimes so bad its like shes had a stroke. Of course shes had all sorts of tests over the years. I think yesterday she had had a pretty bad attack at work and couldnt move or something so her work phoned for an ambulance. She had to stay in last night and when I text her this morning she was still waiting for an MRI. Bless her. We will need to see her when shes out. I could tell Jack seemed worried.

On the way to school I was mega shaky and anxious. Anxiety through the roof. Why? what am I even anxious about? who knows!

The whole morning it didnt pass and I didnt feel that well to be honest. I was getting my morning done but at 11am I rang my mum saying I didnt feel great and didnt trust myself to drive. She came to pick me up when i finished work which was so kind of her I cant tell you how grateful I was

she had lunch with me and told me I looked better than what I did when I came out of school as she said I was white when I left school. She didnt stay long as all I wanted was my bed. My eyelids had been dark reddy pink all day.

I went to bed for an hour, woke up, didnt want to get up so I had a further half  hour

these naps are what are getting me through the day I am sure

I sat and had a brew and watched youtuve videos then I did a 30min workout, which wasnt hard I picked an easy one. Then I had a bath, Jack came home and I made a cake whilst he was in the bath. Im just cooking our food. We will watch Welcome to the demon school whilst eating - almost finished season 2 I LOVE IT

then hobby time I guess

My brother came to see me on his bicycle yesterday whilst I was painting in my craft room which was nice he was just stood outside the window whilst i painted and talked. 

Tomorrow is school

god i hope I can do those 4 hours 

got my aloe vera and a tigers eye crystal

 Evening

could I sleep? could I bob >.> I am so fed up, I woke Jack up at 11pm after I had already been up an hour. I just couldnt sleep. I felt so shattered this morning. I was glad I was stopping home

I thought I would run out of work to do from home. No. Dear god that took me longer than I thought! doesnt even look like I did a lot but it took ages! I didnt even take many breaks! I only just got it done! yeesh!

Mum came over at lunch and she brought the piglets ^^

I booted Oz outside for an hour as he had been in out since 6:30am >.> spoilt loaf

I repotted a plant, planted my brand new aloe vera that came today!! Its beautiful! and edible!

I also got my new shoes for mia's wedding! They are amazing and boost me by 2 inches I am not used to having height! 

She left and I went to bed around 2pm, I was drifting in and out of sleep for 2 hours.

it was bliss

to not be fully conscious for 2 hours, 2 hours not in pain, brilliant

I got up and 10mins later jack turned up as it was 4:10pm so we had a brew

then I did dinner which just needed noodles as the rest was in the slow cooker from this morning

I had massive noodle sweats!! I was dripping. Jack touched my back and regretted it XD

I managed to do 4 songs/20mins on just dance! I havent been on it for months! It felt good to go on it but I felt mega rusty! I still scored high but I could my movements were stiff.

I went for a bath then mum called to talk about a few things, 

I will go to do my 10mins of hobby time that will hopefully turn into longer as it usually does

I have also got to do some research, my mum's friend gave me a little stone bunny today. Its made of Tigers eye. I have never heard of this but it has good properties that I need to google. She bought it to say shes thinking of me.

tomorrow

school then mummy said she would come see me 

Had to be taken home.....

 Pon~~

So last night I ached like crazy and was not looking forward to trying to sleep, but somehow I did get off to sleep without having to overdose! that never happens. I did wake up several times to get comfy again. When the alarm went off I just felt like I needed so much more sleep

My legs hurt but I wanted to go school, if I worked from home I would end up being home alone for 11 hours and its a bloody long day!

So school was ok

I got A LOT done I was pleased with my efforts and more of my display work is coming along nicely. my body was starting to hurt but I only had 90mins left I knew I could get through this

But then head of biology came to me asking if I would give her a hand taking a display down. She asked me a few days ago that she would need help when shes free which is fine. However, I have to budget my energy at work and I had already spent my energy. But I didnt panic cus I thought I was just taking down 1 display.

no

it was 4 displays and putting up 1 display

so I was up down up down on the stool. My legs protesting. It was hot, I was sweating all down my back. My arms were hurting from ripping out staples 

I went to sit down and rest before I went home in 20mins time

Jack saw me and was like "oh god Jo, you do not look good. are you ok!?" I said "to be honest jack I actually dont feel well"

I was hot but shivering, my body hurt and felt shaky. I had pushed beyond my limit. I had done too much damage. Doing all that was not on my to do list.

Jack asked "are you well enough to drive"

and in that moment, I actually didnt trust myself to drive. I havent let things get THIS bad for a while. So Jack went to ask head of science if he could take me home and work from home the rest of the afternoon (would be more time effective to work from home than driving back to work)

We got permission and Jack helped me up. Boy did I need a hand up. My legs were like jelly. It felt as if I had fainted and was recovering from fainting. But didnt actually faint. I then had the long walk to car with a tired and shaky body

I was so grateful of Jack taking me home as my parents certainly werent around!

we got home, I ate and went to bed no messing.

I woke up and hour later and still felt rough. and still feel rough now!

I havent done anything all afternoon I have to say as I am not up to it. I prepped the stew with Jack that was it. Had a nice bath to help the aches and were about to do dinner. I hope after dinner my hands stop shaking so I can do my 10mins on my painting like I did last night. I am certainly trying my best with the '10mins hobby time' thing

tomorrow

no ifs or buts my Jack has said I am working from home ^^; thats me told

I have display work to do and stuff :/ mum says she will come see me

my Ozwald has had tummy ache all afternoon which worried me. I did what I could to help him and he looks a bit more at ease now. Has eaten, drunk, done poos so I think hes through the worst of his tummy ache. He looks a bit better bless him

finished a display and made up a cake

 Konbanwa~~

Man I had another bad night. i am so sick of it all. I couldnt sleep  just hurt all over T^T

I got  up for pain killers, and I am fed up of overdosing. Ever since Julia told me about people getting kidney failure from paracetamol overdosing, it has worried me to overdose on my medication - which contains paracetamol. I started to get bad thoughts so at midnight I woke jack up, I ended up getting teary but it was over the same usual stuff. I put it down to just being tired. We were up til 1am anyway

This morning I needed more sleep -________-

But i went to school

I worked so hard! I cleaned the prep room, I prepped, I tended to the plants, made some chemicals, I finished the display I was working on!! Finally! It looks really good I took a photo but I havent taken it off my phone yet. I had a good compliment from a biology teacher who walked by as I was finishing up, she said my displays are always amazing, eye catching and top quality. That the kids actually read and look at my displays. Cus I made them AIMED at kids. Usually teachers put up shed loads of info, boring facts and pictures and yeah its real dry and the kids just walk straight on by! Mine have drawn characters, bright art, meme's, short facts like 1 sentence long, no paragraphs or charts or other boring facts. Cute photos, and yeah I try make it fun so they will engage with it.

I left for home and it was pouring with rain! First rain in such a long time I feel! Like 2 weeks I think its been since rain.

I came home and briefly saw mum and caught up about her weekend away and then she left so I could SLEEP. I couldnt keep my eyes open. She bought Oz apple and he took a piece, scoffed it and sat by her feet for more as he could smell she had more apple >.> 

I had a sleep and felt a tad better but god all I wanted was pain killers. I wasnt due any but I needed them. I did resist. Some how.  I went on my laptop for a bit and had a brew then did a 20min workout 

I have also baked a 'cake' using up oats and cereal. Its a total mash up of stuff I have no idea what its like and I hope its cooked I was cooking it for like 40mins! But I am so fed up of the biscuits I cook each week. So I thought id try this as I am sure its probably similar to the flapjack recipe my mum has been making recently which is so nice. I am keen to try some! I do enjoy experimenting and making recipes up XD

I have got the dinner on now as I dont think Jack is far away now, dinner is easy just chicken and chips (always home made chips) and the chicken I cooked yesterday!

I will make the effort to do hobby time later. Me and Jack have said to each other - to motivate one another - every night 10mins of hobby time. Just 10mins. Last night it worked for me. I did 10mins of art!

Tomorrow

its school and I hope I can attend.

to say how much i have been on my feet today my legs do feel pretty good

piggies gone home and ordered aloe vera

 Evening

Man, what a night -______- I just could not sleep. Im sure doing yoga aggravates the pains in  my legs. Cus boy did I ache last night T^T I took pain killers at 11pm and 3am. I just was up for an hour, bed for an hour and continued to I finally slept at 4am. It was such a rough night. I actually sent Jack's phone a message at 3:30am saying "bad night let me sleep in, if I am not up by 8:30am could you please put the sows out, only if you feel confident enough if not they can wait"

I woke up at 9:30am jesus that my morning gone!

Jack had been gardening with Oz, hadnt had breakfast - he wanted to eat with me

he also kindly put the girls outside

he made me tea and had breakfast with me, hes so good to me

This morning I put chicken in the slow cooker to try this new recipe, but I dont think it needs to be cooked as long as it has been doing personally. But I hope it tastes ok and hasnt dried the hell out. 

I then cooked a load of meat for monday and tuesday so it helps me. and also my lunch time meat

I had a rest then had lunch

I went to lay on my bed after I had sat with girls but I ached too much I couldnt sleep

so I asked Jack if he minded going on a walk with me. We havent walked together for such a long time i actually cant remember the last time we walked you know. it was only a half hour walk but boy was it enough! It was good to get out tho I enjoyed it. Its sunny out but really breezy so its ok to be out.

I came in had pain killers and a brew, I needed something to get me going

I did 15mins of weights as I didnt feel like I had done enough today

then I sat for a bit and then mum came to collect her girls she had missed them but says she doesnt worry about them one bit whilst I have them as she knows they will be well loved and looked after. 

I enjoy having them ^^

She left with dad, they didnt stay just collected as mum will come see me tomorrow at lunch

I then cleaned out their hutch so it didnt fester

I will do dinner soon, got rice to cook - i havent done rice on the stove before just mircowave 2minute packet rice but I want to have a go doing rice properly you know? also got an omelette to cook as the meal doesnt look very big, its my first time doing it so I am learning

I will have a pamper later as i usually do on sunday~

Today I read about aloe vera, now I do know its suppose to be good for you for multiple reasons but never really 'studied' up on it but I read how its got lots of vitamins in it and good for the immune system and skin so I decided to order one online, you can by them from the shops but only certain types are edible so I ordered the edible one. 

I will give it ago, I have a feeling i have tried something year ago that was aloe vera flavoured and I hated it XD but it might help me? I literally try anything to help myself

tomorrow is school again

I still didnt do any art this weekend but I am to do at least 10mins after dinner 

another day of cute piggies - I need to upload photos!

 Evening

Last night I decided to cut the middle man out and just take an extra pain killer right off the bat. I just wanted to sleep!!!! Jesus christ i couldnt be doing with another night of being up. I slept through til 8:15, it worked!

I woke up to find jack and Oz together in the lounge bless them having 'lads time' he was happy boy, Jack helped me put the girls out I dont think he was confident enough to do it by himself. He then got ready and went outside to garden. I cleaned the loaf out he helped me. 

I then was trying to plan my meals for the next week. I had just about it done but needed one more meal. I usually do fish and chips on sundays but I have grown bored of it and also fish has really gone up in price. So I was searching for a new recipe and I have found one to try and its basically slow cooker chicken served with rice. Should be easy to do~ I wanted a rice dish but nothing too faffy but also have some sort of sauce as I dont want dry rice you know?

I then saw my Jack off as he was off to meet his friends in the city centre for lunch and cinema 

I had lunch by myself and then went to bed but I was aching a lot so I didnt get a lot of rest.

I got up and did 50mins of yoga with my loaf who just sat lordly on his plush pad >.>

I then cleaned the bathroom then relaxed with a cup of tea and watched youtube

I had my dinner and then took some cute photos of the sows on my sofa. Truffs didnt think too much about it. Jack came home and after he did the washing up we hit the shops. I had to drive as it turns out they didnt bother going cinema they went for lunch then 3 different pubs for drinks! I am glad he had a nice time, he wasnt arsed about the cinema plus its expensive. 

shopping was ok, with prices going up like crazy recently and me working part time (typically the two things happened at the same time) i have been trying to shop more practically. I think meals through more, I think where its cheaper to buy certain types of items. So I am able to keep our weekly shop to £60-£70 depending what we need each week. This week I got it to £55

We got home and I went for a nice hot soak in the bath as I was aching, I had bought Oz in and as it had gone past his bedtime of 7pm so he was falling asleep. I just took him to bed bless him. Tired loaf. I gave the girls their bed time treats - such spoiled sows - they have so much stuff 

I will watch anime with my Jack and do my nails I plan to do watermelon nails tonight ^^

then play on pokemon yay should be a nice evening and Ive done a lot of my chores today so tomorrow I am 100% gonna make an effort to do some hobby time. I suppose doing my nails tonight counts as art/hobby time.

I havent got much to do tomorrow

mum says she might see me or just pick up the pigs

got stung by nettles

 Evening

We did our own thing for about 45mins last night, I was watching youtube videos really. I needed to do something that didnt require much thought you know? We still watched rwby and played on pokemon. 

I couldnt sleep tho, it was so weird, the whole evening I hadnt been tired and whilst I laid there in bed - I still wasnt tired. Whats up with that!? Im usually shattered AF 

So I got up and took extra pain killers, stayed up til 11:30pm and then went to bed. I had to get up at midnight as my thoughts were still racing and I decided to wake Jack up as it wasnt good and he always says every single night to wake him if I cant sleep. So we were up for a while, well up til 1am. I took extra pain killers as the ones previous must have been sugar pills im sure. I fell asleep around 2am

so I had achieved 4 hours sleep. Even then this morning I wasnt tired. Just wired. I think my head is a real mess right now.

I went to school

i walked A LOT round school and my legs werent hurting. Usually by the first 10mins the ligaments behind my kneecaps are hurting and everything from below the knee cap feels like it weighs 10x as much. But that didnt happen today, really was strange.

I got a lot done and talked to people too. 

I came home and found piglets which was nice, I popped them out for 2 hours as its finally overcast today and only 20c. It was humid at school that building doesnt do draft. But it was fine to put the girls out luckily ^^ I put Oz outside and he was running round dead excited. He usually just loafs around lunch. 

I lazed around on the bed I couldnt sleep tho. I watched youtube videos and then my head was busy so I decided to do a work out and luckily GrowwithJo had bought out a new video today ^^

I did that and went for a bath

Jack came home and said he wasnt having dinner as the science department was ordering fish and chips at lunch for the trainee science teacher's last day. He says hes too full for dinner which is fine. Im still gonna do my dinner tho! I will eat his portion tomorrow as hes out for lunch tomorrow and probably wont want dinner again.

I might sit with the girls tonight, I will see how much they are enjoying themselves outside. 

Not sure how I will pass my evening tho I have to say.

Oh and I got stung by nettles today!! I went to pick Oz up from the path on the side of my house at 3pm and didnt realise he was sat on a bit of nettle. So 3 fingers got mega stung!! All up the fingers. It got me good and that was 3 hours ago and it still 'stings' more feels like strong pins and needles. I couldnt believe how much it stung! No wonder it makes children cry. I didnt say anything tho. Made a change to feel a different pain. But it has been years! 

tomorrow

got Oz to clean out and Jack is seeing the guys in the city centre for food then seeing Top Gun, jack isnt arsed about the film but I am sure he will enjoy the time with his friends. i havent got any plans really. See how I feel tomorrow

I get the girls again tomorrow

 Evening

So as Jack was gonna be gaming last night, and im always shattered at night, I figured I could go bed whenever I liked! So I was in bed for 8pm XD I decided to take extra pregabalin which I dont usually as I never have spares to take but mum said she was fetching my meds, so I would have 5 spare tablets effectively. I was playing on my switch and took my meds at 8:30pm I stopped playing at 8:45pm as my hurt - they were tired. I tried to sleep - - it did not take long! I slept through too! So, on a weekday, I have had...9 hours sleep!!!!!! this NEVER happens. 

Jack said he had come to bed at 9:15pm, so I must have fell asleep rapid!! As I didnt hear him come to bed or do his patrol of the house (checks every damn window and door) 

But this morning, usually on mornings were im not feeling 100% we have this debate on whether Jo is fit for work or not. But this morning it was very much me saying "I need to work from home today"

yeah I was not good. It hurt to walk and my body hurt all over to be honest.

So Jack went to school and I worked from home, I got my two pictures done (girl yesterday, boy today) for the reading science display I need to do~

Mummy came to see me for lunch and bought Oz some apple and me a piece of cake to share with her ^^ so that was a nice lunch and after I did her nails. She only lets me do her nails when shes going away or for an occasion.  Then she left and I rested by watching youtube videos, I potted a cactus, I made the girls hutch up and then I did a bit of a work out, had a cold bath, made biscuits, did Jack's pizza whilst he was in the bath.

Not sure what I will do tonight tho, not thought that far ahead. Its currently 7:10pm so yeah I have a bit of time to kill. Loaf is outside somewhere, I let him stay inside for a while bless him.

Tonight just anime and switchs

tomorrow

its school and I AM GOING, I wanna go damn it T^T when I get home I should find the sows in their cage waiting for me ^^

I went shopping~~~~~

 Evening

I slept pretty okish last night I guess, extra pain killers werent needed anyway so thats a bit of a win

This morning I wasnt sure what to do. I was so tired and done. I had nothing to give for the day. I would have pushed through but Jack put his foot down and told me to work from home T^T so he went to work and left me. I signed onto my emails for half hour then went to bed for an hour waking up feeling much better. I got back to work and was drawing away. 

I had lunch at midday with loaf. Then at 12:45pm my mummy took me out shopping round TK MAXX were I spent £117 and mum spent £75. It was a good haul, finally I was let out the house to go shopping!! I got soooooooooooooooo much I was very pleased. But we had been a long time and I was flagging but we got home and mummy had made cake yesterday so she had bought me a slice. I sat and ate that with her and had a brew

she was worried she had tired me out and I did feel a lil tired but not too bad. There was also all the bags at the front door to sort. She was worried Jack would be cross with her for tiring me out all afternoon and the mess of the bags, how much stuff we bought. With that she made her escape and Jack came in 10mins later from school

he saw me and the bags X3 i showed him my haul and gave him the goodies i picked up for him. I then hit a rather large wall ^^; Im soooo tired and my legs HURT  I told him I didnt think I could do exercise today. I didnt do any yesterday but I have enjoyed my afternoon out the house to somewhere other than school and food shop. i also got to spend time with mummy 

We did some mash to go with the dinner and had dinner with loaf

now I will go for a bath 

Jack is gonna go online with his brother tonight and his brother's friends. They are going to try and start a D&D game out. Jack hasnt played with his brother for 10 years. I hope they play nicely together.

I encouraged him to play with him as I know Jack really enjoys D&D and those two do nothing together so it should be good.

I will finish the work I started today as its almost done and i need to make up for that hour I went to bed! It would be nice to hang these pictures up tomorrow too.

Not sure what I will do for the rest of the evening

tomorrow is school

I hope I can go, Julia managed to go school today which surprised me. I hope the 3 of us can be together tomorrow. Then after school I need to make the guinea pig cage up and see mum for lunch and also paint her nails!

i just wanna be in a coma for a bit

 Evening

I did try to sleep last night but I ached too much so I got up til 11pm and took extra, tried again to sleep but wasnt happening. I woke Jack up and I was up til 12:30am with him I had tea and fruit loaf. I could have cried I was just so tired and wanted a 14hour sleep so badly.

I got up at 6am and whilst eating breakfast I had a txt from Julia saying she was poorly! Julia is never poorly! Bless her so we had her off today

at school we had 3 science teachers off!  stomach bugs are going round apparently.

I managed to get a bit of display stuff and I thought I had done too much work for it but apparently not enough! I have space! So I need to pad it out a bit. I saw Lizi briefly too. 

My morning felt like a hard slog. So tired and felt dizzy and a bit fainty I wondered if I had drank enough in the 26c heat.

i worried about leaving Jack at lunch time cus he would be eating lunch alone and the only technician I didnt want him killing himself off to please others. But he said he had an early lunch and ate lunch with some science teachers. So that was nice.

I came home, ate, bed. dead

I didnt see mum I was just so done. I downed a load of drink as I was still dizzy. After my sleep I sat and fussed Ozwald and I watched a few vlogs and then I rang my mum. She reminded me I always feel this was when I have increased my antidepressant or forgotten to take it. Just the way it gets me i guess. I need to get used to it.

I cut up all the veg for the stew tomorrow and for dinner tonight then had a cool bath, Jack came home and he had the bath whilst I cooked Donburi it was tasty

I havent done any art for several days now. Just cus I am so unmotivated and unstructured and tired and its hot and I can keep going with excuses but I do want to crack on with some, I have ideas I just havent had the will power to actually do them!!

I am so done, dying of a hayfever attack its 25c and yeah I just wanna be in a coma for a while. I cant be bothered with life right now

tomorrow

school, and hopefully see mummy

always demanding treats that rabbit

 Evening

I struggled to sleep I was aching so I was up with Jack til 11pm taking extra pain killers. I just wanted to sleep for 14 hours. I kept waking in the night too. I dreamed I took Oz to the park for a walk it was a very sweet dream Very sedate dream for me! I was kinda awake from 5am tho

I got up for school, my legs not feeling too bad but I was tired these antidepressants do a number on you. Oz was cobby this morning and I put him outside in the end. He had too much energy I think! He could go burn it off out there. I put shorts on for work for the first time this year. i did feel a bit on show with my bare calves but I tried to get on with it

My school hours were ok I guess. I was having to cut up nappies into little squares it has taken me 4 hours over 2 days. I was boring but a sitting down task I could do. jack kindly went through my written display work with me so he corrected my bad english XD I didnt get to say bye to him tho as I didnt see him for half hour and it was time for me to go home and I was shattered as it was, I wasnt gonna go searching for him.

I got home and ate lunch with Oz, who was looking round for a treat. I usually have mum over for lunch and she brings him a treat of fresh apple or banana. Mum wasnt here she was having her hair cut. But I had a rabbit looking for his lunch time treat >.> my mother has gone and got him into another routine!!! Bloody hell. So I had to go get him a treat!!! I passed him a piece of dried banana and he reluctantly took it from him, not what he wanted but would have it anyway.

I went to go have a sleep as I was done but the council start chopping the overgrown weeds on the other side of our fence so I couldnt sleep with that going off. I think I caught some sleep. I laid on my bed at at 2:45pm my door bell went.

It was mummy! Wasnt expecting mummy at all. She had been quicker than she thought with her hair appointment so she came to see me. i was glad as I was too tired to do anything so it would help break my day up a bit. So we had tea with Oz who kept licking my mums bare calves....

Mum left and I decided I would motivate myself and do a work out as I have a lot of bad thoughts about my body so a work out would help. I then had a cool bath and Jack came home. Hes gonna have a bath now. Then were having pulled pork wraps. I put the pork in the slow cooker and seasoned it to make it bbq style. It should be bloody amazing!

Id like to try do some art tonight as I havent done any for days now.

Tomorrow its school

mummy said she would see me for lunch

I hope I sleep tonight its quite warm

socialised for the first time in 3 months

 Evening

Couldnt sleep last night. I ached so much the bed was not comfy. So I got up and took extra pain killers, tried again to go bed but then I was plagued with self harm thoughts and at this point I thought it was best not to be alone so I woke Jack. He made me tea and fruit loaf and we stayed up til 12:30 I woke up a lot in the night. I got up at 8am

I bought Oz in and he was looking round for Jack is was very cute and I couldnt bare it any longer so I took him through to the bedroom to wake Jack up with. I told Jack Oz had been looking for him and I dont think Jack minded being woken by Oz

I cleaned the bathroom and got a txt from mia saying is 10am ok? So maybe I got the wrong weekend last weekend! I felt better about socialising this week than what I did last week so I said she could come over

we talked for 2 hours well she talked for 2 hours XD I didnt want to talk about myself and my dull life and my health so I let her talk about moving house, weddings, life stuff. It was good to actually socialise. Tiring. But good. I feel better for doing it as it has been 3 months now. But god I was exhausted.

Me and Jack had lunch then I flopped on the bed next to him as he played his switch.

Later on he went over to his family's house, I fell asleep for 40mins, mum came over to dye my hair so its all fresh now and I had a cup of tea with her. I have been a social butterfly today! 

Me and Jack had korean noodles which was good I am getting better at the recipe!

Now we gonna watch anime and play pokemon in bed!

Tomorrow its school ugh

Im gonna wear shorts! 

My legs hurt like a bitch. That dinner killed my legs off. I hope I can walk tomorrow. My head feels fuzzy I cant think properly and my sentencing when I talk it all wrong like english isnt my first language XD

head feels a bit messy and dead

 Evening

ahhh last night was 31c.....so hot. I thought I didnt have a chance in hell getting sleep, but I started my extra dose of antidepressant. Yup I slept. I slept like the dead. Jack even said to me this morning I slept well! I hope I wasnt being annoying in my sleep. he said he did not sleep well it was just too hot.

I woke up at 7am and got my loaf in, I left Jack to sleep. However, upon bringing the loaf a morning treat I noticed he had gone missing....he had gone to find Jack and woke him up by running into the bedroom T^T ahhh loaf I was leaving him to sleep damn it! So that was Jack awake. He was ok about being woken by Oz, said there was worse ways to be woken up XD

This morning I did feel deathy from reflex yesterday and also my head felt a mess. Like I could have cried but I also could have been horrible/mean and I would have enjoyed it. Yeah a real mess.

I decided to get on with my day

I cleaned Oz out

I did 20mins of arms and core workout

I had a shower

I went for my hair cut (the room was 1000c no windows or doors open I sweated to death) I didnt enjoy my hair cut and literally ran out the door, I asked her not to blow dry my hair cus I was so hot. I sweated to death. She had to lift my fringe from my forehead as sweat and stuck it down. 

I had a cup of tea then went on my laptop for a bit and then we had lunch I went to rest on my bed but ached too much to sleep. The whole whole day it has rained. So we have kept Oz in all day

I decided to repot my cacti so I sat and did that. Oz came to see and quickly took a bite out a new cacti T^T I was so sad, Jack chased Oz away.

hes a menace but i love him. Hes had it good today, always does well when its raining damn him.

I didnt do much all afternoon as I was quite dead to be honest. Jack has been doing hours of admin. I did dinner then we went food shopping and I felt done in from that. I got back and had a bath. 

This evening I would like to paint my nails

tomorrow

its fathers day tomorrow, I just gave my dad a bottle wine - done

I already arranged for mum to come over and dye  my hair and have some time away from dad and also I usually see her on a monday but shes got her hair appointment so I cant see her til tuesday so we arranged to do my hair on sunday. But then Jacks mum messaged today offering for us to go over for tea and scones which I would love to do but dont have the energy for that right now. I feel so dead and messed up. So i am gonna stay home and see mum. Its what I want to do. I need to put myself first instead of pleasing others. So Jack is gonna go by himself. 

I have some cooking to do in the morning

31c + upping antidepressant

 Evening

It was warm last night @.@ I was aching in bed so I got up and took extra tablets I was only up til 11pm so it wasnt too bad

I dreamed about karen again. My dream was me crying to her husband Si, asking him how hes able to be so strong as I am still upset about losing her. Yeah guess im still healing from losing her ><; 

My legs hurt this morning. i was so disappoints T^T I really thought I would be able to go to school. Jack told me all was well, to stay home and take it easy. I had got work to do but I just wanted to go school with my Jack.

Instead I worked all morning, and got my picture done

Ive been keeping Oz where its coolest, depending on where the sun is! So hes out in the garden as its shaded now. This country isnt able to handle 31c!! Hes been good boy and hasnt been panting much, think the trimmed coat makes a difference!

I had a quick 45min sleep after my lunch and Mum came over for a bit then she took me too reflex as Jack had my car. 

reflex was nice, most relaxed Ive been since errrm my last massage? so yeah it was nice and didnt hurt much at all! I almost fell asleep! She said my glands the make the stress hormone was bad and she said my body felt tired. yup thats me! 

Mum picked me up and she kindly took me to the garden centre as its on the same street. I picked up 4 baby cacti, cacti soil and a plant for my rabbit planter outside ^^ I was very happy but I had managed to 2mm long baby thorns stuck in 3 fingers from a cacti - I didnt buy that one thank god

but i needed to get the thorns out but needed twicers as they were so tiny, I could see my fingers going red and blotchy, I have had a bad reaction to a cacti before in my fingers. Luckily I got home and saw to that, took a while as they were sooo small! Jack was home ^^

we had dinner and sweated to death having dinner -______- then had a cool bath which was nice, I could have slept in that bath!! 

Jack has gone to game upstairs, I hope he doesnt die in the heat up there. But knowing him he will hyper-focus and not notice the heat >.>

As for me, god knows what I will do. Its too hot -___- just too hot. God knows how we will sleep tonight 0.0; 

Tonight I am upping my antidepressant. I currently take 3 tablets a day I am suppose to take 4 I have never taken 4. 4 is the max. once I have got used to 4 and 4 stops working. thats it. I will have to change antidepressant. SOMETHING I DO NOT WANT TO DO! So I have been very hesitant to up my dose as I dont wanna get to the stage of needing to change. I always always get to the stage were medication no longer works. But this has been the best antidepressant I have ever been on and this is my 7th antidepressant to. Venlafaxine. It stops the voices. I am worried about the side effects. it is gonna me VERY tired. always does when I have upped it. But its come to it. I need to.

Tomorrow I have got hair cut in the morning~ and cleaning Oz out too in the morning, maybe do the bathroom too. My biggest bestest thing to do tomorrow tho, it have a mammoth sort out of my cacti!!! going to be so much mess and repotting!!! Might do the food shop in the evening too

I was actually able to think

 Evening

Last night we had managed to get some free time to ourselves, however, as usual, I was shattered. So I wasnt up to much. So I said to Jack that I was going to go and sit on the picnic blanket outside and sit with Oz basically. I didnt ask him to join me as I wasnt sure how he wanted to spend his free time but he chose to keep me company! For 45mins we sat out just the 3 of us, Jack had his Pina Colada and yeah it was really quiet outside and it was really nice and relaxing. Jack really enjoyed it. And Ozwald. My goodness how many times did that rabbit run across the blanket!? he loves the crinkly sound of his feet running across it XD Then after 45mins he loafed, he was done. So I put him to bed and we came in to watch anime. I was more mindful in front of the heat lamp ^^;

I slept good again last night, I mean were in bed about 8:30pm again!

This morning my legs were pretty good, but I knew I shouldnt push it. The alarm had gone off but because I knew I was working from home I didnt bother to get up with Jack. I had an extra 45mins in bed which was nice!! Jack kindly made me a cup of tea when I got up tho ^^ Then he went to work. I got ready for work on time. 

I sat drawing and I got pretty far today and I worked hard too. My morning was a bit odd as at first I felt really anxious, like something bad was going to happen. But then once that passed i had this complete clarity. So odd and hard to explain but it was like I could think straight there none of the tired fogginess I feel EVERYDAY and I was there thinking "im like that everyday, how the hell do I think or get anything done!?" Today I felt like if you had put an exam in front of me i would have aced it. I could think. 

I didnt feel exhausted and tired. What has changed? nothing. Just fluke with my body. But god I would PAY to feel like that

mum came to see me at 11am for a brew and I told her about how good I was feeling

she left, I had a quick lunch then did one more hour of work as mum had come to see me during my 4 hours of work. I like to honestly work from home

Then I went to flop on my bed to rest, I didnt fall asleep I just needed to be quiet

I got up and bought Oz in, and as its 27c he had taken refuge in the back of the garage where its cool. Like coldest place on the whole property! I bought him in for a drink and things and then I decided to shave him. His fur has really grown and I want him to be as cool as possible. He was so GOOD. I was even able to hold him up a bit with his back feet on the ground so I could shave his tumtum, bless him he was so good and he looks much neater. 

He got a treat out of me and has been asleep on plush pad since. He didnt get stressed with me but he needed to rest it out XD

as I could feel my body flagging, yes sadly that good feeling was passing, I decided to do a good work out as I didnt do one yesterday and I wont do one tomorrow cus of my appointment. So I did 40mins and it was a good sweatfest, I can not wait for a cool bath!!

I made biscuits and got Jack's dinner on as hes chosen pie and chips for the first time and they take 35mins so its having the oven on for a while T^T on a hot day T^T

Then I will have a bath and then water my garden as its desperate! 

tomorrow

school, im hoping to be able to go. Then I will have lunch with mum then at 3pm I have reflexology to try and boost my energy levels. Jack will have nerdery in the evening so I will be by myself.

my legs and burns

 Evening

We were watching RWBY last night and I wanted to watch 2 episodes so it was like 35mins of TV time. During that time I sat with the heat lamp on my legs. I was laying there thinking "this is the perfect distance from the lamp, it feels so nice, I hope I can recreate this next time". We finished watching anime and I went to the toilet and Jack heard me say "whoops" he said "whats wrong? what have you done?" I came through with my pyjama bottoms down to reveal....slightly burnt legs ^^; yup that delightful feeling I was feeling in front of the lamp was actually my skin burning! it must have felt nice to me as that 'pain' was a different feeling to my constricting growing pains pain in my legs so it felt nice to me. Never once thought "maybe my skin is cooking" so I had red blotches on the tops of my knee caps. Didnt hurt and I wasnt bothered. I was gonna photograph it and send it to mum but through the camera lens it actually looked like a full on burn! so I thought I best not send her that ^^; 

We were in bed at 8pm I think it was last night!! XD so early! But we were playing pokemon together which was nice. I stopped playing at 8:50pm to go to sleep. I had nothing more to give yesterday.

I slept pretty well again last night til 5am anyway. No extra pain killers were needed

This morning tho, my legs T^T the burns had disappeared so it was a relief that I hadnt damaged my skin too much there! but i couldnt walk that well. I knew realistically I should stay home but I didnt want to.

I pushed myself to go to school, I just hate working from home so much!!!

School was ok, I had chris come see how I was, Lizi popped by too so I had social time today. But all morning for 2 hours odd I didnt stop. I was on the go and struggling to walk. I couldnt wait for a sit down but I just had so much to do. But after my cup of tea I didnt get that much work done to be honest. I was spent. 

I went home and had lunch with mummy and Ozwald. She keeps bringing him banana or apple and he loves it. so cute watching him run off with it in his mouth.

mum left me to sleep and I had an hour

then I got up for a cup of tea and some more flap jack mum brought over for me she made. 

I ordered her a new make up bag as she told me shes after one, hopefully what i ordered is ok.

Then I made Jack some lunch for tomorrow, did him tomato, bacon and cheese. Hes gonna love it but I told him its  a surprise, he will never guess hes got bacon! Mum brought me bacon over for my stew as I forgot to by some to put in my thai curry stew today so half the packet I cut up and mixed in the stew the other half I laid on top of the stew to cook in the slow cooker. 

I havent been able to exercise, my legs are struggling so much so I decided to have an early bath and have dinner in our pyjamas. So I went for a bath then Jack came home and hes in the bath now. We will  have dinner, hobby time, anime, switchs in bed.

tomorrow

i gotta be real and admit defeat, i need to work from home tomorrow T^T I dont wanna but im gonna have to. mum says she will pop in and see me tho some point in the day :)

I shall try not burn my legs tonight, even tho i feel like sawing them off

Green Nails

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night ^^ Jack played on pokemon next to me too :D

I got ready for school, despite sleeping I still felt tired T^T

School was ok, but I was so scatty, I could not think straight at all. It was frustrating and I must have looked crazy going from task to another. I think I got my jobs done tho. 

I got home and had lunch with Ozwald, Oz who decided to make a break for it out the lounge, found him upstairs!!! I cant remember the last time he even attempted the upstairs!! I had massive sweat on in case he had found Jack's computer cables...luckily it all looks intact 0.0 He then was mounting me in front of mum -______- 

Mum left me and I went to sleep for an hour, felt no better. Once I was up I had a biscuit and caffeine but nothing was helping, I started doodling but wasnt happening I just couldnt focus so I pretty much just monged out on youtube and then I did 15mins of dumbells as I cant do much more with throbbing to death  legs

jack came home, we prepped stew for tomorrow and then we did dinner which was easy and so damn good we would have it again.

Now I will go for a bath then maybe attempt some art with the rest of my evening? I am pleased with my first green nails, green isnt a colour I wear but I wanted to try it. They came out well

tomorrow

school really, about it

up til 2

 Evening

So my Jack got home at about 9:15pm, but didnt come into bed for another hour as he had a bath and then said he was hungry so he was sat in the lounge snacking on chocolate and crisps...I was trying to sleep but my body hurt and I couldnt get comfy at all. Jack gave me a quick cuddle in bed and just dropped off to sleep. He was then thrashing in his sleep, grinding his teeth, mumbling and talking. At 11:30pm I got up for extra pain killers and stayed up til midnight, I crawled back to bed and tried again.

failed.

still couldnt sleep cus of pain, and Jack. Honestly. So I was up taking yet more pain relief that I didnt want to take but I was getting desperate. I was up til 2am I was up in 4 hours time

god I felt so rough this morning. I needed sleep so bad. But I got up and ready as I didnt want to work from home. 

On the way to school I told Jack about my crappy night and he said I should have woke him. But i hate waking him up.

School, was quite hard. I was busy. I just had a lot to do. 

I told mum not to come have lunch with me as all I wanted to do was sleep. But on the way home I decided to drop in on her, she was happy and surprised. I had a quick milk hot chocolate and sat with the girls who are so fluffy and soft!! Tilly already has a grass stain T^T

I left and came home for lunch with loaf. I went to bed leaving him on plush pad but I could hear him thudding, which isnt like him so I went through to him and he was one unhappy bun. i couldnt get him from behind the sofa he was thudding like mad. So I went outside to check for cats etc but nothing. I eventually got Oz and he had been panting so much he made himself sweaty under his nose. He had been really stressed and upset so I stayed with him to reassure him then we both went to sleep for an hour

I had a cup of tea with him then i did some weights, then started cooking the dinner, took me ages to do dinner and Jack's lunch. Jack was late home as he was late leaving, I was glad I had already worked out. Dinner was so nice tho, then I went outside with Oz to water the garden. I had a cuddle for 15mins on the bed with jack as we havent spent much time together lately so it was nice just having a quiet cuddle together. He loves me very much ^^ I love him very much to he is my life ^^

I had a bath and now just doing diary. We will watch RWBY then play pokemon in bed. Jack hasnt played pokemon for over a week but he says he will join in tonight as hes been playing that boat game. I have over taken him on pokemon!

God I hope I sleep tonight. I need bloody sleep!!!

tomorrow

school really, about it. I hope I can go as my legs hurt like a bitshhhh~

Bichi.Mao entry

 Evening

Couldnt sleep, what else is new? was up til midnight with Jack

I slept through after I had extra pain killers but Jack made me set an alarm for 7:30am >.> cus he needed to get up and leave. He told me to stay in bed but I knew if I didnt get up and have breakfast with him then I wouldnt see him til he climbs into bed tonight! so I got up and bought the lad in, he can never wait to lick my face when I pick up out his cage in the morning. Usually Jack brings him in first thing in the morning so he likes it when I do it for a change ^^

Jack left me, and I could tell he was a bit worried about doing so but assured him I didnt feel as bad as yesterday. 

I was 'suppose' to see Mia this morning but she didnt txt me and I didnt txt her. I was secretly hoping to not have to socialise today simply because I wasnt in the mood and was short on energy so I didnt txt her but if she txt me I would have accepted that I would need to actually socialise. But at it goes I spent the morning alone. Well I spent it with Ozwald

I got my picture finished for a competition on instagram for Bichi.mao I know I have no chance in winning but mum and Jack said I should at least try. You can win a new tablet and seeing as mine in 12 years old I thought I would give it a shot.

I have no confidence in drawing cats tho... I tried to keep it in the style of Bichi.mao by using the same colour palette 

My brother came and picked me up at midday and dropped me off at mums. I then had lunch with mum then dad came home. I sat and sheered truffs, it was the first time I used Oz's clippers on her and I thought she would hate it but she seemed to enjoy it! she was shutting her eyes!! it was so strange she must have felt so relaxed. I obviously scissored her face. I thinned Tilly's fur out as hers in long and dense round the rump. Then we bathed them both. Mum was very grateful. The girls were so good they didnt fight or squeak throughout the whole pamper. And now mum says theyre all fluffy and sofa and truffs is purring, she must feel much better

Mum dropped me off and I went to bed for an hour I was so tired but in all honesty it did nothing for me I felt no better afterwards and so I had a brew with Oz once i was up

When I had that I decided to cook the sheer amount of meat I had got to cook, took me almost an hour to cook it all! I also made Jack his wraps for his lunch tomorrow in that time. I then did my dinner as I was quite hungry after being round food for an hour! I was so full afterwards tho @.@ 

Its now 6:30pm and Jack hasnt even left his Nan's in Birmingham yet and thats almost 2 hours from us then hes got to drive 30mins from his mums! Lord knows what time that guy is gonna be home

After dinner I ordered some skin care to try that was on offer. I am always going to have skin and so I store stuff away I buy it in when its offer. Especially if theres stuff I wanna try!

I feel like I need to do some sort of work out as I did nothing yesterday, my muscles are so tensed up too so I feel I need to do something you know. I am trying to have a bath last minute so its not stone cold when Jack gets home but I am wondering if he will even have time for a bath at this rate!! I want my Jack but I am glad I am not there I would be in so much pain and mega stressed about getting home and getting into bed on time.

I will probably watch something on tv tonight so I can sit in front of the heat lamp and have a hot chocolate and I will have a pamper once I am out the bath too

I will probably play pokemon in bed too~

yeah today hasnt been too bad, better than yesterday

tomorrow

it's school, my legs are killing me now so I really hope I can manage to go school tomorrow 0.0

we have our new acid cupboard so we need to sort that tomorrow and I would like to be there to help. I also dont wanna work from home so I am going school i just hope I can manage it!

before after

 Evening

We were up til almost midnight because of me. I hurt. As usual. So Jack came to bed at almost 11pm after gaming and then had to deal with me -______-

I got up at 8am after having a dream about raiding a werewolf monster lair and finding myself at a spooky house belonging to a vampire and then the vampire wanted to marry me and wouldnt let me go. Like something out of a teen novel isnt it XD Jack didnt get up til 10am

By which I had got ready, cleaned Oz out and cleaned the bathroom. I hadnt really bothered with breakfast. I wasnt hungry and I couldnt be bothered to make myself anything ether. Once Jack was up I went back to bed. I felt so done with life. Really couldnt do life today.

I got up and had a BIG lunch to make up for my lack of breakfast. But it did nothing. No energy still. I tried to draw. but it was all just an effort. I went back to bed.

I got up and had a cup of tea with Jack who has gamed all day really. I managed to sit and do some drawing, Oz picked my spirits up. I wanted him earlier but he was so content in his fresh hutch I didnt want to bother him. I googled my house and the photos are still online from when we bought it and me and Jack were having a flick through as the house and garden looks totally different we have done SO much. Honestly. It boosted my mood. I can tell my depression is ruling life right now.

Here is our new front door too~

I made biscuits and now Im doing dinner

I say dinner, I told Jack I dont want to sit and eat a meal. I just cant face it. I am also not in the mood to cook. I know he would have cooked if I had asked him but I just want any of it tonight. So I have whacked a pizza in the oven for him and Im gonna have a warm cookie and milk hot chocolate as its better than nothing and will hopefully give me a sugar boost.

After dinner we are going to go and do our food shop for the week. Then have baths.

Im not sure if I will do any exercise tonight or not but I would like to do my nails.

tomorrow

Mia is coming over at some time in the morning. And at some time in the morning Jack is going over to his mums and then theyre taking him down to birmingham to have a buffet with his nan and his cousins family. I was obviously invited but I am no way up to that. Not only do have zero energy right now to look happy for people and make conversation, I cant sit in the car for that long then sit uncomfortably at his nans house for hours and hours. Cus yeah he wont be home til like gone 9pm probably!

so its day by myself really tomorrow but I am fine about that and I dont want Jack to miss out on family time cus of me.

Garden so far

Evening

Jack got home at 9:15pm and went for a bath and sorted himself out, he came in the bedroom and I was trying to sleep at this point as it was nearly 10pm and I was nicely settled. But he kept talking to me whilst getting dressed. In the end I said "can we talk about this tomorrow?" he said "yeah yeah sure" as he wasnt getting the hint that I didnt want to talk right then!

I slept really quite well to be honest much to my surprise

I got up and didnt care how my legs were feeling - i was going school

School was ok, I mean I was struggling to walk but once I had finished my prepping I sat and did display work and got quite for with it actually, I was happy with my work effort today.

I left school and got home, I had lunch with mum and Oz and she bought us both a slice of cake from yesterday ^^ so happy!!! 

I wanted to go round a shop aimlessly, I wanted to go round TK but I needed to be realistic. I was struggling to walk but I could a little. So we went to a garden centre. I didnt walk round all of it and told mum when I needed to leave as theres no where to sit down obviously. I picked up a baby cactus to replace the one that died in my Viridian forest the other week. It was only £1.49 and ive rescued it. I liked it in the shop but now as I look at it, its looks a lil like a garden weed! all well XD

I got home and went straight to bed for an hour and woke up feeling crippled. I ached. I wondered if doing a bit of exercise would help. No. I did do 15mins of weights but it was making me hurt. I ran a bath and soaked, Jack came home and I let him have the bath whilst I got dinner ready. I was determined to get him on time to his nerdery session. He was only 10mins late. So not bad

I went out to water the garden and Oz just watched me water his kingdom. Hes still out but I will put him home soon. He likes to be in bed at 7 and its 7:30pm ill see how he does

I am by myself again tonight but its fine I dont mind. I might draw, I have got to do my meal plans and shopping list.

tomorrow

chores and were gonna do food shop in the evening as we're busy sunday. About it

here is the garden so far anyway. The corner was just mud, 1000 weeds, few massive bushes and now its a 2 tier rockery garden. I kept forgetting to upload the photo. The grass seeds needs to fill in a few areas yet

Pokemon Psychics and my depression

 Evening

So we had tears last night

I got to bed and could feel my legs throbbing and I also was having so many thoughts. One being my favourite part of the day is bed - sleep - being out of pain, not having the think, not having to do anything and keeping up. My best part of the day in not being conscious. Thats not right is it? I thought "what do I want in life? what makes me happy? what do I want to do? why do I endlessly suffer to have nothing good happen. I cant walk, I cant go anywhere. whats the point in life?"

My legs hurt

I would have cut them if I knew it would have helped. If I knew it would provide relief. So that was a self harm thought. 

I cried

Jack realised I was crying.

We got up and there on the sofa I confessed everything that way weighing on my mind

that I havent been happy for many months now

that even why I draw and stuff, I dont get any joy from it. I just do it. I go through the motions. almost like a job. I like working out but I get set back like my legs. so even when I am trying to help myself my body fights back. 

I made it very clear I was happy with my Jack and grateful for everything he does. I didnt want him to think I was unhappy in life because of him. No way. Love my Jack and I couldnt go on without him.

We had a piece of flap jack mum bought over and a cup of tea and went to bed around 11:30pm I was awake til gone midnight as there was a police helicopter looking for something. Jack was well off. 

I slept apart from that and the alarm was needed. I needed sleep

I got out of bed and my legs felt like an octopus has strangled and constricted my legs with growing pains. That was my first stand of that. I couldnt walk could I. I couldnt go to school. Not like this. But i wasnt 100% sure what I would do from home

Jack went to sleep

I went to work at my desk, I kept re-doing things, I changed designs. I could not think straight. I was getting frustrated. I went to bed and woke up 2 and half hours later at midday....WTF

when did the last time that happen!?

to be honest I came to terms then that my depression is bad, I think it has been getting bad for a while now I just wouldnt accept it. I felt poorly today like mentally poorly and the affect that has on the body. 

I got up and had lunch quickly then went back to work. I managed to get a bit done but dont feel i was that productive today. Wasnt my best effort. But I guess I wasnt feeling my best.

I managed to finish my next pokemon piece and I think I will leave it there with pokemon for a bit and draw something different.

I bought Oz in for a drink and something to eat and then mum came to pick me up. Oz sat on the sofa and I sat with the pigs on my lap. I told her about last night and how I think its just my depression and that I dont want anymore mental help. 

I checked my phone as I was a bit anxious about Jack. He would be driving to his mums from school by himself for the first time. I txt him asking if he was ok and he rang me saying he just got back to school after having a massive heart attack - driving to his mums to find the main road closed and he was unsure where he was driving then found his way back. he said he would ring his step dad and ask the way. He then txt me to say he was gonna have another attempt. He did it. So proud I thought he would do it. 

She did dinner and I ate dinner with mum and dad it was there 32nd wedding anniversary. Mum had made a cake - excuse for a cake. It was so good I struggled to finish it but I sure as hell shoved that last bite down me. i was happy I had managed dinner without getting stressed out as I felt stressed out and out my comfort zone with it last night

It's 8:30pm Jack hasnt left his mum's yet! He's got a bath here waiting for him XD ive had to do the washing up and my medication. I hope he gets back ok. I told him not to rush and that I was totally fine. I was home safe and Oz was home - he had such a lovely time hopping round mums garden I bet hes shattered.

tomorrow

id like to be able to go to school

i dont fancy another day from home

I told mum id like to go somewhere with her after school, she said she would like to but to see how my legs were first.

I am gonna hop into bed and play pokemon

went to school and my loaf

 Evening

I had to get up for pain killers and was up till 11pm but I slept from there. Needed more sleep tho -__-

I wasnt sure what to do today as once again my legs felt pretty good from the heat lamp but I knew they were far from 100% so I didnt want to push myself. I also wasnt sure what work I would do at home. I wanted to go school in a way just so I got get my 4 hours done

I made the decision to go

my worst decision was my clothes tho. My work top is fitted and I wore leggings. So a fitted outfit basically and all I could all day was how fat I was and how my clothes stuck to me and I could feel them, making me feel fat and conscious. I actually felt quite stressed out with this. I confessed it all to Jack when we were by ourselves. He has said I can wear one of his uniform tops tomorrow as he obviously wears a bigger size and he says to wear joggers. Less stress and comfier. It was a good suggestion from him ^^

I got my day done, pretty much just did display work so it wasnt that bad. I was mainly at my desk. 

I came away and felt exhausted. Mum came and had lunch with me and Oz. 

My loaf~

The guy came to look at the pavement and when he left at 2:30pm I went to bed for an hour not intentionally it just happened >< so I hope I sleep tonight!

I got up and made my self a tea and then made biscuits

Jack came home and we did dinner

I told him that I am exhausted, my legs are hurting and I am  not sure if I can exercise tonight.

I feel bad not exercising but my body is tired

I will sit and do some drawing probably

tomorrow

school and I hope I can go but I will have to see how I am. 

but it will be a different evening as Jack is going over to his mums for dinner - I was invited but I dont have the energy for that. Mum then offered for me to have dinner with them as its their wedding anniversary and shes making a cake. I was sold on cake. So were both going over to our family's house to have dinner! just a bit weird how thats worked out.