ditching the egg

Yay another week done!!

I went to bed with strong anorexic thoughts
thoughts of having to weigh myself in the morning and how fat I was
just relentless
i was determined i wouldnt fall victim to the scales in the morning

I slept pretty well last night
was a chore to get up for school
Oz used me for a treat this morning
i was able to be strong and not weigh myself

i got to work and just wanted to get the day done really
the day wasnt too bad
but my god my blood pressure felt really low
i was doing a lot of sitting down work today
and i did a display board which just needed things tacked on
but every time i lifted my arms up i felt the blood literally drain out of them instantly 
its like im not pumping blood hard enough well enough
so i did take it easier today as i didnt want to pass out
i have 4 practicals to look forward to on monday tho -__-

i got home and had a brew with Oz and cut the girls claws
the lovely job that it is to do
mum found the blood pressure machine for me
i had ago and it said I had high blood pressure! i said "its probably from cutting the girls claws"
cus that stresses me out XD
im gonna do it as soon as i wake up tomorrow
i had an omelette too

i went upstairs and fell asleep til dinner
i had got stomach pains i think from the egg so i was trying to crawl up into a ball and i ended up falling asleep
apparently answered my mum that i knew it was dinner time but in my sleep!
so she had to physically wake me ><
i had dinner
then i went for a walk and then did physio exercises

i dont think egg is agreeing with me
so im gonna ditch that one off the menu for now and i have a go later down the line
at the weekend i hope to try bread

im having my hair cut tomorrow!
thank god cus i can not see
and it needs a tidy
then i think im gonna go over to jack's for a bit he needs stuff and we need stuff for work also
i MIGHT get my ears pierced depending on how well i feel
then i'll be home in the evening

i am struggling with my thoughts at the moment
and my mum has said if i need to go and hypnotherapy then they'll support me with it
but i dont want to go 
i hope i'll be ok
but we shall see
mental health is an awful thing

Introducing Eggs + fainting at work

Evening~~

So yesterday I got up and ready for school

At the moment with my current diet I have noticed my medication is hitting me hard
so when I take it at 6:50am its usually an hour later I feel quite sick
then around 9ish I tend to feel a bit spaced out and dizzy
but what can I do but continue on?

so yesterday at work I was feeling dizzy and stuff
I was on the floor next to jack whilst we looked at stuff online for science
the phone rang, i got up to answer it and never actually answered it...
next thing i knew i was on the floor in the prep room
luckily it was just me jack and chris
jack got chris to phone for the nurse -___-
when she came wheeling the wheel chair in i said "you called the nurse?"
he said "course I did, you fainted!"
so they revived me and a couple of male science teachers walked in, saw me
one of them the nurse got to make me a cup of tea XD
jack was saying i should go home but i told him i didnt want to
id had enough of this happening and had enough of being poorly and going home
so i said i wanted to stay

so i basically had sitting down jobs to do all day
and jack told me what he was doing and where is was going and that i wasnt to get up
i said "but what if someone comes to the door?"
he said "sod the door you stay there"
so my day was a lil dry and very hard work as i felt like death and looked it apparently 
i had both male teachers asking how i was later on
one was surprised i was still even in school

after school finished i went over to jack's house
as i had been promised since monday an actual white hot chocolate
and that was what had been keeping me going all day
knowing we'd pop out just the two of us an have a hot chocolate
i told him "we get in, we get dressed and we go out dont let me sit down cus i wont get back up for a long time"
so thats what we did
and the hot chocolate was soooo nice and it comes with a hand made chocolate too
so good
we brought some chocolates to snack on

jack cooked dinner i didnt help as i was just dead
but it was the day i was introducing egg to my diet
and i just had the 1 egg, my stomach hurt a little bit but im putting that down to shock XD
then i just sat with him and theo
theo had been gym and i commented on how defined his leg muscles were looking
but he told me he needs to lose more body fat for other areas to look more defined
he then went on to say that woman can have a higher body fat than men and look thinner
so he googled this, and googled different body fat percentages on men and woman
so i was looking and jack kept trying to change the subject until he took an interest in his own phone and kept looking at me
when i went downstairs he followed me and cuddled me
i was like "you alright?"
he said "i just didnt like you seeing that sort of thing, it worries me. what with how your head is. i just didnt want theo showing you stuff to do with weight and fat and stuff"
he worries ><
i said "Im actually doing pretty alright it hasnt started any thoughts into action and i dont feel the need to overdose to get me through the night"
he seemed relieved
i went to bed about 20mins before jack as he was finishing clearing up after making soup
and i slept really well i think cus i was just so dead!

this morning i got up leaving jack in bed
after my shower i motivated him to getting up
i didnt feel too bad this morning

we got to school and i was feeling off and stuff 
but ive just got to get used to it
we're all hoping/thinking that when i start eating some actual carbs and more food i should be better and it might give my tablets something to be absorbed by
i keep having anorexic thoughts, like a part of me wants to continue on with the diet just because i have the possibility of losing more weight but i know i cant stay on this diet even if i wanted to as i would start to make myself sick.
just fed up of the thoughts really

i got home 
felt like an achievement completing the school day
i got Oz out straight away
and he sat on my knee straight away
we'd missed one another i think

then i went yoga
i didnt mouth off and even demonstrated for karen
it had nothing to do with the fact she had a special mat facing her mat just for me ^^;

i got in and made an omelet for dinner
egg again but ive had stomach pains so im wondering whats up there
im gonna have egg again tomorrow
i also made biscuits 
got all my stuff ready for school
unpacked stuff from jacks
doing my diary and its 8:45pm
i havent stopped

still last day tomorrow
then weekend of freedom!
introducing bread at the weekend! 

Introducing Food - Milk

Konbanwa~~

I had work yesterday
managed the day surprisingly well all things considered 
i mean i did have 1 moment but that was all
and that was me literally telling jack
"if i hear how fat i am one more time im gonna go mental"
cus yeah Jo's anorexic thoughts are still here to stay for the time being
and id had enough
it was starting to get me on the band wagon but i distracted myself with something else
I mean jack did reassure me that, of course, i am not fat
if anything i should feel better in myself for losing a few pounds
not want to lose more >.>
he asked if id stay over and to be honest i wasnt bothered
i was fine going home
but he seemed pretty set on the idea
saying we could go for a hot chocolate
now considering the chocolate shop shuts at 5:30pm, i needed to go home for my stuff first and I dont get in til 4:30pm and I needed to get to his and walk to the shop
i kinda thought "yeah he hasnt thought this through"
but i was waiting for the penny to drop
turns out it didnt drop til i was actually at his house after school and he said "shall we go out?"
i was like "its shuts in 5 mins" XD 
he looked disappointed and said "i have that instant stuff in my cupboard but you dont like that one" and looked kinda down but i said
"i was waiting for you to realise, but ive come to spend time with you not for a hot chocolate"

so in the end we just had a play fight and made food and watched anime
easy evening
i could feel my thoughts kicking up
so i took an extra codeine yes i know i shouldnt but it does fog up the mind nicely
he was annoyed at me, especially cus it meant by 9:30pm i was no good to anyone
we crawled into bed and i fell asleep on him
it was an early night for jack as hes usually in bed for midnight
but he didnt seem to mind

i got up this morning and felt groggy
but extra pain relief does that
i pay for it come my morning pain relief cus my god do i feel sick
i was walking into school looking like death with jack
he looked at me and was like "you sure youre ok to be here"
i said "its fine jack just a bad bit of morning sickness is all"
he said "dont be too loud saying that! i do not need those kinda rumours" XD

school was alright
i was sure to see chris
i thanked him for his guy talk as i said jack had opened up to me finally
i printed off my grim reaper picture and put it on the freezer everyone loves it X3
i made mischief of myself where ever i could
but got today done
and im doing really well
usually on a monday I AM DEAD for some reason mondays kill me
its my busiest day - biology wise but i did have a lot of running around to do and today as well but i am actually alright
dont know if its cus im actually processing food better
who knows
but i aint complaining

when i got home I saw Ozwald and had a brew with him as per usual
missed him this morning
hes alright tho
we've had molly a year now can you believe!!! mummy mole we call her X3
i did 35mins of yoga before dinner
then i have my physio ones to do yet >.>
got my stuff to take to jack's to get ready as well
as im staying over tomorrow and we are going to the hot chocolate place straight after school 

yesterday i started to introduce foods into my diet
ive chosen to start with milk
as ive been having it in my tea for a week now
but i actually drank a glass of it
i didnt die
but i will keep doing it for another day or so
so im drinking it today
and then tomorrow i am trying 1 egg 
i can actually start having different foods! 
ive had the odd bit of chocolate like chocolate drops in my biscuits so i think im ok with that
jack says we can have a hot chocolate and maybe some chocolate treats tomorrow X3
i just hope it all sits well - mentally - with me

so yeah school tomorrow then jack's
tomorrow lesson wise looks pretty quite again 

Grim Reaper Chibi

Konbanwa~~

I went to bed at 9pm
i went to bed feeling quite sad for some reason
maybe i was lonely
who knows

So nice to wake up naturally
no alarm or family to wake me
I woke up at 8:45am
went to put the pets out

then whilst they were outside I cooked off the turkey stakes for the week
and did my soup which has like everything in it XD
Put the pets away and used mum's little trick with Oz
he has learned that when the girls go home in the morning, he gets a treat - from mum
i thought id see if he'd do it for me too
so i shouted him
he ignored me
i rattled the treat box and he came XD
mum has got that rabbit whipped

i did some dancing and yoga and physio exercises which took just over an hour
i was hot and sweaty but felt good to work out
i had a shower then had lunch
after lunch i just laid on my bed for a bit my body was just tired
and i stayed there for a few hours i think

mum and dad came home
mum spoke to me whilst i laid on my bed
then we went downstairs, i got Ozwald and she opened her gifts and cards
she loved what i had gotten her X3

I went back to confines of my bedroom and worked on my grim reaper picture
which I actually got done!

im pleased with it
i was originally gonna do blue glowing round him but it looked naff so i left him how he was
im gonna put him on the biology fridge at work

had dinner then got stuff ready for school
my stomach feels knotted up and mentally im not quite right
like anxious or something not quite sure really
dont have anything to be anxious about i dont think
i hope i can sleep tonight
im gonna do my nails tonight, planning on doing butterflies 

Truth & Fears

Evening

despite it being a friday night, Jo was in bed for 9pm
Id had enough!
I slept pretty well too

This morning I got up at 8am
and saw the pigs downstairs
I went to clean them out at 8:20am whilst my mum and dad were still here
they left at 9:10am
i knew my dad wouldnt be able to get my mother out the house for 8:30am
and the sheer amount of stuff she took with them 0.0
unbelievable
only going for ONE night
but still they left
so I had my breakfast in peace and quiet

I did 30mins of straight dancing which I enjoyed
then went for a shower
then I made some more biscuits as I ate mine X3
i rested on my bed for a bit but got a txt from jack saying he was on his way
so i decided to have some lunch

he arrived and we sat and had a tea
i popped out to the garden centre for work stuff but they didnt have what we needed
we came back and i said "we can book japan if you like"
so we started looking and got up flights and such
took it slow and things
and i could feel jack tensing beside me and he just came out with "im scared Jo"
and he cried
yup he cried
i was a little taken back at first but was quick to put my laptop on the floor out the way and gave him a hug on the sofa
and i just held him whilst he got off his chest everything
and i mean everything
stuff hes held in for such a long time

it was basically 
he hasnt been abroad as an adult
he scared going to the other side of the world
to a country he cant understand the language in
i've been off with him and he cant work out why
he worries something bad will happen
he cant face driving as it scares him
he was scared telling me all this
he didnt know how id react
he was scared of letting me down
it alllllll came out
and i was fine
i was fine with it
he was upset and i just talked to him gently about stuff
i told him i can wait for japan
that i knew i was throwing him in the deep end
that i will take him in my car to practice first to get over that fear boundary
that im not disappointed 
and that the fact of him not telling me all this has been hurting me as i havent been able to understand him and he seems to put more effort into the things he wants to do. whereas its because hes been too scared to do the things i want to do with him.
but because i didnt know his feelings on the matter it just looked to me like he couldnt be bothered. but really its because its all out him comfort zone.
i said he lives in a bubble
i felt like crying myself as the sheer amount of sadness and disappointment that radiated from him as i held him, like being an empath XD i felt like i could feel it

he said he felt much better after talking about it all
and i did too in a way cus i had been hurting and i wanted him to know it had hurt
that made him cry once more
i told him it makes me feel like im not important and he confessed im the most important thing in his life and he loves me so much. he'd do anything for me but hes scared
he said he wants to make a plan for this year
that maybe if we just do a small European holiday this year to start him off
 he says he wants to do better

so yeah not what i expected to happen
but that to me felt better than booking japan
as he was actually honest with me
i did tell him i was annoyed he'd held this in for so long without saying anything
and hes not to do that anymore as it hurts me and its not fair
but now i know and understand things and im glad
and im actually not upset about japan which is surprising me
im fine about it which im finding odd
but yeah im sure we will go at some point
we have the rest of our lives i guess

after all that i declared that we needed a brew
and i could tell he felt better
he said he hasnt cried in front of anyone in many years
and then we got up and went to the shops for wood to burn
cus thats how i work XD

we went to The Range and brought chopping board and wooden spoons and stuff
we had dinner when we came in tho as i was feeling hungry
the we got my pyrography set out
and i taught him how to use tracing paper but i ended up free hand drawing for him
and he burned pokemon into wooden spatulas which he enjoyed
and he said he enjoyed doing something creative with me even if it was just following a line with a pyrography pen. it was nice time spent together
then he went home

so i feel in a short amount of time a lot happened
im glad i know whats going off with him now tho as i was finding it hard at times
and im sure we will go on holiday together at some point
he said "im not as brave or as strong as you Jo" i never considered myself ether of these
but he seems to think so 
i said "yeah but i break down all the time"
he said "you get up everytime and keep going and tackle whats in your way"
maybe i will rub off on him in time
he says he does live in a bubble and needs to come out of his comfort zone
so we shall see
maybe things might change now hes confessed all to me

its 8:30pm
i am tired
dont think i will be late in bed tonight
tomorrow my parents are coming back around 4pm
it is mummy's birthday tomorrow she will be 55
i have her gift sorted anyway
probably dance in the morning
and do some art in the afternoon
got soup to make as well
and turkey stakes to cook for the week

Completed another week!!

Evening

I took an extra codeine last night
never done that before
made me feel really quite sick
it fogged my brain quite nicely which was what i hoped to achieve

I was a bit achy from yoga this morning
I got my breakfast ready, leaving my biscuit on the sofa arm
came in with my brew to find Oz eating my biscuit -____-
the git
I sat with him on my knee whilst i tried to eat my breakfast

school was alright
i got there 10mins early so decided to start and finish early
i walked in and it stunk of fish
it was the dishwasher from cleaning the fish board
just ew
and it was lung dissection first lesson too
and whilst all the other teachers had been very clean with their dissections, i walked into luke's lesson to find him letting the students stab the lungs he said "welcome to the serial killer class" that didnt bother me. what did bother me and disturb me however, was seeing a piece of lung floating in a beaker of water....
i said "whats that about?"
he said "to prove it holds air and therefor floats"...ew
whats even more gross is that he said "if you squeeze it bubbles comes out"
i was about to vomit at that point
too early in the morning for that level of grossness 
i cleaned it all away ASAP
id had enough of seeing body parts and blood

i felt drugged up when my meds landed
my god i felt drugged
not sure if it was because id had extra the night before or what but yeah i was not good
i kept trying to do stuff tho
i got a lot prepped and i even got a display board finally finished as i just havent had time or the energy to put up a display board
it looks good as usual~

i was ok with jack today
he said hes coming to see me tomorrow after he has posted his passport form off
i said "do i not get a choice?"
he said "no"
well
so i guess im seeing him tomorrow then at some point
my parents are away tomorrow til sunday for mums birthday
i was quite happy to spend the weekend in my own little bubble

i left 10 mins early
got home and had a brew with mum
cut the chicken up and then i did 20mins of dancing which was nice but i was really bad at it but i know thats because im so tired
i was still glad i was able to do some dancing tho
then i showered and got in pyjamas
i have my physio exercises to do yet tho

not sure how i will pass my evening
tomorrow my parents are leaving at 8:30am
so i will make sure to be up for then
i will be on pet duty

so glad i was able to complete the week
its such an achievement each and every time 

chocolate chips

Evening~~

I slept okish I guess
was awake before my alarm anyway
Oz was going mad for a treat off me this morning
and considering he'd helped himself to the girl's food yesterday
i was not prepared to give into his glutenous ways
besides he never begs me in the morning so i dont know what that was about
he sat on my knee whilst i tried to eat my turkey pieces
then he eyed up the banana and coconut biscuit on the sofa arm
my biscuit I made and had previously offered him on other occasions and on all occasions he has not shown any interest. but this morning as i wasnt giving into him it was like "no gonna get me a treat i'll eat your breakfast then" and helped himself to my biscuit!!!! 
the git
hes eating loads past few days
but he is shedding his coat so whether that has anything to do with it i dont know
and god knows why hes shedding mid way through winter

anyway school
back to back bloody dissections 
christ it was relentless
so much blood, scalpels 
but luckily the lungs didnt smell
the fish did
but the bag of 4 pairs of lungs...ugh all in the same bag
looked like something from a horror scene and i put i gloved hand in and grabbed what i needed
so so gross
but i managed to walk into lesson when the teacher just started dissecting it was good to see as gross as that sounds but she knew how to open it up and show you it all
what did slightly creep me out was when she cut into the lungs was the sound
like wet cake or sponge
dead weird
but i was knackered running around and washing up and getting stuff back out
yeah i was dead

i asked jack how he got on at the pub with chris yesterday
he said it was good and that chris said he needs to do better
i said "what do you mean by better?"
he said "do better for you otherwise youre off"
i just gave him a wistful smile
later on i said to him "we could technically book japan this weekend if you wanted to"
he looked worried and agreed
i said "if you dont want to go NOW is the time to say"
he said "no no i am going. its just, im scared"
i said "well im gonna be bricking it on the day so dont worry"
he said "i feel better knowing i have you there tho"
i said "ive never been dont rely on me"
he said "im not relying on you i just know i couldnt do it alone, having you there makes me feel better"
but i kinda thought to myself i wonder if this is why hes been dragging his feet when it comes to japan, that hes scared. i personally have problem with him feeling scared as like i say i know im gonna be scared on the day and stuff but i just wish he'd voiced this at the start so i could have understood that he was finding it hard to look at japan cus its out of his comfort zone but because he didnt say i just thought he was being lazy and once again leaving things up to me

ive been hungry all day
like from the moment i woke up
so  i txted mum before i came home to say im hungry
and i had a lot of food when i came in and made some biscuits too
more banana ones but this time......i put in the mixture.....
some chocolate chips!!!!! oh yeah X3
technically i shouldnt as of yet eat chocolate but it was a tiny amount and i only eat 1-2 biscuits a day so its not gonna break the bank so to speak
it was literally cus i had nothing else to flavour them with as i ran out of raisins 

we went yoga
there was brand new people
and i decided to mouth of as karen tends to hold back when theres new people
so easy prey
she however make me do harder positions 
but eh Jo never learns XD
then came home and had food

tomorrow is friday
thank bloody god as i have had enough
need the weekend to recover 

plan on treating myself to double codeine tonight, never tried it but i will be fine
i counted today and i take per day 17 tablets
11 are actual medication 
the other 6 are vitamins
its true what jack says - i rattle when i walk 

Anorexic thoughts once more

Konbanwa~~

I treated myself to extra pain relief last night
I slept and could not be bothered to get up this morning
which isnt like me

Oz didnt come to sit with me
but mum came downstairs at 6:55am to make a brew
as she said she'd been awake since 4am
she came and sat with me and Oz and started ranting about dad
i didnt need it at 7am
but i took it
lately they have been arguing, mum just isnt happy
and its becoming a strain on the whole house
im glad i have my brother to talk to

I got to school
drove through some real thick fog
i was alright with jack
i wasnt totally in the mood for him but got on with it
i could tell he was concerned and trying to work me out

school was busy with dissections
i was clearing up fish left right and centre 
tomorrow theres the last of the fish and the first of the pig's lungs -___-
gotta love biology

chris came by and asked jack out for that drink
i felt a lil anxious about it all but i let them get on with it
they were going for an hour after school
which cheered jack up as he was a bit disappointed how i was staying over tonight
glad im not
its freezing so his flat would be freezing and im not in the mood for it all
i have a lot going on my mind right now

as i was leaving jack gave me a hug
and i asked if he was ok
he said "yeah just let me know if your evening isnt going ok"
i said "what makes you think it wont be ok?"
he said "considering youve been taking more pain killers the last two night im guessing things havent been going well" 
didnt realise it gave the game away so much XD
he said "please talk to me if you need to"
i said "no"
he said "ok"
i said "well, maybe"
i dont like rattling everything off all the time and he worries enough as it is
besides half my issues is him!

i got home and had a brew with Oz and mum
i got stuff ready for school 
did my physio exercises which is getting old now
had dinner
and went for a walk
and just got back

chris txted to say it went fine
and i asked jack how his hour at the pub went and he said fine
chris says he has no idea i know about anything
so yeah worked out well
and i will see how jack is tomorrow i guess
im not expecting anything but it will be good to see if a guy talk has any effect

something happened last night that made me feel sick to my stomach
for months now my anorexic thoughts have been pushed to the back of my head some what
its been nice, peaceful
i mean i still constantly watch what i eat, but i have been able to eat more 'bad' things and not suffering all night with thoughts about how fat i will become.
i havent had the need to burn off what ive eaten.
i still havent liked my reflection
anyway, so last night that door that has been closed for months, opened a bit...
i dont if its because im losing weight and its seen me in a my moment of weakness and thinks "ah ha i can have her" 
i was hoping i was done with the anorexic thoughts, that i had moved on 
i had suffered for years with it
and im sad to see it back
i told mum like an hour ago, and shes understanding and said i need to keep talking to her and not bottle it up
ive told her i need to watch myself as i dont want to fall victim to it again
i introduce foods on monday anyway so maybe it will shut up again
its not nice tho
it hasnt been on full blast mode its just little whispers at the moment

im gonna have a wash and get into pyjamas 
might do some drawing but theres not a lot of time before bed and im tired
tomorrow is school and yoga

here are some more products ive been trying out

1 year school anniversary

Evening

I did some dance practice last night and got pretty far
but how much i can remember is yet to be seen!
I took a stronger dose of pain killer last night as I just didnt want to feel for a while
i went to bed but got up around 10pm for a wee cus 
i was off my tits, my god was i high XD my usual medication has been hitting me hard
so stronger stuff really went to my head
it was great

i got up for school it was another minus morning
and another morning were Oz couldnt be bothered to sit with me
he just sat on the opposite end of the sofa

today marks the day that this time last year i started my job at school!
how time flies and how much have i learned! 0.0 my god
never thought id be doing a job like the one i have
but im happy here and its the longest ive stuck at one place too

I got to school just on time
i saw jack walk in with some female member of staff
i crossed the road and chris was there so i walked with him
and walked him to his office and stood chatting
he's brought a house for himself and his wife ^^
jack was txting me where i was so i walked down to the prep room
to my cage 
i couldnt be bothered with him tho 

he confessed to me he has no idea how to book a holiday
and i said to him "i havent asked you to book anything i just want you to look where you want to go and to do your damn passport"
i dont know what he thought i was asking of him
i feel, like always, im doing all the work anyway
he kept giving me bits of affection here and there but i didnt return it nor did i want it
not wanting it right now
not in the right frame of mind

chris came into the prep room office to sort jack's computer out
and jack was in the prep room so we could see and hear him
but i decided to talk to chris about my relationship 
how i wish jack would try harder and the fact that every time he says "ill try harder" and just doesnt is starting to hurt. 
i found out his wife is born a day before me X3 how strange

i saw the fish dissection which was interesting to see
i saw the gills which wasnt what i thought theyd look like
i cleaned up as soon as the lesson was over and took the fish heads to the outdoor bin
no way was i letting it stink the prep room out
got it twice tomorrow tho
i handled the day better than yesterday tho

chris txted me when i got home as said he was surprised i confided everything i did to him and the fact that jack was right there. but i said it was nothing i hadnt really told jack before besides he was probably oblivious to it
i said i just dont know what more i can do
he txted back saying "he needs a guy talk, thats what im getting from this. i need to take him for a drink after school"
i said "im not sure whats involved with a guy talk"
he said "its a slap on the arse and a direct 'fucking sort it out or shes gone'
i said thats exactly what he needs i think
i dont want to get anyone involved with this as it is for me and jack to work at
but to be honest that could actually help
as im getting a bit low with how little effort he makes at times
i chose to talk to chris cus i wanted the male perspective as my friends just seem to take my side on it and slag off their male counter parts.
we shall see

tomorrow im suppose to stay over at jacks
but i dont want to
i dont want his affection and also its gonna be freezing over at his flat
so im gonna stay home he doesnt know it yet tho
he asked me today "are you staying over tomorrow?" i said "dont know yet"
but all of today hes treated it like i am staying over by talking plans and dinner
but i never actually said i was staying
i'll tell him ether tonight or in the morning

tomorrow just another day at work really
2 fish dissections, potato practical, and other fun stuff im sure

What a cruddy monday

Evening

Last night before turning off my laptop i thought Id look
at if I am alright to take my medication to japan
turns out I have a slight issue there
i need to fill out a form and send it to japan to declare what i take and why and what dosage
nightmare of a job if im honest and dreading it
will certainly need help!
so that churned my stomach a bit
nothing is ever simple huh

i woke up at 5:15am and knew i wouldnt fall back off to sleep knowing i was up at 6am
at 5:45am i decided to get up 
i felt alright about school, it was chilly tho this morning had to defrost my car
Oz didnt bother to sit with me on the sofa he sat on the other end >.>

I got to school and stuff was fine
i made jack a coffee with the new coffee i brought him at the weekend
Jack was going on and on about his bloody scouts first air training
he turned to me and said "they want me to do summer camp, which 2 weeks during THEIR summer holidays, so if i wanted to do it id have to work the extra hours here first"
i said "jeez thats a lot of work"
he said "well if i stay half hour every day it will soon mount up"
and something inside me just snapped
it annoyed me just how much time he will put aside for others, for other peoples projects and how much effort he puts it into THEM not US.
so i turned round and said "just do what ever you want to do"
and i stormed off
i took myself off to the office next door just for a breather as my head was raging and i needed to calm that before i saw anyone else. especially jack as he'd be in the line of fire
i came back after i had semi-composed myself
he tentatively said to me "are you cross at me?"
i said "no i just wish you put the same amount of effort into us"
he said "yeah thats fair"

head of biology stormed in at that point demanding sheets she hadnt asked for and why she couldnt see them and i just couldnt give a crap at that point and said "if you cant see them its because i didnt know you needed them and therefor havent done them" jack saw the tension and did what she asked
after the staff had cleared off from breaktime i just sat in the corner of the office and silently cried, im good at silently crying
jack found me but i didnt want his comfort as he was part of my problem
i had such a busy head and didnt know how else to vent so i cry
i cried as well as i felt unwell and it was getting to me just how hard everything is. it was only 10:30am monday morning and i felt that dead. i was exhausted and thinking "how will i get through the rest of the day? the rest of the week"
jack told me to take as long as i needed but i didnt need his permission
i soon got up anyway no time for self pity

he later saw me and said if we could talk 
i dreaded what it was about but he sat me down
and literally treated me like a work friend 
it was all "youre not coping, how can we change things?" blah blah
nothing needs to change
its just my diet 
i have no energy cus nothing is giving me energy
and he doesnt help with the fact he does nothing towards our relationship
but i cant talk about that at work
cant mix work and relationships
so i just told him to be patient with my diet and i will feel better
i hated the way he talked to me, like he was my boss not boyfriend

i stayed out his way for the rest of the day
i couldnt even be arsed to talk to him at lunch if im honest
he asked if i wanted to stay over this week
but i said id see
i dont think i want to see him out of work hours
he does my head in and im tired anyway
i just wish he'd try for me for us the way he tries for others
i cant live with him whilst hes like this he just does nothing 
he says he doesnt deserve me and sometimes im started to see that
anyway

i came home and ranted to mum and ended up crying again
Oz just sat on the sofa falling asleep whilst i got it out my system
i put him away and did 40 mins of yoga followed by physio exercises

i got through the day
not looking forward to tomorrow as its fish head dissection 
woohoo -____-
gonna stink
4 times this week then its done
still grim
hope my stomach is strong enough 

got my stuff ready for school
might do some dance run though then get into pyjamas
hopefully things will be more positive tomorrow
ready for bed tho im shattered
and im sick of eating my weight in food every day
all my bottoms fall down which is annoying
and when i took my top off today i could see my ribs
this diet certainly works for weight loss
next monday im introducing foods!