it's halloween 2020! and Jack lives with me!

 Happy Halloween~~~~~

I did not sleep last night it was so hot in the house I was literally sweating T___T

so by midnight I got up, opened up my windows and went downstairs for a bit

came to bed around 1am then fell asleep but kept waking up cus of the wind outside was so strong, i sleep so light so the littlest of the noises wakes me up and what woke me up was the gate blew open and of course no one else would wake up and hear the gate banging so i was the one to get up and close it and of course by which point i am awake and in pain so yup i was up til 6:50 I went back to bed for an hour or so.

I did some dancing this morning but because i had a lot on my mind i kept screwing up a lot, really crappy dancing but it was exercise, then had a shower

after which i played around with make up until i achieved this sort of look 

Halloween photos! been such a long time since i have taken any photos of myself

After lunch I sorted out my bedroom as i got it ready to house the Jack XD

my bed is in the middle of my room which has NEVER happened before it looks soooo strange but had to be done and then I had a bit of sort out 

mum made some cakes and we decorated them X3

I was left home alone and fell asleep for a bit cus i was just shattered

then I pretty much got a txt from Jack asking if he could set off

his mum and step dad dropped him off and we talked on the drive way for a bit but it was very cold 

then we were left with Jack

to be honest it has been nice seeing him outside of work. and with new restrictions coming into place its a good time for him to move in with us. 

he brought his pumpkin and we carved them

mine is on the left~ obviously better

we had dinner then after wards we went for a walk at 7:45pm 

i wanted to see if many people had bothered to put up halloween decorations and very few actually had so it was a bit sad and no one really treat or treating. 

we came back and sat with Oz who was very very happy to see Jack think he ended up grooming the whole of Jack's face! 

now we're just in my bedroom and going to start one of many night sharing a single bed......

im happy to have him by my side once again

we will work it out but boris johnson is suppose to be announcing something at 10pm could be an actual lockdown - who knows!

we said we would meet theo and harvey in the park tomorrow as it is still allowed but i guess that depends on tonights announcement as well but it would be nice to see them i havent seen anyone for such a long time its so sad 

apart from that i havent really got any plans tomorrow

oh i uploaded my Noibat Pumpkaboo picture as well today

halloween has been much much better than i thought it was gonna be 

Halloween Bulbasaur and nail art

 Konbanwa~~

So last night I was printing out the forms that the financial adviser had emailed across to us. But as I finished my diary at 8pm I heard my dad say "right shall we get these forms done"....D:

so me mum and dad sat for a whole hour doing these forms, i was printing and scanning documents and stuff and yeah between the 3 of us we did get it all done but we only got to sit down at 9:15pm I had had enough >< I chilled out by doing my halloween nail art 2020!

I went to bed at 10pm and I did sleep! and I slept til 8:30am as well....that was some sleep

I did 40 mins of yoga this morning and there was A LOT of popping, cracking, etc....

This morning I went out with mum, we went post office to get the forms securely sent

then went shops for a few bits then home then out for a walk which was quite nice

we got back and had lunch and i started drifting off to sleep as i was cold and in pain so i had literally crawled up into a ball on the sofa, mum stirred me and said "shall we dye your hair then?"

so we did that, mummy kindly dyed my hair red for me ^^ so I look like a pumpkin as well XD

Since then I procrastinated finishing off my pokemon halloween picture, but knew it needed to be finished for tomorrow! >< so I was watching make up videos and looking at earrings online

but in the end I did crack on and do my work and got both pokemon halloween pictures done

here is bulbasaur and I will upload the noibat one tomorrow

that was pretty much my day

of course the day is always broken up with sit downs with pets who are all doing well

Oz enjoys autumn as theres load of old manky leaves for him to eat -_____-

Tomorrow

I havent fully planned tomorrow out yet

I will basically please myself up to when Jack moves in XD

i know i want to do halloween make up, maybe decorate cakes mum plans on making, do my exercising

clear my bed of plush for jack to stay, we had been putting them on my bedroom floor when jack just stayed for the odd night but for continuous nights im not doing that so they will go on the book cases downstairs, i will miss them but needs must T^T

jack will arrive around 4-5pm

we will carve pumpkins together ^^ and not sure what else really,  i really havent planned it ><

but it will still be a hell of a lot better than what  i thought halloween was gonna be like!

GOT A PUMPKIN!

 Evening~~~

I managed to sleep but woke up at midnight and got back to sleep but woke up at 2am and needed to get up so I stayed up for a bit then went back to bed. Had a dream that I was in so much pain i couldnt walk and mum was taking me in a wheel chair to the doctors and i wouldnt stop screaming out in pain. the littlest feel to my body caused bruising. I screamed and screamed.

I woke up to my alarm at 7am and thought "i mustnt have been screaming in my sleep then as no one woke me up" but got out of bed and had an alright morning apart from looking and feeling like death.

I got to school and jack got there 5 mins before me

i walked in to find a pumpkin on my desk

it was beautiful I was so happy

it isnt as big as I usually get but its a lovely shape and I am grateful for having an actual pumpkin

we had a bit of catch up as we havent seen each other for 9 days

then we got on with some work, i did the experiment i needed to do and all the chemicals still worked

I decided to give the bank a ring and they said the que wait time was 2mins so i hung on the line and 40 mins later me and jack had successfully managed to open a joint bank account.

we did more work then had lunch and talked about what is gonna happen next

and basically we said that after jack's driving lesson on saturday - halloween - he will get his mum or step dad to drop him and some of stuff off at my house and he will live here until we have the house which should be 2 weeks time. then he can support me and sort any house stuff with me and not break any lock down rules and not be on public transport. he said he was glad we are doing it this week as his tram pass runs out next week and its £50 for the month, so thats saved him.

so yeah i had written halloween 2020 off but now i will have jack with me, a pumpkin oh and on the way jack picked a pumpkin up for himself so we can carve them together! :D 

im gonna do halloween nails tonight and i think on halloween its self i will wear make up and draw a spider web on my face or something and get into halloween a bit :3

We finished up work at 2pm

i came home and had a brew and tea cake as i was hungry then mum wanted to go for a walk so i dragged myself for a walk. glad i did it but couldnt be bothered i felt shattered and drained

but we talked about jack staying and stuff

i got back and sorted a few things out, like buying jack a new earring as the DNA one i brought him a few weeks ago has gone weird and green, so i brought him a hexagon design one then i designed my halloween nails then finally sorted out harder things for me - house documents - which i coped well with, ive still got stuff to fill out and send back but ive made a start with it all

i was gonna do some drawing tonight but ran out of time and really tired so gonna get my lad, sit with him then do my halloween nails

tomorrow i have no plans as of yet to be honest!

No luck with pumpkins

 Evening

I was slowly drifting off to sleep last night when at 10:30pm my body decided it needed a wee -____- man it picks it's moments and after that I struggled to get to sleep as I was aching. I got up til 12:30 and when I got back to bed i set my oil defuser for 2 hours so that softly went whilst lighting my room up different colours, it is amazing i love it ^^

I woke up at 7:30am but managed to grab another half hour ^^

So this morning mum went food shopping I did my 30mins of dance practice then had a shower

i got the shower, and yesterday I felt like playing with make up but didnt, but today I did

i put the full make up on as I havent done in such a long time - not even for work

i havent worn any make up at all, some people apply foundation or mascara or lip stick - something. Jo - zilch. I go bare faced. I just cant see the point when half your face is covered with a mask. 

but today I did it. and my god how healthy and awake i looked! it was shocking to see the reflection in the mirror actually. didnt feel like  me. im so used to seeing pale zombie

Mum said we would go pick your own pumpkin today

so she drove us about 15 or so minutes away so a farm

a farm that was shut, just the remnants of pumpkins left in the field D:

so that was a bit disappointing but I wasnt too disheartened by it all

we went for a walk round there which was very nice, totally in the woods which is what i like

I was tired and hungry - like a child - so we went home

after lunch mum offered to go try some shops

we tried 3 shops and none, not one pumpkin D: whats with the shortage of pumpkins this year!?

so strange as usually you can get hold of them right up to halloween

I wasnt too disappointed which surprised me to be honest cus i love pumpkins. 

mum said she will try a farm shop tomorrow - expensive pumpkins XD i told her not to worry i was ok but she said "i dont want you to go without a pumpkin! its 1 day in the year you like"

sweet of her :3

i texted jack to say i had no luck, he said he was gonna check two stores tomorrow on the way to work i told him it was fine that pumpkins are heavy and he would then need to get it to work. he said he was gonna be fine with all that :/ 

this afternoon i havent done an awful lot, been pretty exhausted from being on the go all day

so i worked on my drawing and spent time with the pets, Oz snoring beside me the usual

mum also asked me to look into some eye cream for her, as she buys UK skin care and I buy korean and I keep telling her  the ingredients in her products are poor. So she wanted to try a better eye cream as she worries she will end up with old saggy baggy eyes like her dad had when he was old

I found one for her and ordered it :) If its something I can do - its skin care XD

tomorrow I am going to work ugh, to do more hours

i dont want to go in if i am honest. but i have a practical to test to see if the amino acids are still alive and kicking, probably update some stuff or do some display work. and talk to jack about a few things. the main one being "wanna live with me and my family til we have the bungalow?" ><

thats it really :/

dog cushions!

 Evening

Well last night was my first night with my oil defuser and I think it did help you know, having a constant noise - sounds a bit like water babbling. and being able to smell lavender and such yeah think it helped. that and the amount of pain killers i took, i woke up at midnight and got comfy again and went back to sleep!  I didnt need to get up! and thats were i remained til 8am! did well ^^ hopefully it will repeat again tonight~

So this morning I did 45mins of yoga, needed a good stretch, didnt bother to shower as we wanted to go out to the home store - which turned out to be quite crappy if i am honest. both me and mum were not impressed. especially unimpressed at how much of the shop was taken up by christmas decorations....it was crazy. PLUS they had the nerve to play christmas music!!! my god! its october! D:

so very wrong. was was worse, the speakers or even the music we werent sure - but they were all distorted. so the whole shop was playing distorted christmas music T^T we literally could not wait to leave. we went to the shop next to it and brought them out of biscuits XD I like a stock for my locker at work ^^

We got back and had lunch and stuff and sat with pets as it was very rainy out so they couldnt play outside really.

I decided to txt jack see how he is and if he has heard anything about the house

he rang me up saying he had...

they said we could exchange money and keys on November 6th...

while this may seem like a good thing it was also incredibly stressful. The money needs to be in the bank account by 3rd. My dad came home and he and mum were talking money and where money will come from, on the phone to financial adviser and such. whilst i just laid on my bed and let the tears flow. literally could not cope with all that. 

did not know that whilst all this was going on my dad left to go back to work and my mum gave jack a call XD

she came up to see me and console what was left of me

she said they have got all in the process of being sorted and i havent got to do anything other than make a joint bank account with jack. so i felt a bit better but still very sick, overwhelmed and dizzy. she told me she spoke to jack about it all and about me. and she suggested he come live with us until we have things settled. as we cant see each other due to the lockdown its making things harder so if he comes into our household we can get things done and he can support me as i do seem to cope better with him there. but at the same time it will be very weird having him in my territory. 

we have decided to leave it to the following week which i think is the 12th? for key and money to be exchanged, so we wont be as stressed or pressured.

I just wish i could actually cope with stuff instead of always getting upset

I noticed my breathing was all over the place so i said to mum i needed air and to sort my head out. as much as it has come as a relief that we are nearing the end of the house stuff its also incredibly daunting. just the sheer amount of work we will need to do is unreal. i know it hasnt all got to be done in one week. and then theres the thought that i wont be living here anymore. i will be defending for  myself. yeah it is A LOT

after my walk i had a brew

then went to do some work for chris he has asked me to design stuff for the school but its been taking me ages and i dont know how happy i even am with it. i saved it and will look at it again tomorrow

I sat then with a face sheet on and tried to relax

tomorrow

oh my god tomorrow is my birthday and christmas wrapped into one

I CAN NOT WAIT!

im going to a pumpkin farm for 'pick our own pumpkin'

i have charged my phone up as i plan to take loads of photos of pumpkins in their natural habitat. i have never done it before and im so excited. it will be very muddy with the sheer amount of rain we have had but i do not care, i cant wait! then mum said we might go for a walk round the woods near there 

Oh I took a photo of the cushions I have made mia for her birthday

based on her 2 dogs - beige is Walter and grey is Winnie. Hopefully she will like them

the dogs are on a velvety material and the back of the cushion is teddy fabric so its soft and fluffy

new oil defuser

 Evening

I went to bed at 9pm heavily dosed up, fell asleep so damn quick could barely keep my eyes open! but woke up at midnight and had to get up as i was just attacking myself, i scratch basically

so i got up for an hour, took more pain killers, had cereal, the usual you know

this morning I woke up just before 8am so I got the girls inside, let Oz loose he couldnt wait to check the shed out, as its all changed round in there as we have put the cages in the shed so the stuff has all moved around and of course its so interesting to our rabbit friend --____--

I had the house to myself this morning!

so I blasted music out and did some dancing, i was trying to get Ima nanji right but was struggling on some parts but it was all good practice,  i was dripping with sweat. I worked for half hour

not sure what dance i would like to do next tho :/ i usually do AKB48's halloween night this time of year but i havent yet, i should maybe watch the video see if i want to do it for the season

I had a shower and then left the house at 10:30am I got everything ready for my mum tho for when she would get in at 11am, i got the tea ready to make, the heating on and i remembered to take bags and mask out with me i did really well...

got to TKMAXX and was shopping round finding bargains in the form of warm work wear, christmas presents and an oil infuser burner thing. Was walking round the shop and voice in my head said "and how will you be paying for all this?" i suddenly thought 'I dont think i took my bank card out from mum's purse the other day'...checked my purse. yup. no bank card.

it was 11am at this point so i gave her a ring and told her my dilemma

she very very kindly went home when she had finished up, got her purse and came to the shop for me! we looked round the shop and she picked up some joggers and i showed her what i had picked up and then we paid. i managed to rack up £97 worth! god! but the oil thing was £25 and the rest was pretty much warm clothing for work. As I am bit worried about getting cold when I go back to work

we got home and had lunch and brew

then watched it lash it down my god it rained

my body felt tired but to be honest i could not face going to bed again, spend half my life in that bed

so as I had received the fabric glue in the post today i decided to do Mia's cushions

and thats where I have been today, in my room sewing whilst listening to skin care videos just wasnt in the mood for jpop for some reason. Just wanted to hear someone talk, maybe im missing talking to others? who knows. such a contradiction i am~

It was nice not sleeping today tho, that doesnt mean however i will sleep tonight. but maybe just maybe with my new oil defuser puffing out the scents of lavender, i might sleep better. who knows!

Whilst i was out I did go pets at home with mum. spent £10 on Ozwald >.> £7 of which was on treats!!! cus mum hands them out like bloody sweets XD nah i like to keep him in treats. 

he had the nerve to get huffy with me last night cus i wasnt peeling the satsuma quick enough for his liking! my god man. he runs this place XD

dont think i will do any drawing tonight my eyes are too tired. i didnt expect to finish the cushions so late to be honest.  i will photograph them in the light tomorrow

tomorrow

me and mum were gonna go to a 'pick your own pumpkin' something i have never done but always dreamed of doing - going to a pumpkin farm - as i have pumpkin fetish XD but the weather looks awful and as its an outdoors thing i dont wanna get soaked, i want to enjoy it. so i think we will leave it for wednesday now. tomorrow we said we might go to a home store we havent been to in ages but as we just found we might be in a further lock down on thursday im not sure if people will be panic buying crap so we shall see. i have drawing to do if not. 

hope i sleep!

continuing with noibat and pumpkaboo

 Evening

Sleeping tablet did not do what it said on the tin....could not sleep so yeah I got up for a bit and took more pain killers woohoo -_____-

I got this morning and pushed my self to do an hour's walk, it was quite pleasant as the sun was actually out but the breeze was very cold.

I got back and was sweating XD I had a brew tho and then a much needed shower

think i fell asleep at some point as it was a sunday - my worse day of the week - made longer by 1 hour and yeah i could not face the whole day so escaped into sleep

when i woke up i trimmed truffle's fur and she looks loads better, i cant believe how good she was! she was like a statue she really was, very well behaved and trotted off happily when i finished sheering her

good job done as she was becoming untidy, its not as short as her summer coat tho as she needs to be warm now.

I did 30mins of yoga but didnt feel much better for it

then sat at my laptop where i have been all sodding afternoon, just in my room out the way as i feel the family is at each other's throats today. Today was the first time i thought "actually yeah i think i am ready to move out" and i have never had that thought before. even buying a house i havent thought about being ready to move out ive always been happy where i am but today i feel was a bit of a tipping point

i laid on my bed today and thought, "when was the last time i was happy?"

and i cant remember, i feel like ive been wadding through a dark cloud of pain and confusion for a long time now. people say "talk about it" i dont feel i want to. i havent talked to any of my friends for a while now, even today i dont really want to txt jack, i havent txted him since this mornning - and no he didnt book his driving test surprise surprise - i just want to be left to my bubble ans shut my self away from it all, from feeling. i thought about self harming today but didnt luckily. just not happy and not sure how to make things better.

i tried working on stuff for work today on my laptop but could not achieve what i wanted to so i will have another go another time. so i have done a bit more of the pumpkaboo noibat picture

trying to get it done for halloween!

i might have a run through of ima nanji before i go downstairs

im dosing on pain killers tonight i just had enough of it all

tomorrow got the house to myself thank bloody god

but i might pop out to the shop as i want to get another oil diffuser as i had one before and it did help a bit with my sleep, but the oils made the inside go weird and leak so i chucked it and never replaced it but im thinking id like another go with it. so i will go on the hunt for another one tomorrow.

giving up with squirtle

 Evening

I took sleeping tablets last night, 2 years outta date but meh i was getting desperate

they still worked!

I woke up for a wee at 1am and was all over the place! it was like being drunk!

almost took out the toilet door XD

got back to bed the next thing i knew it was 9am....and what a deep sleep i had had

mum said she came into my room at 8am to see if i was still asleep and of course i was and didnt even stir to her being in my room whereas usually she cant even get in my room without me waking - i always sleep with my door open but am such a light sleeper

so yeah I felt pretty good this morning, bit groggy from the sleeping tablets and my taste has been off all day which why i hate taking them as everything tastes rank

This morning me and mum drove to a village 10mins away if that and when for a walk round the river and things it was a bit breezy but nice to get out. we were about 50mins walking, but its mums slower pace, which i dont mind. Then got back and warmed up with a brew then I did 45mins of yoga as plenty of things needed to crack then had a shower

Jack had his driving lesson and his teacher told him he needed to book his test soon, cus its a long waiting list - thanks to the covid back log - so hes looking at end of december 

he rang me and said hes gonna book it tonight - i will be SHOCKED if he does actually book it

he takes a while to work up to these things

after lunch i decided to go to bed, not cus i was tired, but just because i couldnt bare to spend a long rainy saturday indoors by myself in pain. i needed escapism and to kill some time. good tho as i was sooooo warm. then i got up and sat with Ozwald who went to sleep XD all having a lazy saturday

I brought a few more christmas presents online as more ideas come to mind and i have very nearly done actually, which im glad about. i will leave dad's til december. 

i have finished mia, tara, my brother, jack i have the cushion to make and mum i might get her something extra.

i did try and do a bit more of squirtle but im not liking him, charmander isnt even that good so i might just leave it with bulbasaur and doa background just for him instead of a picture with all 3 as they just look naff really, well i think they do. so i havent done anymore art really

i havent really done anything today

i did do 20mins of dance learning and got the dance finished finally, it wasnt too hard, not as hard as i thought it was gonna be anyway

tonight i plan on taking another sleeping tablet as i want to and why not

tomorrow i have zero plans but i might have to go do something before i kill someone

cabin fever and just having a crap time of it all. i know life could be worse but it could also be better too

 Evening

Once again I couldnt sleep

I also can't remember the last time I slept through the night --____-- im so very tired now

I get teary at the littlest of things  I just cant handle anything

Last night I tried to sleep then at 11:30pm mum screamed out having a night terror jesus we ALL heard it so if i didnt have heart issues before then I certainly had them afterwards....jesus

So I got up for a bit and stayed up til 1am

but slept after that til 7:30am

This morning I did 20mins of dance but wasnt really feeling it and gave in and went for a shower

think i went back to bed at 11am i just had enough of everything to be honest, i wanted to be out of pain and thinking and feeling

I woke up at 1pm and had lunch with mum

then looked for christmas presents online, i have almost finished my christmas shopping can you believe! its an achievement then mum decided she wanted to go for a walk 

and it threw it down on us --____-- we got soaked, so i came in and got pyjamas on

i stitched some details on to a pair of gloves i got jack for christmas

i have sat with Oz a few times today and the girls

did a bit more squirtle as i wanted to choose colours and i think im there with what colours i want him to have he just looks weird 

Keep practicing tsubaki factory ima nanji in the evening when i can, im getting further

I had a cry to mum as im just so fed up of it all right now, being in constant pain with no relief, taking endless pain killers that dont do what they say on the tin, not sleeping, being alone at night, not seeing jack, not seeing anyone, not having anything good to look forward to. heck even halloween has been taken from me! life is just a bit crap right now to be honest. and of course theres the whole business with the house the never ending saga. although jack did tell me today that the solicitors and estate agents are talking about getting a date for keys sorted - think we've all had enough of hearing about the bungalow now. be nice to get a date - some thing to look forward to 

Not sure what I am doing tomorrow as of yet

id love to see jack and do something but no such luck

start of zombie squirtle

 Yo~n

I couldnt sleep last night, so was up til 2am eating cereal and taking pain killers, after that i did sleep but still felt tired in the morning

I did 35mins of yoga this morning which i did feel better for and my god did my joints crack!

then i had a shower then took me and mum to some shops

we didnt go in many think 4? but i was annoyed as they didnt have the material in i needed to make mia's cushions so i ended up ordering some online when i got home, so now i have to wait for that to come but i have got everything else ready to make these cushions

i sat with Oz and had a brew with him

then I also had my lunch with him, then I read in bed. and thats where i stayed for the next 3  hours just in and out of sleep, my body felt like a lead weight. and so tired. i was very drugged up at this point too

i decided to get up at it reached 4pm and mum usually likes a brew with me at this time

after my brew i debated whether or not to go for a walk, i know should do but i felt so tired

but knew id regret it later if i didnt do a walk, so i forced myself to go and did an hour

i felt better for doing it just felt done in afterwards!

when I came in tho i got my pyjamas on and washed my face then had dinner

since then I cut fabric for mia's cushion so i could put a lot of stuff away until i have the material i need, cus i am running out of room in my bedroom due to all the house moving tat around >.>

I was gonna do some drawing but think I might have run out of time as it's Task Master tonight so I wanna sit down with Ozwald and watch that. 

here is how far I am with squirtle, thinking of doing a zombiefied version of him, not sure tho

tomorrow, not sure what I am doing yet, could always clean my room if i need something to do

depends how much sleep i get tonight, quite low with it all and want Jack but know i can't have Jack so its hard. I feel like im doing life alone at the moment.

got my bedding

 Evening

I took two cocodamol last night instead of 1, it was bliss XD

I fell asleep around 10:30pm

After i had cried twice, just cus i was in pain, had enough of it all and was not looking forward to another sleepless night. But I did drop off, however I woke up at midnight! what gives!? well unfair!

so I laid there, and laid there. It got to 2am and I thought 'screw this, it aint happening'

so I got up for an hour, had cereal, pain killers, read a bit, the usual

i went to bed around 3am, fell asleep and woke up just before 8am feeling shattered

This morning and all day really it has rained

so me and mum made the decision to go to the home store

she drove me to the post office first tho to post of the piggie, cost me £23.....

I managed to get the duvet, 3 pillows (Jack sleeps with 2), 2 cushion inners, 2 dinner plates

so yeah it was worth getting as we now have all the bedding and finally 2 more dinner plates, these ones have bunnies and squirrels and owls on theyre quite cute

we left and came home for lunch which was pumpkin soup and then I went to bed dosed up on pain killers it was bliss for 2 hours, not being conscious and having to feel pain and stress

When I got up tho Jack said he wanted to ring me

basically the roof on the bungalow was suppose to have been looked at on monday but the guy doing it is self-isolating, so yeah thats on hold now. He also said that Chris had rung him saying someone he gets a lift to and from school has had a positive corona test :/ and me and jack were in chris's office on monday and if honest i think we'd forgotten about masks at that point. we get talking and walked over to his office and yeah you get hot and stuff and keep distance at first without mask on then whilst talking you get closer and closer as it human body language. its easily done. So jack said to be careful, i wasnt worried really. chris is fine. he may not have corona. he is gonna see how he goes.

i looked so pale talking to jack tho i looked bloody awful. he said it was his sister's 17th birthday today so they were off out for food in the evening, rather them than me i have to say. ive been put off eating out since i found out school kitchen staff caught corona.

I cleaned Oz out whilst it was only drizzling. He has been outside a lot today - getting wet >.>

such a tramp and then he drinks the rain water on the decking -___- like he doesnt have fresh water in his water bottle. he just likes to think hes a wild bunny

We sat with the girls and had a brew

then I did a bit of dancing as I was sweating anyway for whatever reason

i worked hard and my hair was soaked, 30mins of dancing~

then showered off

after dinner i drew out silhouettes of whippets as i want to make mia a couple of cushions for her birthday and im doing simple whippet designs    

then I rummaged through my fabrics and found what i needed to make these cushions. 

i just need like iron on fabric glue. then i can get going with it

might do a bit of work on squirtle tonight but im not liking how he is turning out but i said that about charmander and he turned out ok.

tomorrow, hopefully go and get some fabric glue and get going with these cushions.

but my god i hope i sleep tonight. so sick of it all right now.

i hurt after i had danced, how unfair is that? my arms and back hurt. so i exercise to help the aches but it makes more aches. it was my usual dances and within 30mins of finishing i got these aches. not fair. makes me wonder why i bother. why i continue at all

10 hours left

 Evening

So last night I decided to do 30mins of dance practice, learning Tsubaki Factory's Ima nanji

it went well, I got up to the 1 minute mark

then I went to sit with my Ozwald

and went to bed but didnt sleep well, was waking up every 2 hours so I dont feel I had much of a deep sleep then woke up at 6am for work but didnt need to actually get up til 7am so I just laid there trying to get some sleep but didnt achieve any

I got to school at 9am

Julia txted to say she went in yesterday and wouldnt be in today, so it would me and jack

I was looking forward to seeing Jack

but the way he walked in, he looked tired so I made him a coffee

but all day he was grouchy, stressy and just hard to make conversation with

we had house paper work to sign and when it came to bit he needed to google, just to confirm what we needed to write, i sat next to him as I have been doing when doing house stuff - for moral support - i was gorming out to be honest and he turned to me "can you not sit there! i feel like youre breathing down my neck" 0.0 i mean i was quite taken back by that considering i wasnt even looking at him.

I responded "god Jack, I wasnt even doing anything"

he asked me to sign something and i made sure to take the paper away from him and do it else where so i wasnt  'breathing down his neck' 

i couldnt wait to finish to be honest cus it was hard work and i felt all he could talk about was him moaning about living at home. 

I announced i was leaving at 2:30pm he gave me a hug and told me he loved me and apologised for being stressy i kinda just left. i'd had enough but didnt hold it against him as we all get off days. I feel his are more noticeable as he has far less off days than me XD

I have exactly 10 hours left to complete before June

I came home and had a brew with mum then fussed Oz as I felt i needed my spirit calming

but it wasnt enough, i was hurting and very tired so i started to drift off on the sofa but mum woke me!! rightly so, but it still felt unfair. But it would stop me from sleeping tonight

so i forced myself to do an hours walk, i felt pretty good whilst walking 

i came home, had dinner, showered and got into pyjamas

might do some drawing then i am sitting with Oz then I will paint my nails, im having plain nails all 10 will be a different colour tho. but i never have plain nails.

Oh Jack brought me pumpkin earrings and a little bat plush that matches some other plushies i have X3 I will photograph them

tomorrow

I am going post office to post the piggie

then i think me and mum are going to a home store if she feels like it as she has a flu jab in the morning and sometimes you can feel a bit off from it. so we shall see~ I have stuff i can get on with tho

Finished multi coloured guinea

 Evening

My god what a sodding night

I did decided to do half hour yoga last night which did help unknot some muscles. I went to bed feeling tired but for whatever reason I could not get off to sleep, it reached midnight and I eventually drifted off. But for 20mins....what gives!? thats well unfair. I ached - of course - so I got up and had cereal and pain killers and crawled back to my bed. I did fall asleep but I had a nightmare - I get nightmares when Im stressed - it was so freaking creepy, it was to do with dolls and yeah it was like watching a horror film. I woke up sweating and I saw my doll - Himeko - facing me and its the first time that she has ever given me the creeps, I fell asleep straight away and fell back into the nightmare. When I woke up i about launched out of bed not wanting to relive the nightmare again. I went downstairs and was prepared to sod sleep at it was like 4am. I stayed up til 5am and had cereal then went to bed and woke up just before 9am feeling quite rough but was grateful I had achieved some sleep.

This morning I did 20mins of dancing but wasnt my best I could tell I couldnt think straight but I think its because I had been taking pain killers throughout the night. My morning brain was foggy

I got showered and then me and mum went to chemist for my drugs

then brought some flowers as it would have been grannys birthday today she would have been 85

so we went and put them on her grave and gave her grave a quick clean

we went for a walk down the river which was nice just a bit cold

I got back and had lunch

then I started and finished the guinea pig plushie for my friend Tom

she this is going all the way to Australia~

Came out pretty cute and different

I fell asleep for a while and did not want to get up

after dinner we had cake as I managed to convince mum cus it was grannys birthday that we should have cake :3

I did 30mins of dance practice, i have started learning Tsubaki factory's ima nanji

then I wrapped up the guinea pig

and now I am gonna sit with my Ozwald

I have been eating a satsuma at night and he seems to have gotten a taste for it >.>

he harasses me til i give him a segment, its hard to peel with his  nose all over the satsuma XD

Tomorrow

going work ugh >.> I have some hours left to kill and I want to see Jack

so I aim to get there around 9am and then do a few hours, I have lunch ready so yeah I will just stay til I have had enough. Cant be bothered but it will be nice to see Jack I have missed him. its stressing me out more than I thought it would. I was scratching in the night so my legs and face hurt. scratching and nightmares. ugh

started colourful guinea plush

 Evening

Despite waiting for my evening pain killers, they did literally nothing

I stewed in bed til 10:30pm when I decided to get up as I was not gonna get to sleep in that state

my parents were still up and mum made me a hot chocolate, i was fine making it but she insisted on making me one, and she massage my legs with the massage roller

they went to bed at 11pm. I stayed up and took some more pain killers, waited for them to kick in a bit then when to bed at midnight but still took me an hour to sleep. From there I had disturbed sleep and my bed was a tip in the morning -_____- so I dont feel like I have actually slept

This morning I went for an hour's walk by myself which was quite nice then came back and showered and had a brew with mum

then I started working on the guinea pig plush, I got quiet far with it today with a sleep and breaks in between making it. Shouldnt take me too long to actually get it finished.

I made my dinner and ate it by myself

had a look online for christmas gifts, i keep ordering bits and pieces when I get ideas on what I could get people. I have finished a few people now. Luckily I have very few people to buy for as i little friends and hardly any family. Still, i would like to get my christmas shopping finished during these holidays if I can

might do some drawing later but I will see, my eyes are very tired to be honest

tomorrow

me and mum might go out somewhere, I have convinced her to have the week off work to spend with me :3 but we said we shall see how i feel tomorrow as my health hasnt been good this weekend

might get into pyjamas and do yoga tonight? who knows, not sure what I am in the mood for!

first day of rest and done charmander

 Evening

My first day of rest u___u

My god I needed it, I didnt sleep too badly

once I woke up I climbed into mum's bed with her for 10mins

then we went to see the pets, dad had already let Ozwald out so he was doing his morning patrol

I had a very slow morning, didnt start exercising til 10:15am

I danced for 30mins then went for a shower then went for a walk with mum

I came back and had a brew and a sit, followed by a tea cake then I went to bed

I didnt wake up til 3 hours later!! it was such a deep sleep too, the house could have been on fire and I wouldnt have known about it! The whole time Oz was outside like a wild bunny

I got up and had a brew with mum then I went to do some drawing, I was tired - still - but did some drawing and I think I have finished charmander now

He looks cute and vampirish XD Next is squirtle I guess

I had my dinner which I made and then I looked through fabrics as I have a guinea plush to make tomorrow so I was seeing what I had to use. So thats all on my floor waiting to be cut up

Thats tomorrow's plan anyway, that and staying out of dad's way

I hope I sleep as I have slept so much today

well done for doing the first 7 weeks

 Evening

I've done it, I've bloody done it. This half  term, these 7 long hard weeks are over

I can finally rest for 2 weeks 

I didnt sleep well last night and ended up getting up at 5:45am

I put on a cute red and black tartan dress and had a red bow and a black bow in my hair and even curled my hair I wanted to look cute today 

I was just leaving the house and mum said to me "you start later today dont you? 8:30am?"

i said "ahhhhh i forgot" -______- i could have had more sleep!!!

So as I had my shoes on at this point I decided to go in anyway and put the time on my time sheet

hannah and luke were in anyway so I had company

but I just put music on and painted some cans for physics and yeah just sat quietly and did that

Julia and Jack came in around 8:15am

i said "I came in 40mins early today!!!"

jack said "why did you do that?"

i said "cus I forgot we start later!" he said "youre an idiot" dont i know

still its another half hour on my sheet so i've done 22 hours out of 37 now :3

I did a bit of prepping for when we get back

then chris came and said could I come work with him this morning rather than the afternoon so I was lead to his office. He told me what I had to do for the school and I went back to my desk and had ago on some seriously old photoshop and a mouse. I wanted my laptop with my graphics tablet. I was getting frustrated as I couldnt do what I wanted to and when I did have a go at it, the computer crashed!!!!

so I gave in and texted chris asking when was the due date - thinking it was today

he said "anytime" so i asked if i could do it at home in the holidays and he said that was fine :D

we had free food and free tea and biscuits and tidied the prep room and went through what practicals are coming and if i needed any chemicals 

it was an ok day I guess i just was shattered and achy

I came home and mum made me a brew and I sat with Oz who had decided to play outside the whole day bless him. I was suppose to do exercise but I was so spent. I went to bed! and I slept for a good hour and didnt feel much better

I got up and dinner was ready shortly after, then I had a shower to relax me and got into pyjamas 

i told mum i felt guilty that i hadnt done any exercise and i said i need to just feel a sense of achievement for completing the first half term and not beat myself up for not exercising

i will exercise in the morning i am sure. I am just dead....

me and jack are gonna do some hours on tuesday as chris said he is going in also on tuesday

its the only time i can see jack as households arent allowed to mix and meet up :/ 

So my plans for half term

I need to make a guinea plush thats the first thing!

I am gonna plan out and maybe start an quilt to hand in the bungalow living room - i know the design i want to do.

I am gonna see what i need to buy as christmas presents for everyone, as i currently have the time to do that, when I have the house I will not have the time, money, or energy for it

and to clean my room

and do some art~ 

theyre my plans

god i hope i sleep tonight~

just tomorrow then I can rest

 

Evening

I actually slept pretty well last night but I was shattered I hardly read for long cus I was just gone~

I needed my alarm this morning that is a fact

I sat with Oz and stuff this morning, the usual, but got mummy to tie my hair up as I wanted a hair pony and i sometimes struggle with that one

School was ok really

nothing special happened

I wasnt a shivering mess on the floor tho

i did however shed a few tears as basically i looked at the time and it was 9:30am, i thought "my pain killers have kicked in by now" but it was like I hadnt had anything i hurt...bad

by 11am I took some pain killers and felt better, by 1pm I wanted more and shed a few tears cus i was in so much pain it just felt cruel. I wanted nothing more than to take a lot of medication and go to sleep and not think or feel. But sadly I had work to do

I somehow powered through

I did some display stuff and yeah passed the day somehow i guess. It did feel slow

I got home and didnt drink my brew but fussed my Ozwald whilst talking to mum. didnt really want my tea, then did 30mins of yoga which i must say i couldnt be bothered to do 

then I went looking on a website 2 people recommended to me at work today shein.uk

i found some stuff i liked but felt very much like i would have been buying for the sake of buying so i left it i did however enjoy looking at their halloween section seeing as every UK shop has got rid of halloween stuff this year :( i love pumpkins and bats T^T

Tomorrow is the last day of school for 2 weeks thank god cus i need to recharge and get myself together, me and jack have said however that we are gonna come in during the holidays. I want to kill more hours off before i have a house so that for the next few holidays I have off i can dedicate my time to the house and not have hours to do at school. Jack has almost completed his hours but I suggested to him to earn hours (as we cant earn over time pay just time off in leau) so that he can have the day off to move his stuff over the bungalow when we finally get the keys which he seems to think is a good idea

at school tomorrow I have got to go through all the topics that will happen in biology from now til christmas and see which practicals will happen and if i need any chemicals ordering, its really dull stuff. Then after lunch Chris is robbing me to help sort out some documents to make the layout better and such, stuff i can have a go at at least.Its design stuff anyway.

I get to wear non-uniform tomorrow :D and get free school meal, insec days rule XD

Pain clinic and started charmander

 Evening

Of course on a day where I dont have to get up as early, I still dont sleep well and still wake early!

I was shattered this morning

I had time for 20mins of yoga and to sit with my tens machine

it was a different morning I guess

I got to the pain clinic for 9am

I saw my usual hypermobility specialist, shes always impressed at how far I have come

but she also jumped on the band wagon and told me how bad my health is right now and how stressed my body is >.> yeesh im sick to death of hearing it!! I know its bad I know I am stressed

she said it will get better

she also said to not wear my supports which i havent been doing as they are poorly fitted. She said muscles become weak and reliant on them. She said my joints havent gotten worse, its simply my pain is a lot worse so certain areas feel like theyre hurting just cus pain is worse.

She said as well with my hypermobility that in my 30s my pain and clicking will be worse but then towards my 40s it will be a lot better as the body starts to naturally stiffen up, she says she sees no hypermobility patients in their 40s then she said i might be more prone to arthritis to which she said if i do get it i will get it several years earlier than most

fantastic

she said I need to be more selfish and think of myself, to rest more and tell people you need or help or arent doing something. to load off onto people stresses i cant handle. she says i need to cut out as much stress as i can - one being dad's attitude

i left for school and had an easy day really

done feel i did much at all but it was boring

chris said he might have me helping him design some school documents on friday and he said the displays i have done in science have gone on the school website for the new year 6 to see :D that made me happy as it feels worth doing when they are appreciated.

I came home and had a brew with mum and Oz then went for a walk with mum

she wanted to hear about pain clinic and she had a few rants about stuff 

she says she will talk to dad about dogging me about the bungalow

i came back and got in pyjamas, got stuff ready for school, had dinner

then started drawing my halloween charmander

its going well i think

tomorrow is school

really cant be bothered!

just want to sleep~

Molly's lump and Bulbasaur finished

 Evening

I didn't sleep that well, woke up at midnight after over heating, I had slept in my dressing gown so I wasnt too shocked. I decided to get up, air the bed and cool off. Had some cereal and pain killers and went back to bed just before 1am. Then woke up at 3am - cold as I hadnt got my dressing on - cant win!

Then finally woke up at 5:30am and stayed in bed til 5:50am

I was dreading dad opening his mouth and disturbing my morning, literally cant cope with him or his tension first thing in the morning. but luckily he didnt say anything

School was lonnggggg

I had no practicals, but also I had no lessons tomorrow! there wasnt even anything to prep! that is a rarity it doesnt happen often. Sure as hell makes the day go slow. Jack had me doing display work, which I usually dont mind doing but I cant get enthusiastic about science paintings 

So i kept coming back to it

but it didnt help it being so damn cold. Its October - it's cold. And the school still havent put the heating on!!!! the windows and doors in every room and corridor are open, making the school bloody freezing. We thought our radiator in the prep room wasnt working but no its actually cus they havent put the heating on! Im hoping they are waiting til after this week, after the 2 weeks half term holiday. I wasnt the only one moaning about the cold the literally every member of staff was. teachers walking in the corridors with coats on. doesnt look right. and i think "at least i can layer up and walk round" unlike the kids who have a uniform and have to sit in the their seats. they must be freezing

in the end i ended up being a shivering ball on the floor

i was so cold and numb I stopped thinking. I have poop circulation anyway never mind when its extra cold. I literally stop functioning and my body shuts down, i felt like crap and I was really tired. I wanted to come home and asked jack if i could work from home XD

i had an early lunch by myself so i could take pain killers in the hopes i would feel better

it kinda worked i guess

Me and jack signed a bit or paperwork for the solicitors 

didnt get the display anywhere near finished theres just so much to do!

I came home and mum made me brew and I had a cake or 2 

then I got Molly ready for the vets, she was good girl in the car as there was about a 20min wait

the vet took her and we had to wait outside for her, which was very odd and it didnt sit well with me. I mean god only knows how i will be next month when I take Ozwald for his check up and jabs. The idea of handing him over to a stranger and not being able to see whats happening or be with him, yeah I dont like it one bit. But says it will all be fine

Molly came out and she had been a good girl I think, we didnt hear squeaking anyway

the vet wasnt overly concerned, he said the lump may continue to grow so we can monitor it and see how it goes, they could take cells with a needle and poke it a few times and wipe the cells on a slide then send that slide off for analysis (this way molly wouldnt need to be put under) or to just take the lump now. But he said that the lump was movable so it meant it wasnt attached to any organs. we decided to keep an eye on it for now. 

so we took her home and i put her with her babies and cut them some grass, the vet trip was all soon forgotten about 

I washed my face and put my pyjamas on then had dinner then did some yoga

then i wanted to start my drawing but i have ran out of time plus im really tired

so i will leave it for tomorrow i think

but i got bulbasaur done anyway, i think he looks cute :3

tomorrow

i actually get a 'lay in' til 7am anyway

as i have pain clinic at 9am, i could get up a bit later but it clashes with my family's usual routine of when i have left the house, i leave before my brother and mum get out of bed usually!

so i will get up at 7am and then leave the house around 8:40am

i am seeing the hypermobility specialist as im concerned about my joints, then i will go straight to work from there, making sure to wear another layer to work -_____-

i have no lessons tomorrow so i hope its not another long day, i said to jack i might just not bother coming in XD so yeah thats tomorrow anyway