Last day of 2021

 Evening~~

It's the last day of 2021! 

I got off to sleep ok last night but woke up at 1am for a wee then slept til 8am and left Jack in bed he woke up at 9:30am

but jesus christ waking up, I felt like I had been in a car accident in the night

I hurt a lot from my massage -_______-

I worked on my jacket and mum came over at 11am for a cup of tea and brought Ozwald's birthday present too, it looks good. A tube made of willow I am sure he will like it. He gets it next friday when he turns 5! Mum said she will bake a cake ^^

I had lunch then did a bit more sewing but I was so tired and crippled, I reluctantly went to bed for an hour. When I got up I asked Jack if we could go for a short walk. I felt so exhausted doing our 40min walk. We came in and had a cup of tea

then I did some more sewing, the sleeve cuffs really challenged me >.> I was patient and got it done but it took far longer than it should have...

we did dinner, it was a different meal. it was left over chicken with scrambled egg in a wrap, then salad on the side. Yeah it was good. We also finished darker than black :) not sure what we are going on to next actually

Then I had a bath, but I could hear Oz thudding in the living room, Jack was trying to calm him down but its me he wants. So I got out and dressed and fussed him. I cut Jack's hair as well as he was a bit untidy to say the least.

Now just doing my diary on the living room floor with him

Not sure what we are doing tonight and how long I will keep Oz inside for.

we said we might play pokemon in bed til midnight and I might keep Oz in til 9ish 

I shall see. Depends how tired I am and how the fire works are.

But anyway this is the last post of 2021!!

So this year....lets see.....

well first off my goals for this year which I set this time last year were

to keep working full time

to be able to look after myself in my home and working life

to get my craft room up and running and to do all my craft work from my own home

to keep up with my art and crafts and japanese - its important to find time for myself

to not get snowed under with life and put too much on myself

to put myself first, ask for help, not be hard on myself, and bloody look after myself more

So I am still working full time - however I did have practically all of the summer term off sick from work. I think I burned myself out. With work, the house, exercising, dieting. Looking back, I really wasnt kind to myself...

Look after myself in home and working life - I am still exercising each day and eating home cooked food. But once again I know I havent been totally able to look after myself I suppose. I do self destruct myself. I rely on Jack to help a lot with the house work. But I am trying. Its hard as this is the first full year of working AND living from the family home. Its A LOT

my craft room! its done really! its so much better than when we moved in. It feels like MY room and its so nice to be able to leave stuff out each day without having to pack it all away. I LOVE my craft room. I am still doing wall art but theres no rush with that and i might get some shelving but not sure yet. All my fabric is over and my sewing stuff so I can do my stuff from here now :) I have a lovely welsh dresser full of my paper crafts. The under the stairs cupboard is full of fabric. To be honest I am still learning where I have put everything...

keeping up with arts and craft, well I know I didnt do as much as what I did in 2020, as I have a house now and a full time job. Both require time and energy....T^T so my arts and crafts has suffered however I am still doing them. I didnt give them up! I still do Duolingo app on my phone each day and I was in the top 5% of the hardest workers on it this year ^^ I am also reading Japanese Kanji information posts on instagram. So I am still educating myself on Japanese

and as for putting too much on myself....well I know I have been too hard on myself. I expected a lot on myself in the summer months. I was losing weight and trying to do the house up and work and yeah it was a lot on me. I guess I wasnt asking for help. I burned myself out and ended up being no good to anyone. Jack had to go to work by himself. I was around the house in a coma like state just recovering. It wasnt fun and probably could have been prevented.

what happened this year?

well in the last month I have lost 3 people, they have sadly passed away. One being Karen who was very important to me, she did so much for me and helped me recover from my illness. She met me at 20 when I was at my worst and really helped me. The other was Lynn's husband den who was such a character and always treated me to food, and sewing things. He was very kind to me. And i could tell he loved Lynn who had been mistreated by men, I was happy she had someone like him in her life. Lastly was Brian, my mum walks with his wife and I used to run with him when I used to be in running club 3 years ago. Mum still walks with his wife each week and has supported her through his sudden illness, he was very gentle and kind.

we lost Molly mole, she was so lovely and raised Truffle and Tillie. Mum still misses molly and tillie has become a mini mole XD

My friends - most of them - have turned 30! we are entering our 30's the next decade of life. Some have got married, planning weddings, planning children. 30's looks like it will bring a lot of changes. And potentially change our friendship dynamic but I am not afraid I want to embrace the change. I know that children arent an option for me but I wish to support my friends who do choose to have children.

we did a lot of the house up, we had our bathroom ripped out start of January and finished end of January and I love our bathroom, I clean it every week without fail. We started on the garden and made a good dent in it, all to try make it more manageable for ourselves but we are yet to finish. We decorated every room tho. Id like the kitchen ripped out but its money....

I started my biology GCSE, which I find difficult but I would like to continue and see it through over the next few years

so what it is it I want for this year?

Well I know I want to get more of the garden done!!! Get to a point where its easy to manage

keep going with my biology GCSE, ask for help if I need it without worrying about looking stupid

I want to keep going with my exercises mainly my weights. I want to become stronger. I dont want to be muscly I am not into that look but I just want to be stronger and strengthen my joints.

too keep enjoying living with my Jack and love him to pieces as I do. I want our relationship to remain strong like it has done this year. We are certainly a lot stronger this year for living together.

I want to try and take better care of myself. I need to stop and rethink before i burn myself out. Its not fair to myself and does no one any favours if I become in such a state. So I think I need to be more honest with how I am actually feeling. Put myself first instead of work, instead of pleasing others, instead doing things in the day i THINK i should be doing. I  do not need to live up to pressures I put on myself. No one put these pressures on me, so why should I do it to myself?

to try and take a few more photos of myself. I think I took about 2 or 3 of myself this year and even then they had to be taken on a good mental day. I have been hating the way I look. And why? why should I feel this way? because of this, I have no way to physically look back. I have no evidence of myself. and its....sad....I know I will regret this. So I need to get over the way I am feeling about myself and proudly take photos of myself. for my future self

I think these are all things I can work on in the year. Its still difficult with corona so I had to choose more mindfully. And theres things Id love to do with the house but thats a joint decision and one based on money AND my stress levels/mental ability.

so I think thats it

I hope my friends and family are healthy this year, I am very lucky to have had anther year with my amazing bunny. I hope hes around this time next year!

Let's welcome 2022 with a smile its twenty-tutu~

last massage of the year and it was good~

 Evening

My pierced ear is sore >< 

Last night I couldnt sleep I was aching and felt very sick

think taking tablets on a salad didnt help matters so Jack got up with me and I had some fruit loaf and biscuits and I did feel better

we were back in bed for midnight

I dreamed again

I also got 10 hours sleep

making it 10am when i woke up....> <

My mum rang me and said she was on a walk and could she pop in for a brew so she did that at 10:45am so I just about had time to sort my self out she came in when I was just finishing my skin care off

its good to see her tho

I then did 40mins of yoga and really ached afterwards

we had lunch

then I did some sewing and my jacket it looking more like a jacket now ^^

then I had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack before I went to my massage

which felt so damn good 

I came in had a bath, did dinner, and felt wiped out after all that

I am done -_____- Jo is ready for bed

told jack to go game with theo as I need an early night >< I am so shattered

so I will go have a hot chocolate, play pokemon, sleep.

thats me done

tomorrow

just sewing really~

couldnt remember how much id taken ^^;

 Evening

I was by myself last night which I told Jack - several times - its fine

and it was 

But I didnt count on aching as much as I did

and I took extra pain killers and tried to sleep

I heard someone say - a mans voice - "are you ok?" so that made my heart hammer, obviously no one was there I do just hear things on the odd occasion 

it was 1:30am when I looked the time and i was like "man" T^T

next thing I knew I could hear footsteps outside at the side of the house, I think I must have been asleep about half hour, so I was half asleep listening thinking "just what is jack doing?"

then when I woke up a bit more I could hear Jack was actually in the bathroom

but I could also hear these footsteps outside, so I laid and listened

then outside wasnt going on so I was like "just what the hell!?"

when Jack came out the bathroom did I notice for the first time that those footsteps sounds were actually a very odd popping noise my stomach was making. it was a very odd sound. I was still like half asleep

I could feel my heart hammering tho. When Jack climbed into bed I told him I was awake

he asked if I was ok and it was like 2am

I said "no my stomach doesnt sound right, my heart is hammering and i feel sick and not well"

he asked "how much have you had"

and when I thought about it

i didnt know

I actually couldnt remember how much I had taken from 9pm onwards....

so of course this panicked him. He tried not to panic but i could tell he was worried

he offered to get up with me and make me some fruit loaf as usually eating helps

I had earlier at 9pm a milk hot chocolate and at 11ish I had a biscuit

so I had had something

we got up and he turned the lights on and was like "jesus Jo you dont look good"

I looked at myself and I looked like a druggy, I just looked awful

he made me fruit loaf and we were up til 3am til I felt a bit better and he said I looked better but blamed it all on his self

i said "how is this your fault!?" he said "cus I wasnt around to see you take drugs, I wasnt around to make you fruit loaf"

not his fault. I wasnt self inflicting myself or anything I just was getting desperate as nothing was working and kinda forgot how many drugs I had taken ><

safe to say he's decided not to game tonight XD

so we went to bed at 3am and he fell asleep like instantly

and was snoring

I still couldnt sleep so I got up, went on my laptop, pinned some fabric, was up til 4:30am anyway

I had set an alarm for 8am as I needed to get up for food shop

So I did get some sleep, and even managed to have a dream

we got the food shop done but I felt a bit rough round the shop

we got back and had a cup of tea then I went to bed for 90mins

I got up we had lunch then I went over to mum's for a bit to see her and her freshly bathed sows then I came in at 3pm finally got to do some sewing.

did some dinner which was salad. salad that was obviously cold. cold food gives me stomach ache

how can i forget!? so i had stomach pains for a while

I could not be arsed to do a work out but did about 25mins of weights

had a bath now I am gonna watch anime and have hot chocolate and play pokemon in bed ^^

tomorrow

just got a massage at 4pm so I plan on doing some yoga before then

I also would like to do some sewing as I hardly did any today probably less than an hour

Pierced my ear

 Evening

Keep thinking about Karen. 

I went to bed by myself as Jack was gaming

But I got up. I decided I would pierce my ear in remembrance of Karen. I have had a self piercing kit thing for months now but just couldnt bring myself to pierce my ear again >< But last night I got the courage to do it. Thinking what ever I put in that hole will be special and make me think of her. It will be my final piercing. My last and 9th piercing. 

Weirdly I didnt feel anything!! I could feel a slight throb when I got back into bed tho. It soon went and I soon fell asleep.

I woke up at 1:30am for a wee but got back off to sleep til 8:30am! Jack was awake and I expected him to go back to sleep but he got up. He said he was up til 2am. I didnt even hear him come to bed! I fell asleep that quickly under my weighted blanket. I have also had dreams the last 2 nights. something that had stopped the few months. I dream EVERY night without fail and theyre very vivid but they had stopped. Maybe that was because my sleep quality was bad? Maybe I was so drained? dont know. But last two nights ive had vivid dreams again which also helps keep me asleep

I told Jack about my ear. He was ok about it. I didnt tell him I did it for Karen and I want to have a special earring in it

We had Ozwald in and then we put him outside. I did a bit of sewing then mum came over at 11am for a brew it was good to see her. I didnt tell her I had pierced my ear.

she ranted off about living with two autistic men XD how hard  it. How we do nothing as a family cus of dad and how shes trapped in her relationship 

what do i say? I get told off for saying "you chose to marry him" XD so I dont say it anymore.

she reluctantly left at 12:15pm and Jack came down stairs to have lunch with me

I did a bit more sewing but it makes me tired and achy

I laid on the bed for an hour, had a brew and then did a bit more sewing whilst jack sat with Oz. But I dont feel like I have gotten that far with it all!! Its very slow but some of it is because I want to do a detailed jacket not a plain one.

we had dinner then I am just doing my diary in the lounge with Oz and Jack

I will go on just dance with my weights after this then have a bath

Jack will have the bath after me then hes going to go game late with theo again

he was going to have an evening with me but I told him to go make the most of having late nights during the holidays. We go back to work on tuesday after all!

so I am by myself again tonight. its fine I can cope

tomorrow

going food shopping so we have enough food til sunday then we will be back on our normal sunday shopping routine. Need to go doctors to drop a prescription in but thats it really rest of the day will hopefully be mine!

my brother had his covid booster yesterday and he feels rough today. Glad he got it done even tho he says its the last one hes getting done >.>

Karen...

 Evening~~

We watched anime and stuff last night, then I checked my phone at 9:15pm. My mum had txt me at 8:30pm saying Karen had passed away peacefully and pain free.....jesus it had really happened. I couldnt really speak for a while as I knew id break out in tears and I didnt want to do that right before bed time. But I couldnt stop thinking about her, how much she did for me, and her poor family left behind....its awful. Such a beautiful soul. I had never met someone with such love and kindness for life. She taught me so much. She helped me so much. I am truly blessed to have known her. she truly was one in a million. I just cant quite get over that I will never ever see her again. Its a hard pill to swallow. Her poor family tho.....

I managed to get off to sleep even tho I was aching. I was under both the weighted blanker AND the duvet. I woke up at 1:30am dripping in sweat. I had over heated!!!! I woke Jack up and we were up for an hour whilst I waited for numerous pain killers to kick in

I slept after that til 8am, I left Jack to sleep he woke up at 9am. I was already with Oz and had breakfast

I let Oz play outside today even tho it was wet and cold and he appreciated playing out which was nice.

I had fallen back to sleep after breakfast >< Jack said maybe the work out I did last night was too big....

I got up at 11am and went on my phone for a bit and then spoke to my brother

We had lunch at 12:30pm

then we tackled something I knew Jack didnt want to do.....mount the Dyson bracket to the wall

that means DRILLING. Jack HATES drilling it fills him with anxiety and stress. Not sure why. So I supported him every step of the way even if he was a bit stressy >< 

But he did it!! such an achievement I knew he could do it ^^ he just needs confidence!

So the Dyson is good to go

then I worked on my jacket, finally......

I got it all cut out which took a fair amount of time

we had a brew together as Jack had been gaming

we had Oz in

my mum rang me saying she felt suicidal with my dad's company. She needed to hear a female voice

then had dinner around 5pm as I was hungry

Then I fell asleep after dinner but Jack woke me up and I did a work out. I chose a 45min long video but Jack told me not to do it all and so I only got to do 30mins >.>

I had a nice bath

now Jack is in the bath then hes gaming with Theo tonight, he wants a late night. So hes not coming to bed with me.

So I dont know whether to do some sewing or drawing before I settle down for the night.

I shall see how I feel

Tomorrow

mum is coming over in the morning for a brew. Dad will still be at home, she needs space from him....

apart from that another day to do hobbies I guess

weighted blanket

 Evening

So last night we tried the weighted blanket....Jack did not like it and didnt even attempt to sleep with it. I found it a bit crushing and I could not move it, its just far too heavy so I had to get Jack to position it on me. I slept on top of the duvet but under the blanket, however I know I had times in the night when I was cold in my sleep. 

But apart from that I SLEPT....maybe theres something in this weighted blanket

also what I found interesting was that I had gone to bed really quite achy, normally I would be up til midnight with Jack taking more pain killers but last night, I got off to sleep. That NEVER happens!!

I will be trying it again tonight~

We got up at 8am and I had a bit of breakfast Jack didnt want any XD

He kindly hung my pokemon pictures on the wall in my craft room and my cousins canvas

I took the christmas tree down, christmas is done with for another year woop!

we didnt have lunch and I went to bed, I was so frustrated!!!! I wanted to do stuff but my body was tired and achy and I couldnt think. Jack said to go to bed for an hour and then I will be good to go

so he put me under my weighted blanket and I soon dropped off

I was cobby when I woke up

I was so annoyed, i felt no better!!!

so I sat with Oz in the lounge as Jack gamed on his new game for 3 hours straight

I was unpicking a jacket I want to use the templates for with my new jacket and of course I was fussing the lad

I made some biscuits then microwaved our dinner which took a lot longer than I thought but hey it was easy I guess

Then after dinner I wrote my 2022 calendar, birthdays etc

now going to do a bit of drawing then do a work out! 

I want to get back into my weights, I am not strong. And not being able to move that 6kg blanket around is pathetic so I need to train my muscles if I am to get stronger.

I would like to get stronger in this next year.

oh here's my drawing so far

Tomorrow

no plans really so hopefully I will get more done, we are going to find some where to mount the dyson, we charged it up today but we dont know where to put it yet ^^;

 I will have another go with my weighted blanket tonight~

Christmas 2021

 Evening~~

I struggled to sleep last night so we were up til 1am cus of me ><

Just was aching bad, like growing pains

I did get off after several pain killers and getting up

I woke up at 6:30am tho T^T

I decided to wake Jack so we could put the lamb on to cook and he was fine with getting up, I offered to go back to bed with him but he said he was up now. So we started christmas at 7am

we had breakfast with Oz and I went back to bed for an hour then we opened stuff up with Ozwald. He really enjoyed it, chewing wrapping paper, pushing over presents, nudging us, jumping on boxes. Loved it and it was entertaining to watch. I went to clean his cage out whilst Jack tidied up the wrapping paper, Oz helped me clean out

mum dropped by and gave me a hug as she was already  having to take dad out for a walk at 10am...

We had an easy day, I mean I went back to bed again

But when I got up I said to Jack I needed structure and a plan of action with the dinner as I had no idea how to cook stuff - timings 

so we wrote down timings and then we said we would go for a walk together

so we did a cold hours walk we came in and had a cup of tea then began our hour's battle with dinner and it was all very successful everything was cooked and we served it up without it going cold as well. We just did really well.

we watched another episode of darker than black whilst eating, no christmas films in this house XD

then cleared up and at 6pm we are going over to my parents house for presents and cake. I want cake but lord knows where it will go. We are both so so full.....I want cake tho. I dont have stomach ache I am just very full. Think my stomach has gone into shock DX

Oz has been sleeping for ages, think hes tired bun after this morning

We will come home and have a bath then ether watch anime or just play pokemon in bed see how tired we are I guess. I bet there will be time for anime tho

Everyone was pleased with their gifts ^^ so I was happy about that

Jack got me a mini bunny plush, kitty head phones that light up! christmas candles

his mum got me a bunny water bottle and a matching pouch, nail varnish and a bunny mug 

his sister sophie got me some sakura hair clips which are cute

his sister chrissy got me a diffuser 

his brother tom got me stuff from lush

my cousin Remi did me a printed canvas of her digital art work!!!

mia got me a nine tail fox creature on a coaster, ginger bread earrings, 

tara made me 2 pokemon card resin coasters theyre fantastic, nail varnish, a stitch pouch, 

my mum brought me a weighted blanket! something I have been looking at for a while but wasnt sure whether to buy one as theyre not cheap! and its a lovely blush colour and so soft! I am going to try it out tonight! she got me some bath bombs and then from my parents we got a V8 Dyson hover.....mother of god man...finally I will be able to do some hoovering as I cant move ours its just too heavy. Jack struggles with it as its just hard work

my brother got me some washi tape and other embellishments for scrapbooking

so yeah a lot of good gifts *0* 

I normally take photos but I chose not to this year.

I want to go rest in bed with my weighted blanket. Its suppose to be good for sleep

It's christmas eve and I feel ok~~~

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night so we were up til midnight -______-

but I slept after that and woke up at 8am, plenty of time to get ready

I put on a cute top, shorts and tights and Jack said I looked cute ^^

He drove us there

we were with his aunt, uncle, brother, sisters, step dad, mum, nan

I was sat by the window with Jack -cold but safe

they all had sausage or bacon cob but no one made a fuss about me not eating much to my relief

I was really grateful of that

I did eat some biscuits :) I had a cup of tea

I spoke with everyone and made the effort to talk to his brother as we hardly get to see him

they exchanged gifts, we had to open the ones from his nan. She got Jack a jumper and me some outdoor bunny ornaments but not sure if they will make it to outside XD

His aunt and uncle gave us £20 each which was nice of them :) to say its the second time theyve met me

and we stayed for 2 and a half hours and we left when his aunt and uncle did.

It was nice, I enjoyed it

I didnt come away feeling absolutely drained ether

we got home and I had lunch, Jack didnt bother

I then said I was really pent up, I needed to move!!! i had been sat all morning and it was literally killing me so we went for a walk but not a massive one as I still had stuff to do so I needed energy and I was starting to tire.

He left me at the bottom of mum's road and I went to see her

I got to lick the bowl out, have some warm sponge cake and painted mum's nails

she appreciated me coming round ^^

I got home and rest 40mins with Oz then cleaned the bathroom

then I cooked my breakfast meats, then did the dinner, then died of the dinner time tummy ache which seems to be a regular thing lately

when I got up I went for a shower and now I am in new pyjamas as jack's mum gifted us both with a pyjama set which is a yearly tradition in their house

so I think we will watch anime and play pokemon in bed

I feel pretty good but a bit worn out but to say how much I have done and how much ive been doing I am actually doing really well

I am sad that its another day of doing nothing for myself and giving myself to other people but hey its life i guess T^T

could be worse, Mia txt to say she has covid so thats ruined her christmas, birthday, and birthday party. 3 days ruined for her. she must be livid. especially as she went out her was on monday to get her booster before christmas. 

so tomorrow is christmas

we're slow cooking lamb and making a christmas dinner at some point! should be good! Then in the evening we are seeing my parents for cake~ apart from that just be a day with the bun, he is gonna love opening everything!!

Both headachy from the vaccine

 Evening

I managed some digital drawing last night but im not sure how it will turn out yet!

We played pokemon together in bed but instead of being cuddled up with one another we were turned away from one another - like we had had an argument or something! But it was because we had sore arms!

I slept tho ^^

Which surprised me as I spent a lot of time in bed....

When we got up we put the korean stew in the slow cooker...dont know what it will be like. i think it smells weird but jack says it smells nice

This morning we were both really headachy. My head felt like grand canyon trying to form in my head and my head has pretty much hurt all day Jack seems ok after taking paracetamol 

I suggested to go for a walk to clear our heads this morning so we went for an hours walk at 9:30 which was nice and as we got in it was starting to rain so good timing! We had a cup of tea when we got in. But that walk wiped me out! jesus. I was done

my mum came over at 11am and she had a cup of tea and wrapped my brother's 1 present she had stored over here as it was too big for her to store secretly at hers. We all ate lunch together including Ozwald

then mummy left us and I put Oz away as I wanted to get on with some chores which ended up just being dusting for me. I did one window but as I had my right arm jabbed I really struggled so I got Jack to do the other window in the bedroom. I dusted bedroom, hall, living room, craft room. Jack then hoovered up. So we have tidy house for christmas. I will clean the bathroom tomorrow and I will give Oz his usual saturday clean, just because its christmas doesnt make it any different. My boy still needs clean home~

I flaked out on the bed and fell asleep for an hour >< wasnt the plan but yeah I had flagged

I got up and had a cup of tea with Oz and Jack

then went on my laptop watching idols

Now I am gonna do noodles to have with the dinner. I find that odd, stew + noodles. But I want to try.

Then we will have a shower later~

tomorrow

in the morning we are going over to jack's mum's for 10am and shes doing a 'breakfast' we dont know what this entails but I have been stressing about this so Jack said I will have breakfast as normal with my meds in the morning then if I want anything at his mums I can or can just have a cup of tea. She wont mind. So pressure off. But his brother, nan, aunt and uncle will be there >< hope they dont think I am weird or difficult. I will maybe wear something cute or just go in comfy wear I shall see how I feel tomorrow.

Then just bathroom to clean

stressful booster

 Evening

I was up til midnight with jack as I was stressing about jab as of course I was

I was also stressing about having breakfast at his mum's on friday

I did eventually get off to sleep but kept waking as I was cold. It was -2c last night!!!

This morning we got up at 8am and had a rush round to get out the house for our jab appointment at 9:10am. However what was the point of an appointment!?

we may as well have gone a walk in centre...

we joined a snaking que that was literally playing musical chairs, we had to keep getting up and moving down the chair line. And what a line....we were waiting almost an hour......

But what made things worse was that no one was socially distanced, we were sandwiched next to one another, no window or door open and the air con was on

SERIOUSLY!?

we've been so careful with covid but felt like we were going there to literally catch it not get a jab for it

eventually we got called up and jack told the nurse that im prone to fainting so I got special treatment with Jack XD a doctor did us in her room away from everyone and I got to lay down having it

we then went to the shops for our last shop before christmas, I had brought a sweet biscuit with me to revive me and I somehow got the job done. It was soooo busy but as we only needed a few bits we were very fast and got out quick

We got home at 11am and from then til 7:30pm Oz has been inside!!! I knew he wouldnt want to play out today and Jack has been in the living room all day so they have been together in there

I have been lazing on my bed

just one of those day I need mental and physical rest and to write the day off

we had a shower and dinner 

and yeah ive done no exercise or anything today

literally monging out on my bed which is what was needed -_____- waste of a day

I just hope that we are ok tomorrow after jabs

so far we feel fine just a bit achy arm

tomorrow mummy is coming over in the morning ;)

made 3 christmas presents today

 Evening

After taking 18 zapain....I about conked out....

So I was in bed for 8pm as I was so tired, I took my final tablets of the day and it finished me off! I was playing pokemon in bed and I couldnt keep my eyes open. I vaguely remember Jack coming to bed which would have been like 9:30pm. I then fell asleep til 8:20am....Jack said in the morning, that I spoke something that didnt make sense when he came to bed then just fell asleep XD yeah I dont remember that! Jo was drugged....I just needed a day without pain

This morning I told Jack to let Oz outside rather than bringing him inside as it was light out

but Oz sat on his fort - his way of saying " I wanna come in!" he didnt even do toilet outside he wanted to be on his warm blanket and do toilet >.> spoilt bun. He also wanted his morning carrot...

So after all that I put him outside and he sat on fort again so I went out to him and he almost leapt up me. I brought him inside and told Jack that he could be with Oz whilst he did his wrapping. 

All I could hear was Jack talking to Oz and telling him how much of a pest he was

he walked all over wrapping paper, pushed gifts around, chewed wrapped presents....beast >.>

I on the other hand was in my craft room, sewing!

when was the last time I did any sewing!? 

I made dad a mask for christmas not that he asked for one but mum said he lost the only one he had which was one I had made for him. I know mum would prefer it if he had a mask instead of using disposable ones. I also made mum her bumbag shes been wanting for ages. She doesnt use it in the winter so I havent sweated about getting in done and asked her if I could make it for her christmas present and she said it was fine. It tested me a bit as I had to think about it but I actually got it right and it came out ok. She can wear it ether side and one side is guinea pig fabric the other is bunny fabric.

I am sure she will be dead pleased with it. No other reason than it has guinea pigs on it. I have NEVER in my life come across guinea pig fabric but I randomly found some on ebay a year ago and hid it away, not telling mum. I cant find that fabric online again, really weird. So I only have a small piece left. I cant wait for her to see it ^^

we went for an hours walk and ended up at mum's for a cup of tea as she was going to come to us anyway. I saw my brother for a bit too.

then we walked home, I have started cutting out a mask for jack, he could be doing with one more mask. So I will make it for him as an extra for christmas it will be bunny fabric! Im sure he will like it X3 I will finish it in bit when my Oz has gone home for the night.

I had a shower before dinner as I couldnt stop sweating and I was just feeling grim

did dinner

and just with Oz now as Jack is gaming with theo. He said hes gonna come off around 8:30 so we can watch anime and play pokemon in bed as hes missed doing that with me. 

Im hoping to finish his mask before he comes downstairs

tomorrow

I dont want tomorrow >< got my booster at 9:10am then were going shopping straight from there T^T we dont need much so if I cant do it I can wait in the car whilst Jack shops. It is an option. Mum should be shopping the same time as us so may bump into her

so tomorrow is jab really and recovery T^T

booked my booster jab

 Evening~~

I couldnt sleep last night, so I was up til 2am...I was so done

My alarm went off at 8am as we both needed to get up and out for 9am

Jack went shopping with his younger sister he didnt get home til 1:30pm

I went for a 90min walk with mia....sweet jesus

And I  dont think I spoke on the whole walk! She just spoke about her life and wedding stuff. She even wanted to walk to the next town so she could see if the pharmacy was doing booster jabs. Not once did she ask me "am I ok? do you mind me doing that? can you walk that far? do you have time?" it was a case of we are doing this end of.

I was dead when I got home. She did however get an appointment for an hour's time 

so I thought it was best that I also arrange my booster. I have booked me and Jack in for weds morning

but I am not sure what I even got out of seeing mia. Like I said I never got chance to speak. She also said she hadnt brought me much for christmas as shes not really doing gifts this year as they need to save up for their wedding. I said to her "I wish I had known!! I would have quite happily have wrote christmas off this year!" But as she had sent me a txt last month saying her a rob were going christmas shopping in manchester I assumed everything was as normal...jeez

But anyway, she has her gift, ive seen her. Probably see her on her birthday. She said I can bring Jack too if he wants to come

So I got home and had a cup of tea then booked covid jabs

did some jacket design. Then mum came over for lunch and a chat

when she left Jack txt to say he was on the bus home

So he came in and he had kindly brought us both a doughnut. Mine was pretty plain just icing and no filling. His had apple sauce in the centre....thats disgusting. He said it was weird. I was having a war in my head about what I was eating but I was telling myself that Jack had brought it for me and it was an act of kindness I shouldnt turn away. I had done a big walk. So yeah the war was hard. i ate it but hours later - still hating myself for it.....

I went on the bed to rest for an hour and Jack played on his switch next to me

we got up and I ran a bath, Jack was with Oz in the living room. After he had a bath we had dinner. Hes now gone to play with theo online again. I dont mind as he said he would be off at 9:30pm to play pokemon in bed. I will take Oz home soon then maybe work on the numerous sewing project I have...I have 4 sewing projects to do...Or I might do digital drawing....

Jack has finished his christmas shopping now hes just got to wrap it all up. 

I have taken A LOT of medication today as I had had enough of aching and feeling. Needed to be numb

tomorrow

not got anything on so I might get some arts and crafts done :)

wonder if I will sleep tonight

reluctantly put the tree up

 Evening

I didnt sleep too bad last night I guess

I woke up at 8:20am and woke Jack up too

I started eating my breakfast but had to get up to go die on the toilet

good lord I died

Then we had food shop

we managed to get a fair amount so hopefully wednesday's shop wont be too horrendous 

we came back and unpacked and brought Oz in for morning carrot whilst we had a cup of tea

then I made soup, cooked meat, made biscuits, marinated fish for tonight 

finally sitting down with my lunch

I went to bed after I ate my lunch as I was just done

When I got up I didnt do a great deal as I am just flat. My energy is non-existent

Jack motivated me and got the christmas decs out the roof so we put the tree up which didnt take long as we dont have much to put on the tree. I couldnt be bothered so its not my best effort. Still, I am glad we did put it up in the end. We decided against the christmas lights tho as we knew Oz would just hound the cable.....Oz didnt help much with putting the tree up. Hes been in the loaf position most of today, hes not feeling it ether

i drew out ideas for my hoodie but my brain is too tired to think about making a hoodie so I cant figure stuff out. Jo is too flat. All I wanna do is sleep.....

I made dinner and whilst it was cooking I rang my mum. She said theyre fine after their covid booster. We spoke of Karen who is now home. They have said anyone can come at any time so visit her. But Im not sure I have the strength to see her in her final days....Ive seen it with my granny and it does haunt you. I only saw karen about 6 weeks ago she was so full of life and its how I want to remember her. Besides she had loadsssss of friends and family so I know shes not alone and will have A LOT of people visit her. I know I wont be able to keep it together round her. But I also feel selfish for crying in front of her. Me and mum said we would think about it. Mum saw her sister and her mum die of cancer and saw them in their final hours. Mum still has nightmares about it. It does stay with you. Maybe its selfish to protect yourself from further hurt and bad memories. I am not sure. its a tough one. If she was alone and wouldnt have many come see her then I wouldnt hesitate to go see her. 

we had dinner and I luckily didnt receive any further stomach pains as every bit of food ive had last few days has hurt.

I didnt exercise yesterday, I feel I SHOULD do some tonight. I am hoping I get some energy from somewhere to do a bit. Who knows...

Jack is going to go and game in a min with theo and possibly harvey

so I will be by myself tonight. I am still with Oz right now. 

I will do my nails after my bath and maybe play pokemon in bed

tomorrow

i am suppose to be seeing mia tomorrow for a dog walk and present exchange but not heard from her in over a week so who knows

Jack will be going to the city centre with his younger sister to do last minute christmas shopping. He probably wont be home for lunch so mummy is going to come over for lunch. 

we're at home now

 Evening

totally forgot to do my diary

only thought about 9:30pm and by which point I was in bed and couldnt care less!

so anyway we have broke up for christmas!!! woobloodywoo!!!

yesterday at school it did feel somewhat like a wasted day for all involved. I didnt do much

i simply attended and couldnt wait to finish

on our way home we popped into TK and I got a candle its not christmasy as there wasnt much to pick from christmas candle wise and the ones that were selling themselves as christmas were grossly scented. I got some body oil and body wash

We went to B&M bargains and it was busy in there so we were like ninjas and I got my blankets, its a baby pinkish colour so thats what I am going with this year! Not sure on the design yet of my jacket

We got home and I went to bed~ I was DONE

I got up and was with Oz and had a bath then did dinner then jack sod off to go game. Last one of the year. So I was by myself all evening

I cleaned the bathroom and wrote shopping lists and food menus and did 30mins of yoga. I had no energy but pushed through I guess

I was in bed playing on my switch. Jack usually finishes gaming for 10pm but didnt finish til 10:50pm...I didnt say anything as its school holidays and last one of the year

I slept through the night as I was exhausted

I woke up at 8:20am and I just felt knackered

my body screaming at me to return to bed

I left Jack in bed he woke up at 10am

I had been with Oz, had breakfast and cleaned Oz out

then I went to mum's at 11am for a brew til 12;10 came home for lunch, had a shower and went for a hair cut. I wasnt in the mood but I needed to go 

Jack left the house before my shower he was off to see his family. But because of my hair cut he had to go alone. I am going over with him to see them on christmas eve.

I came home and I went to bed. I didnt fall asleep tho. So I simply rested in the warmth for an hour

I got up but my brain was still tired and fried. I still felt like I couldnt be creative so I decided to grab my bunny, it was 3pm by this point, and I wrapped all my presents! Done. We spent 3 hours doing that bugger of a task but its done now......Oz 'helped' I ended up bribing him with kibble as I was afraid I was gonna wrap him!

Jack came home after 6pm and we did dinner, he had brought treats back with him from his mums which is nice so we have home made scones for pudding!

hes having a shower now and I am just doing my diary

I almost put my tree up today but couldnt be bothered when I thought more about it

people at work said to put it up otherwise its just depressing but I feel so detached from christmas this year. I just cant seem to find any joy in it

I just keep thinking about karen....how theyre getting her ready to go home and die.

and it all feels so pointless. so materialistic 

my greatest joy this holiday is not going to work. but I dont want to spend my entire holiday simply recovering to go back and work I want to do things I enjoy so I can feel some sort of joy and happiness. 

Im off now til 4th january I think it is

tomorrow

its usually our weekly food shop, however because next sunday is boxing day and not even sure shops are open then, we are going to do another shop on wednesday with my mum. so tomorrow's shop is a 'mini' shop to tide us over til wednesday. so that shouldnt be too bad.

still have soup to make, meat to cook and biscuits to bake

I might do some drawing or maybe sewing. or even design my jacket~

we have both consumed today......

 evening

I attended school

I even slept! I got up for a wee but on the whole, I freakin slept! 

I actually felt ok about school this morning too, wasnt filled with anxiety and feeling sick 

so that was all a positive change!

I started to flag tho around 10am T^T I was so disappointed 

I mean what had a expected really? id been away from school for 2 days not 2 weeks

I found my lesson boring and hard not to actually fall asleep in!!

I struggled with the rest of the day but we didnt have much on so I actually didnt do a lot really

However.....

several people brought in A LOT of baked goods. I mean homemade baked goods not just store brought crap. Oh my god there was soooooo much. And I was struggling for energy. I was thinking "we arent going to any school christmas dues, we havent gone out for takeaway/pudding in ages and arent going to any time soon. This will be my christmas food treat". I simply consumed XD after my lunch I had 2 biscuits, 2 cup cakes and a slab of brownie. I was on the floor in a ball with the hot bag on my stomach - in pain. My stomach hated me. I had to make a trip to the staffroom toilets....all day since then my stomach has hated me and made so much noise even when I simply drink

but what was really lovely, was that Julia had brought us both a christmas present - we had given her chocolates. She gave Jack cider, and me....a house plant!!! I bloody love it!!! Its leaves are so pretty. It doesnt flower it simply grows these 2 tone green leaves. It likes humid places so I have put it in the bathroom and it looks great I am in love ^^

We came home and mum was already over, had a brew with her. Oz pestered her for treats and fuss >.> bloody rabbit. But hes happy bun today and had a clean bum, hes been drinking his probiotic too so Im hoping we are making progress!!

I did my work out to just dance not that I could be bothered. Then had a bath. Then I put Jack's pizza in the oven which was almost double the size he usually has - it was reduced. I had a piece of gammon but that was it for my dinner and even then my stomach hated that!! so I skipped dinner really as I wasnt hungry, id eaten plenty today, knew if I shoved food down me that I would have awful tummy ache + be kept up all night with food thoughts. As it is now I just hate my body but I dont want to diet myself too badly and all that jazz. Jack, despite me saying "dont need to eat it all you can have some for lunch tomorrow cold" ate all the pizza....he only had a biscuit and a cake at school. So he hadnt had as much as me but I was still surprised at how he managed to eat it all.....

so basically we both consumed today!!!

dear god we ate!

so we are both full and are skipping the hot chocolate tonight and were off to go play pokemon in bed at its 8:20pm and we finished up with food at 8pm so yeah were just gonna play pokemon in bed.

tomorrow

last bloody day

thank you LORD

jesus it has been hard

we finish at 1pm tomorrow

its christmas jumper day tomorrow

I dont have a christmas jumper. so i am wearing a white dress with blue stars on with glitter tights. and maybe boots. I havent told jack, I just said I will stick joggers on as who cares XD 

but after work we are popping to B&M for blankets for me to rip up to make a jacket and TK for a christmas candle. Then I am coming home and beginning my 2 week coma~~

a much happier, better day

 Evening

So after melt downs yesterday I decided, with Jack, that I would have another day working from home. And I think knowing that, made me sleep! I slept through the night!!

So i didnt feel like a total corpse when I woke up. Jack said I looked better and I did feel a bit better within myself but I still was not ready to face school. I put the curry stew on and took Jack to school

I came home and slept for 90 mins 

I got up and had a cup of tea and a biscuit then, as it was so sunny

I decided to go for an hour's walk, thinking it would do me some good - mentally 

on my way back I called into mum's for 20mins then she came over with me and we had lunch here then she left me. I did some jobs round the house then I sat doing some actual work! I wasnt stressing about working as I NEEDED to look after myself. I know I will do some work during the christmas holidays, so ether way - the work will get done. I was determined to rest and and see the rest of the week through

I brought Oz in but left him to loaf in the living room whilst I worked on my drawing 

I got quite a bit done anyway. Here is some of what I have done~

jack came home and we decided to have a bath before dinner then we had dinner which was thai curry stew and it was so good! Probably the best one I have made so far!!

Now Jack is just clearing up and then I think we will have the final trim of Oz's bum bless him. Take him home then watch anime then play pokemon in bed. Have an early night

tomorrow

I do plan on going to school

I want to go in and make it through the day. No tears

I want to go to my biology lesson too. 

I have 1 rat dissection lesson which Jack is sorting. I am gonna take headphones and make sure I can not hear the awful sound of their paws being nailed down to a board. Its vile. Its sick.

Its Julia's daughter's class. I can't imagine shes going to do it. Shes already worrying about it. I have no idea why we do it, so many kids hate it.

I hate it.

then I will only have half a day left!!

I do feel a bit better within myself today. more rested and happier. 

worked from home a day early than planned

 evening

I couldnt sleep last night

I was stressing about not sleeping, school, life

I got up and jack bolted up right "WHAT!?" errr 0.0; 

I thought 'jesus hes really mad cus I cant sleep'

I said "erm Im just going toilet" ^^;

he said "right" and fell down to sleep

I left him as I thought he was mad at me

so I worked on some drawings for school and when my thoughts took a dark turn at 3am I decided to bite the bullet and wake him

turns out he remembers nothing about shouting at me. He must have done it in his sleep....scary

so we had fruit loaf and tea then went to bed at 3:45am when I finally got some sleep

I had had A LOT of medication

I woke up at 6:15am to my alarm dripping in sweat and shaking, my heart pounding

awful way to start the day. Had a dream about the friend that died a couple of weeks ago

I took Jack to school. It was clear I was not fit for school

I came home and slept til lunch I was dead.

I had lunch then did some drawing

Mum came over for a bit, then I did some dinner prep and got Oz in who is happy bun today. Hes been playing on the wet grass and I think its helped clean his bum a bit. Mum brought my packages over today and one was his probiotic. I have put it in his water dish but hes a bit sceptical of it. I have seen him drink from it once.

Jack came home and I talked to him for a bit whilst doing some yoga

I did dinner not that I wanted it

Then I laid on the bed, since Jack had come home I had shed a few tears as he wants me to go school tomorrow and I cant face it. When he found me on the bed he said I could stay home tomorrow. I feel I can get more work done at home than at school right now anyway.

i cant face going tomorrow. Hearing 2 classes nail rats down to boards by their paws. Its harrowing and I cant deal with that in my current state.

Ive cried as Im tired, so so tired. and stressed out which is amping my pain through the roof

I had a shower now just waiting for Jack to have his shower

I will take him work tomorrow and work on science club posters.

I just want to die to be honest. I am just so done.

im just not good at being human. Everyone else seems to manage it so well i just seem to constantly struggle and battle through life...

I was just in a depressive state thats all

 Evening

I just haven't felt like doing my diary

I was in a rather depressive state and I couldnt face writing about how crap I felt about life

My thoughts went to dark places. Im not going to write them as I want to move on from them

I just wasnt good and wondered what the point to life was

Im did another box frame over the weekend but need to take photos of it

I didnt sleep that well for school today so I have been tired all day but I havent had much on so I have just done easy sitting down tasks.

I have horrible rat dissections this week tho. total of 3 times. twice on wednesday and I want that day to work from home!! I cant face being round that much rat being cut up right now. Its too distressing with my mental state.

Oz has still had off tummy. Its not every day but its a lot lately. I have ordered him some probiotic to try its one I have had before. But waiting for it to come. Its only what the vet would prescribe anyway and Id rather not stress him out with the vet right now.

I have just this week to go

wednesday Im working from home

friday I finish at 1! so its not too bad of a week I suppose.

dont want to go tomorrow  tho

just dont want to go.

tonight I have still got to do some exercise but not sure what to do yet. Maybe just dance.

then have a nice bath, watch anime and play pokemon.

got to sort Oz's bum out before I take him home T^T

poor bun

More topics done, and Karen....

 Evening

Think I actually slept from like 10:15pm til my alarm. Thats 2 pretty good nights on the trot!

It was nice to wake up and not feel like utter death

I was however stupidly anxious. I felt sick and everything!!! WHY!?

I wasnt even going to work today!!! It was very annoying

I told Jack that some of my anxiety was worrying if I was allowed to stay off school, would I get into trouble, would I be able to get enough work done?

He said it was all totally fine, I wouldnt get into trouble and to do just do what I could. The idea for me to NOT get stressed. Hes right. But anxiety can be so irrational at times.....

I dropped him off at school anyway

I came home and went to bed for an hour and when I woke up my anxiety had gone

I then I got on with my drawing. I managed to get 2 topics done

The Earth

Metals and acids

I started 'forces' but only done the rough outline. So I might finish that or tonight I shall see

I had mum over at lunch time, finally able to see her ^^ We talked about Karen, we found out yesterday that Karen is not going to see christmas....shes in a hospice where its one way ticket. my granny ended up there too. Mum said she burst into tears when she found out. I think it brought it all back about granny and stuff and obviously karen being poorly. Life is short. Life is crap. I cant bare to think about it too much as I just want to cry and cry and cry. I cant imagine what her family is going through....

mum left and I continued drawing

did some chores that Jack normally does so it would help him when he got home

then I started doing a grow with Jo workout and Jack came home. I suggested doing all our chores and having a bath then eating dinner then going to bed which is what we did. Dinner was good tho ^^

I am doing my diary and might do some drawing then I will watch anime, play pokemon and hopefully sleep!

Tomorrow is school

I hope it goes ok

it was freezing in my sleep

 Evening

I kept waking up last night, I was shivering, I was soooo cold! I had goosebumps. Each time I just said "I'm cold" and Jack in his sleep cuddled me. How strange is that? I can make so much noise and move around on the bed and he doesnt wake. I say a couple of words and hes there. I wasnt complaining tho as it helped me get back off to sleep :) I did feel tired, drained and achy when I got up this morning. I am not sure why it was so cold in the night tho. It wasnt snowing and i slept in my dressing gown and with a blanket on the top

School was ok

and Lizzie and Chris came to talk to us it was like a little technician meeting. I like it when we group together. 

I couldnt think straight all morning, I had taken more pain killers as I was aching so much I was just fuzzy and full of pain. I didnt complain to anyone I just tried to get on with it all.

I did computer work in the afternoon but didnt get loads done

I know what I can work on tomorrow tho as I am working from home thank god. Need a recovery day

Its weird not having Luke in tho I am missing him

We came home, had a cup of tea then I did dinner which was noodles, it was easy but I didnt enjoy it.

I laid on the bed for a while. I was so close to skipping out on exercise but somehow I managed 20mins of just dance with weights. I had a shower and now I am just on here doing my diary.

I was to go bed and play pokemon again

I missed my mum today

I told her I could see her for my lunch tomorrow so we've decided to do that I was tired after work.

missing mummy and I think shes felt a bit flat, I need to pick her spirits up

I hope I sleep tonight and its not cold again.

Jack's stomach is off I cant get him out of that bathroom since we've come home i hope hes ok.

nothing form fitting or clinging

 Konbanwa~~

Last night we played pokemon in bed, I drifted asleep but suddenly woke up at 11pm needing a wee but after that i slept through to my alarm so I didnt feel too dead when I got up. I was however really sicky anxious for whatever reason

I did manage to wear my new dungarees for the day. I did feel constantly fat and self conscious so I am not gonna deal with that again tomorrow >.> 

My day was actually pretty ok

we had 3 science teachers off so it was quiet I guess. But poor Luke has covid. No science lesson for me this week :/ might sit in another class's lesson.

I got my day done, did a lot of computer work which I still havent finished actually! cant believe how long it is taking me. Then I need to go through it with Jack

We got home and had a cup of tea then did dinner. Dinner was good as the chicken had been marinating for 24 hours

after dinner I looked online for a new disney CD for work and found 2 disk set for £2 so I ordered that. Everyone seems to quite enjoy it XD

now doing my diary, then I will dance, have a bath and then watch anime then go play pokemon in bed. Have an easy evening

tomorrow is school, I will be wearing joggers as I just cant cope with anything slightly clingy or form fitting

and seeing mummy tomorrow as well~