Done my back in

 Evening

I managed to learn a 3min dance in 15 mins last night ^^ of course it wasn't learnt brilliantly but hey I still got it at least ;D

I had a bath and watched anime with Jack we are enjoying Chobits

I slept well, woke up at 7am but thought "forget that" heard Jack get up for Oz tho and come back to bed and the next thing I knew it was 9am!

This morning felt like my birthday, I had fruit loaf!!!!! My first carbs in months! It tasted so damn good, I had it with a cup of tea and sat with the massager as my back hurt from laying on the grass for 4 hours.

At 10am we planned our day and decided what needed to be done in the way of sorting things for carpets. So I went to go clean Oz out then would come in to do my soup

I saw Oz and went to lift his cage roof off and at that moment I felt something snap and tear round where my bra sits 

I SCREAMED

I can't remember the last time I screamed in pain. I ran inside the house holding each side of my self screaming like a crazed person

I laid out on the lounge floor screaming and crying my eyes out and not being able to breathe properly as it hurt to breathe.

Poor Jack was sat on the toilet during this >< don't think he could get off the toilet fast enough!

he ran into me not knowing what happened

I could barely breathe nevermind speak

I didnt know what to do, what position to be in

just didnt know how to make this terrible sharp pain go away

it hurt the whole circumference of where my bra sits and if I moved it shot pains down my front or up my back I didnt know what to do. I couldnt stop crying but jack managed to calm me enough to find out what happened.

He didnt know what to do and nether did I

so we did what any other adult would do....

we rang my mum X3

mum was in a super market with dad and I told her what happened and she said she would come over but to put ice on it til then

so jack had the job of slightly moving me to slide a bag of peas under me.

it was hell, jack brought me my ipod and i put that on whilst he got dressed and did his teeth as he didnt want my parents thinking he was slobXD

mum came and dad was there and they said i needed to sit up. 

but everytime I moved too much I yelled out. I have never known pain like it. my back had gone into spasm basically and mum said i needed to move it around so the spasm will calm down 

dad - helpful as  ever - said "if you cant get up we will ring an ambulance"....

i mean thats helpful. He knows I dont do hospitals and on top of that theres a thing called Covid, I dont wanna be in hospital with covid sitting beside me

dad asked me how I got from the garage to the house

and I replied "I ran but dont remember it much"

so my brain thought "it is possible to move then if I did that"

so we tried a new approach of being pulled up with my arms to sit up and it hurt a lot and I had to get my breath but it was easier to breathe. Next step was leaning on the sofa cushion and kneeling on the floor. Mum rubbed a pain killer cream into my back and said I just need to move it slowly.

eventually we got me into the sofa. I was exhausted by this point. I had cried so much and been in horrific pain. Im good with pain, but pain that is so strong that you cant use your lungs properly...thats impressive.

Mum said "its fear and scary and not knowing what to do isnt it"

both mum and dad have had spasm in the back so knew what to do

i think its from laying on the grass yesterday

mum and dad left me to recover

eventually i was up and moving and found it less painful to be moving around

Jack helped me with my soup, I supervised him cleaning Oz out as hes never done it before

as soon as I had lunch I went to bed for an hour

since then I supervised Jack nailing down some floorboards and moving stuff for carpets tomorrow

he didnt want me doing anything, and I dont think I could have as even tho I could move my back continued to twinge with pain that would last a second.

He didnt mind cleaning Oz out tho and Oz inspected it ^^

mum came over for a 4pm brew which I was happy about. I am so grateful to her for today

I did dinner whilst Jack gamed, food was good

after I ordered my new desk! I am not doing any exercise tonight as I actually feel unwell so I am not going to push my body any further

were gonna have a bath and sit with Oz and have an early night. jack says I look like im gonna collapse and look like death 

tomorrow

NEW CARPETS!!!!! I can not wait, its not starting til the afternoon tho so not sure how I will pass my morning.

just hope my back is back to normal tomorrow as its all very sore and tender 

A picnic in the park

 Evening

I slept ok but the noise of Jack chewing on his teeth kept waking me and he squished me again ><

We woke up at 8am and left for our weekly food shop

shopping was ok, we picked up stuff for the picnic and stuff for gardening

We got back and Jack unpacked

From there we kinda just rested really, didnt do a lot as we were meeting Harvey, Theo and Brandon at 1pm. But I did make the effort to sit with Oz for half hour as I knew he would be locked up for a few hours. Before we left I heated my soup up as that was gonna be my lunch. I brought some fruit and a biscuit I made last night

we sat outside til 5pm. I made 1 trip to Harveys. He wanted water and I needed a wee. Apart from that we were just out in the sun. I started in the shade but the sun came round so I hid under a blanket I bought. So I was sandwiched between two blankets, with a cushion to sleep on, I took my pain killers at 4pm and had a bit of a nap as theres only so much nerd talk I can take XD Jack ate a fair amount with the guys. I obviously couldnt cus of my diet.

We left them around 5pm and got and had a cup of tea whilst airing the house, it is so warm!

I had dinner but Jack didnt as he said he had eaten enough but when he smelt my dinner he regretted his decision XD Still, he sat with me whilst I ate mine as we have started digimon season 3 - tamers - today :)

he cleared up and I did some clearing up too. He is now gaming with the guys. I am with Oz. I would like to try some dancing or exercise when Oz has gone to bed. Making sure hes getting fuss and he seems full of energy XD We have changed what we put down in his toilet area in preparation for the new carpets on tuesday and he has done toilet on it so thats a win!

Tomorrow

we have got to move some stuff round because the carpets are being ripped up on tuesday

so we have a few squeaky floor boards to screw down as well. I have Oz to clean out and my soup to make as well. Mum wants to see me too. So it will be another day of not getting any time for myself!

I have enjoyed my day tho. Its good to see people. We are going over to Harvey's on thursday as that's his and theo's takeaway night, jack hasnt had takeaway in months and we can actually go in each others houses now so we're gonna do that cus if it ends up being a late one its fine as we dont have work the next day :) and in regards of food for me, I will take my own food over but join in for dessert!!!

Jack's skin is a bit pink from the sun I hope he will be ok.....

What came of the doctors

 Konbanwa~~

Yesterday I could not face writing up about my day, so here I am today!

Yesterday I got through school, it was such an achievement as on Monday I was in the prep room crying as I could not see how I was going to get through the week. But I did it

I managed my practicals and managed to clear everything away so stuff wouldnt be there to greet me when I return 7th June.

We got home without Oz which was very odd. We were gonna sit out and have a brew but didnt as Oz wasn't home and its comfy inside. I did a quick work out then did us some dinner

after dinner Jack went upstairs on his PC to play D&D and I left to go see my family

I sat out in the garden with mum and my brother, talking and watching the pigs, Oz was so happy to see me it was very very sweet, he was so giddy. That made my evening just seeing him so happy to see me. I am needed in life :)

Me and mum set off the for doctors. I did not want to go. Luckily we were not waiting long - which makes a change I will say!

Inside the doctors room, I felt defeated. i had had enough. 3rd time I have been doctors this month. Its just showing that things just are not right. Which makes me feel quite crap to be honest

I cried through pure frustration as I felt he was not helping. This was when my mother stepped in

she knows that for any help in this country you have to fight for it. Thats not how it should be but it is how it is. That's not just my GP ether its 99.9% of british health service. Mum has been fighting along side me for 10 years now. She knows the game

she said that I needed a plan of action that I am not stable and can not be left like this

so here's what I got out of it

I need to give a urine sample - I can't remember what thats being tested for

I need to give a stool sample - to be tested for a particular protein 

I need to give a blood sample - yes another blood test!! some are repeated tests as they came back positive 2 weeks ago but he said in the past they have come back negative so he wants to retest them. He is also testing me for rarer things and Lupus

He said he doesnt want anything to come back positive as he said its not going to be good.

He has referred me to my psychiatrist I saw 2 years ago. I am not happy about this but I did not argue it. I think we all can see i need some form of help

he would not give me any more medication and said to take my meds after I have died on the toilet as I wont be absorbing them properly.

We left there and picked Oz up and mum dropped me off home. Jack was gaming, I went and had a bath then I sat with Oz. I stayed up til 10pm looking at clothes online. Jack finished up gaming just after 10pm and came to ask how I got on, but at 10pm I did not want to talk about it

so instead we put Chobits in and watched that with hot chocolate!  I can not believe how perverted Chobits is! Jack was amused and liked the anime >.> men 

it was funny tho and I will continue with it

I had overdosed last night as i didnt want to lay there with my thoughts

I kept waking up in the night, sometimes cus jack was snoring and a couple of times because I was being squished by jack! >< he goes on side then rolls onto his back but rolls to far and I get squished! he ends up a bit on my side too T^T 

this morning we got up and went to the post office and then we went range, and hobby craft. i picked up a few bits ^^ nothing massively exciting just restocking and things were reduced and I got some clay to make something for Jack - a chimecho clay chime!

On the way home we went for a walk round a park, we havent been for a while. It was quiet too. It was quite humid! I told Jack all about the doctors and he was as supportive as ever and sees things in a different light. Things I see so negatively he sees it a different way and its very helpful. He is taking me for my blood test on thursday :)

we got back and it was near enough lunch time. So we had lunch watching digimon then I went for a sleep as I was exhausted but pleased with how much I had achieved

I woke up and we sat outside with Oz but it was very hot so we came in and Oz hid in the garage as its cool. I cant believe how hot it was!

Dinner was good and I have since been on my laptop upstairs, bought a few clothes for work really and some chimes to take a part for Jack's present.

I have a bit of exercise to do, think its like 20mins long thats all I am doing then I will do some drawing possibly but got to see what time I end up with as its 8:40 now! here's how far I am with ninetails tho

Tomorrow

we are doing our weekly shop then for lunch we are going to meet in a park with harvey theo and brandon and have a picnic :D it should be good :) I just hope I am mentally ok for it.

We are almost there, I have done well to make it this far. Missed out on more cake!

 Evening

I slept well last night after having my hot chocolate which was amazing ^^

I felt ok about the day and didnt die on the toilet ether!

School was quite long and dull. I helped out in two lessons, the Maggots and Bacteria.

Got it done~ just got 1 last maggot lesson tomorrow

I sorted my plants out and gave a sunflower plant to a teacher :) 

head of science gave everyone pastries and cakes/cookies. I resisted the temptation but once again Jo misses out T^T

I enjoyed my lunch but felt drugged up after my pain killers, they have been effecting me a lot today for some reason

I txt mum to say I just need to be quiet, I am mentally drained, so we picked Oz up and sat out in the picnic blanket, He harassed me for my banana chips and sultana and of course got them >.>

We did dinner as I was starving, so food was good.

I now have some time for some drawing then I will go do some working out, bath then Jack wants the bath after me so I might get him to spend some time with Oz.

tomorrow is the last sodding day of school. Thank bloody god. What an achievement it has been to get this far into the week. I also have my 3rd doctors appointment of the month. I wrote down my long list of symptoms for the doctor to suck on. So mum is going with me to that lovely appointment. I feel it will be a waste of everyones time involved....

prawn prince

 Evening

I kept waking up last night as Jack was clamping on his teeth a lot >.>

But I didnt feel too exhausted when i woke up

however from the moment I got up out of bed I knew I needed the toilet so I dashed into there and spent a good 20mins dying on that. I felt better but felt drained. We still got the stew on, had breakfast and left on time! 

School was tiring, I had a lot to do. I went in Luke's lesson for 40mins just for something to do

I think the best name i have ever seen a student give a maggot happened today "Prawn Prince" Me and Luke just laughed. got to use those maggots a few more times, as the days go on they smell worse and worse.....

I went to art and showed the staff my bath picture and they thought it was amazing ^^

I got all my jobs done but it was just a slog you know? We have been asked to attend the department meeting tomorrow tho, normally we never go as we are never invited! 

we got home to find mum and the pigs in the garden, Jack had a tea with us then left us to it. Mum brought me a banana and sweet potatoes like I asked, leftover meal for Jack's lunch tomorrow as well. Jack made such a good breakfast of fried egg and bacon sandwich, he was well happy.

Our stew was good and i was really glad I hadnt got to cook

I have just been letting food go down since and been looking at stuff online but I have yoga next to do with Jack. It is Jo night~ Might have a hot chocolate tonight not had one in ages!

tomorrow is school got 3 practicals >< can't wait for bed. I want more energy after school so I can work on my ninetail picture

bit of a better day mentally at least

 Evening

I was in bed for 10pm

Jack finished gaming at 10pm, and I did not want to stay up I wanted to be asleep

i slept well, and felt better about the day that what I did yesterday

School was soo slow!

Just a slow day

I helped out in a class with maggots, simply to make time go quicker 

did usual tasks but just day wouldn't pass

Julia and Jack getting stressed with the sheer amount of papers, I tried to playfully annoy him but he stressed out on me. Didnt realise he was THAT stressed, he could have asked me to help

We got home and mum bought Oz and the girls over which was nice, me and mum sat having a cup of tea whilst Jack took a whisky to his study. i didnt care what he did as long as he went away and chilled out. It was nice to have mum's company

She left and I did dinner and we prepped for tomorrow's stew 

Dinner was good and filling and I  had a bit of tummy ache afterwards

I was dropping off on the sofa so I didnt get any time to myself tonight simply cus I wasted it on the sofa, I got up and jack motivated me into doing some exercise so I did 30mins of weights, had a bath whilst Jack sat with Oz. Then I went to sit with oz but got bogged down with getting stuff ready for tomorrow but I gave him some fuss and treats. He's only just gone home and its 9:30pm

Jack is making my hot drink for the night and we are about to watch fruits basket

tomorrow is school.....

got 1 maggot lesson so I might kill time it that. 

mum made me a doctors appointment for friday evening...

upset at school and dont want time off

 Evening

I managed to do a 10min exercise video of legs and used my new ankle weights which made me actually feel my work out for a change as my leg work outs didnt feel like they were doing an awful lot. I was tired but really wanted to try and do some exercise so I wouldnt spend another night in bed aching.

I slept really well, having an odd dream of being some sort of demon of a city and another demon that was slowly turning into a cat like creature had planted bombs round the city, slowly felling buildings around me. So many people were squished and died. I couldnt warn people quick enough....

I was anxious about school that was a given really

I wasn't feeling it at school this morning I had no energy to look happy for people and when people would ask "you ok?" I just say "no" but didnt talk about it, I just wanted people to know that I actually wasnt ok. Mum txt to say she had got in with the nurse at 10:15am and wasnt going to work. Her new blood pressure tablets had made her blood pressure go to 170/110...thats like heart attack territory and mum is not overweight. Or a big drinker and doesnt smoke. Her face was like red. Quite frightening and it had been stressing me out to be honest as I didnt want her keeling over.

She rang me at 10:45am saying she had been checked over and shes ok and the sorting the meds out. I felt tears of relief come down my face. I was a bit tearful on the phone even tho it was only 11am, I just felt like I was not even able to get through the day nevermind the week. It just all felt too much. The sheer amount I needed to do at work. She said "I think you do need to go to the doctors, its not getting any better is it, its going past the stage of helping yourself before it gets bad. Its gotten bad and youre making yourself poorly. I think you need to get signed off work for a bit" but the thought of seeing those useless idiots deflates me somewhat. Not to mention what I think about being off work for a bit....but nevertheless I rang the doctors 5 times, no one picked up and it cuts off after 4 mins. I txt mum saying "no one picks up" she said "I was up there an hour ago and theres 3 receptionist on" >.> bloody useless they are.  Mum said she would ring

I got through the morning, had my lunch, but all my food today I havent really wanted, I have simply ate just for energy.

After lunch I went to fetch maggots, its bad that the people in fisherman shop recognise me

 >< 

I came back and I spoke with Karen for a bit about pain, I talked with the IT crew, chris isn't in this week hes on holiday.  Then I came back to the prep room, I couldnt face coming back straight away as I knew people would want things.

But I felt better for getting out and stuff

We came home, well first I called in mums to only realised she had txt saying she was at mine with Oz....so I drove to my house >< 

she had a tea with us, then I did a dinner I made up on the spot really, chili prawn pasta it was actually good. jack enjoyed it and said he would eat it again.

I got my school stuff ready and now doing my diary. Might have time to draw or not. I need to do some exercise but I know I cant do much so it will be easy exercises. I could quite easily not do any but I know come 10pm I will regret that decision 0.0

the seller of the inuyasha dvds offered a refund if I send them back. But its effort. I will see.

tomorrow is school

just literally counting the days til its half term, which is a week off, but mum isnt sure I will be ok and better in a week...

Redrawing Ninetails

 Evening

I had an alright evening but struggled to sleep due to pain, took me til gone midnight, I almost got up but I think Jack knew or sensed I couldnt sleep so he stroked my back and it did calm things down, I wonder if he did that in his sleep? I shall ask him~

I got up at 8am and felt a bit rough and weak, had an easy morning, tried porridge for breakfast instead of meat and it made my stomach make some noises, I had to go toilet and my stomach felt heavy with porridge so I am not wanting that again.

We went food shopping which really tired me out but we did it

when we got back we had a brew with Oz, he's been a bit quiet today, We have brought some parsley for him to try - the girls like it XD

We made my soup and whilst it was cooking I somehow cleaned Oz out and the bathroom but it about killed me off. I needed to do my chores, I will not be beaten.

After lunch I slept for 40mins and when I got up we went for a very short walk as I wanted to. When we came back we had another brew with Oz.

I then did some drawing, I am 'redrawing' a picture of Ninetails I did in I think 2018? Ether way I want to see if I can do better now, just drawing the line art Jack says he can see the improvement  ^^ I can tell I am tired tho as I was looking at thinking 'its not quite right, but 8 tails is right' jack pointed out "it needs 9 tails" yeah the clue is some what in the name....

I did dinner. To be honest if it wasnt for Jack helping out and eating with me I probably wouldnt bother with dinner. Which made me reflect on how little I have been eating the past few days. I havent been having my snacks, just my main meals....I need to try harder to eat.

Now I am gonna do some drawing, have a bath and see Oz and maybe do my nails. I was gonna try out my new weights for 10mins but I will see how I feel.

We got our new anime dvds from mum this morning.

chobits works fine

Inuyasha final act....they dont even load!! theyre worse than the first lot! I am gutted as its like Im not suppose to see this series T^T

tomorrow

it's school

and of course I am worried about how the day will go. Will I get through it?

Chris's birthday

 Evening

Last night I was pretty dead and didnt do any exercise. Jack was gaming and I just sat with Oz and went for a bath. I sat with the massager til Jack came downstairs, we watched Fruits Basket, went to bed and I slept through the night til 7:50am

I got up this morning and felt a bit worn out but felt better than yesterday morning that was for bloody sure. So I went with Jack to post my cousin's birthday present, we went down to wilkos as we needed a few bits for school. Then I took Jack to Munchies - where my brother goes every friday morning. For a breakfast baguette, Jack got a foot long baguette with hash browns, bacon, sausage, egg all for £4.70! Bloody bargain that! We got home and I had the rest of my breakfast as I couldnt face it again this morning, and Jack ate his baguette, he was quiet and I could tell he was loving every bite...He said he would go munchies again XD

It's Chris's birthday today and as we missed his 30th last year cus of lock down I thought I would make him a birthday card which he loved ^^ I drew his favourite character which is Chi from Chobits, holding cheese and chris is a cheese fiend

My mum wanted to know how I was today so I gave her a ring. She asked when i was next going down to tk maxx, she had forgotten to pick something up. So I suggested that we go for an hour, as long as its just that 1 shop and nothing else. 

I went to mum's and she drove us down to tk maxx. I picked up a father day presents for dad which is a tshirt, I picked up a couple of tshirts for jack, some birthday presents for jack, some skin care (which the woman didnt charge me for!) I got some leggings for work. Some gardening equipment too. So it was worth the trip. Mum was happy as I was pointing out skincare for her, shes really worried about the whole aging thing so it was good to help her as I do know a thing or two.

I got back to mums and we had a brew with the sows on our laps, I spoke with my brother for a bit, dad came back home so I said hello to him then I was home for 1pm for my lunch. Mum had lent me some pots for me to grow my sunflowers in when I pot them.

I had my lunch which I didnt really want but ate it. I had a massive sleep in the day as well, I was annoyed that I had wasted time in bed but I could not help that.

I got up and had Oz in and then we did dinner. I feel a bit awful for Jack as his friends were meeting up at harvey's tonight and I didnt want to go I do not have the strength for that but because Jack can not drive he cant get there and I knew he didnt want to ask me to play taxi so he said he wasnt fussed but I wondered otherwise, his other friends online then are online tonight but not until 10pm and I said to jack I can go to bed by myself but he said "when youre feeling better ill try again as its not working right now is it" I felt bad. I offered to drug myself up so Id sleep. but he said "how selfish is it of me to ask you to drug yourself up so I can game" But hes missing out because of me.

As the evening has gone on, Ive become tired and struggling to hold the mentalness back so I have told him I dont want him gaming late I need him tonight. he is fine. I just feel selfish. 

I had an early bath as I can not work out. I am exhausted. Heck I was tired in the bath just washing myself! So yeah no work out today. Jack sat with oz then when I was dressed I sat with Oz.

We are both going into the study now I might do some drawing and Jack gaming.

I have decided to not weigh myself this week as I cant cope with anymore.

tomorrow is food shopping and chores, sure I will be exhausted after tomorrow T^T

but I achieved stuff today~

 

It just gets a bit much you know?

 Evening

Last night I did manage to do a bit of drawing, and then Jack asked if he could game with his friends as they were online. I said this was fine with me, I will go to bed when I like.

I was in bed for 9:45pm

But I could not sleep. I ached and then the sheer overwhelming thoughts that just would not shut up.....thoughts that I had been blanking and shutting out, ignoring over the last few weeks just got too much. I think I just cracked a bit.

I got up at 11:15pm not being able to take the pain any longer, and over dosed. Making me feel quite sick. I needed to be numb to not be able to think or feel. To not hear the thoughts about self harming, to not hear the thoughts about calories. Both thoughts I have been trying to bury for the last couple of weeks. To pretend I had never had them, that my mental health had not fallen that badly. But it has. And admitting that is incredibly hard and soul destroying.   I pretend Im ok, that Im not falling to pieces inside, that I can continue to be strong, that I can wear my mask for others. But I guess it just leads to the path of burn out, I burnt myself out.

I cried alone in the dark in the living room. Jack came to bed at midnight. I was hoping he would think Hammington in bed was me. But he soon discovered I was not in bed and came to find me. damn it. Usually its mum who finds me crying but now its jack I guess

He said I should have got him, that helping me through all this is far more important than being on a game. Hes right, I know. However its not nice seeing your love one like that and I dont want him to tire of always seeing me like this. He said that would never happen.

I stayed up just quietly crying whilst he cuddled me and I think I fell asleep around 2ish

the alarm went off and I felt dizzy and weak as a kitten. I could barely sit up. I said to Jack that I couldnt make it in today. He was like "no no you are not going"

he then had a mad rush of getting ready with no breakfast, running out into the rain to wait by the main road in the village for hannah from work to pick him up. I felt awful for him having such a hard night with me then a sucky evening. I txted my brother at 7am telling him to tell mum I was off school, shes wouldnt be checking her phone til gone 8am and I was gonna ring her. But I fell asleep >< I fell asleep for 3 hours too! I was just gone. I woke up and had to get rid of everything from my stomach. I felt terrible at this point, I txt mum that I was awake and she popped by on her way home which was around 11am. She made me tea and I had some breakfast and my morning meds. I looked and felt awful. In fact mum said I looked green.

She kept me company talking for a couple of hours but left me to get lunch. I ate my lunch with Oz and then I just did the odd little thing round the house, drew, got Oz out and just did that on rotation.

Jack couldnt get a lift home with hannah until like 5pm, he finishes at 3:30. But people were going for a drink in the pub for chris's birthday tomorrow. So Jack joined them and then hitched a lift with Hannah I was happy he went pub, does him some good to have a drink and socialise.

He came in and I warmed our leftovers up and we had dinner, he had a shower and was just about in time for his dungeon and dragons, I had managed to see him a little bit before his gaming.

I sat behind him on my laptop finishing off my drawing I have been working on for weeks!!!!!

It is done I think. It was hard but if you dont challenge yourself then your art doesnt improve.

its on my redbubble page

https://www.redbubble.com/people/LunatiqueDesign/shop?asc=u

Now I am just with Ozwald who is always hungry XD

I am not doing any exercise tonight as I am drained and weak. I literally cant do any exercise so I admit defeat tonight and will be kind to myself and to my body. Have a nice bath and relax.

tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow

I am posting my cousin's birthday present as its her birthday 3rd June so I want her to have it in time.

then I will go a shop for some stuff for school, and then I have been saying to Jack  I will take him to this sandwich place my brother goes to every friday. I show Jack my brother's breakfast cobs and Jack really wants one so I will take him there tomorrow finally just to collect something.

Then I am doing nothing the rest of the day I hope!

very happy news!

 Evening

We were in bed for 9:30pm, it was very early by Jack's standards but I was happy about it

I soon fell asleep and slept through the night

I didnt die on the toilet so all in all I was feeling pretty good today ^^

Just a bit anxious about school but that was because of the practicals I had got coming up

Practicals which i had nailed. A few students didnt finish so I let them in during break, then at lunch to finish. It was nice I was trusted by the teacher to do that.

I got a lot of other stuff done, I was shattered I did not stop. So tired. The break I did have, I was on my mat stretched out and the dept head saw....she probably thinks I do nothing all day. so that saddened me a bit cus yeah I just hope she doesnt think I am a lay about

I was so tired by the end of the day

but it did not stop there

when we arrived home from picking Oz up, Chris and his wife had arrived before us. Chris was here to fix jack's computer finally and he had his wife with him. I have never met his wife Yuna who is from china. She speaks english but has a very strong accent. In honesty I found it hard to understand her at times but she is the first chinese born person I have spoke to. I will get used to her way of speaking I am sure :) their relationship made me laugh tho. She walks all over him. If it was any one else I am sure chris would tell them where to stick it but I can see the love in his eyes for her.

Mia turned up at 4:45pm with her dogs, she had asked me if I was up for a walk and I thought I would as she only wanted to do a small walk, however it turned into a longer walk as she had some very very exciting news! theyre going ring shopping!! yup I think the engagement is finally finally happening ^^ I was thrilled for her I mean Im just happy for her. Shes wanted it for so many years.

I got back and made dinner straight away, whilst it was cooking I did a 15min weight video, ate dinner and got Oz in to which Jack sat with him whilst I went for a bath. It's not 8:30pm and I have actual time to myself now! I might do some drawing unsure yet.

I told Jack that I felt no jealousy towards mia and her engagement. When my friends moved out I was jealous as I never thought I would achieve it. But I dont feel jealous about getting married.

I told this Jack and he was like "fine dont wanna marry you anyway" jokingly

but I am really ok, I could be engaged but as for marry....no way could I handle that right now 0.0

So yeah different evening but a welcomed one

tomorrow is friday, its school, but then its weekend!!! I hope I feel good again tomorrow!

There's never any help for me

 Konbanwa~~~~

So last night I managed to get into bed for 9:30pm woo

I did manage to fall asleep without Jack who had started gaming at 9pm

I woke up midnight on the dot from a terrible nightmare involving my mum taking a sick and twisted interest in body parts and was showing me all these body pieces in a red gooey room. I realised that my 'mum' was actually my other personality so woke up. Drenched in sweat. I noticed that Jack wasnt in bed. But was thinking maybe he was coming off at midnight. So I waited in my sweaty bed til 12:15 until I was the impression he had simply gotten too involved and carried away....

I went upstairs to him, he looked at the time, swore, announced he was leaving and left. All in the space of 15 seconds. Like I was gonna tell him off or something XD He apologised and came to bed with me

however, in the act of going upstairs and making sure he got to bed so he wouldnt be tired the next day, it kinda woke me up and then pain kicked in. I tried to sleep next him but he soon started sleeping and snoring. I got up and had to have pain killers. I was up til 3am....even when I went to bed it took me ages to get to sleep. All I could think about was school in the morning, how dead Id be, should I go and then knowing i needed to go because of the bacteria practicals. 

I was shattered when we got up for school and slightly peed off at Jack as I looked like death all because of him. He said he wouldnt have another late night on a weekday. Which i agreed to. But then I turned round and said "I  just will leave you to it, it will be your issue if you are late to bed and tired for school" he said thats fine, and agreed he would set an alarm so he doesnt get carried away.

I didnt have to go to the toilet this morning so that was one good thing!

We got to school and its just been back to back busy all sodding day. I felt stressed out by the sheer amount of work I had to do and how god damn tired I was. I could barely think. I blamed Jack who I could tell felt guilty. good >.>

we got home and I necked a cup of tea and we drove out to the doctors as I did not want to go so Jack insisted he came with me

and what a load of crap

ZERO help

I even saw a doctor I have never seen before simply for a new perspective as my doctor is crap and last time I rang up telling him my pain was awful he suggested aromatherapy.....

but this doctor literally had nothing to say to me

no help no suggestions

i did test positive for ANA but he didnt seem arsed

I told him I have pain in my stomach and have to empty my stomach content out an ive lost 5.5kg in 2-3 months. But it was like I had just said "nice weather today huh" he didnt even register I had mentioned that. It was shocking. I think Jack was stuck for words and felt worried about me

I swung by mums and collected Oz

told her my bloods are, theres no help or cure so whats new. I did cry a bit as even tho this is nothing new to me, being told it still hurts. I asked the doctor is this how I am suppose to live from now on but he said he would talk to my usual doctor, they will ring me back but FAT chance. I will never hear from them again

we got home and ate the stew thank god I didnt need to cook as I was exhausted by this point. 

Mum rang me and said how appalling it is how bad i was treated and to write a letter over the weekend to the practice manager and complain, so I have that to do which I get I should do however that eats up my time and they dont give me any of theres

anyway enough of that crap

tonight we are doing yoga, hot chocolate, bath.  Were doing yoga with the patio door open and watching and talking to Oz

tomorrow is school, I have a very busy day -_____- i hope sleep 

i will continue on somehow

Deathy morning

 Konbanwa~~~

After our walk I did 15mins of weights and went for a bath, after I asked Jack to come off his game early we watched fruits basket and went to bed

I woke up for a wee in the night which annoyed me. But then I had a good dream about being a vampire.

We got ready for school and all was well in the world, we even got up 10mins earlier as I keep making us late due to stomach issues. However my stomach thought I was trying to get away with it al and went nuclear on me. Literally died on the toilet. I felt sick, it hurt and it would not stop....

I felt so utterly drained after it all. Its not fair. After all that all I want to do is crawl into a ball and lay on my bed until the pain goes. But no I have to dash out the house with a painful stomach and then the journey in the car makes me feel sick cus my stomach is unsettled. My life SUCKS

We got to school and Jack heated my hot bag and I lay on the floor in a ball until the pain subsided.

When I could I got up to do my jobs and I walked in head of science's room he asked if I was ok

I automatically responded with "yeah im fine"

he said "really?"

I said "yeah"

he shut the door and said "youre not your usual bubbly self, whats up"

where do you start?

I know he genially cares and isnt just asking cus he feels he has to. He mentioned about the meal and I said I couldnt eat out right now im too anxious and that I have been struggling with food lately but I was going doctors soon. He asked if anything can be done at school for me. Everything is good at school honestly. He said to take breaks and if I need to go a walk to chill out then thats fine. And maybe ideas on what to do next time if eating out wasnt my thing.

All morning people were asking me "you ok?" so i said to jack "do I look like death or something?" he said "yeah...you look quite deathy" chris saw us and said "you two alright today??" looked at me "youre obviously not" >.> guess I must have looked like death.

I continued my day finding it hard til about 2pm as I would have had some food in me by this point

but I did my bacteria and such. and cleaning up and other practical prepping, I went to the shops for stuff for my practicals too. it was nice to go out in the sun :)

I txted mum asking if she wanted to come over for a brew and so she bought Ozwald over and we had a brew with her. Oz was snoring on the floor X3

I did dinner which was so damn good as I marinated the meat at 9:30pm last night

I will go do a bit of a work out and then bathe, Jack said he will spend time with Oz whilst im in the bath. Then I can pretty much go to bed anytime after that as Jack has asked if he can have a late night. I wanna go bed early so yeah I will give it a go. 

I want to try be in bed early, I will take a sleeping tablet.

I will write my cousin's birthday card too so I can give that and her present for mum to wrap tomorrow as I will go post office on saturday and get that off.

Tomorrow

its school, its also a stew morning so we need to get up and get that stew on! 

I should also have my doctors appointment. However I rang up today and asked if my blood tests were back and the receptionist said no....but it takes up to 3 days. They said "they should have come back on friday but theyre not in" Im gonna ring tomorrow and see if theyre in cus if theyre not then theres no point me in going to the doctors. So we shall see what happens there. 

Just by being asked out to dinner

 Konbanwa~~

I had an alright evening which involved doing a bit of exercise whilst Jack watched dinner with my Ex, some of people on that program.....0.0 dregs of humanity 

He had the bath after me and we watched Fruits basket then was in bed for 10pm

we have been watching Inuyasha final act, however the dvd has gotten worse and worse and now refuses to play....so I have been looking online for another copy. I was loathed to get another as Jack had gifted the series to me at christmas so it felt wrong to buy another but when i talked to him about it he said there was no point in having a dvd that you cant watch. true true.

This morning I actually felt alright, no anxiety. Physically I actually felt pretty good. I cant remember the last time I felt this good for school I really cant.

My day, which I thought was going to be quiet was actually really busy >< I had practicals that I had forgotten about til I saw them written down when I came into school. I got it all done and prepared them with love and teachers appreciated it ^^

I was still feeling pretty good too. Until at 2pm I realised we had an email sent from head of science saying "I have booked _____ at 6pm next thursday here is the link for the menu"

instant panic and anxiety

I cant believe how quickly I was affected by it. Just by being asked out to dinner

i felt anxious about eating food made by someone else so I didnt know what was in it

eating in front of a group of 15

being inside with the public without masks

food made by a stranger 

being late home and too tired for school the next day

having tummy ache after eating food im not suppose to eat

I got a bit teary by this point

Jack said "we dont need to go Jo, its not worth this"

i said "but if I dont go it means you cant go"

he said "to be honest, with covid, I am not keen on going ether. I would rather spend the money on a new anime box set, watch anime and sit with Oz. Thats a better evening in my eyes"

ahhhhh he knows all the right things to say ^^ I only shed a few tears but I felt dizzy and my heart was going of out rhythm. Amazing how that one email made me feel and it was a positive email too it was suppose to be a nice thing to do. But I just cant handle that right now. I dont need to do that to myself. So we put down on the invitation form that we werent attending. Saves us about £60 as it wasnt cheap and we could get a few dvds for that! XD

we collected Oz on our way home, mum said he hadnt done much all day as it had been pretty awful weather. Jack made me tea when we got home then we did dinner which was good. 

Jack did quite a few chores to help me too and then I suggested going for a walk as it was such a lovely evening so we did a short walk it was nice actually. We hadnt managed to get out for a walk at the weekend. We got back and Jack showered whilst I sat with Oz. 

I will do a quick 10min weights video.  then go for a bath I think

We will watch fruits basket later hopefully but Jack is gaming so who knows

tomorrow is school and I have bacteria to grow again

the students bacteria had grown however they had not made a good job of it XD

Never using that again 0.0

 Evening

So last night Jack was gonna be gaming til late he said, I was gonna have an earlier night

I did decide to do an hour's worth of exercise so of course that ate a lot of my evening

I went for a much needed bath, it was quite a hot one, made my skin pink and red kinda hot

I had received in the post my new self heating face pack, it's made my Skin and Glory which is a decent brand here in the UK and can be pricy but I got it for a good price online and I love self heating things

it said to wet it in your hands, scrub into your face and wash after 5 mins

I worked it in but looked at my hands and they looked like I had covered them in butter, you know that feeling and when water sits on top of oil substances. Like that

so I was then trying to get it off my hands but didnt worry to much

I continued to wash my hair, after 5 mins I went under the water to wash the shampoo out and the face pack. But it wasnt coming off.....no matter how much I scrubbed it wasnt budging it was just smearing....so I was going under and under the hot water making myself feel quite dizzy and then I couldnt get my breath I needed my inhaler. Jack was gaming and probably wouldnt hear me.

So I quickly washed my body and staggered out the bath. Laid out on the hall floor semi-covered in a towel panting like I had done a marathon. I couldnt breath but I knew if I just kept breathing I would recover. 

Once I felt able to I got up but I was very dizzy and weak. My face was red but smeared with the grey substance. I then had to use a harsh face scrub to get it off, toner on cotton wool to get the bits off near my eyes. My face was sore T^T I got myself ready and applied plenty of skin care. I then had to wash the bath for the second time that day as the water was sitting on a film of like butter. It felt slippy and oily and I didnt want to slip on it.

But after all that it was 10:30pm!! I was so late. I needed to calm down before bed too as my heart was still pounding and I was sweating.

I climbed into bed around 11:30pm and Jack crawled into bed around midnight I was still awake so at least he didnt disturb me.

I woke up at 8:45am and motivated Jack into getting up at we normally leave for shopping at 9:20am

we had a dash round and were ready for 9:30am. I told him about my face pack, he was gutted I hadnt tried to get him. I had brushed my hair this morning and my hair felt dry. Its because that face pack had sat on top of the water like oil and had dried out my hair >.> never again am I using that. I had used a brazil nut amount and it had done all that....impressive really. Its gone in the bin as I wouldnt want anyone using it. I bought it for £9 its £16 in shops. So not cheap.

We did out food shop but I didnt feel very well going round the shop. I sat down whilst Jack did all the packing at the conveyor and checkout. Felt rough all morning

I came in and Jack made me tea and got me Oz and I did start to pick up

we had a video call with his family for an hour

then did the soup, had lunch and I cleaned out Oz too

I fixed the birthday cards and stuck a few gems on them so they are finished ^^

I got stuff ready for school, I fell asleep for half hour as I was struggling with it all and Jack played on his switch beside me for that half hour which was nice :) 

when we got up we had a brew and then I did some drawing, I watched a tutorial about drawing the outline on a vector layer and the things you can do...impressive. i learned so much. I will one day understand how to use the software properly XD

I am on the tricky bit of the bath next T^T I dont know what to do for a background tho....

I did dinner which was really nice

after dinner a magpie flew into the garden so we both went rushing out to defend Oz but he chased it off himself! Well impressed, I went out with a treat :)

we were gonna do a walk today but it keeps raining and also Jack has an off stomach Im wondering if it is the rhubarb cake maybe?

I might do some drawing but I wont have much time as I have got to do some exercise and have a bath then Jack wants the bath after me 

tomorrow is school

I feel ok about school, since I have started writing a to do list I have felt better about school and not thinking about it so much.

tonight I am gonna treat my hair to hot oil and use a face sheet on my face

need to heal the damage.....0.0    never again.

sticking to korean skin products for sure

Actual time to myself

 Evening

Last night we sat down watching fruits basket and went to bed around 11pm

I woke up at 6:30am thinking it was 7:30am but needed to get up for a wee and my mouth tasted like death, I climbed back to bed and dozed til 7:30am then woke up at 8:30am by Jack coming in asking if I wanted a tea XD I just didnt want an early start so Id have to waste time going to sleep during the day.

I did get up and I had my weekly weigh in, I was not looking forward to it as I felt convinced that I had put weight on this week. But no....lowest I have ever been....62.3kg! So I have lost exactly 2kg since last week! But I had put weight on last week, its amazing how it fluctuates so much. But I am slowly losing it instead of it quickly dropping off. I was back to my 14.1% fat at 44% muscle. Which I was more bothered about. It all made my morning better. I think what might have helped tho is not eating for 13 hours each day. I finish eating around 6pm then I havent been eating anything til 7am next day. Think its called intermittent fasting. You can go up to 16 hours but I aint that obsessed. 

I had a lazy morning but decided to clean the bathroom then got ready to go over to mum's

it was only spitting out so I walked

I went over to do some water colouring! make some birthday cards you know, but I ended up sitting with mum and the girls having a brew then cutting their claws and weighing them 

then my brother was really talkative for some reason today so he kept talking to me which I dont mind but I just wanted to crack on. I didnt get finished til 1:15pm I went over at 10:15am!

But it was nice to see people and mum gave me home made rhubarb cake for Jack, made using our own grown rhubarb plant! It came with the house. It was dead in the winter, I have never watered it and it grew shed loads of rhubarb. Which is poisonous to rabbits but Oz loves hiding in it, he never chews it I think he knows it aint good.

I came home for my lunch it felt good to have painted and done a short walk

I felt tired after my lunch but I was determined not to have a sleep

So instead I did some jobs and eventually got round to emailing my cousin back as I was suppose to do it last weekend. I then did some more on my digital drawing

got the skin coloured in and the heart shaded, but that was about it. Its slow and I am dreading doing the bath and water....

I did dinner, afterwards I bought Oz inside as its raining outside but he feels the need to play out in it. So I have a wet bunny that I have left jack in charge of. He can do some Oz sitting for a change. i have got Jack to do a fair amount of chores today as he said that he wanted me to have a weekend which I guess means him having to do more. He was a bit grumpy earlier but I bluntly asked him why he was being so grouchy he said he was just tired but if you ask me he was just a bit huffy about doing some chores that I usually have to always do. About time he knows how much time I lose to chores.

I will do some exercises later then go to bed by myself. Yup jack has asked for a late night think theyre starting at 10pm so god knows what time he will be in bed but means I can go to sleep when I like. I just hope he doesnt disturb me.....

tomorrow

is food shopping, cleaning Oz out and making soup for the week

I haven't got much else on, these birthday cards need finishing tho, I think cus my mum and brother kept talking to me that I have missed a few bits out --______--  but I feel I might ruin them if I had more water colour to them as it might bleed into the outline.

might get some more actual time to myself tomorrow who knows!

Nailed the bacteria and weekend tomorrow!!

 Konbanwa~~

I managed my exercises last night, once I had finished I ran a bath only then did my stomach decide to die on me. So I sat on the toilet dying, next to my hot bath ready for me. It was like some sick punishment....I was late for bed anyway so I didnt see the harm in staying up later and watching anime with jack. But felt like I needed a more relaxed anime so we watched Fruits Basket and went to bed. I slept well but took me til almost midnight to get to sleep as I was a bit anxious about school

I got up and died on the toilet as thats just how I roll in the mornings

god I felt like death after that

We didnt take Oz to mums as she was gonna come over to see Oz and do some gardening. So we went straight to school and was some how on time

I had a busy day but not as busy as yesterday

I had success with my bacteria

Look at this slope~ Bacteria has grown!

I got it all set up and for the double practical and felt anxious about it all, as soon as it was over I felt so much better! I totally nailed that practical as well~ the teacher (head of biology) was grateful I had done such a good job. I did a bit of reading too and just prepping lessons mainly. Didnt do a lot in the morning as I was like death but my afternoon was much more proactive and productive

we came home and mum was still gardening! she's a bugger she gets too carried away I hope she is ok and not hurting with her back or anything. She came inside for a brew and Jack hit the whiskey as its been that sort of a week. Didnt blame him I was tempted to over dose.

I did dinner when mum left and after dinner went on my laptop and bought a couple of cheap hair clips and then posted my food picture on instagram - Lunatique_designs

Now I think I will do my work out then sit with Oz as he seems busy and happy outside. but I shall see.

Got my exercises to do yet. Jack is playing dungeon and dragons til 10pm so i am on my own anyhow.

tomorrow

thank bloody god it is the weekend tomorrow. To not have to wake up at 6:20am I can not wait.

Depending on how I feel we might go to the shops or I might just walk over to mums and do some painting as I have a couple of birthday cards to make

after that I have no idea what I will do, maybe digital drawing. Its gonna pee it down all weekend again anyway so Im not planning for anything.

my life on repeat

 Evening

I did yoga with Jack, had a hot chocolate and watched Inuyasha then was in bed for 9:45pm I had had enough and slept through the night

Today I didnt have to die on the toilet which was as we were actually on time for school

School was hard, just a  lot to do and a lot of running around, and of course I had my bacteria to do, which had grown over night! I took these cloudy bottles of bacteria to show the biologists - just so they would be happy that I was able to produce results again ^^ Took me ages to get all my jobs done and I was so much pain for whatever reason, pain was just bad today, I also had the headache I have been having for about a week now and of course just being tired.

fed up

I txt mum at lunch saying "think I can manage a tea with you later" but I felt so knackered

got to 3pm I txt her saying "I am done mum, I am sorry but it will just be collection today"

we collected Oz who I had to round up from beneath a heather hes made a warren under. I felt my eyes welling up with tears as I told my mum that I was sorry I didnt have time for her and that I am exhausted.

We came home and jack laid out the picnic blanket and made us tea we drank it outside with Oz who kept running across out blanket as he likes the crinkly sound he can make on it. I relaxed a bit as I had my pain killers. I did dinner whilst Jack showered

I ate dinner and of course had tummy ache. I laid in a ball on the sofa and kept falling asleep, Jack in the end bought Oz in to wake me as he said if I slept now I wouldnt sleep tonight which is totally right and I glad he kept waking me.

So I spent some time with Oz who yawned in my face, did a stretch and poos fell out him  bum -___- incontinent Oz? just gross. Then when i took him home he bit my thumb as he was so quick to snatch the treat from my fingers that he caught me. I know it was accidental so I didnt yell or anything.

Now I will do my exercises as this is my life

I wake up, get ready for school, school, home, cook food, stomach pains, exercises, bath, bed

repeat

and any time I gain at the weekend goes to others and house work

my life

this is my life

I am constantly tired and in pain and have to do things as this my life now

I am doing so well to hold back the tears as I write this

just had enough

I need my body to get better but doesnt seem to be happening any time soon

Jack is gaming with Harvey and Theo, i told him I dont care when he comes off as I will go to bed without him, feel bad keep making him have early nights with me.

Tomorrow is school and thank god its friday. 

I have my big double practical which I will be glad when its over. then it will be the weekend were I have to do all my chores and see family.......I sometimes feel like overdosing just so I can sleep for days but I know overdosing doesnt work that way

well best get on with those exercises

I did so well with my blood test!

 Konbanwa

I had lost the will to live last night -____- I had had enough~

I just felt exhausted and achy, knew I had a blood test in the morning and school and just felt like after half hour dying on toilet that the world just must hate me.

I had a quick shower, listened to the thunder and lightening and went to bed.

Yup I went to bed without even saying goodnight to Jack. He was happy gaming and I didnt wanna put a downer on his evening as I could hear he was happy talking with people so I just took myself off to bed at 9:30pm, he came to bed at 10:15pm but I didnt speak to him I just wanted to be alone.

I slept really well as it goes

But felt totally numb to everything. To say I had a blood test I felt no anxiety. No love for Jack, nothing really, just numb. I still got up with Jack and had breakfast with him and watched him leave. He told me I would be fine and to txt him how it goes. Head of science came to pick him up

I fussed Oz for a bit inside which was nice, then I walked over to mum's at 8:15am, sat with her and the girls which was nice then we went to the doctors. I still didnt feel anything even in the car. I just shut off but cant choose when I shut my emotions to the world.

I was called through as soon as I walked through the doors and I didnt feel nervous. Its so werid as usually I am so worked up by this point

My lovely nurse saw to me and I was sooooooooooooooo good. I actually spoke during my blood test! usually I am mute as I cant even think to talk or im passed out. I spoke and made sense! So strange. This never happens. I also left the room ok too, usually it takes me a while to get into the corridor where I regain myself then I leave. But I didnt need my pit stop in the corridor I just left. I was so good. Mum said I only went a bit clammy as opposed to the bucket of sweat drenched clothes I usually am.

We got home and I had a sweet up of tea as bloody hell I had earned it.

I told Jack how I got on. I sat with mum for a short while then she dropped me off home. I ate some nuts whilst Oz had a quick stretch outside then I gave him a quick cuddle and put him in the garage. I left for school at 11am. Jack and Chris had suggested I had an early lunch at home before I came back to school, however I had said to school id be back around 11am and I did feel ok so I saw no point in delaying it and besides I wanted to have lunch with Jack and Julia. I got to school around 11:20am

I was playing catch up all day at work tho, had a lot to do so I was rushing around and wearing myself out quite nicely. But people asked how I got on - everyone knows Jo doesnt do blood tests. I could actually proudly tell people how well I did. I started my bacteria off as well and got all my jobs done!

I was knackered, Mia had txted to see if I wanted to go a walk but I had no energy for that. I sat down on the sofa, drank my brew and fell asleep for half hour >< shattered.

I was sooooooo grateful I hadnt got to cook dinner as I put stew on before my blood test, the thai stew was bloody amazing.

Jack cleared up, we did some yoga whilst watching Oz in the garden, then Jack sat with Oz whilst I had a bath then he went in the bath whilst I am doing my diary.

We're gonna have hot chocolate and watch inuyasha then go bed

tomorrow got school and a lot of bacteria to be doing

maybe I am improving with blood tests ^^

My work is going into other schools

 Evening

I did 40mins of exercise last night, did quite well! Then had a quick bath. etc

I slept better last night thank god

Today at school, it was an alright day. I did my 50 petri dishes of nutrient agar, so I truly stunk the prep room out as that stuff stinks and had to make up 3 batches of the stuff to make up 50 petri dishes

Chris saw me and said my picture about no eating or drinking was viewed by the senior leadership team of the school, they thought it was amazing and said it speaks for its self no text was needed. Not only that but the sister high school is having and it might go into some primary schools! It has been printed on our printers so far but its getting professionally printed for the classrooms!! I can't believe how well its been appreciated! Jo has done well ^^

Been hungry all day tho

mum bought Oz home midday as she said he neighbour had rented a machine out to flatten their garden so it was so loud and Oz seemed stressed with the noise so hes been playing in tha garage most of the day XD so i havent seen mum since saturday really.

We came home and let Oz out the garage, had a brew and did dinner and also got ready for the stew tomorrow morning, having thai stew!

After dinner I rested on the sofa as I had a bit of stomach ache. Now I am with Oz who is hungry as he's always hungry this time of day >.>

Not sure what exercises I will do yet

tomorrow

oh god tomorrow....blood test

dont wanna wake up tomorrow TT^TT dont want tomorrow to happen

I am still getting up at normal time for Jack, he's getting picked up by head of science in his big black 4x4 XD

I am going to mum's to sit with the guinea pigs and then go for my blood test. I told school I will be back for 11am but Jack says if I need to have an early lunch at home to help recover then do so. he doesnt want me in school like death 

Just dont want to go through any of it as i am already very anxious T^T

No eating or drinking sign finished!

 Konbanwa~~

Last night I did my work out whilst Jack watched trash tv XD

dinner with my ex it was called

where the hell do they get the people to go on this show? Jack makes me laugh how he can watch these things, he says it makes him feel like I better person XD

We were in bed for 10:15pm, I had done my nails so I felt I had done something for  myself and they turned out ok actually.

I didnt want to go to school tho, woke up 5mins before my alarm so it was nice waking up on my own terms and not waking up to the alarm, feels like point to Jo XD

I got ready for school and went a bit punky today with a red & black stripped neck bow, bat wing hair clips and red shorts, black tights. Jack said I looked cute and tempting XD

School was actually ok, my anxieties about the bacteria have been lessened by a simple list.

I wrote down Monday to friday on a scrap piece of paper and wrote down every bacteria step I need to do on each day and then I filled out the other days with other technician tasks. I instantly felt better.

Jack said later on "do you want like a white board were we put up your tasks for the week?"

I said "yeah I do actually, and I will fill out the following week's tasks on fridays then Im not worrying about it over the weekend" so thats what we are gonna do

i did my normal jobs of prepping lessons and then I spent the rest of the day drawing the No eating and drinking sign chris wants, I got it finished!!

He is pleased with it, he is going to put the text on it as I didnt know what was suppose to be on it, I only wanted to do the image. It might go round other schools! Then I drew a G-clamp for Jack as he wanted to do something with it. Then it was home time really.

We collected Oz on the way home, he is so sweet but mum said she had chased him off her plants a few times today >.>

We got home and sat inside with a brew and i had pain killers, I keep getting that splitting headache. had it on and off for 4 days now.

I did the faffy dinner of pasta but it was really good, Jack cleared up and did other house chores cus I had a bit of tummy ache and sat with Oz.

I will do my exercises next, not sure what exercises I will do as my tummy hurts a bit

then bath~~

tomorrow is school

just normal technician jobs and need to draw 100g mass weights for Jack, its nice having the option of doing digital work at school~